9th November 2021

Could not think of a title, so today’s date will do

And now I’ve put the time aside to blog, I don’t know what to write about. Which is so frustrating. As when I want to blog and I’ve got a fair amount I want to post about, I’m usually too tired or I just feel like I don’t have enough time to really explore everything

I should probably start by turning off the TV, as it’s a tad distracting

And I’m still sitting and thinking, what to write about, probably like an hour later

Oh well, if I get too tired while trying to write a post I can always come back to it tomorrow

Ok, yeah so I’ve got some stuff to write about now

Last week I was having a lot of emotions. As my other rat Dusty passed away exactly a week ago and that was really hard. As I had got quite used to having him snuggle with me. I knew he was heading towards passing away gradually over the past few weeks, so I had been having him sleep with me a lot of the time and just snuggle with me. The day he passed away I knew he was going to likely pass soon, but still nothing ever prepares you for when it happens. I was glad I was awake and there for his final moments, even though it’s so hard when you know your little buddy is taking his last breathes

Definitely the hardest part was handing him over to the lady to have him cremated. I arrived there and had several minutes where I just sat in the car crying and not really wanting to part with him. I cried a lot just driving over from home to take him there. I just really didn’t want to part with him and to say goodbye. Just wanted him with me forever. Just writing about it is making me cry a lot

Then I was also feeling stressed and stuck last week because I’m not working at the moment and that’s a hard place for me to be in. As then I often get into freak out mode and I’m like what do I want to do going forward, will I be good at it, will I fail, what if I’m no good at it, what if I’ve just fooled myself into thinking I can do and what if I really can’t. Then there’s the fear of financial uncertainty

Then I end up getting all stressed about where I stand with my ex partner and if he actually wants a relationship with me and I read too much into things and have a stress out and get all anxious and then I bombard him with I dunno how many text messages because I’m feeling uncertain and anxious. Then he wonders where the hell that randomly came from. So then I find myself trying to do damage control on my emotional outburst and somehow explain where my head is at and how I got to where my mind was at. While still very much being stuck in my emotional brain and not thinking very rationally and trying to calmly talk to him. Argh! Emotions! Seriously they hijack me hard out sometimes. Whether I am or am not ADHD, I certainly know I have trouble with my executive function for sure. Like sometimes I’m curious as to what I might function like if I were to take someones ADHD medication. I wonder if that would bring me relief from this mess inside my mind sometimes. Though I am certainly not saying it’s a wise idea to take others medication or medication that’s not prescribed to you. I guess it’s more of an experiment I’m curious about. Though also, I am quite anti medication when it comes to myself. As my experience with being on Venlafaxine in the past for I think about 7 years, it ended up making me wonder how safe medication is for me. I certainly feel like that medication started off helping me and ended up hindering me and very much messing with my life, my personality, my growth and my ability to heal. Though granted not having medication to calm the storm of my emotions and have a taper on the intensity has not always been easy either. Sure, it has shown me that I am more capable then I realised and it has shown I am quite resilient and strong, but it has been quite a difficult journey at times. Also though, when I think about how unmotivated that medication made me and how I just wasn’t present, I don’t miss it

Emotions aye?! They are sneaky little buggers sometimes. I feel like sometimes they just sneak up on you and bam! You’re just in this sea of emotions, feeling a bit like you’re drowning in them. Like sometimes they just get so overwhelming you just can’t see the end of them and you get a bit scared and worry they will just stay and that’s scary. But thankfully, they are like the sea and waves and they do crash and ease and become still and calm

I just hate how much of a fool I can make of myself when I’m stuck in them. Like I just don’t think rationally and I overthink and overreact and get overwhelmed and I just can’t think clearly. But when someone from the outside is like “what’s going on here?”, I’m kind of distracted by that and forced to actually try engage my rational brain again and work out, what is going on here and why. And usually, eventually I work it out and can attempt to explain it

Like I know for sure drinking too much on Friday night did not help! It was more the next day the consequences show up. I just felt ill all of Saturday and just couldn’t eat a thing and just had no energy and I was just useless all day. And drinking so much is toxic to your body and your brain, as it drains all the nutrients and just leaves you in a bad place physically and mentally. Definitely the hangover and the loss and stress of that week contributed to my emotional outburst

Sometimes I feel many pressures, some from myself, some from family and it all just gets too much for me and it just explodes out of me with these emotional outbursts

I guess I keep a lot in. As I’m not sure who I should talk to about some things. As family sometimes isn’t the best option, as I feel sometimes some of my family can gaslight and that they aren’t particularly encouraging and the fucked up thing is, I don’t know if they can even see that they aren’t showing love, care and support. As they are used to that looking a certain way to them and they don’t seem to realise they are being pretty harsh and unsupportive

There are certainly times where I need a break from some of my family and their toxicity. And the fucked up thing is they don’t even realise they are being toxic

I feel sometimes family can certainly unknowingly gaslight you and act in a toxic way because they are unhappy in their own life and it’s almost as if, when there are things out of their control in their own life, they try to compensate by controlling your life and messing with your life. And some of the nastiness I feel is intentional on some level. Like, oh things might be looking up for you, how about I just knock you down a few steps and give you a reality check and make you second guess yourself and others. I dunno, maybe I’m wrong and they don’t know that’s what they are doing. I know either way, when I try pull certain family members up on their behaviour I get a response like “why are you so grumpy?”, “why are you in a mood today?” or some comment that is dismissive. I have had a particular family member say some pretty fucking petty stuff about someone I care about recently and I told them that kind of behaviour is not on and there’s no need for it at all. Seriously, some adults act like fucking children sometimes! Out of respect for my family I won’t say some things that I’d like to on here, as I think some things should just remain private. But yeah, one particular family member has been really getting to me a lot this year, especially lately

Back to my wonderful ex. He’s gives some pretty good advice aye. He has a good perspective on things and I like that often some of the things I struggle with, he also has had similar struggles, not in a bad way I mean, just in that he can offer reassurance and guidance because he gets it. Like things I may be worrying about, he will say, yup I know that feeling too and I know how scary that is and why it scares you, so here’s my advice. I like that he gets me and he has a good understanding of some of my struggles, as they are some of his struggles too. He’s very supportive and I really appreciate that a lot. As I do lack that support from my family to be honest. I feel from my family I get more criticism then support. It’s nice to have someone who can just be supportive and positive and who can offer encouragement. It definitely helps, especially when you have been feeling worn down by others being the opposite

I’m really proud of him and how far he’s come this last year. He’s achieved a lot and grown a lot and he’s proven a lot to himself about his capabilities. I always believed in him, so it’s great to see him believing in himself too and seeing him fulfil his potential and be winning in life. Honestly, so proud of him

I’m going to be honest here. I don’t know if he might read this in the future or not, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure he would be flattered, not mad lol

It’s quite hard when I’m hanging out with him and I have to just behave and keep my hands to myself and I’m not meaning that in a sexual way either, in case anyones dirty minds went there. It’s more just wanting to hold his hands or snuggle with him or kiss him. It’s like, argh! I want to do those things, but I can’t. I need to respect his boundaries and wait til he says it’s ok. And yes of course I do also think about him sexually and want to make advances that way. But I find respecting the boundaries with sex easier, as that can all wait and I understand that probably causes confusion and amps up the emotions and that kind of thing is not fair to add to the mix at this point. But the cuddles, I really miss the cuddling, the snuggling, the holding hands, the kissing. Just the cute little intimate stuff

I’m really proud of me also. I know I have grown a lot in the last year and I have achieved so much and I’ve gained so many new skills and proved many people wrong about me and I’ve done a lot of growing up. The person I am now, I love her and I was sad that I lost her for many years. Like I always knew my heart was pure and kind and life just put me through some shit and I got a bit lost and jaded and guarded. I have always known my heart and my deep down good nature. That’s why I would always feel so crushed and hurt when people would think ill of me. It was like the worst kind of rejection. As it was a rejection based on their perception of you and it was a very wrong perception. I just could never really understand why people would think I was something other then a nice, decent, kind person. But I can only guess, some of my actions along the way may have portrayed me in a negative light. Or maybe it was as simple as, they just didn’t know the real me. And for many of years of my life, I think others rejection of me ended up rubbing off on me and I rejected myself for some time and I thought ill of myself also and I thought maybe they were right and I at times hated myself and thought myself evil and bad. Though I know who I am now and I think I always have deep down and I know that person is pretty awesome

But do you ever feel like, when you are ok with you and you love you, that maybe you’re a bit egotistical?… Like, yeah, I’m so awesome! Like if it’s conceded? I think though, if you are thinking all those things, then you probably aren’t egotistical or conceded. As if you were, you wouldn’t question it

And just to throw a spanner in the works, because I got briefly distracted by an email about a Reddit post about the protests at parliament

Where do I stand on all that?

Well I am fully vaccinated. But for me, that was actually more about desperation to get back to work when the whole country went into lockdown in August, I think it was August at least. As I found lockdown was really messing with my mental health and as I worked for a company that was deemed an essential service and I was a temp at the time, I figured during level 3 at least, they would tend to give the temps work that were vaccinated. So for me, that was the only reason really. As previous to the lockdown, even if I were eligible, I didn’t really care either way about vaccination. So it was purely related to ensuring I could still work for me

But I certainly have my own opinions about all this media and push towards vaccinations and all the restrictions. To me, as a christian, it feels very reminiscent of end of times videos and prophecies and Revelations type stories. It’s kind of scary

I do feel like it is very much a dictatorship and very communist

To me it feels like, play by these rules or we will take away your freedoms

So I definitely understand why people choose not to get vaccinated and why they may protest to stand up for their freedoms

Fact is, none of the people I know have had covid or delta, so none of us realistically know if it’s bad or how bad it might be. We only know what the media has told us and certainly in the U.S there has been a lot of grossly exaggerated results and even deaths, that weren’t even covid. There’s certainly a lot of misinformation out there and a fair amount of fabrication and lying. This much I do know

Like, fuck, they tell us to get these vaccinations and they only later tell us that they don’t protect you from contracting or passing on Delta. It only lessens it’s effect on you. So it certainly doesn’t get rid of the virus at all. And of those unvaccinated, yes it will effect them worse, but are they actually going to die from it if they don’t having underlying health conditions?

Then you find out that a lot of the people who died of Covid-19, what they were using to treat patients actually ended up causing them to die sooner. The ventilators were actually making things worse

There’s still certainly many unanswered questions and unknown’s

So, yeah, I understand why the vaccinations, but also it scares me how much control this government has and I definitely understand why people want to fight back, ask more questions and challenge it

Ok, well I didn’t plan to get onto that subject, but yeah, there you go. That’s my stance and observation on that

I think I’ll go to sleep now

One more thing. Just a quick note to anyone reading. Remember, things can always get better, no matter how hard life is and what it’s thrown at you. You can always re-write your story and have a good life

ADHD?…. Maybe

So, I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks and watching a few YouTube videos on ADHD lately, specifically a channel called “How to ADHD”

So much of it is resonating strongly with me

What prompted me to look into this was partly because my ex partner was diagnosed last year with adult ADHD and also a passing comment from him, along the lines of “do you think you may be ADHD?” He didn’t really think much into his comment, but I did and I started wondering and also, when we were together, I wanted to understand his experience as an adult with ADHD, so I could best support him and, as he is still very much in my life I always want to continue to support him

I now understand how my past behaviours would trigger him and why

Upon listening to a few audiobooks, one on women with ADHD and one on ADHD as a superpower (those aren’t the names of the audiobooks by the way), and upon watching a few “How to ADHD” YouTube videos, they really speak to me and man, they touch me and they make me cry, as it’s like, man that’s me! And though I have yet to be diagnosed, I feel like ADHD explains me perfectly and my quirks and also I can see how easily it can be misdiagnosed as Bipolar, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) or Major Depressive Disorder. The symptoms look very similar, though the rate at which the emotions change and moods change, seem to be a lot faster with ADHD

The names of the 2 audiobooks are ‘Faster Than Normal – Turbocharge Your Focus, Productivity and Success with the Secrets of the ADHD Brain’ and ‘Women with Attention Deficit Disorder’

There are a couple of terms mentioned in the YouTube channel “How to ADHD” that describe some behaviours and thinking patterns I relate to, which are: Rejection Sensitivity Disorder and Imposter Syndrome. I’ll try remember to link to the videos in a future blog post, as I’m way too tired to explain them. It was hard enough trying to force myself to pause the audiobook so I could actually start this blog post. I had the laptop open with the title for like 3 hours probably before I stopped getting distracted and finally paused

I plan to try see a therapist in the next few weeks and get an actual diagnosis. I will be very surprised if I am not diagnosed as ADHD, as I feel quite sure I am. As all the information I’ve gathered or listened to lately all points towards ADHD explaining much of my early life and adult life with resonating accuracy

I would like to try explain everything I have learned about it lately, but I’ve got so much to do tomorrow and then I’ve got work til Friday and it’s really hard finding any spare time before the weekend to blog. On the plus side, yay, I have a job and I’ve been working there nearly 2 months now and really enjoying it and I also have a motorbike again, which I got on Friday. Super happy about that. I have been going through a fair few stresses lately, so I’m glad for the silver linings

Basically found out I’ll have to move, as the landlord is selling this flat and had a creep sexually harassing me, verbally and I had to call the police and that experience has shaken me a bit and made me very anxious and I feel unsafe and paranoid at times. I’m told it’s called a Trauma Response and it’s very normal. So yeah, that’s not been great. But on the plus side, I have to move and moving away from this place is definitely positive, but it’s just stressful timing wise

I’m just not sure what to do regarding moving on from here. Whether to look for a flat or go flatting or buy a caravan. I’ve been feeling too overwhelmed by everything to even think about my next step to be honest

I better get some sleep. I have to clean the house tomorrow, as the real estate people are coming through on Tuesday morning. It was not ideal how short notice I was given, so I’ve had to ask to take Monday off work, which I ideally don’t like doing

Thanks for reading. Good Night 🙂

Venlafaxine/Effexor XR…. Withdrawal is HELL!!!

So on a few occasions in the past I’ve made the mistake of missing a few doses of my antidepressant, which is Venlafaxine. I don’t miss doses intentionally, as I have had the GP say many times, try not to let this happen again.

It seems any time I have missed a few doses, the side effects get worse each time. The nightmares I must say are most definitely the worse part. They are so disturbing and distressing. Then I end up not wanting to go to sleep because I get anxious at the prospect of having more nightmares.

The side effects I have found the worst are the constant nausea, vommitting, headaches, upset stomach and of course those nightmares. I end up not being able to keep my food down a fair amount of the time and end up in the toilet soon after eating. The nightmares tend to get worse and worse the longer I am with out my antidepressants. I often will wake my partner up with my muffled screaming. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake for a bit just to ensure I don’t fall asleep and go back into the nightmare. There was one night I kept falling back to sleep into the same nightmare for a period of about 3 hours.

A couple of nights ago I had the worst nightmare ever. It was so bad I was trapped in it, it was the scarest experience I have ever had in my life. I have never been so scared in my life. I kept tryng to force myself to wake up and eventually succeeded. But it was so traumatic the nightmare, I was fighting my body trying to stay awake and I was convinced that the thinking I was awake was a trap and that I was still in impending danger. I have never experienced sleep parylsis, but what I felt seems possibly like that. I was afraid to move, afraid to talk and even afraid to try wake my partner up. It all felt like a trap. Like I was being tricked into thinking I was awake but they were still out to get me, the people in my nightmare. I legit thought I was going to die in this nightmare and I was convinced it was real and I was going to die. When I was awake, it seemed like I was still partly in REM sleep, as my eyes were doing this weird speedy blinking thing, like that which they do when you are in REM sleep. I had to force myself not to close my eyes. As it felt like my mind was trying to get me back into the nightmare. I know I already said this, but I have never been so scared!

I did get my medication a couple of days ago, but I am still suffering some of the side effects. I still feel ill, still being vommitting, have a slight headache, can’t eat much that will stay down. I’ve also been so tired all of the time.

The problem with withdrawal and how fast all those symptoms return that lead you to needing antidepressants return, is that you no longer know if you are still unwell or not. Also, the fear of relapse and the horrible withdrawal makes you shit scared of even trying to get off them.

Venlafaxine definitely does the job of helping me cope and does take the edge off everything. I wouldn’t say it is a cure all. I do appreciate that you are still able to feel your emotions and still feel like ‘YOU’. But it doesn’t by any stretch of imagination stop me getting depressed, getting suicidal, feeling anxious or getting overwhelmed. It does take the edge off all of that.

I knew nightmares was a common theme on Venlafaxine and came to discover they are common if you miss doses. I wasn’t aware though, how common knowledge all the other shitty symptoms are. Especially when it comes to talking to pharmasists and GP’s.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine who had a partner who used to be on Venlafaxine and he was telling me what hell she went through trying to come off this. And she did it by the book and the way your GP will tell you to come off it and cut it down slowly. She experienced horrific nightmares, intense emotions, suidical desires.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place with Venlafaxine. Like do I ever dare risk trying to come off it? Will I cope? Can I cope? As I NEVER want to repeat last weeks experience with that nightmare I mentioned earlier.

I actually can not handle going through that again. And the toll it takes on you is horrible. Sleep is not restful at all at those times. It seems like no matter how much you sleep, you never get caught up. I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling ill as, constantly tired and feeling so crap.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! Between being tearful, ultra sensitive and just irritable and agro.

While I was waiting to see the GP on Monday I was getting so over waiting. The GP was running 1/2 an hour late and I was getting pissy that I was not told they were that behind. I was going between wanting to cry for no reason, feeling panicked and distressed just because someones young son was crying. I would want to just walk out at times as I found it hard to just sit there with all my feelings. I was getting so fucked off having to wait. I was so relieved when I finally got to see the GP. As I was getting very aggitated by her running late.

I have done a small amount of research of venlafaxine withdrawal and I never knew how common it is to feel all this withdrawal hell. In fact I saw an image on Pinterest that way titled “Venlafaxine Withdrawal Hell”. That’s a very accurate description for sure.

I do sometimes feel pressure from some people in my life who are anti medication to get off meds. But also I push the fact maybe they just need to accept that I might always need to be on antidepressants and that should be ok.

The GP said to me regarding my concern over whether I might be ok mentally without medication and that the withdrawals, at least wait until I am feeling more stable before exploring that, which makes sense.

I have not blogged for ages it seems. I just don’t allow myself the time to sit down and blog. I always have that anxiety there is something else I should be doing. Or I just don’t have the motivation to even try.

Anyway, still feeling pretty nauseous, so might go eat some food.

Thanks for reading 🙂

The Spaces in Between

The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

I Should be Sleeping, but instead I am crying

Right, so I acknowledge I am tired and should probably get some sleep.  So I take my sleep medication, turn off the laptop, put it away, turn off the light and get into bed.

But, it seems my mind and emotions had other plans.

I just start feeling overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and some amount of fear.

The feelings of rejection are quite raw.  The questioning of why is there.  Why?  Always why?  Why do some people not see ME?  Why do they reject me?  Why in their mind am I seen as the bad guy?  Why can they not see the decent and good human being I am?  Why do they think I am so terrible?  Why must they feel that I am second best and never good enough?

I already have my own issues, insecurities and questioning of why I am never enough. These rejections just compound those issues and insecurities.  They are like a self fulfilling negative prophecy.  Just feeding my already existing fears.

I am struggling with huge feelings of loneliness and a void in my life.  This void coming from what I feel is a loss of good friendship I thought was solid and secure with a friend I considered to be one of my best friend’s.

Again I am having the issue of increased disturbing or bothersome dreams.  Which feeds the fear of sleeping.  In my mind I am thinking “please, please can these dreams stop”. And it only gets to me at night, before I try to go to sleep.  It only sometimes is plaguing me during the day.

I have been having such a huge struggle with my depression lately.  PMS is not helping the situation.  It is just making me excessively sensitive and vulnerable.

I will be honest, I have really been struggling hard with the desire to self harm, which I did do a few weeks back.  And I have honestly been having struggles with thoughts of suicide, which I hate.  As I know the pain of loss through suicide.

In reading some articles the other night, regarding suicides in New Zealand.  There was one article in particular that made me cry for both the person who had lost their loved one to suicide and the person who committed suicide.  As I understood the pain of them both.

One of the thoughts that was making me cry tonight was questioning, why do I have to keeping losing the ones that I love the most?.

In my life that has been my Dad, Granddad, Grandma and best friend.

That time of year is coming soon.  Firstly, my best friend’s birthday and then the anniversary of his death.  This is the friend who committed suicide last year.

A year has already passed since I lost my Grandma.

A person who is very important to me, can see that at present I have lost my sparkle.  That is what we like to call it.  It is basically like your beam of light, your joy, your spark.  We all have one.  When we are doing what we love or what brings us joy and happiness, that is when you will see it.  It is unique to you and others admire it, are inspired by it and want to be around it.  And the right people will help you nurture it and encourage you to pursue whatever makes it brighter.

People will try and dull your sparkle for one reason or another.  Sometimes, when your energy is low and life has been throwing too many punches your way, it can dull.  This is what I am dealing with at present and where I am at.

I am trying to get a good sense of what my true passion is.  I find the idea of a creative writing course appealing, but am as yet undecided on whether I do really want to pursue that career path or not.

I really have a lot more to say, but tiredness is overtaking me.  So I will have to try and write some more once I have had a decent sleep.

Thankx for reading.

 

I Don’t Want Anyone to Know How I Really Feel

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

The Mess That Is My Life

I couldn’t really think of a title more suitable to my life at present.

I am basically living a double life. And it is not as exciting as it sounds. It is quite stressful to be honest.

I have been living this double life for maybe 2 months. I am not entirely sure.

There is 1 part of me that is living life as I truly want to. And the other part of me is just faking it, putting on a facade, maintaining the status quo. That other part of me is not really living, it is more just going through the motions and on auto-pilot. So yeah, that is my life at present.

Basically the gist of it is, I am staying in a relationship/marriage I am no longer invested in, nor happy in, nor committed to. And that is most definitely living a lie.

Why? Because I do not know how to end it. Simply because I am a compassionate, caring and empathetic person and I am aware my husband does want this relationship/marriage and I worry how he will react. And if I am to be honest, I am also scared of how he will react.

I have tried nearly everything I could think of to try and push him to be the one to end it. But no matter what I do he still stays and keeps trying. And I do not want to try. I am over being in this relationship/marriage. Which is pretty shocking, as I have only been married for 4 months. But I can not keep living a lie and staying in a relationship/marriage I am not invested in, that I no longer want, that does not make me happy and just does not fit ME anymore.

All of this is probably not doing my mental health any great favours. I feel numb currently. I also feel torn. As it really is not fair on me to keep dragging this on, just because there are so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions. And I guess it is not really fair on my husband just dragging it on for his sake.

I have been doing a lot of unhealthy things since December some time. Things like inhaling Ritalin once and on a different occasion taking a tab of Acid. Smoking Marijuana a few times. Drinking a lot. Though all of that has ceased now.

During my Acid trip I thought it a good idea to go swimming in my underwear, which was not such a huge deal, but having my keys on me, which ended up wet and stuffing my alarm remote, was not wise. And neither was doing a whole lot of donuts and a few burnouts. That resulted in a few days later, my clutch blowing to bits. So for a while I did not have my car. But thankfully we have 2 cars, so I used the other one.

I have been befriending people on Facebook that my Mother does not approve of.

I have also learned a few new and interesting things about myself during these last few months.

I have through encouragement of a very cool, skilled and multi-talented person, decided to try learn some Hula Hoop skills.

My hair is currently bright pink and dark blue, which I am loving. I will add a picture for you all to see 🙂

I also got my tongue pierced. Which is something I had been wanting to do for a while.

I am rather addicted to Chuppa Chups.

My weight loss is going ok. I am finally under 70kgs. The last time I weighed myself I was 68.9kgs.

I am quite sure that my parents and younger sister thoroughly disapprove of me lately.

My oldest daughter is down at the moment, so that is quite nice.

I am unsure if there was anything else I wanted to add to this post. But I know I am definitely feeling very conflicted.

Thankx for reading and following 😀

So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

The Whirlwind That is My Life

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

Not a fan of my life right now

Thing’s have not been good this last week or so.

It seems my husband has totally stopped trying to make thing’s better between him and my oldest daughter. He is often not walking away and controlling his moods when he should. And he is reacting, instead of trying to remain calm and be an adult.

Last week both him and my oldest daughter were just at each other. Her pushing his buttons, him saying mean thing’s. I would tell her off if it was appropriate and try and keep thing’s calm.

This week has really been difficult. While I was out it seemed the tension between them continued and he told her to go to hell. Tonight he was being nasty to her and what I would consider a bully with what he said to her. I told him that was not on. Again I tried to keep the peace between them. And then he decides to act like an immature dick and suggest he was going to eat all the biscuits. My oldest daughter tried to take them off him and he started to psych out and tried to intimidate her. I told him that he needed to stop that and that his behaviour is not ok. Then he totally psyched out, threw his coffee and cup at the floor and the container of biscuits and swore his head off and tried to kick off the safety gate and pissed off for about an hour. Earlier in the day I had told him his behaviour was disgusting when my oldest daughter asked him an important question and he totally ignored her and did not reply.

On the weekend the tensions between them just got too much for me and not only that, but he also started taking shit out on me and being a prick to me. So I told him that is not on and you do not talk to me like that and that is not ok. And I ended up going into the bedroom and bawling my eyes out and having a panic attack.

He decided to give me shit on the weekend also about going to town on Saturday night with my best friend.

Seriously, it should not be my problem that he has no friend’s. Why the hell should I bare the brunt of his shortcomings?!

Both my friend and I really needed that night off.

I feel like my husband is emotionally distant and that he has no regard for my feelings currently and how thing’s effect me and what might be going on for me.

Marriage should not be like this.

I am having an extremely hard time just getting through the last few weeks. I am extremely fragile emotionally and mentally at the moment.

I am depressed that is for certain and my anxiety levels are high.

I am extremely worried about the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review that is in 6 days.

I am extremely fearful that the outcome is extremely unlikely to go in my favour and considering recent events, I can totally understand why that is a strong possibility.

I have been the best Mum I can be to my oldest daughter and I have fought extremely hard to have her with me. I do know with all my heart, that the absolute truth is that I have not failed her as a Mother. I know she loves me unconditionally and deeply and I cherish that. And she is my all. She has and always will be my number 1 and she holds the hugest part of my heart. She is special to me.

What is true, is that my husband has failed her. And he has had sufficient time and opportunities to step up and change. I said to him on the weekend that all those years back when I gave him a book about step parenting which was perfect for the situation, if he had read it instead of leaving it gathering dust on his computer desk for the next 6 months, at least that would have been something.

I am angry and disappointed about this. As, the way I see it ultimately is, he is what has tipped the scales so strongly in the other direction.

He could have tried harder and he could have done much more.

How will I move on from this? I just can not see how.

I am dreading the fact that I will more then likely have my heart ripped out by the decision next Tuesday.

I am very concerned about how I will react. I am worried I might psych out.

At the end of the day I really do not know how I will react. I am thinking the emotions might be the following, despair, distress, anger, rage, hate and resentment.

The other night after the tensions between my oldest daughter and husband. I really wanted to cut my wrists up. Tonight I had a fleeting feeling of desire to cut my wrists.

I am not good at the moment. Really, really not good. I am so very fragile and broken. I hate this.

I do not want to be the one not bringing up my precious daughter.

I am going to miss so much if she’s not here. Like her first boyfriend and her developing into a young lady and maturing. I will miss those precious milestones and I do not want to miss a thing.

I am just so sad right now.

That is all for now. As my sleep medication is kicking in more and I am having trouble with concentrating on the screen.