Category: Mental Illness


So, over part of this year I have been working on trying to get my business up and running and getting my name out there. I created a business plan, designed and printed business cards and distributed them as much as I could and created a Facebook business page.

Then, randomly this week I got a message from a mobile phone repair business that is opening in Nelson in a few weeks, offering me a job. So I thought on it for a bit and I was unsure if it was worth it, as it means I have to give up starting my own business and also there is the fact that I personally make more money out of refurbishments then repairs, which I bought up with the manager and he said I would still be free to do refurbishments in my own time without it being a conflict of interest. So I agreed to send him my CV. He was happy with that and is going to interview me tomorrow. Though even without an interview as yet, he was quite enthusiastic about me working for him. Quite a surprise all this. As I have never been sought out for a job and asked to apply. So I must be doing something right 😀

Seems things can go on a big downhill spiral before things go back up again. As just a few weeks ago we were worried we might have to move out, as our benefit got stopped and it took nearly 3 1/2 weeks to sort. That was stressful as hell!

I got behind on my antidepressants again recently by 2 days and man I get emotional really fast without them. I also on the 2nd day of missing them decided due to being extremely tired, to give sleeping a go without my Quetiapine. Eventually I got to sleep, but I had the worst dreams ever, very vivid and scary as hell! I woke my partner up due to moaning distressingly while asleep. He’s so lovely though, he hugs me tight and tells me it’s ok 😢  Love him so 😍❤️💕💞💗💖💘💟

I’ve been fixing up a few things and selling. A few iPhone 5s, an iPad 1, an eMac. I have a few iPhones I can’t fix, as they have logic board chip faults and that’s outside my expertise. The iPad 2 I am currently using just needed a digitizer/touch screen installed. I will resell it once I get the iPad Air I bought and put a new digitizer on that.

Though I am nervous about a potential job, I am also a little excited, as it will actually be doing something I enjoy and I will get to learn even more with the job. Like holy crap! For the first time in my life I will have a job I fully enjoy doing and I get paid to do it. So cool. The only other job I’ve had that I enjoyed was car grooming, as I got to drive around a lot of very cool cars I could never afford.

On another completely unrelated subject, my partner and I have been buying Pokemon Trading cards and through using the Pokemon Trading Game Online I have learnt a lot about how to play the game and what everything means. I am still of course addicted to Pokemon Go 😝

Last month I made my first home brew of cider. I only did a few things wrong in the process, added a litre or so more water then I was meant to and added cider essence before fermentation instead of after. But even with that it was still a really good batch and everyone who tried it enjoyed it, so I will make another batch when I can afford to.

Well that is all for now, I’m a bit tired 😴

Thankx for reading 😀

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So, I have made a good amount of progress with regards to my business. I have completed a business plan, made a sign for my home to advertise my business and created and printed my business cards. Basically I want to save money in as many areas as I can by doing what I can myself.

I’m thinking maybe I should create a WordPress for my business.

If any of you want to have a look at my FB page, just search “flat4iPhone/iPad Repairs” on FB. It’s simple, but that’s ok. I can’t really afford to pay to advertise it any further as yet.

I have sent in an inquiry with a bank for a small business loan. So hopefully I have success there. As I am really held back by the lack of stock.

We have been having people stay through AirBnb, which has helped with money and we get to meet people from all over the world.

My now ex friend came and stayed for a bit too long recently. Initially the issue was her sleeping too much and spreading her mess everywhere. Then there was her self-centred nature and thinking everything was about her and that everyone is on this earth to serve her. She treated us like her personal taxi and source of entertainment and when things did not go her way she would have a hissy fit. It was so stressful and draining having her here. And she just did not seem to have any concept of what person space is. Like when she was doing a lot of sleeping, she would just go make herself comfortable on our bed without asking. She even had the arrogance to ask me to ask my partner to do whatever he was doing in our room, in the lounge and then she went and napped on our bed some more. She made a boom site of the spare room. She talked disrespectfully about any male AirBnb guests, saying she would not stay in the spare bed, as “all males are the same”. To which I told her, they are not and not every straight male wants to sleep with her and she should not put males into a box. While she was here, she met 1 of our younger friends, who is 19 and she is 36 and she decided she wanted him. She was pretty much hanging off him telling him how great she is and talking herself up, as she thinks every guy thinks she’s attractive and wants to sleep with her. And when our friend rejected her, she had a huge sulk and whinged about it for the next day and a half. She paid us a small amount for food the first week and the next week she decided drugs were more important. She had been to rehab recently, but clearly that didn’t do much, as she went back to drugs not long after. And she is not a very nice person when she’s high and hangs around some very dodgy people. I heard recently she blames me for her going elsewhere and getting into strife. She is one of those people who accepts no responsibility and everything is everyone’s fault and but hers. I am in no way to blame for saying no to driving her around and pandering to her every want. My partner and I would intentionally stay away from OUR home for as long as possible to avoid being around her, as she is very toxic and we need our time alone as a couple. We would have friends who had only met her 2 times say about her, “you need to get that person out of your house and life asap”. Her ex also said the same and warned she will bring trouble right to our door. When she came to get some of her stuff, she was like “I’m not moving out, I’m just getting a few things” and we were sitting there thinking, but you never moved in! And when she finally got the hint she was not welcome to stay, she came over with some dodgy drug addicts to get her suitcase and the women let herself in and demanded to use the toilet, which I told her was in use and then she was asking where a sink was and starting walking around demanding I tell her where the toilet was. I refused to tell her and they finally left and she told me my house smells disgusting and I said “don’t come into my house and talk to me like that” and she replied “do I look like the kind of person who cares what you think?” and then she dumped some rubbish on the doorstep and they left. It took me a few days to get over the fear and anxiety, worrying someone would come and try get revenge on me for not allowing this ex friend to stay on further. So glad she is out of our life. We both blocked and deleted her on FB. She refers to me as her best friend, which I am not and see certainly never treats me like a good friend.

My partner and I are so glad to have such a person out of our lives.

I went to the movies last night with my partner and we saw ‘A Street Cat named Bob’. We loved it! Best movie ever I reckon.

Better get on with my day, as I have to pick my daughter up from school in a few hours.

Thankx for reading 🙂

Depression and anxiety at night

So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking 😥  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

I never thought I could find a love like this. Most of my teenage and adult life I thought I did not deserve it.

I do not know why.  Why I thought I was not worthy of real, true, honest love.  So I always settled for less.  I always feared letting someone like this in.

I would self sabotage and push anyone capable of this love away.

I can not tell you where these feelings of inadequacy came from.

For I have seen true love.  That is what I believe my mother and step father have.

Having this kind of love is beautiful, a blessing and I do deserve it.  But how scary it is.  After pushing it away for so much of my life and denying myself the opportunity to feel it and give it.

It is clear why it is scary, as it is a huge risk, putting your heart out there and trusting another not to break it.  But I am not the only one taking the risk, I am not the only one who is scared.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I never dreamed I could or would find somebody like this.  And just like they always say, that person comes along right when you are not looking.

I was not looking for love.  I was not even looking for a partner.

How sweet that we found one another.

I have been on Tumblr for the last hour looking at posts about love.  And how some people describe it is perfect.

I find it especially true how many say, that person, they light up the room, they are the light in the darkness, they ignite a spark within you, hearing their voice makes you smile, recieving a text from them brings you joy and they are the one you always look for in a crowded room.  And they feel those exact same thing’s for you.

It is amazing having someone who ignites a spark in me and who wants to nurture and grow that spark. Who wants to stand alongside me as I grow and whom I want to do the same for.

I am not used to this.  I am not used to having a partner who feels so deeply for me and who thinks the world of me.  Who wants to lift me up, instead of tear me down. 

And who truly gets me!

I love that he can read me.  How he pays close attention and knows if I am feeling down and depressed.  He knows without me even having to say a word.  And he cares, really cares.  Knowing I can always be unfiltered with him and just be me, however that feels at any time, is priceless.

If I tell him I am anxious, panicked, depressed and self doubting.  He gets it.  He understands 100%.

Actually being able to feel however I feel and just be me and that be okay, is amazing!

I am not used to a relationship like this.  And of course there are no complaints from me about having such a relationship. 

Wow!  Just wow!

He has captured my heart and I have captured his.  And he knows who he is  ☺

And yes, he does read my blog.  And not to check up on me like the ex. He reads it because he cares about me and he is interested. 

He is such a sweetheart  💖

And well, I also think he is sexy as fuck and hot as hell!

I am SO lucky  😃

I’ve not posted for ages it seems. Not because I didn’t want to or that I didn’t have anything to write about. As I did. I have just been lacking motivation. And have not tried to put time aside to. I end up distracted by a lot of meaningless crap online. Like Facebook, Trade Me and just wasting way too much time online.

I went through a pretty low period last month, when I found out my oldest daughter was not going to be coming down in the July school holidays.  Due to the lawyer for children who is appointed to her, not having the past CYFS  (child,youth and family) files. As you would likely expect if you have been following my blog for some time, I was not impressed that the past is still being brought into the present. And my concern is, that there is not enough clarity in those files to make a clear separation between the statement “while in her mother’s care”, not stating her step father as the main issue and the reality that most of the problem was with his treatment of her. I worry that yet again my history of ongoing mental illness will be brought up as being a risk factor.  

Then also, concerning last month’s school holidays. It was decided that she would be coming down for 2 days, though with her grandparents on her father’s side and that she would not be staying with me. And then also added, not allowed to be alone with me at any time. So my mother, who also had work during this time, was expected to drop everything to be there with me. And this was not arranged with her consent, but told to her as the plan.

So yeah, I was really bloody hurt and upset by these limitations. By being treated like I am someone to be weary of and not fit to be treated and respected as her mother. I had all the facts of how the visit was to go, emailed to me by the lawyer. Thus provoked because I stated to her granddad, I am her mother and no parenting order has been put in place, plus at that stage, before the email, it was only the lawyers recommendations. I also stated that legally I am still her main guardian. So of course, granddad freaked out and went tattling to the lawyer, instead of keeping communication open and calling me.

I need to write an email to this lawyer before the actual meeting that puts orders into place, but I keep freaking out, getting highly anxious and panicked about it and have not yet done it.

I feel like I did what was best for my oldest daughter at the time, yet it is being manipulated in a way were I may have my rights removed regarding seeing her. That it will become termed ‘visitation’ and have rules put in place that prevent me from ever having her without approved supervision. 

This is not right!

Most of my family feel like we are being screwed over and treated without regard. It is hurting my family, her siblings and my relationship with her. It feels to us like we are gradually having her removed from our life. My mother feels like she’s not even her grandchildren anymore. And that is terrible,  as she was her first ever grandchild.

What it’s doing to me is just tearing me apart. It at times makes me feel like I’m a failure, like nothing I do is good enough or enough. I end up feeling like everyone is just better off without me. Yeah, I get pretty damn low regarding all of this. 

In my head I’m screaming “enough already!”. When will this end?!

I have been so drained in every way for weeks, maybe even months. And my anxiety is going nuts lately. Not helped by my car issues. It’s been battery issues quite often, then it has now become a starter motor issue. So I’ve had to use the grocery money to pay for a starter motor and I couldn’t pick my younger 2 kid’s up from daycare and school today, like I was supposed to. 

I’ve been quite overly sensitive lately. 

Hey, on the plus side, my partner is still super awesome and we love each other to bits and he treats me SO well.

I have also been repairing the odd iphone screen. And when we can, we buy cheap one’s to repair and resell. Though we have encountered the odd brickwall. Like icloud locked, when this fact was not stated in the auction. So that is a hurdle that can not be bipassed. I think presently I need 2 iphone 5s/5c batteries, 1 iphone 5c screen, 1 iphone 5s screen, a battery terminal installed on a iphone 4s logic board, a iphone 5 logic board, a screen for a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2, a battery for a Nextbook, 2 ipod touch 2 screens and probably a screen and back for either an iPhone 4 or 4s.

So yeah, I’m a bit of a techy at the moment. 

We did sell a friend a phone, not that he has paid for it! And he want even make small payments and apparently tried to on sell it, even though he still owes me money for it. So yes, that trust has gone out the window.

Friend wise, at least here in Nelson is non-existent. My partner is my only real friend. That’s not a bad thing though. It just sux other friends just do not bother putting in an effort. I do, but nothing ever happens. 

I’d better try get some sleep. As I have my youngest for most of tomorrow/today. He’s 3 now!

Thankx for reading ☺

I just finished watching a very interesting and thought provoking movie. It is about bipolar and mania.

Touched with Fire

There is another movie I am very interested in watching, so I need to see if it is at the video store. It is about a boy with bipolar and is based on a true story. No Letting Go

An interesting part about the first movie, the one I just watched tonight, is how the 2 main actors, who were portraying 2 bipolar inpatients, were acting at a very manic time and their fixations and obsessions about certain things. I gave me an honest insight into what I observed from a guy who I was in the Psychiatric Ward and respite with back in August 2013. I now understand what head space he was in and where he was at with things he would talk about in great detail when in Psychosis.

I have been feeling quite anxious today, as I have my first appointment in over more then a year at Kawai Clinic, that is the name on the Nelson Community Mental Health Clinic. I’m not too sure how long the appointment will be for, but hopefully it is productive and here’s hoping I am taken seriously and offered some help. Instead of my usual experience of being fobbed off. I am sure if I do feel fobbed off, I will be on here venting about it tomorrow. Let’s hope I am wrong. Though, naturally it is very hard not to be pessimistic based on previous experience with those lot.

Though an appointment with them is progress, I just get really anxious and slightly distressed at the thought of talking to someone about everything. It doesn’t come as naturally anymore, as it used to when I was in a darker place and at my worst. As experience has jaded me and I have got into a habit of hiding how I feel and not talking about it with professionals. As I have been left to my own devices for so long. And did not even get a look in with the CMH(community mental health) after my slight suicide attempt last August. I mean that, if anything should have provoked some kind of referral. But no. It is such a sad state of affairs this thing called the Mental Health Sector in NZ.

I have another appointment straight after this particular appointment as well. With my ex and the relationship counsellor. Gah! Why do they both have to be on the same day and straight after one another?! Fun times….not!

Anyway, enough about that.

Thing’s with my new partner are great and I feel very blessed to have him and am just SO happy with him. I can be ME with him. Faults and all. I could not ask for anyone better.

I will head to bed soon, as I have my appointments in the morning and I really don’t like appointments in the morning. So I best get some sleep. Plus, some time soon my Quetiapine will kick in and I might start heading into what I like to call ‘zombieland’ territory and may stop making sense. It is really quite amusing when I am in that state. I just start having sudden pauses in my thinking and speaking and keep spacing out.

Anyway, good night and thankx for reading.

The reason for the title is because we have not been able to get the internet connected at home.  Turns out the phone line which would at least allow the internet provider to narrow down our particular apartment, has been cut at the box.  Annoying!  You see it is what is referred to as a multi dwelling building and that makes it harder to work out where to send the VDSL signal.  So yeah, no internet at home as yet, which makes blogging very difficult and believe me I have been hanging out to blog.

So, thing’s have improved since my last post.  I had a session with the relationship counsellor and my ex and we managed to come to an arrangement that works for both of us, regarding seeing my younger 2 children.  I get my nearly 3 year old son by himself on Wednesday’s and I get both of them on Saturday.  My son is generally ok with that, but my 6 year old often wants to stay with me and not go home at the end of Saturday, which is hard for both her and I.  But I respect the arrangement and in time I am sure her Dad will allow her to have at least 1 overnight stay a week.

I have met my new partner’s father a couple of times and he has talked to me briefly, so that is something.  To me that is big progress considering.

The new place is great.  It is opposite the beach, a big sports field and a decent playground. And it is nice and close to most places.  It is just a really lovely apartment and we are really enjoying it here.

We were having issues a few weeks back with some unstable types through Facebook.  I don’t know how many of the messages were coming from the same person with fake profiles and how many of them were different people connected with the same person. But these people were making up numerous stories and lies and even going as far as threatening my new partner, our friend and myself.  And due to some kind of setting within the Facebook app they knew the approximate area where we live.  So I have since gone through every possible setting on Facebook to make it impossible for random people to contact me or find me on there.  I also made sure any location tracking or GPS setting on Facebook has been disabled.  They went as far as turning up at our friend’s house and threatening his Mum and made up a lie about rape.  These people are truly messed up.  We suspect they are quite possibly junkies.  They certainly were not straight while messaging my new partner or myself.  Their messages barely made sense, they keep changing their stories and could not spell or put a proper sentence together.  My new partner and I made a point of blocking anyone potentially associated with them and thankfully we have heard nothing since.  Regarding them knowing the approximate area we live in, I simply lied and said that the location service often gets that particular suburb wrong and comes up with that result even when in a nearby suburb, which is my old suburb and that I in fact lived in my old suburb.  Which is not untrue to be fair, as my phone would locate me as being in my current suburb, when I in fact lived in my previous suburb.  They seemed to know approximately what street we live on, like scarily close, as in the 2 streets up the road.  I lied again and said it would have been picking up my location from when I go to the recycling centre and recycled clothing warehouse or that I was likely visiting my friend in that area.  I did not want to let on to them that they were anywhere near right regarding my location.

All of this put me extremely on edge and made me extremely anxious, panicked and fearful.  To the point I was jumping at random noises at night and freaking out when I was at home by myself and I certainly did not want to leave the house.  I was so freaked out and paranoid that I wished I could just pack up and move islands.  But I knew that would not be fair on my younger 2 children. So now that all that has stopped I am not as freaked out, but my anxiety is still higher then usual.

The internet is a powerful thing, but on the flip side, that is not always a good thing.

I was talking to my new partner the other night about my experiences after I had my youngest child and that made it very evident to me that all that is still somewhat raw and there are still definitely issues that need resolving.

I have been having issues with disturbing and/or bothersome dreams consistently over the last few weeks.  I find it quite emotionally and mentally draining.  I find myself avoiding going to bed or when in bed anxious about going to sleep.  I just wish for some reprieve from such dreams.

I have been going to the recycling centre shop quite a bit lately and have been getting some awesome stuff for the house for really cheap.

Thing’s are going really well with my new partner.  I love how affectionate he is, how we are so often on the same page, even thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time and how he notices if my mood is off.  I observe the same in him, which he is not used to.  I love that he appreciates things like that in me and that he truly sees the real me, flaws and all and all the good stuff too.  He is one in a million.

My mood has been quite sensitive lately and low at times.  Which definitely I feel was effected hugely by the Facebook crap.

Some of the Facebook crap I think was started by a young guy who had not taken it well that I am in a relationship.  Sadly he is quite a mentally unstable guy.  I believe schizophrenic and a compulsive liar.  Apparently he can not often distinguish the difference between the lies he has fabricated and reality.  He wholeheartedly believes these lies to be fact.

The problem with it being so long until I get to post is that I often have some quite significant things in my mind that I want to share, but by the time I do get to post, I have forgotten most of it.

One thing that is in my thoughts quite often is my possible career interest.  I would definitely like to be doing something helping others.  I definitely still have a very strong interest and passion for mental health and psychology.  My ideal job would be a support worker in Intermediate and/or College, as in supporting young people of those ages with things regarding their mental health.  But then is the consideration of study and how tight of a position that might put me in financially.  I know many subjects have mid year intakes.  Then there is adding to my student loan debt.  It is scary.  I think my caution regarding that is my own mental health.  I want to feel a certain amount of stability with my mental health consistently.  As I know I become overwhelmed easily, stressed easily, anxious and panicked.  I think that is what has been hindering my decision and commitment to study.  As I can not keep just trying to go on without working through such significant issues.

Gah!  Just writing all that made me feel anxious.

I think that is all I have to write about for now.  So thank you again for reading.

 

 

It has been just over a month since I blogged last.  There have been ups and downs.

There was a point last month when I felt dangerously suicidal.  To the point that I had it thought out thoroughly in my head.  I was going to wander off and use the bait knife to cut my wrists.  The only reason I didn’t is because my new partner would have noticed me leave and would have followed.  So instead I did something that is quite unfamiliar, scary and new to me.  I actually allowed myself to cry and be vulnerable in front of him.  I know I can trust him in those circumstances and I know he genuinely cares and also gets such feelings, regarding the suicidal desires.  So he just sat with me and lay with me and hugged me and supported me.  He really is a gem.

I am totally transparent with him regarding the real me and all my faults and imperfections.  It is the best way to start a relationship I feel and even friendship.  As no-one gains anything from putting on an act.  And eventually any facade you present will drop and the real you will shine through.

How comforting and reassuring it is to have someone I can just be myself with and vice versa.  And knowing he has experienced his own depression, suicidal desires and anxiety, helps to make me feel okay about letting him know when I am having bad days.  I can also support him when he is struggling and we can both tell if either of us is struggling.  As we pick up on the silent cues others would likely miss.

Regarding his parents, I get on well with his Mum.  His Father I have yet to meet, so he is still forming his own judgments and ideas about me and my character and intentions. None of them correct.  But hey, there plenty of time to prove him wrong.

I had my younger 2 kid’s over for the day a few weeks back, around my new partner and they loved him and really enjoyed his company.  They only know him as Mummies Friend at this stage. My 6 year old daughter went home to her Dad raving about how awesome my new partner is and well, he did not take that well.  He is now refusing to let me see the children at all!  The only way he says that I can see them is if there is someone he knows and trusts there the whole time or someone from Barnardos.  And he may be the full time carer, but legally he has no right to keep me from seeing the kid’s.  He is letting his anger and bitterness cloud his judgment.

My ex is being very unreasonable about a lot of thing’s.  He has all the furniture and furnishings I bought last year and bedding and bed’s.  I was only able to leave with my oldest daughters king single bed and my drawers and clothes.  I do also have my printer, laminator and coffee machine(the cheaper one).  While he has the Lexus I bought so he had a car for when he went back to work, all the whiteware, beds, bedding, lounge suite, dining suite, TV, speaker system, home appliances, kitchen stuff, bikes, bathroom linen and other things.

I contacted him via text a few days ago to ask for just 2 duvet sets, 2 sheet sets and the newest duvet inner.  As he still has plenty of queen size bed linen from before I purchased those particular thing’s last year.  He was unwilling for me to come over and get them if he was going to be out at some point.  As I was trying to be considerate of the fact that he does not want to see me.  He absolutely shoot down that idea, saying I can not be trusted. Which is based in nothing.  I am trusting him with pretty much all my possessions except what I do have with me currently.  And I trust him to keep paying the power which is under my name.  And the internet, which is now disconnected and unable to be paid, resulting in my credit being screwed again.  He is only willing to give me 1 set of sheets, claiming that taking 2 sets would leave him with hardly any.  And he thinks it is only fair that he gets to keep 1 set, since they were the expensive 2 sets.  Ridiculous!  I know for a fact he has at least 3 or 4 sets.

He was not liking me asserting myself and my rights via the text message exchanges and made a point of telling me how much he hates me, insulting my intelligence and at some point telling me to “fuck off already”.

Anyway, enough about that.

My new partner and I have had our fair share of ups and downs in the last few weeks. On the positive side, we got offered the apartment we applied to rent.  Which is perfect, as it is fully furnished and in a great location.  Then we had to apply for the bond and rent advance and were declined, because my new partner needed to be added to my benefit for us to be able to apply for that.  So we got all the relevant paperwork for that.  Though we did have to change the moving date.  So we got another appointment with WINZ and got a few more things sorted, but still could not apply for the bond and rent advance yet.  Then our next appointment was not until the moving date, which was a stress, as things would not be processed until the day after, when the property manager is closed.  So again we had to change the move in date.  Then we went to our appointment and the case manager we got was not very friendly or helpful and was quite rude to us.  She made us both quite stressed out and anxious, not that she cared.  She said there was no way that my application for half of the bond and rent advance would be granted.  Though she was proven wrong when she inquired with someone higher up and my half was granted.  She then basically very rudely told us we were done and it was time to leave.  We were trying to establish what would happen about the other half, but she just gave us no answer and hurried us up.  So we left WINZ feeling really stressed, worried and anxious.  Freaking out, because we didn’t know what was happening and if we would even be able to move in on the date we had agreed upon.  Thankfully my new partner and I managed to talk to someone really good from the WINZ call centre, who was really helpful and polite.  He got all the process on the go and approved.  So, yay!  No more worries about the new place.

My Quetiapine is kicking in big time, so I must end my post here and hope it is spell checked well enough and making sense.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading.