Category: Mental Illness and Parenting


So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking ūüė•  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

Advertisements

I’ve not posted for ages it seems. Not because I didn’t want to or that I didn’t have anything to write about. As I did. I have just been lacking motivation. And have not tried to put time aside to. I end up distracted by a lot of meaningless crap online. Like Facebook, Trade Me and just wasting way too much time online.

I went through a pretty low period last month, when I found out my oldest daughter was not going to be coming down in the July school holidays.  Due to the lawyer for children who is appointed to her, not having the past CYFS  (child,youth and family) files. As you would likely expect if you have been following my blog for some time, I was not impressed that the past is still being brought into the present. And my concern is, that there is not enough clarity in those files to make a clear separation between the statement “while in her mother’s care”, not stating her step father as the main issue and the reality that most of the problem was with his treatment of her. I worry that yet again my history of ongoing mental illness will be brought up as being a risk factor.  

Then also, concerning last month’s school holidays. It was decided that she would be coming down for 2 days, though with her grandparents on her father’s side and that she would not be staying with me. And then also added, not allowed to be alone with me at any time. So my mother, who also had work during this time, was expected to drop everything to be there with me. And this was not arranged with her consent, but told to her as the plan.

So yeah, I was really bloody hurt and upset by these limitations. By being treated like I am someone to be weary of and not fit to be treated and respected as her mother. I had all the facts of how the visit was to go, emailed to me by the lawyer. Thus provoked because I stated to her granddad, I am her mother and no parenting order has been put in place, plus at that stage, before the email, it was only the lawyers recommendations. I also stated that legally I am still her main guardian. So of course, granddad freaked out and went tattling to the lawyer, instead of keeping communication open and calling me.

I need to write an email to this lawyer before the actual meeting that puts orders into place, but I keep freaking out, getting highly anxious and panicked about it and have not yet done it.

I feel like I did what was best for my oldest daughter at the time, yet it is being manipulated in a way were I may have my rights removed regarding seeing her. That it will become termed ‘visitation’ and have rules put in place that prevent me from ever having her without approved supervision. 

This is not right!

Most of my family feel like we are being screwed over and treated without regard. It is hurting my family, her siblings and my relationship with her. It feels to us like we are gradually having her removed from our life. My mother feels like she’s not even her grandchildren anymore. And that is terrible,  as she was her first ever grandchild.

What it’s doing to me is just tearing me apart. It at times makes me feel like I’m a failure, like nothing I do is good enough or enough. I end up feeling like everyone is just better off without me. Yeah, I get pretty damn low regarding all of this. 

In my head I’m screaming “enough already!”. When will this end?!

I have been so drained in every way for weeks, maybe even months. And my anxiety is going nuts lately. Not helped by my car issues. It’s been battery issues quite often, then it has now become a starter motor issue. So I’ve had to use the grocery money to pay for a starter motor and I couldn’t pick my younger 2 kid’s up from daycare and school today, like I was supposed to. 

I’ve been quite overly sensitive lately. 

Hey, on the plus side, my partner is still super awesome and we love each other to bits and he treats me SO well.

I have also been repairing the odd iphone screen. And when we can, we buy cheap one’s to repair and resell. Though we have encountered the odd brickwall. Like icloud locked, when this fact was not stated in the auction. So that is a hurdle that can not be bipassed. I think presently I need 2 iphone 5s/5c batteries, 1 iphone 5c screen, 1 iphone 5s screen, a battery terminal installed on a iphone 4s logic board, a iphone 5 logic board, a screen for a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2, a battery for a Nextbook, 2 ipod touch 2 screens and probably a screen and back for either an iPhone 4 or 4s.

So yeah, I’m a bit of a techy at the moment. 

We did sell a friend a phone, not that he has paid for it! And he want even make small payments and apparently tried to on sell it, even though he still owes me money for it. So yes, that trust has gone out the window.

Friend wise, at least here in Nelson is non-existent. My partner is my only real friend. That’s not a bad thing though. It just sux other friends just do not bother putting in an effort. I do, but nothing ever happens. 

I’d better try get some sleep. As I have my youngest for most of tomorrow/today. He’s 3 now!

Thankx for reading ‚ėļ

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore. ¬†But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason. ¬†So I called him back. ¬†He said “I think we need to talk”. ¬†I asked “what about?” ¬†He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”. ¬†I asked him if he had been looking on my social media. ¬†He said “no, I have just read your blog”. ¬†I was thinking oh shit! ¬†So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing. ¬†What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending. ¬†He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok. ¬†Which I have great respect for. ¬†He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes. ¬†But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage. ¬†But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing? ¬†I didn’t have a conscience about it. ¬†I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something. ¬†I should have felt ashamed. ¬†But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on. ¬†Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them. ¬†I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work. ¬†Yeah I was angry and hurting. ¬†I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to. ¬†Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear. ¬†Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s. ¬†I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship. ¬†I just didn’t know how. ¬†So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend. ¬†I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness. ¬†Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos. ¬†Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement. ¬†I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?! ¬†Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about. ¬†My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy. ¬†Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around. ¬†He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard. ¬†I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies. ¬†That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything. ¬†And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him. ¬†I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know. ¬†Just assuming the worse. ¬†Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age. ¬†It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?! ¬†Like, never! ¬†I have always been immature and have never acted my age. ¬†And I have always had friends younger then me. ¬†It’s just me. ¬†That’s who I am and always have been. ¬†It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years. ¬†This is ME. ¬†This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out. ¬†As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2. ¬†So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting. ¬†As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them. ¬†So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people. ¬†Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer. ¬†They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now. ¬†Which is mostly ok. ¬†But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me. ¬†As I like to have my freedom. ¬†My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week. ¬†And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized. ¬†So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote. ¬†As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately. ¬†Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap! ¬†It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

Finally I have found some motivation to blog and put aside some time.

I am feeling a bit low today and a bit stressed. My WOF(warranty of fitness) has expired, went for a WOF and failed.  Car needs 2 tyres and I have no money.  Our other car has a WOF, but no registration or petrol. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to afford to get tyres. So I will be driving illegally until I can put registration and petrol in the other car.  And I have less than half a tank of petrol in my car.

I have a lot of wedding stuff on Trade Me, but not having any success selling even though I am not asking much for what I’m trying to sell.

I have been married for just over a month.  The wedding did go well and I managed to stay calm throughout the day.  And the cake was awesome.  I will add a photo of it.

image

And here’s a photo of the Wedding Day.

image

Again there is a CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review coming up. So I have that stress coming up.  They are again looking at possibility of sending my oldest daughter to Wellington.  So naturally that is making me feel quite worried and down.  But it is more about how my husband and her get on.  I really hope they allow us to at least go counselling with them both to help work through their issues together.  As if they allow that and then review again next year and it is still not working with them relating, then I can at least say we have try our very best and accept her living elsewhere.  But if they do not allow us to try that option and push to have her live elsewhere, I will find it really hard to accept.

It is really depressing still having this CYFS stuff dragging out.  It feels like we get so far and thing’s seem to be improving and then, bamn!  Here we go again.  It is so draining emotionallyand mentally and disheartening.

I am still also dealing with the loss of my close friend to suicide in March and  the grief that comes with that.  I often feel like it isn’t reality and think he is still alive, even though I know he is not.  I miss him so much and it really still hurts really badly.  A WAVES group, which is for people bereaved by the suicide of friend or family member, starts next week, which I will be going to. It is run by Primary Health Services I think it is called.  It runs for 6 weeks I think.  I found out about it through the SPINZ(suicide prevention nz) website.  So hopefully the group helps me process thing’s better.

I have been having a fair bit of anxiety at night and having some trouble falling asleep quite a lot.

I have been trying to encourage my oldest daughter to really consider choosing to stay living with us.   As she will be asked by the CYFS social worker where she would prefer.  I do feel being with her Mum and siblings is best for her long term and I strongly advocate for counselling between her and my husband.  I so hope we will get this result.  As I will be really distraught if I lose her.  I do know I have done my best as her Mum and that my parenting is good enough.  I want these battles to be over and my daughter with me long term.

This all has me feeling quite on edge emotionally and feeling fragile and worried.

My best friend is working nights, so I hardly ever see her which is hard.  As I really miss seeing her.

I am feeling pretty crap about my body.  I have not been eating healthy and I’ve been gaining weight.  I wish I could stop sabotaging my weight loss and I wish I would stop emotional eating.

I’m feeling quite anxious at the moment.

I’m sure these was more I wanted to blog about,  but can’t recall what.

Thankx for reading and following.

Recovery. Is it actually supposed to be possible when you have not had any talking/one to one therapy? Seems like the likes of Community Mental Health must think so. Not sure which planet they are on, but I would tend to think they are pretty damn naive to think so.

I mean, really…how the hell can I have a realistic chance of recovery without any talking/one to one therapy? The issues that led to my ‘major depressive episode’ in August 2013 have never been resolved or worked through. All that has ever happened the way I perceive it is, talking about the fact I had this episode, sought help, went for a stay in the psych ward, had some respite and check in’s every so many weeks with a Community Mental Health Psychiatrist every so often.

Telling my story doesn’t really help that much. I find myself just feeling detached and desensitized while telling my story to whomever. It is much the same feeling when I am talking to anyone about how grief and deaths of loved one’s is effecting me. I guess that could be a coping mechanism.

I know I need to get grief counselling. But I am damn scared about the idea of actually talking about and exploring the feelings and emotions associated with my grief and the events. It’s like I just push away the real raw feelings, as they hurt too damn much.

I am still really not coping well with stress. I am not coping well with the children. As I get stressed out and highly anxious really fast. So if the younger 2 are being whingy I can’t handle it. If my 5 year old and 11 year old push my buttons or ignore me and cause me stress, I can’t cope with that. And having to pick them both up from school by myself most of the time lately is hard for me. Yesterday my 5 year old wouldn’t come when I was trying leave school with her and she kept running away and being difficult. I could see some of the judgy, less compassionate Mum’s watching me, which didn’t help my anxiety or coping abilities. I think I did well to only let out a quiet “for fuck’s sake” as a response to my anxiety and stress.

My nearly 2 year old has been rather whingy in the mornings lately. As, in the 10 minutes while my fiance is taking our 5 year old into school and I am waiting in the car with him(my nearly 2 year old), he just whinges and I find it highly distressing and if I get grumpy and tell him to be quiet, he cries and then I feel like crap for making him upset.

In my mind lately, I am screaming in desperation. And internally I am often freaking the hell out. I am highly irritable and I am hating this. I get worried about how much I can handle and if I might just snap. Yesterday I found myself feeling somewhat numb and somewhat detached. And I hate how fast my mood can change. As I might go visit someone or have someone visit or do something pleasant and I will feel kind of level and then once that is over, I start feeling the effect of my depression, anxiety and grief. Suddenly I go from coping, to really not okay.

I can not handle the idea or thought of my fiance going back to work. And thankfully he has seen this and isn’t seeking work right now.

I find myself feeling really upset and angry when he just disappears downstairs and gets on his computer for hours or even half an hour and I just want to rage at him.

Rage, distress, despair, anxiety, fear, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, stress, are a list of the feelings I experience quite regularly.

My lack of weight loss is depressing me and frustrating me. I am actually being healthy about my diet and food intake. Diet wise, I am doing all the right things. And diet is quite a big factor with weight loss. So it is beyond me why I can not seem to lose any more then 2kgs. It just seems to come off slowly and then creep back on. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or hate my body, but I do hate my body. It grosses me out. I do not like how my body looks. And I am stumped as to why it is so hard to lose weight. And I have had blood tests and been to the GP and nothing is abnormal.

My Family Start worker got in touch with some other mental health providers and advocated strongly for my need for respite. So they called me and said when I am in the distress and not coping to contact them and then I can be assessed. But what is crazy to me is, you can’t access respite even through them, when you are heading downhill fast. It seems they are only willing to help if you are feelings suicidal and heavily distressed. It makes more sense if they could offer that before people get that bad. Craziness!

I got another 2 tattoos. A Pisces one and a panther. Pisces, because I am a Pisces and the panther, because it represents something strong and powerful. Here is a picture of the panther one.

Facebook-20150605-085020

I have been doing the online jigsaws again this week. Which is fine once it’s finished, but I get quite anxious and agitated if I am having quite a hard time finding the right piece’s. I even find that when I am doing the word find on my tablet and I’m having trouble finding some words. Bloody anxiety!

Gah! Even just writing about anxiety makes me anxious.

Supposed to be meeting the wedding photographer tomorrow. So once I have met him and booked him, that is another significant wedding thing organized. I think after that I just need to get the flower girl dresses adjusted, remember to leave money aside for suit hire, pay remaining money on things I have only paid deposits on and closer to September, get my wedding dress zip repaired and any adjustments done. I am pretty sure there are things on that list I am still forgetting.

It seems no matter how simple you try keep things wedding wise, there is still a fair bit of stress. I guess that is because of the finalizing decisions and organizing everything myself nearly and the fact I am paying for everything. I am sure it’ll be a lovely day and really special. Only freaking out a little. I think though, it isn’t surprising it is a bit of a struggle. As I am still dealing with and going through a huge amount of grief.

Right, that will be all my blogging tonight. I will blog again some time. Hopefully soon. Depends whether I have the motivation or anything to write about.

Thankx for reading ūüôā

It’s nearly 3:15am and I am nowhere near falling asleep, despite taking more Quetiapine then I can actually remember. I know I took 6 and then maybe another 8, as well as taking maybe 4 of my Venlafaxine.

I have just been balling my eyes out for maybe 10 or more minutes and I feel anxious about so many things. One of those things is sleep. I can’t stop having lucid dreams and by that I mean dreams I don’t realise are not reality until I wake up. And this is every fucking night since my friend died. It fucking torture of the cruellest kind and I hate it!

Part of the reason I am balling my eyes out is because I am shit scared of letting on to anyone that I am not coping and I am not ok right now. Part of it is me grieving and part of it is dreading sleep and also the feeling every night of not wanting to go to sleep and every day being a struggle. And feelings of hopelessness and no real lasting joy in my life and having absolutely no desire to get up each morning.

My fiance tells me numerous times each morning to get up and out of bed and all I want is to be left alone and to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone and stop telling me what I should be doing, like I’m a child.

I need help. But I fully fear asking for it and admitting I need it. And this is solely due to CYFS (child, youth and family) and their reactions and actions in the past and I am so paranoid about what admitting I need help might mean and potential consequences. As I have fought so hard to get my daughter back and keep her with me.

I admittedly have been really irresponsible with money. And I know that is solely related to my mental health.

It is currently the 1st day of the New Year. It is 2015.

I did not realise I have not blogged since my oldest daughter moved back with us.

So the first day back, my oldest daughter was quite upset. As coming back to live with us full time was not what she had wanted outcome wise. And from what she has said to me, she has been given the impression that I was the only person who wanted her to come back to live with us. And that all the other people at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC( family group conference) review last month did not want the same thing. So I had to explain to her, that they all had to agree to her coming back to live with us for that to happen. The first night was hard for her and she was quite upset and said some hurtful things. Such as, she wished her former carer was her real Mum and she wished she had been her baby, who came out of her tummy. That naturally really hurt. Once I had composed myself and become less upset, I talked to her and explained how she felt was quite normal considering everything and that if I were in her position, I would have likely felt the same way. That helped a lot. Naturally there have been ups and downs with this huge change in our family dynamics. But slowly we are getting things sorted.

I do find at some times my fiancé does not help things regarding how he bonds with my oldest daughter and I often need to remind him of how his tone or approach needs to change. Often he will take that the wrong way and he will try and suggest I am not disciplining her when he thinks I should or he just comes up with some defence. I remind him I am helping him do some actual parenting of her. He seems to think I am making him the enemy. When what I am doing is encouraging him to be a parent to her. There can not be this separation that used to exist in parenting my daughter. As she notices when he is putting it all on me and that can make her feel rejected and like our younger 2 children are more important to him. I do tend to find he can be all keen and persistent at first with these things and then things get hard or stressful and he reverts back to his past behaviour. It is extremely frustrating. I said to him tonight he needs to show her some empathy. As he does not show much, if any. And this is why he tends to think I am not disciplining her, because I can do both discipline and compassion. Gee, I am just ok with emotions and in touch with them, so that puts me in a better place to approach times when my daughter is feeling sensitive or emotional.

I have been reading a really good book lately. It is called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified’ by Robert O Friedel.

Gosh, I had the most nasty, vivid dream last night. It felt so damn real! It went basically like this, I had gone downhill big time for some reason and the mental health people from the Psych Ward in Nelson were coming to get me to take me to the ward. Weird! Damn vivid dreams! They really screw with me head.

Last week was a really hard week for me. I had run out of my antidepressants and had not had any for 2 days, I was under a whole bunch of stress, money wise big time and then I got bad news about my grandma and her health. So I was a huge mess emotionally. My distress tolerance was just not there. It just goes to show how fast I can go downhill and just how essential it is that I never miss my medication.

So now I am in PMS mode. So also not a great person to be around this week. Last week when I was without medication, I had bad road rage and I was not even driving! I was the passenger and this lady was tailgating us really dangerously. So I was facing her direction, giving her the middle finger and the punching gesture. Oh I was worked up! That is quite extreme even for me.

The last day or so, with good old PMS, I have naturally really not been in the mood for having my buttons pushed. I told my fianc√© if he dares to shave our sons hair, I will punch him seriously, my fianc√© I mean. As he did say today he was going to and I said “no way are you doing that!” So I gave him a haircut. So he had better not undermine me and try shaving his hair. As that would be the ultimate slap in the face. To be fair, my usual tolerance and filter kind of lacks when I have PMS. Anyway, enough about that.

Oh, that origami I mentioned in my last post. Well I did try it again and success!

We are still looking for a place. It was not looking so great for us recently, as most houses are through real estate agents and they rejected us due to our bad credit. So that meant looking through only private rentals. But we looked through a private rental this week, which looks perfect. So here’s hoping we have success with our application.

Right, getting tired. Better go. Thank you for reading ūüôā

So, on Friday just passed I had the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review for my oldest daughter. It was stressful, intimidating, distressing and emotional.

The days leading up to it most definitely had a lot of negative effect on my sleep. With me often not getting to sleep til 1am – 1:30am.

Thankfully my BFF in Wellington was available in the end and I was able to stay with her and spend some time with her and she was also able to come as my support person.

The FGC was not a fun process. There was a lot of stress throughout it. And it is really quite horrible how certain participants in the review put across that they support you and then they turn around and get nasty. I would even call some of the behaviour, especially from my daughters carers, bullying tactics. The whole process brought a lot of things to light and not pleasant things. One of the most hurtful twists was when my own Mother went from being one of my biggest supporters and completely on the same page as me, to turning around and pretty much going with the view of all my opposers. Which was that, my daughter would be bette off staying in Wellington. That hurt more then anything else ever! After she had turned around and agreed with them, I could no longer keep strong and hold my composure and I had to walk out of the meeting for a time. I was SO upset by that. I felt like, yet again, the people who were supposed to be my biggest supporters had turned on me and that hurts like a bitch! My younger sister however continued to support me and battle for me, which I am SO grateful for. I was a bit shocked that my older sister appeared to still be holding on to the past and she even brought up my blog and how she had read some of it and been quite hurt by my posts. Which, granted, she is entitled to feel that way. But I did not feel it needed to be brought up in the meeting. Pretty much everything the CYFS social worker put across that my sister had said, was negative. Saying I still appear to have communication problems and our relationship as sisters was still strained. Which was quite a shock to me. As in my mind we had made amends when I went and apologized to her for the unkind things I had written in my blog about her. And as for me not going to see her much, I was respecting the fact that she is going through her own stuff at the moment. My daughters grandparents on her father’s side were still making out that I was some kind pariah. His wife going as far as bursting into tears when describing how she felt my daughter was neglected by me. Clearly her husband had done a damn fine job of putting me across as some kind of fuck up of a parent. He threatened that if my daughter went backwards in all the areas she has made gains in, he would not hesitate to take legal action to gain custody of her, like he did with her aunties daughter. Like what the hell?! How can he even put me in the same category as her! She had an abusive boyfriend and they bolted from the hospital down south with their newborn. I was so glad to have my BFF there to support me. As she knows me and my family well and everything I have been through. Throughout the whole review, it very much looked like it was never going to go in my favour. So it was quite a shock when it did. I guess it shows just how strong I am, even though I did not realise I was that strong. As this whole process had damn near broken me. It seems very much that everybody opposing me seemed very focussed on the negative and the failures and this was blinding them to all the gains, growth and positives. I pretty much took any opportunity to squash their concerns and reassure them I have changed and I am a better parent for it and that I deserve the chance to show this. I felt quite disgusted about how my daughters carers turned on me at the end, just as they were about to leave. The husband gave me a nasty look and pointed directly at me and said “get this right!” and his wife said “bloody hell, the CYFS file is already this thick(motioning with her fingers the thickness), don’t go making it any thicker”. I am happy with the result. And when I told my fiance and he told our younger daughter and she was so excited, that made me even happier. As my children being together is the most important thing and their happiness makes me happy.

I did not expect my mood to dip down a bit after Friday, but I guess it is understandable. As all that was so emotionally taxing. By Friday evening I got home and wanted to just fall asleep on the lounge floor.

You just do not realise at the time, how hard it is to sit through a meeting from 10:30am – 3pm trying to keep it together and feeling like you are singlehandedly arguing your case and quite heavily responsible for the outcome. I am so glad that day is behind me.

I am aware this by no means does not mean CYFS are out of my life. I am quite sure they will be keeping a close eye on me.

My Nelson CYFS social worker and Family Start worker did a great job though of supporting me and putting across their faith in me and my capabilities. I think that helped a great deal too.

It was quite hard reading what my older daughter wrote about what she wanted and how she in fact wanted to stay living with her carers. Being told that by her on the Thursday night and reading that at the start of the meeting made me feel quite disheartened and was some of the reason I feared the outcome would not go in my favour.

I am SO glad that day is behind me and that I can finally feel hopeful and get excited that my daughter is coming home.

I have managed to be able to drop my Quetiapine back down to 50mgs, so I am happy about that.

That is all for now. It has been quite hard being able to get a decent blog post written without the internet at home. So thankfully the Nelson Library has free 60 minutes internet access for all members.

I just finished reading this.  And boy oh boy can I relate to most of what she wrote in here.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/fiona-kennedy/mental-illness-and-parenting_b_5898578.html