Tag Archive: uncertainty


Lack of Stability/Uncertainty 

The lack of stability and uncertainty is due to only having 8 days left before we have to move. And we have not been offered a place to rent yet.

So now we have had to really consider our options, of which there are not many.

We have looked into short term accommodation at all the places we know of, but they have nothing. We considered hiring a caravan, but the weekly rate for that, as well as a powered site is too high. We have looked into flatting for a short period, but noone I have contacted is keen.

So basically if we are not offered a place to rent in the next week, we will have to live in a tent in a camping ground and put most of our stuff into storage. 

Admittedly I have been suffering panic attacks more often at night before I fall asleep. Just freaked out by the uncertainty. 

I don’t know how much I’ll be able to have my kid’s next week, as there’s a lot to get sorted next week. Though I feel bad about potentially saying no to having them much next week. But also I worry if I am feeling stressed I may not be able to give them the attention they deserve.

Hopefully I will be able to update on thing’s next week some time. 

Until then, thank you for reading and following. 

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore.  But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason.  So I called him back.  He said “I think we need to talk”.  I asked “what about?”  He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”.  I asked him if he had been looking on my social media.  He said “no, I have just read your blog”.  I was thinking oh shit!  So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing.  What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending.  He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok.  Which I have great respect for.  He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes.  But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage.  But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing?  I didn’t have a conscience about it.  I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something.  I should have felt ashamed.  But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on.  Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them.  I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work.  Yeah I was angry and hurting.  I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to.  Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s.  I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship.  I just didn’t know how.  So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend.  I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness.  Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos.  Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement.  I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?!  Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about.  My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy.  Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around.  He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard.  I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies.  That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything.  And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him.  I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know.  Just assuming the worse.  Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age.  It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?!  Like, never!  I have always been immature and have never acted my age.  And I have always had friends younger then me.  It’s just me.  That’s who I am and always have been.  It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years.  This is ME.  This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out.  As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2.  So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting.  As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them.  So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people.  Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer.  They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now.  Which is mostly ok.  But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me.  As I like to have my freedom.  My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week.  And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized.  So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote.  As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately.  Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap!  It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

Yeah, so being right is usually something we all like to be, except of course when what we are right about is something we’d prefer we were wrong about.

So, I was worried and feeling that property managers of the house we rent, were being less then honest and not letting on that landlords are looking to sell. I was so hoping that I was wrong and that this wasn’t going to happen. Well, found out yesterday afternoon, I was right and they are putting the house up for sale, which sux! As, not only will we get disrupted by having to piss off whenever they want to do an open home, but we also, are likely to have to move. As it’s not that likely that a potential buyer will want to buy it tenanted and waiting around to see if this does or doesn’t happen, gives us less time to find a place, if that doesn’t happen.

I’m really disappointed, as I really like where we live, especially because it’s the perfect place for kids, safety wise and community wise. There’s a playground here, big field, others families with kids my children’s ages and a pool. And the rent is pretty cheap. And it’s a good suburb.

We were considering for like half a day, going to Australia, but Braiden has decided against that idea.

It just sux, as we have so much debt and are really behind on the Telstra bill and I worry if we move, they won’t reconnect us at a new house, due to out hugely overdue bill. ARGH! Hate money stress!

Maybe my intuition new this big thing was coming, as I’ve been feeling really flat lately and not so happy and couldn’t work out why really. And then I got the news of this house being put on the market and I knew, that was it.

Oh and the list of stuff they want us to do for the property inspection in just under a week. It’s shocking!

Here’s the list….

Outside

-Lawns to be mowed.
-Weeds to be removed from lawn and garden beds.
-Verandahs/Patio, Garage/Carport, Driveway and Paving to be swept.
-Weeds to be removed from paving.
-Cobwebs to be removed from eaves, carports and sheds.
-Where pets are kept on the property, all animal droppings to be removed.

Inside

-Carpets to be vacuumed.
-All hard floors to be washed.
-Bathroom floor, vanity, basin, bath and shower to be cleaned.
-Bathroom glass to be cleaned (shower screens, mirrors, etc.).
-Toilet (including the seat and pedestal) should be cleaned.
-Windows to be cleaned (both inside and out). Flyscreens to be brushed.
-Dust window runners, sills, tracks and skirting boards.
-Oven, shelves, grill, drip trays and hot plates to be cleaned. Oven surround and control panel also to be cleaned.
-Exhaust fan covers to be cleaned.
-All kitchen bench tops and cupboard doors to be cleaned.
-Kitchen and Laundry sinks to be cleaned.
-Light fittings to be dusted, with insect spots washed off if necessary.
-Ceiling fan blades to be cleaned (if applicable).
-Hand marks to be removed from walls, doors and around light switches.

And the really rude thing is, that the majority of these things were not even done, when we looked at this house and before we moved in. So I think they are going pretty overboard with the requests.

So not only do I have to keep a house, they want to sell, but we want to stay in, immaculate, but we have to piss off every time they have an open home. That mainly sux, as, we don’t have that many people to visit and that much we can do to occupy several hours, while they have open homes. We only have 1 option for people to visit and if they are out, who knows what we can do…

Yeah, so, this sux! I don’t want to move, but I can’t control this unfortunately.