It’s been a while

I’ve been through a lot since my relationship ended last year in November. Ups and downs. Some bad decisions, but I feel more good decisions have been made then bad.

Out of loneliness and desperation for social contact, I did hang around with some less then desirable people and made bad choices. Took drugs that I regret ever trying. I don’t feel I ever got to a point of being reliant or addicted, as I feel it was more being around the drug and people who had a dependency on it and simply partaking out of boredom and just being around those people. I never really cared for it and can happily live without it and those people and the stresses that their lives involved. I was mostly using it as a distraction from my unhappy feelings. It was most definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. Trying to runaway from my reality, instead of facing it head on and making the changes I needed to, to make my life better. Certainly I do not think people who take such a drug are bad people, but they tend to be, from my observation, very stuck, hurting people, who generally have traumas and issues that they haven’t resolved and rather then actually doing the right thing for themselves and working through their traumas and issues, they choose to numb it and block it out with drugs. This, as we all know, never fixes anything. This is always a temporary solution and never serves to improve their lives and then due to their addiction, they do end up make bad choices and becoming pretty shitty in how they behave and treat others, out of desperation to feed their addiction. It’s really bloody sad. I am quite empathetic and I see their pain, but I don’t accept their excuses. I can empathize with how their trauma is a constant struggle to live with, but still, you are the author of your life and only you can rewrite your story and that there is power. A power that I wish these people would embrace.

All you can do is say, “hey, I see you. I see your pain. I see how much it hurts, I see how hard you struggle. But you can do better and be better and you have these skillsets and you can make something of your life and you know that”. No-one will ever change until they are ready. All you can do is let them know someone believes in them, that they are important and people do care and leave it at that. You can’t hang around to see if they make these changes, as due to their addiction, they will sadly use you, manipulate you and play on your sympathies to feed their addiction.

That’s as much time as I’m willing to devote to that subject. I’m done with that drug and those people and my life is better for it.

I was so sick of living a life of regret and shame. I hated hurting people I love when I was weak. I hated that I lied and only thought about myself at times, in the context of making selfish choices that did not serve my growth and I couldn’t be the best me.

I am SO lucky for the few great people I have in my life. I keep my circle small for a reason. Only people who want the best for me I allow to stay in my life. I am thankful to my Mum for being there and loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. For supporting me and advocating for me when I was depressed and suicidal last year and the mental health sector didn’t offer me any help. I am so thankful she kept pushing until someone would hear me and offer me the support I desperately needed. I am thankful for my friend Lindsay, even though he didn’t always know what to say, what he had to say was supportive and caring and just even if all he could do was listen, that was huge to me. I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sophie telling me some hard truths and pulling me up on being kind of shit Mum during the Xmas holidays and not being there for her. She was blunt, but I love that she was and I needed her to tell me straight how that effected her. It really helped me. Yeah, no doubt it was very hard to hear. As it hurt and I hurt her and failed her when I couldn’t be present. As I was not coping after my break up and I just couldn’t be present and be the parent she needed. I am thankful to my ex, who is still my friend and I think he will always be my best friend, despite everything. Because we have been each others best friend for 5 years and we are used to sharing our lives, triumphs and struggles with each other. And I Love him no doubt. It hurts me so much when I know he is hurting because of me. He’s been my biggest supporter in life and been with me through so much. The best and the worst and he still stayed loyal and by my side, loving me through it all. But I wasn’t always the team player and partner he needed and I was detrimental to his mental health at times, due to my unresolved issues. So I respect he needed to leave and put that time and distance between us, to look after himself and ultimately it forced me to look after myself and find myself and start to heal my life. I do want a life with him and I hope in the future we can have that. We do both care for each other deeply and love each other. But because of my last slip up with drugs on my birthday, his guard is up and his trust towards me is shaken. So that will take time to rebuild. But I appreciate that he texts with me every day and we chat on the phone several times a week. He is irreplaceable. No one has captured my heart like him. No-one gets me like he does and he’s just a beautiful soul, so kindhearted and a real man. He softened my hardened heart.

I’ve had to sever contact with his parents, as they don’t agree I should be in his life in any capacity. I do understand based on the past me, that they have their reservations. But people can and do change. But I can’t allow myself to care so much what they think and about their approval, as the last interaction I had with his father, left me feeling enraged, hopeless and suicidal and rather then allow his father to throw anything more at me that had such a negative response by me, I did what was best for me and cut off contact. If you have followed my blog and read many of my previous posts about myself, you may recall I have quite an issue with seeking approval of parents, especially fathers. I think fathers, because I lost my own father at an early age, so I tend to crave that acceptance more.

I am a lot stronger then I realized. That I am still standing and persevering despite such a long struggle with depression is awesome. The end of last year was so hard for me. Living by myself has been very hard and yeah, there was a period of bad decisions because of loneliness. My brief time on Tinder, I thought it was about sex, but when I really looked at myself, it was loneliness and not respecting myself and not loving myself and not caring about myself. It was so much deeper, that behaviour, then what it seemed. Truth, once I got over my self destructive tendencies, I realized I don’t even care about sex, unless it’s in a relationship and with someone I love. It doesn’t feel good, it lacks substance and depth. I feel some females can tend to keep sex very separate from feelings at times. This is evidenced in how females can tend to move on sexually or otherwise quite fast. We can be a bit ruthless to be honest. Men, despite many misconceptions have more depth and emotional connections related to sex. Interesting, because there’s always been this perception that women are the more emotional sex. Hmm, don’t fully agree. It’s just more socially acceptable for us to have and show emotions. I feel the opposite is true. I feel men are the more emotional sex. But it is less accepted as appropriate for them to show emotion by society. Yes, there is more acceptance of this, but still we have a long way to go. I feel women really are given way too much leeway and they get away with so much that they shouldn’t. We are taught from a young age in fact, to be less then honest and how to manipulate and in fact how to use our sexuality to get our way in certain situations. Whereas men are taught to be honest, loyal, truthful and to make their family proud. They are taught to be hardworking, nurturing, protective and they have a huge weight of expectations on them by society and family. I accept I’m a female and it is what it is, but I am not proud of what little is honestly expected of us. I mean come on, really?! Why do we get bought up with such questionable values?! Why didn’t we get bought up to be honest, loyal, truthful, hardworking and protective?…. Like in this world of equality, this is fucked! Granted, there are likely some women who may have been bought up in a less morally questionable way, but I’m not one of them and every female I have known so far, accept maybe one, was bought up much the same as me. And just let me say, I think men do deserve to get paid more with regards to certain careers. This isn’t about sexism though, it’s about certain tasks they can better perform then women and I’m not saying there aren’t possibly women who could do some of those tasks, it’s possible, but this is why the higher pay is justified.

On to another subject. Stoicism and Philosophy. Both bloody awesome subjects! I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on Stoics, Stoicism and Philosophers and Philosophy and it’s very insightful and relevant and can definitely be used to better our lives. Markus Aurelius, Socrates, Seneca, Epictetus. I have come to discover a lot of modern Psychology has a lot of basis and inspiration from Philosophy and Stoicism, especially CBT.

So, what else have I been upto lately. Well, self improvement, studying for my Class 2 license and Forklift License. Trying to get a full time job. Eating well and looking after my mind, body and soul. Living a life I can be proud of. I can’t remember if I have mentioned my annoying diet restrictions. Annoyingly I am Gluten Intolerant, Lactose Intolerant and Egg Intolerant. Makes eating healthy on a small budget so damn difficult! You go to the supermarket and have to really look and not be impulsive. That not being impulsive with foods has been a hard one to work with. As I love sweet, bad things, but my body WILL punish me if I eat bad foods 😦

I’m feeling a lot happier these days and have more energy and motivation. Dropping the antidepressants seems to have helped with that. Though I do still have dreams that are intense and sometimes emotionally charged or distressing. But I’ve come to accept that might just be because dreams are the brains way of resolving issues, whether current or past. Having to just use your own strength to deal with your many varying and intense emotions without the aid of antidepressants just shows how strong you really are. But damn! It is not the easiest task to sit with those intense emotions, especially the desire to self harm or any suicidal thoughts, when you don’t have the off switch or balancing influence of antidepressants. But look, I am still here and I’ve not self harmed and I’m still living my life and finding hope.

It used to feel like I had this lifelong sentence with BPD. I feel the essence of my issues with regards to BPD was the shifting self identity and now that I have a more solid sense of self and feel assured of who ‘I’ am, I am feeling more at ease, more contented and less of a lost cause. I feel so much more hope for myself and the future. It sux when you lose yourself and just can’t work out where you fit in this world. Finding that renewed sense of self is a beautiful, powerful thing.

Right, I’m happy with that level of sharing and also, just past midnight and I need to sleep. Thanks to anyone following my blog and reading it. I appreciate it and appreciate you. I hope what I share helps others feel less alone in this messed up world. Knowing you aren’t the only one going through what you’re going through is reassuring and makes life, with it’s ups and downs and various struggles, that little bit easier just knowing you aren’t alone in your struggles. Hence why I blog and I encourage others to blog. This started as an outlet just for me and then became about just being real in hopes that others might draw inspiration from knowing they aren’t alone and being at the very least, comforted by that. I do my best not to filter myself, as I want to be as real as possible about my ups and downs.

This Year has been A LOT!

Where to even start. As it has been so damn long since I lasted blogged

Still going through a lot myself at the moment. As my partner broke up with me about 6 weeks ago and that has not been easy

There’s been a few stresses this year

We had an alcoholic flatmate who definiely outstayed his welcome and did cause a fair bit of tension. During lockdown he had a clash with my now ex partner, which resulted in my ex going to stay elsewhere for a significant amount of lockdown. And I was left stuck here with the flatmate which I hated

We had broken up briefly earlier this year, but we managed to make things work again

I can already feel my emotions starting to rise up just mentioning the break up

There were periods where I used unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I decided a few months back to sort myself out and start seeing a therapist. As I was over being a shit person and making stupid decisions and being left hating myself for it

I definitely struggled with the stress of not having my partner around for quite a few periods this year. With all the stresses of this year I really missed him when he was away from home

I found the lead up to Xmas really hard. As he left me on the 11th November. And I have been through a lot emotionally since he left. He broke my heart for sure and it still hurts. I feel like the coping changes, but not the feelings. I don’t miss him any less now then I did when he broke up with me

I felt pretty suicidal the days after he left. I pretty much just ignored the world for most of the first week and wouldn’t answer calls and mostly kept my phone turned off

I feel like noone could ever replace the way he made me feel or even come close to what we had

Yeah, I feel pretty lost without him

He had a fair amount of stresses himself this year. With has dad having cancer, him being diagnosed with Adult ADD, Alcoholic flatmate and needy, co-dependant me

The thing that shocked me, is how suddenly it ended and the fact I felt we had been going well in our relationship. I was going to therapy to get my head sorted, I was making sure I put time aside and made time for us, I cooked dinner even when I didn’t feel like it, I made him a cup of tea every morning without being asked. I was showing up for once and part of our team. I was even doing better with my business and record keeping

But it seemed I pushed too much on the day things ended and I wasn’t respectful and I was insensitive and did not give him the space he needed

Yeah, I get needy and irrational sometimes!

I also decided to stop taking my antidepressants a few weeks back, so that’s been pretty intense. Makes me realise just how many emotions I have and how sensitive I am to even little things

I did plan to get off them at some point. But I didn’t realise how much they were numbing me until I dropped the dose down to half. I appreciated the clarity it gave me having less in my system. I definitely noticed I had more energy too.

But damn! So many emotions and so intense!

I came to a lot of realisations about a lot of things just messaging with my ex and also exploring my thoughts in my diary

I definitely have unresolved issues from years back. Things like the way ex’s before him treated me, the major depressive episode after having Dylan, CYFS input in my life and how that effected my confidence as a parent and how some of the ways I was treated in previous relationships, I seemed to bring some of that behaviour into my relationship with my most recent ex

It’s amazing/shocking how you can be doing this and not even realise it

My moods and such were described as (when I was still on my full dose of antidepressants) meh, flat, dull, melancholy and I feel I was very much on auto-pilot for many years and simply existing, not really living

I also feel as if I had a second personality that has been living my life for many years, instead of me. Like it served the purpose of protecting me, but then still stayed when I no longer needed protection and just continued to do damage long past it’s expiry

My ex accused me of being quite inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. And maybe that is accurate. The thing is, it very much seems to be in the way in which my brain is wired and how BPD works. So clearly my emotions become very all consuming when they are present and I guess I can be seen as not observing or considering other peoples feelings

I know I was guilty of not knowing how to have a healthy, normal relationship. Fact is, I met him when I was not looking for a partner and then we just clicked and became something more then just sex and I’ve been trying to work it all out as I go along. As to be fair, I don’t know when I ever had a normal, healthy relationship

This whole living by myself that was suddenly thrust upon me has been hard. I miss the cuddles so much

Granted, maybe there is someone out there that could treat me just as well. But Wez is special to me because of what I have been through with him by my side. And how many people can really peak and hold my interest? None before him I know that much

Honestly, if I saw him with someone else, it would so break me and it’s not about anything I feel I’m lacking, I just thought we were forever and I would be with him for the rest of my life, so this current reality is hard to bear

In any way that he lacks, I can just see past that, because I love him

My feelings don’t change, just coping changes. But I so easily get triggered and tearful and just end up missing him like crazy

This has all been very difficult alone. The emotional ups and downs, the varying moods, the intense loneliness and not having someone there to talk to is hard

I feel like my friends and family very much dropped the support for me very fast. And when people do not give you permission to grieve at your own pace, that just sux. This is my journey, don’t try and steer my ship in the direction you think best. That is not support. Support is standing along side me and being ok with wherever I am at in my journey

I listened to a great audiobook when I was in respite that helped me feel at peace with my journey and where I am at, it’s called Unfuck Your Brain. It goes over things from a psychological perspective, as well as a scientific perspective. It was really validating

I’m sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I’m having a mind blank at the moment, so I will just leave it at this

Thanks for reading

FML!

FML (Fuck My Life) is the perfect way to describe how I feel lately.

Just stressed in a few areas. And I feel so crap all the time.

I have felt like self harming a few times, but thankfully haven’t and have had a few fleeting desires suicide wise.

My energy levels are like non-existent. I have no energy! I feel tired all the time! And I have no idea why.

I do need to go to the GP, but I owe over $50 and I don’t think they let you make an appointment when your debt is over $45 and it’s been in debt for over a month. Also I’m pessimistic of whether I will be taken seriously, based on previous experience. I feel I get fobbed off, when really I need to be taken seriously and I need the GP to look into what the issue is causing this low energy and constant low mood.

I’m SO moody, grumpy, sensitive, irritable, emotional and just a bloody mess! I can hardly bear myself and I have no idea how anyone else can deal with me. It feels like how I react isn’t even a conscious thing. I’ll react and then think to myself, why am I reacting like that?

I feel like it’s hormonal, physical and mental. I definitely feel effected in all those areas.

I was talking to my partner about how I wish I could just get drunk, just so as to feel something other then utter crap. And I cried just talking about it. My emotions are so on edge. I feel for him, having to deal with me at the moment. It can’t be easy.

I have definitely found the school holidays that are about to finish, very difficult. I just feel like I have not had the energy for the kids and found my tolerance quite low at times. It was quite hard when my oldest daughter was here, seeing her level of anxiety. It can’t be easy for her. And from what I’ve read from her carers, things are really difficult for her with them and at high school. I would like to try get her back in my care. But I feel like I’d need to secure a bigger place and be closer to family location wise.

I feel like some of my physical health problems are effecting my energy and aggravating other physical health problems. Like I feel like coming up to ‘that time of month’ I get a little constipated and going number 2’s aggravates my cervix, causing my cervical prolapse to become worth, which then causes bleeding before ‘that time of month’ and my cervix prolapsing aggravates the nerves in my back, causing back pain. And I already get the back pain during ‘that time of month’ any way. Then I am drained with ‘that time of month’ and PMSing during that time too. It feels like PMS all day, every day! I will be SO angry if I go to the GP eventually and I get no answers. This is NOT living! This is existing and that sux!

Bills. Oh they suck! You get on top of some and then before you can relax, another and it’s somehow overdue already! If it wasn’t for my repairs and buying mobiles, tablets/iPads or iPods for cheap and selling for a profit, things would be so much worse.

There is a really well priced office for rent in Stoke, but the issue is, where do we come up with the extra $50 a week to pay for that and also, power for it. I really like it and the location, but how to make it happen? As I feel like I don’t have enough work to afford it. But it’s like a double edged sword, like I shouldn’t forever put opportunities on hold, but also, I don’t have enough work yet. I wish I could have a home office. I like the idea of a small business loan, but is it affordable? And where would be affordable and can I earn enough to pay it back and is it a realistic option? I don’t feel like it would need to be a very big loan, just enough to get stock and advertising material, but only necessary, as in like flag/banner or sign. Something that you only have to pay for once.

So far advertising wise, I have 2 car magnets, a bumper sticker on my car and got 250 business cards printed for my business. I must say, loving Vistaprint prices!

Argh! I get so stressed when I’ve got things for sale and I get people enquiring, but no-one buying. Or asking to buy, then mucking me around and not buying.

I don’t look forward to going to bed at night or sleep. As it’s like, yay, lets have a sleep, only to wake up and still feel tired ALL THE TIME!

Ok, I think I’ve done enough venting now. I think I might drink a coffee…at nearly 10:30pm, just because.

Thanks for reading and following to those of you who follow my blog. I’m sorry there’s not a lot of positive much of the time, but yeah, I’m being real. I wish things were better 😦

Gah! I’m SO slack & unmotivated

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

A Love Like This

I never thought I could find a love like this. Most of my teenage and adult life I thought I did not deserve it.

I do not know why.  Why I thought I was not worthy of real, true, honest love.  So I always settled for less.  I always feared letting someone like this in.

I would self sabotage and push anyone capable of this love away.

I can not tell you where these feelings of inadequacy came from.

For I have seen true love.  That is what I believe my mother and step father have.

Having this kind of love is beautiful, a blessing and I do deserve it.  But how scary it is.  After pushing it away for so much of my life and denying myself the opportunity to feel it and give it.

It is clear why it is scary, as it is a huge risk, putting your heart out there and trusting another not to break it.  But I am not the only one taking the risk, I am not the only one who is scared.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I never dreamed I could or would find somebody like this.  And just like they always say, that person comes along right when you are not looking.

I was not looking for love.  I was not even looking for a partner.

How sweet that we found one another.

I have been on Tumblr for the last hour looking at posts about love.  And how some people describe it is perfect.

I find it especially true how many say, that person, they light up the room, they are the light in the darkness, they ignite a spark within you, hearing their voice makes you smile, recieving a text from them brings you joy and they are the one you always look for in a crowded room.  And they feel those exact same thing’s for you.

It is amazing having someone who ignites a spark in me and who wants to nurture and grow that spark. Who wants to stand alongside me as I grow and whom I want to do the same for.

I am not used to this.  I am not used to having a partner who feels so deeply for me and who thinks the world of me.  Who wants to lift me up, instead of tear me down. 

And who truly gets me!

I love that he can read me.  How he pays close attention and knows if I am feeling down and depressed.  He knows without me even having to say a word.  And he cares, really cares.  Knowing I can always be unfiltered with him and just be me, however that feels at any time, is priceless.

If I tell him I am anxious, panicked, depressed and self doubting.  He gets it.  He understands 100%.

Actually being able to feel however I feel and just be me and that be okay, is amazing!

I am not used to a relationship like this.  And of course there are no complaints from me about having such a relationship. 

Wow!  Just wow!

He has captured my heart and I have captured his.  And he knows who he is  ☺

And yes, he does read my blog.  And not to check up on me like the ex. He reads it because he cares about me and he is interested. 

He is such a sweetheart  💖

And well, I also think he is sexy as fuck and hot as hell!

I am SO lucky  😃

A lot has changed

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore.  But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason.  So I called him back.  He said “I think we need to talk”.  I asked “what about?”  He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”.  I asked him if he had been looking on my social media.  He said “no, I have just read your blog”.  I was thinking oh shit!  So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing.  What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending.  He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok.  Which I have great respect for.  He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes.  But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage.  But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing?  I didn’t have a conscience about it.  I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something.  I should have felt ashamed.  But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on.  Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them.  I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work.  Yeah I was angry and hurting.  I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to.  Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s.  I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship.  I just didn’t know how.  So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend.  I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness.  Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos.  Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement.  I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?!  Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about.  My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy.  Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around.  He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard.  I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies.  That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything.  And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him.  I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know.  Just assuming the worse.  Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age.  It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?!  Like, never!  I have always been immature and have never acted my age.  And I have always had friends younger then me.  It’s just me.  That’s who I am and always have been.  It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years.  This is ME.  This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out.  As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2.  So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting.  As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them.  So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people.  Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer.  They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now.  Which is mostly ok.  But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me.  As I like to have my freedom.  My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week.  And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized.  So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote.  As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately.  Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap!  It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

The Whirlwind That is My Life

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

Semi-colon Tattoo and other things

So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week.  Here’s a photo.

I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away!  I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress.  As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up.  So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small.  As in a 17cm gap.  So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits.  So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly.  Also it is gorgeous as!  So that is a positive.  I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress.  But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted.  So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time.  I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast.  Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for.  I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully.  And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him.  But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids.  As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times.  He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer.  Granted he may be right on some level.  But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general.  He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be.  He said quite a few nasty things in anger.  But I didn’t hear all of it fully.  As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out.  And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me.  But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel.  But I don’t feel like that changes anything.  I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved.  Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad.  For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old.  Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him.  And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire.  But then I think, is it though?  Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life.  I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep.  I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise.  I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy.  I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied.  I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more.  It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

Let’s get real…

Yup, time to get real with how things have been with me lately.

I haven’t had a chance to blog lately, which I prefer to use my laptop for, due to my fiance always using it when I would like to.  He’s always watching the same crap with it.  Either via YouTube or on Twitch.  So damn sick of hearing the same crap coming from my laptop for hours and pretty much every day!  I finally get hold of my laptop tonight and it’s battery is completely drained and it would not turn on!  Grr!  That so angered me!  I had to restart and about 6 times I think, before it decided to turn on.  And I only bought it in April I think.  Anyway, enough venting about that.

So, things have not been good with my mental health lately.  In fact not last week but the week before they got very bad.  I did something stupid which I am sure I have admitted to doing on here quite a few times in the past.  I abused/over-used my medications.  I intentionally took more of my medications then is probably safe or healthy.  I believe on the first night I took 5 Venlafaxine(Effexor), 3 Zopiclone, 2 Lorazepam and I think 5-6 Quetiapine.  So that is something like 425mgs of Venlafaxine(Effexor), 21mgs of Zopiclone, 2mgs Lorazepam and 500-600mgs of Quetiapine.  I may have taken more then that, I can’t remember to be honest.  I calculated how many I could take without killing myself.  I simply did not want to deal with reality for a bit.  Then the next night I took similar, but not as much.  At some point my the following day my fiance worked out something was not right with me and after dropping the kids to school, took me to the medical centre, who called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital.  The GP, my fiance, the paramedics and the hospital all probably thought it was a suicide attempt.  I assured them it was not.  Anyway, they hooked me up to all the relevant machines and took blood tests to see if my body had been effected in any negative ways by my overdose.  Lucky everything came back fine.  I stayed in overnight for observation.

Eventually the Mental Health Crisis Team came and saw me.  I found the lady to be really icy in her approach to me.  She even went as far as saying she did not think I was suffering depression.  Yeah…cause people do that shit because they are not depressed….Fuck off!  It is beyond me where the hell such a stupidly inaccurate diagnosis comes from!

And guess what?… I have not been followed up since!  OMG!

One thing that really hurt me was something my younger sister said to me after visiting me in hospital.  She said that I seemed to look quite pleased with myself when she saw me.  And even my mother agreed with that!  I had to remind them that I was high as a kite on the medications I had taken.  Man it hurts when you family have you completely wrong and say things like that.

During these school holidays we went up to Wellington for 6 days.  Which was quite an expensive trip.  I thought it might help my mental health to get away.  It did not unfortunately.  I honestly am still having trouble coping.

My anxiety is still quite a big problem and it does on many occasions stop me from doing regular things.  Like going to the supermarket.  Some days the idea of going anywhere freaks me out, so I stay at home.  Yet some days I don’t mind.  I am still definitely feeling depressed the majority of the time.  I hate my moods and emotions sometimes.  They are all over the place.  My patience sux, my tolerance to small things sux, I do not cope with stress, I can not cope very well with my 5 year olds behaviour, which is quite testing lately.

Sometimes I have a really strong urge to cut myself.  Thankfully I have only given in to that urge once, which was the same night I first took too many med’s.

So many things keep reminding me of my friend who committed suicide.  But that is probably quite normal I am guessing.

My bank account balance is playing on my mind.  I have actually been totally avoiding checking it.  I am freaking out about how fast it is going down.  I am stressing because I still have to pay for the reception, I have to keep money aside for the photographer, for suit hire, for the marriage license, for dress alterations and probably some other things.  It is really wearing me down the fact I had to organize pretty much everything for this wedding and then I have to pay for everything. It is really stressful when no-one else is chipping in.  I do not need stress!

I should be looking forward to it.  Instead I am stressing, as September is approaching rather fast.

I was aiming to get to my goal weight or near it.  Instead I have been slacking on my diet yet again and my weight is going up.  Argh!

Yes.  I probably am too hard on myself.

Motivation…what’s that?…. It is something I am lacking big time!

Deep down, I know my wedding day will be great, no matter what happens and it will be quite a relief once we are married.

So much for a stress free wedding!  Is there such a thing?  Maybe.

Like I get that the timing is probably part of it.  I have had a lot happen this year.  But I did not think putting it off would make things any better.

I may whinge about my fiance, but who doesn’t whinge and vent about their partner?  He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect. Relationships are just like this.  No matter how much we love one another, there is always something that each of us does that annoys the hell out of the other person and vice versa.  Reality is, he is pretty awesome for putting up with all this that has been thrown at him in the last few years and it takes a real man to stick around and support you and love you no matter what.  So yeah, I am really proud of him and even in awe of him for all this.

Whinging and moaning aside, I do truly love him and I know he feels the same.  I am lucky, even if I fail to acknowledge it at times.

Oops…it’s nearly 1:30am!  Better try get some sleep.  Good Night.  Thankx for reading.