Tag Archive: weight gain


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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Typical that when I decide I’m going to make a post, my iPad decides it’s on 10%.  So, I will try get a decent post in before the battery runs out.

It’s been a few months since I posted a decent blog post.  Not that there has been a lack of things to blog about.

I kind of feel like I don’t really know how the fully relax most of the time.  I feel like I need to always be doing something or working on something and I also feel,like there’s a lot I need to do that I’m not.  It’s like operating on some level of anxiety all the time.  I guess because financially there are a lot of up and downs.  

I always have at the back of my mind that debt I have mostly created and how I have been really irresponsible with regards to that debt and what’s worse is that it is under my partners name.  And he had never had any kind of debt and was apprehensive about getting things on credit. In case basically this situation happened.  And I reassured him that we would make regular payments and I’d keep on top of it.  And I for the most part haven’t.  And I feel like shit about that.  Examples being, when I have asked to use the credit card to purchase something to fix and resell for a profit, which would then go back on the card to cover the debt plus extra. Then I wouldn’t follow through and only some of the profit of resale would go back on.  Sometimes I would reinvest the profit to make more profit, but the majority of the time not all of the profit would go back on the card.

I am a true Borderline Personality with regards to financial matters and spending money I in theory don’t have, with out regard for the consequences.  And often I would try and ignore my feelings or guilt and failure by drinking.  Yeah not helpful I know.

I got really upset and stressed and depressed on Thursday night due to our overdue power bill, huge debt, feeling I have let my partner down big time, feeling like a failure, a fuck up, a burden, car on empty, no spare money, not selling anything as yet that I put time and money into getting operating and feeling like there’s no way out of this mess.  So I did my usual unhelpful behavior and took more then my normal dose of Quetiapine, so as to ignore reality for at least the next day and not deal with shit.  Not very helpful behavior either when someone ends up wanting my help with their laptop and compatibility testing the next day and I end up looking like I don’t not what the hell I’m doing due to be off my face and doped up on Quetiapine.  I would say I worried a few people on Friday, due to a very early FB post simply saying “Fuck Everything!” and then turning my phone off.  I just didn’t want to deal with anything at all.

I fair the potential of starting my business more extensively.  In case I just go fuck up the businesses finances in a big way, due to living outside my means and making a mess of the whole thing.  Also some of that fear most likely stems from lack of success in the past and never having found my ‘thing’, the one little something that I’m really good at.  I’m just used to just existing and barely living.  I’m not familiar with the concept of success.

Also, I do fear the unknown, like many and that is always a daunting thing.

I was thinking of creating a WordPress for my business.  As I feel it’s much more customizable then then Wix and I like being able to tag keywords.  I’d say that would definitely be a benefit to WordPress.  Plus, come on, WordPress is just AWESOME.

I have nearly finished the 22 week Small Business Course, which is a huge achievement.  As I’ve barely ever finished any course in the past.  It is definitely a worthwhile course and I am glad I decided to attend it.  I have learnt a lot about what considerations need to be taken when starting a new business.

2 of our girl rats had babies.  Eevee had 7 and Rosie had 9 ūüź≠ūüźĀūüźÄ

I really don’t feel like I can stop stressing until we’ve found money to pay the power bill and sold more things so we can put money on the credit card debt.  I hate how terrible I am with money.  It makes me feel so crap about myself.

Another thing that really got me down on Thursday night was the reality check via the mirror and the very real reality check via the scales.  I have been in denial about the reality of my weight gain.  Choosing to find ways to try and hide the extra weight, instead of acknowledging it and attempting to do something about it.  I am currently so overweight, that I am literally 6 kgs away from my heaviest ever, which by the way was when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest.  This is the heaviest I have been outside of pregnancy ever!  All the weight I lost after I had my son, I have gained back plus more.  I’m nearly 30 kgs away from my goal weight.  Honestly, I am disgusted with myself.  I am solely to blame for all this extra weight.

I think I should actually try get some sleep now.  As its 3:11am

Thanks for reading.  

Finally I have found some motivation to blog and put aside some time.

I am feeling a bit low today and a bit stressed. My WOF(warranty of fitness) has expired, went for a WOF and failed.  Car needs 2 tyres and I have no money.  Our other car has a WOF, but no registration or petrol. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to afford to get tyres. So I will be driving illegally until I can put registration and petrol in the other car.  And I have less than half a tank of petrol in my car.

I have a lot of wedding stuff on Trade Me, but not having any success selling even though I am not asking much for what I’m trying to sell.

I have been married for just over a month.  The wedding did go well and I managed to stay calm throughout the day.  And the cake was awesome.  I will add a photo of it.

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And here’s a photo of the Wedding Day.

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Again there is a CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review coming up. So I have that stress coming up.  They are again looking at possibility of sending my oldest daughter to Wellington.  So naturally that is making me feel quite worried and down.  But it is more about how my husband and her get on.  I really hope they allow us to at least go counselling with them both to help work through their issues together.  As if they allow that and then review again next year and it is still not working with them relating, then I can at least say we have try our very best and accept her living elsewhere.  But if they do not allow us to try that option and push to have her live elsewhere, I will find it really hard to accept.

It is really depressing still having this CYFS stuff dragging out.  It feels like we get so far and thing’s seem to be improving and then, bamn!  Here we go again.  It is so draining emotionallyand mentally and disheartening.

I am still also dealing with the loss of my close friend to suicide in March and  the grief that comes with that.  I often feel like it isn’t reality and think he is still alive, even though I know he is not.  I miss him so much and it really still hurts really badly.  A WAVES group, which is for people bereaved by the suicide of friend or family member, starts next week, which I will be going to. It is run by Primary Health Services I think it is called.  It runs for 6 weeks I think.  I found out about it through the SPINZ(suicide prevention nz) website.  So hopefully the group helps me process thing’s better.

I have been having a fair bit of anxiety at night and having some trouble falling asleep quite a lot.

I have been trying to encourage my oldest daughter to really consider choosing to stay living with us.   As she will be asked by the CYFS social worker where she would prefer.  I do feel being with her Mum and siblings is best for her long term and I strongly advocate for counselling between her and my husband.  I so hope we will get this result.  As I will be really distraught if I lose her.  I do know I have done my best as her Mum and that my parenting is good enough.  I want these battles to be over and my daughter with me long term.

This all has me feeling quite on edge emotionally and feeling fragile and worried.

My best friend is working nights, so I hardly ever see her which is hard.  As I really miss seeing her.

I am feeling pretty crap about my body.  I have not been eating healthy and I’ve been gaining weight.  I wish I could stop sabotaging my weight loss and I wish I would stop emotional eating.

I’m feeling quite anxious at the moment.

I’m sure these was more I wanted to blog about,  but can’t recall what.

Thankx for reading and following.

This week… Argh! ¬†This week has been stressful. ¬†Between unplanned and unbudgeted wedding expenses and my fiance’s moods, it has been hard.

The unplanned expenses which I had not budgeted for, therefore had no money set aside for was the first lot of stresses.  So I had to use food money to pay for 1 of those things and then apply for a food grant, which was approved, but minimal.  And the second expense I can hopefully cover with a refund I am getting.

Lately I have been finding my fiance quite moody. ¬†And I am having to remind him to not be so grumpy and negative towards my oldest daughter and to watch his language. ¬†He then goes and takes that as me not supporting him and me undermining him, which it totally isn’t and then he has a sulk.

I know I am a Mum and a parent, but I do not feel that therefore makes me qualified to mediate or try and counsel between my daughter and fiance.

Matter of the fact is, I feel like my fiance just responds to me challenging him regarding my oldest daughter, with excuses and that is not on.

I have fought really hard to keep her in my care and I know part of her unhappiness is due to their strained relationship.  I can totally sympathize with the fact that sometimes my daughter says she wishes it was just her and I.

Any decent man in their right mind should know that children come first ahead of all things.  Them included!

Today was exceptionally stressful. As it seemed my fiance woke up in a bad mood, due to staying up too late doing who knows what on the computer. ¬†And he starts having a bitch at me for heading down to the car and not brushing our daughters hair. ¬†I was like “what?!”, “if you wanted me to do that just ask, instead of bitching at me for not doing it”. ¬†I think it’s bullshit that I can given shit for something I was not asked to do. ¬†So he continued on being a moody shit for the next hour. ¬†I said to him that it is not fair to take it out on others due to being tired and grumpy, due to his choice to stay up so late.

Then later he starts bitching at me about the wedding and saying it is more like my wedding then our’s. ¬†Honestly, after this it was really doing my head in. ¬†I said to him it is hardly fair to whinge about the choices I made after the fact and reminded him I discussed ideas with him way before making finals decisions. ¬†So he did have plenty of opportunity to say, hey, I’m not so keen on that idea.

Then after school our youngest daughter was in a mood and kept whinging and he ends up only responding when my daughter does something and directs his bad mood at her.  Which of course I call him out on and he gets more moody and sulks.

By the time I was half way to the supermarket I was just so over everything.  It was all just stressing me out so much and I just wanted to run away and go slash my wrists.  Yeah, not a wise thing to do.  I am just finding stress really hard to deal with.

Tonight my fiance got in a mood again and was swearing and swearing at my daughter too.  Again, as you would expect, I told him that was not on.  And again he started to have a sulk.

It’s like enough already!!!

So yeah, the title of this blog is wishful thinking.  I am hoping this storm is going to pass and things will become calm.

I am not sure how well I will cope if things do not calm down.  I already want to run away.

I have been eating healthy this week, as I am sick of hating how my body looks and knowing it is my bad eating habits that is causing all this weight gain and unsightly fat.  I am sick of seeing my slim photos and longing to look like that again.  It is time to start working towards that goal and stop making excuses.

I did eat more pancakes for dinner tonight then was healthy. ¬†So I did do something that was not so healthy. ¬†I made myself throw up as much of it as I could. ¬†Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not healthy. ¬†Don’t worry I am not planning on making a habit of it.

So, our wedding is only 7 days away.  And this week had started out calm and I was feeling ok.  But lately I have been feeling quite stressed and honestly really quite low and depressed.

I hope the next 7 days go well.  I know the weather is not planning on being particularly kind for the next week.  But hey, what can ya do?.  Not much.

My fiance is being ‘realistic’ and mentioning all that could go wrong with the possibly muddy reserve. ¬†This realism is not helpful to me. ¬†I am trying to stay calm and just take things as they come.

My friend has been sick most of this week, so sadly I have not seen her yet this week.  I really enjoy hanging out with her. We can be real with each other and totally honest.  I really cherish our friendship.

I finally went to the cemetery and found my friend who committed suicides plot. ¬†It felt weird. ¬†I guess because he was cremated and also because I don’t know if his ashes are there are not. ¬†It is quite hard to connect with the reality still.

I am still on weekly pick up with my Quetiapine which is annoying.  But those are the consequences for misusing your medication and getting caught out.

I was supposed be doing some kind of journalling that the grief counselling suggested, but that hasn’t happened as yet. ¬†I can’t even remember where I put the piece of paper that explained it.

I’m pretty sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I am just so drained that I can’t remember.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

Yup, time to get real with how things have been with me lately.

I haven’t had a chance to blog lately, which I prefer to use my laptop for, due to my fiance always using it when I would like to. ¬†He’s always watching the same crap with it. ¬†Either via YouTube or on Twitch. ¬†So damn sick of hearing the same crap coming from my laptop for hours and pretty much every day! ¬†I finally get hold of my laptop tonight and it’s battery is completely drained and it would not turn on! ¬†Grr! ¬†That so angered me! ¬†I had to restart and about 6 times I think, before it decided to turn on. ¬†And I only bought it in April I think. ¬†Anyway, enough venting about that.

So, things have not been good with my mental health lately. ¬†In fact not last week but the week before they got very bad. ¬†I did something stupid which I am sure I have admitted to doing on here quite a few times in the past. ¬†I abused/over-used my medications. ¬†I intentionally took more of my medications then is probably safe or healthy. ¬†I believe on the first night I took 5 Venlafaxine(Effexor), 3 Zopiclone, 2 Lorazepam and I think 5-6 Quetiapine. ¬†So that is something like 425mgs of Venlafaxine(Effexor), 21mgs of Zopiclone, 2mgs Lorazepam and 500-600mgs of Quetiapine. ¬†I may have taken more then that, I can’t remember to be honest. ¬†I calculated how many I could take without killing myself. ¬†I simply did not want to deal with reality for a bit. ¬†Then the next night I took similar, but not as much. ¬†At some point my the following day my fiance worked out something was not right with me and after dropping the kids to school, took me to the medical centre, who called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital. ¬†The GP, my fiance, the paramedics and the hospital all probably thought it was a suicide attempt. ¬†I assured them it was not. ¬†Anyway, they hooked me up to all the relevant machines and took blood tests to see if my body had been effected in any negative ways by my overdose. ¬†Lucky everything came back fine. ¬†I stayed in overnight for observation.

Eventually the Mental Health Crisis Team came and saw me. ¬†I found the lady to be really icy in her approach to me. ¬†She even went as far as saying she did not think I was suffering depression. ¬†Yeah…cause people do that shit because they are not depressed….Fuck off! ¬†It is beyond me where the hell such a stupidly inaccurate diagnosis comes from!

And guess what?… I have not been followed up since! ¬†OMG!

One thing that really hurt me was something my younger sister said to me after visiting me in hospital.  She said that I seemed to look quite pleased with myself when she saw me.  And even my mother agreed with that!  I had to remind them that I was high as a kite on the medications I had taken.  Man it hurts when you family have you completely wrong and say things like that.

During these school holidays we went up to Wellington for 6 days.  Which was quite an expensive trip.  I thought it might help my mental health to get away.  It did not unfortunately.  I honestly am still having trouble coping.

My anxiety is still quite a big problem and it does on many occasions stop me from doing regular things. ¬†Like going to the supermarket. ¬†Some days the idea of going anywhere freaks me out, so I stay at home. ¬†Yet some days I don’t mind. ¬†I am still definitely feeling depressed the majority of the time. ¬†I hate my moods and emotions sometimes. ¬†They are all over the place. ¬†My patience sux, my tolerance to small things sux, I do not cope with stress, I can not cope very well with my 5 year olds behaviour, which is quite testing lately.

Sometimes I have a really strong urge to cut myself. ¬†Thankfully I have only given in to that urge once, which was the same night I first took too many med’s.

So many things keep reminding me of my friend who committed suicide.  But that is probably quite normal I am guessing.

My bank account balance is playing on my mind.  I have actually been totally avoiding checking it.  I am freaking out about how fast it is going down.  I am stressing because I still have to pay for the reception, I have to keep money aside for the photographer, for suit hire, for the marriage license, for dress alterations and probably some other things.  It is really wearing me down the fact I had to organize pretty much everything for this wedding and then I have to pay for everything. It is really stressful when no-one else is chipping in.  I do not need stress!

I should be looking forward to it.  Instead I am stressing, as September is approaching rather fast.

I was aiming to get to my goal weight or near it.  Instead I have been slacking on my diet yet again and my weight is going up.  Argh!

Yes.  I probably am too hard on myself.

Motivation…what’s that?…. It is something I am lacking big time!

Deep down, I know my wedding day will be great, no matter what happens and it will be quite a relief once we are married.

So much for a stress free wedding!  Is there such a thing?  Maybe.

Like I get that the timing is probably part of it.  I have had a lot happen this year.  But I did not think putting it off would make things any better.

I may whinge about my fiance, but who doesn’t whinge and vent about their partner? ¬†He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect. Relationships are just like this. ¬†No matter how much we love one another, there is always something that each of us does that annoys the hell out of the other person and vice versa. ¬†Reality is, he is pretty awesome for putting up with all this that has been thrown at him in the last few years and it takes a real man to stick around and support you and love you no matter what. ¬†So yeah, I am really proud of him and even in awe of him for all this.

Whinging and moaning aside, I do truly love him and I know he feels the same.  I am lucky, even if I fail to acknowledge it at times.

Oops…it’s nearly 1:30am! ¬†Better try get some sleep. ¬†Good Night. ¬†Thankx for reading.

Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that. ¬†Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount. ¬†But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot. ¬†I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him. ¬†There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet. ¬†I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much. ¬†And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose. ¬†I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there. ¬†I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks. ¬†At least I am happy with my hair at present. ¬†Though I prefer it when it’s straightened. ¬†At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook. ¬†That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil. ¬†He’s my friend that committed suicide. ¬†Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well. ¬†And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health. ¬†So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it. ¬†Which is very important to me. ¬†Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her. ¬†As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome. ¬†So I got her one of these necklace’s:¬†http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368. ¬†I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it. ¬†I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it. ¬†Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance. ¬†I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay. ¬†He always replies with don’t be silly. ¬†I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately. ¬†He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time. ¬†Sometimes I feel so angered by it! ¬†Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt. ¬†But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids. ¬†It’s not cool though. ¬†It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported. ¬†I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot. ¬†But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep. ¬†Thanks for reading. ¬†Night.

The FGC(family group conference) is only 4 days away. And sadly my friend who was coming as my support person can no longer come, as his partner is in hospital. So someone I know in Wellington is going to come instead. So I hope that goes well.

I was planning to stay with my best friend in Wellington, but I have not heard back from her about that. So I have decided to just stay at a backpackers in the CBD. Which should be fine. As I can just walk to the CYFS(child, youth and family) office for the FGC. Plus I think I can benefit from some time away from everyone, just being and having no place to be and nothing to do. Clearly this time with no internet has effected me positively. I remember last year when I was in Wellington staying at the backpackers before I headed down to Nelson for a few days and I just felt anxious and on edge all the time. Remembering that shows me just how far I have come.

Yes, today I am in a good place. But the past week has not been so lovely. On Friday I was a mess and feeling really depressed, worried and panicked about the FGC review and the possible outcome. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I felt so broken. I have been having moments of shear panic when I have looked at the calendar and how close the FGC is. It is a daunting task, the fact I have to bring my argument as to why being with me is in my oldest daughters best interests and doing it without my original support person. I hope it goes ok. I really do not want to think about worse case scenario. As I feel that will only upset me, freak me out and cause me a huge amount of anxiety and panic.

I have rejoined the world of Facebook. I got bored while I was at the library on Friday afternoon, so I reactivated my account. I feel I have it under control and I do not feel I am obsessed with it anymore. But I do miss Pinterest.

I spent some time with my other best friend of about 22 years on Saturday. Which was both good for her and I. She is likely moving to the same suburb as me, which will be great.

I had the Nelson CYFS social worker visit this morning. She is really happy with how things are going with us.

The Emotional Regulation work is going well and I have been consistently keeping my DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) up to date.

I am feeling strong currently. Which is the polar opposite to how I was feeling on Friday.

On Friday afternoon I just had to leave the house. As I was such a mess and I was feeling easily annoyed and I just needed some time alone to let my emotions out.

Seems letting them out is not as bad as I thought. It almost seems to have benefited me.

I think sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I am supposed to use the DBT skills and I feel like I am not supposed to let such intense emotions out, but instead manage them. But maybe I have that wrong and I am allowed to let emotions out. Especially if letting them out is not going to lead to negative actions as a result.

I am hoping my headspace stays where it is currently. I do worry a little that the closer it gets to Friday, the more anxious, worried and panicked I may get. But hopefully I am wrong. It is very frustrating that I still do not know the time of the FGC and I also do not know the flight details yet. It just helps my anxiety knowing these details.

Thinking about the time I spent with my Nelson BFF. It is really very sad how her family are treating her. She lost her husband in the worst possible way and instantly became a widow and a solo Mum. You would think her family would be kind and supportive and offer to look after her 2 boys on occasion. And instead of judging her new partner for how he looks, they should be happy for her. As having tattoos and piercings does not change your character. He is the nicest partner she has ever had! And I know that, as we have been friends since 1992. And he is great with her kids. But her family is a very wealthy family and they kind of seem to be control freaks. So pretty much, they see her as the black sheep. Due to her not living according to their ideals. I feel they are being quite selfish and they seem more concerned with their families reputation and how her behaviour may reflect on them. Family is not meant to be like this! They are meant to accept you, faults and all and support you and want ultimately for you to be happy and treated well. I pointed out these things to her about her family and she was like, “wow. I can’t believe I didn’t see that myself”. Her brother accused her 4 year old of teaching their son to hit. And I know wholeheartedly that is not true. As I have known her sons all their lives and they are lovely and kind. And I have met this nephew of hers and I could tell by being around him twice, he is the naughty one.

I got some books out from the library. Some crafty ones, so I can make fun things with my 4 year old. And 1 about Personality. Apparently I am highly neurotic, according to this book.

The crossword, word find magazine is quite fun.

I now actually like having way more free time.

I got another wake up call regarding my weight again. I tell you, my tummy is so round and fat, I look like 7 months pregnant and the size of my tummy is bigger then my boobs! Plus everything was getting tighter and the weight had gone up much more. I really do not like seeing my body in such a disgusting state. So, despite liking chocolate and other sugar filled treats. For my health and body, I have had to say NO MORE! I self sabotage my diet way too often and I have got to stop making excuses and slacking. I mean I know how to fix the chocolate cravings in a healthy way and I know how to eat healthy. So I need to put it into practise. My weight had crept up to 73kgs! But with only 1 day of being totally healthy, it has dropped to 71.8kgs. So that is very encouraging. A lot of my unhealthy food choices usually come down to laziness, convenience and boredom. Simply, I am sick of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my eating habits and my body and it is so depressing as well.

My operation date for my tubal ligation has been changed from Wednesday 19th November to 10th December. Which is good, as the original date was only 2 days before the FGC review.

I have my next appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow, to work on the Emotional Regulation module some more.

Man, I had the strangest and most vivid dream on Sunday morning. It felt totally real. I had for some unknown reason gone for a walk halfway into Nelson, in my pjs, with 2 of my pillows and my sons Pooh Bear and someone pulled over by the Caltex and kept saying “Kelly, are you sleepwalking?” And I was thinking, how does this person know me? And then a few people said something to me and I replied to one if them, “no I’m not on drugs, I’m just half asleep still because of my sleep medication”, there were lots of people walking past and looking at me strangely. So I turned around and walked back home. And was part way home before I woke up. But damn! It felt so real!

I should probably go to bed now I think. But the kitty is on my knee, so partly don’t want to move.

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So, today has been a mix of a day.

Tonight, about an hour ago, I decided to deactivate my Facebook profile.  As I feel I can be quite preoccupied by it and I would say I am a tad obsessed/addicted to it.  And when you are feeling a sense of anxiety about keeping up with all the newsfeeds and get annoyed when the page feed crashes, it is becoming a problem.

Also tonight, I stood on the scales. ¬†And let’s just say, the number was a wake up call. ¬†I have in all honesty, been eating a lot of junk food and just not caring about the consequences. ¬†Though in the back of my mind, I did have this nagging thought about the fact there will be consequences. ¬†I mean just looking at the size of my stomach should have been a big wake up call. But I just tried not to pay attention. ¬†As paying attention meant acknowledging the problem, therefore prompting me to make changes. ¬†I knew the scales would possibly not be so kind. ¬†But I did not expect my weight gain to be as much as it was. ¬†So I really need to stop making excuses and start eating healthy again. ¬†You see the problem is this. ¬†I know I can lose weight and I know I can lose all that I have gained. ¬†But, that fact is part of my excuse. ¬†As I have this attitude that I can lose the weight if I am strict with myself and persist with it. ¬†So I just put off taking the appropriate action. It is actual quite arrogant of me. ¬†And if I am to be brutally honest, the size of my stomach is nearly overtaking the size of my boobs. ¬†Granted I do have small boobs, but still.

I had my first appointment with my Psychologist today and I actually got a lot out of it. ¬†Which I did not expect. ¬†She gave me a handout on worrying which was quite helpful. ¬†And she has given me some printouts for keeping a DBT(dialectical behaviour therapy) mood diary. ¬†So I have to fill that out each day. ¬†These 6 sessions I have been given will be working on the DBT technique called ‘Emotional Regulation’.

I do not know what was going on with me earlier today, but I found myself feeling quite shaky and possibly anxious.

Oh and guess what?!  The FGC(family group conference) review that was meant to be definitely booked for Friday 31st October, is not now.  In fact it had been changed to Friday 7th November without me being in any way informed.  But it turns out that date does not suit my oldest daughters carers.  So it is now this date next month.  So Friday 21st November. I only found this all out for sure this afternoon.  As since the Wellington CYFS(child, youth and family) social worker had not been very forthcoming with contact or replying to my emails, I made a point of emailing the FGC coordinator.  They had not even thought about the issue of how I would get there.  As clearly we do not have the income to fund the flights there and back.  So now I have talked with the coordinator, I know what is going on for sure now.  So I know the date, time and location.  Initially I was not too impressed about the change of date.  As I knew from my email yesterday from the FGC coordinator, that they were looking at Friday 7th November, but that did not suit my oldest daughters carers.  But I was initially annoyed about other things too.  Such as not knowing the time or location or anything about travel arrangements. Now that I have been completely informed about all this, I am quite happy with the changes.  You see, when the previous FGC coordinator handed over to the current one, she gave the new one the same date for a whole bunch of FGC reviews. Which seems pretty unfair on the new FGC coordinator.  I actually know they new FGC coordinator.  She used to be our CYFS social worker back when my 2nd daughter was a baby.  I really like her and have a lot of respect for her.

My good friend got some good news yesterday.  He has been given a new Psychologist and by the sounds of their first meeting, she is exactly the right therapist for him.  So I am really happy and relieved to hear that.  As having the right therapist does a great deal for recovery.

Hmm. ¬†I do not think having a coffee this evening was particularly helpful for the preparation for bedtime. ¬†As I am feeling still quite alert and it is nearly 11pm. ¬†So I really need to stop having coffee’s in the evening I feel. ¬†I need to find some way to wind down.

Anyway, that is all for tonight.  Thanks for reading.

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

What’s been happening lately. Hmm, well I got the Jadelle out last week, so am now contraception free and hopefully that will improve several areas of my life. Such as, weight, moods, monthly cycle and my skin. That nearly didn’t happen though. Which would’ve kind of pushed me over the edge a tad. What annoyed me was, I decided to make an appointment at my doctor, so I didn’t have to wait 2-3 weeks for an appointment at FPA. So I was willing to accept the higher price by going to my doctor. As I was desperate to get it out. So when they rang me the day of my appointment and cancelled my appointment, I was about to just lose it. As I was just so over letdowns and I just could not handle another. I just pretty much said to the nurse, I’m so over being let down and disappointed and explained how I’d just recently been dealing with the muck up over the operation that wasn’t in fact happening and that if I wanted to wait another 2-3 weeks, I’d have gone to FPA and saved $30, but I was desperate to get the Jadelle out and explained all the side effects and eventually she had some compassion and found an emergency appointment for me. But while I was on hold, I will admit I was having a little cry. As at that point, my appointment was still cancelled with no hope of a sooner one.

I was just kind of very over so much in general. As my tooth had been causing me agony more regularly last week and then another tooth broke. Plus my iron was too low, due to having my monthly twice in 2 weeks, not to mention 2 bouts of PMS. So I was really, really over shit. Admittedly I did quite desperately want to self-harm at least twice, but thankfully I didn’t. Which I am proud of. As feeling so low and desperate is a place I do not like to be in.

Went to an Anxiety and other Mental Illnesses meet up last weekend. That was really good. I made a point of organizing it myself, as I’d not found one to go to for months and I was desperate to be around more like-minded people. So it was nice chatting away with everyone there and connecting.

Of late, I have really been making a point of speaking my mind about things. But in a totally positive way.

It’s school holidays at the moment. And if anyone follows my blog, they will know I don’t really enjoy this period. As I can usually cope the first week, but by the 2nd week, I’m kind of losing the plot. Though I do my best to make sure I get out and socialize or at least have people over to visit. As if I don’t, I’d kind of lose it I think. It’s harder these days to keep cool, as my toddler is very, very testing now, more so then usual. And that’s not a fun stage. And my older girl tends to get bored and ask for food continually. When will she work out the damn difference between boredom and hunger?! Grr! At least I have something to do some of the the mornings this week. Though not fun things really. Yesterday I had to go to dentist and get a quote. So that’ll be $755 I have to go ask Winz for. Today I have an appointment with my Psychologist, the last of my 6 free sessions. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Winz to apply for help with dentist bill. Here’s hoping my toddler behaves and that the appointment is as fast as possible. As it’s never a fun process going to Winz with her. As she just won’t stay put. And on Thursday there in the Annual October Buggy Walk, which should be fun. Hopefully someone will go with me. As it’s kind of lame by yourself. On Saturday I have a 1 year old birthday to go to. So it’s just a matter of filling in the afternoons.

I actually like not having too much structure in my weeks. As it leaves me free to have a life. As I find some people have expectations that, because I have a toddler, I should be going to all these things… but these things, they all cost money. Plus, I like to avoid anywhere that has potential cliques. As I hate them with a vengeance and as a Mum, you see a lot of cliques. Don’t have time for that crap. I find it highly immature and what’s so laughable about it, is the age of these cliquey Mums. Let’s just say, they are old enough to know better. Usually in the 20’s or mid-30’s or even 40’s. It’s like, shit, we’re back in high school! That’s why it’s laughable. As I’m 33 and I will never be in a clique or be in the slightest bit cliquey. I am proud to say I’m a quality person like that and I am proud that I would never stoop to that. But I guess, I never have, even in high school. I was the type to be hassled by the cliquey types. Why can’t we all just get along?! In an ideal world we world. Status, income, popularity and all that other crap wouldn’t matter. But oh well, there are clearly some screwed up people out there, who weren’t taught to treat others as they wish to be treated. Who build themselves up by tearing others down. Who see differences as a negative, instead of something to embrace. Oh I feel so sorry for those sad individuals. How fun it must be to be them…not! I am very proud, that despite what shit I may have been through in my life, I still have remained relatively the same, morals wise and ideals wise.

On a totally different subject. Damn my cats kittens are cute!

Do you ever just feel really bored with your life? Like it’s the same shit different day? I must admit I do a lot. Especially on the weekends and in the evening. Find myself at a loss as to what to do. Everything just gets so boring. I’ll just be sitting there going, what to do, what to do. Part of the problem might be my fianc√©. He seems to not get that maybe I am a bit over looking after the kids all week and that eventually that wears you down and you need to get out of the house. He’s too busy thinking poor me about being left home with the kids and how he works so hard and deserves a break. Yeah sure, he works hard and deserves a break. But so do I! It’s like, what I do, doesn’t seem significant to him and it’s like my duty as the Mum is SO easy. I often stay around home just to keep him from having a sulk. And yeah, sometimes when I leave the house, I don’t come back for hours. Which often isn’t my intention, to be out for that long, but sometimes time flys. And it sux to be out somewhere, not being able to relax properly, cause you know he’s sulking. It’s not my fault he has no social life! It’s not my responsibility! If you want to have a social life, you need to put yourself in positions to meet new people. That’s what I did. I had to. If I didn’t I’d have lost the plot long ago and be much worse off mental health wise. I had to make new friends and put in the effort to maintain my friendships for my sanity. And recently, it became evident how little he thinks I do. He was having a whinge at me for cleaning up a little in the morning, instead of helping out with Annabelle(our toddler) and was going on about how I never help in the morning and I was like, what?! I helped the day before. And then he’s going on about, well how do I know you do anything for her during the day? I was like, are you serious?! Clearly I do, she is feed, nappy changed, happy. And he’s like, well how do I know if you don’t tell me? I’m like, well you don’t come home to a starving child with a nappy that’s never been changed now do you?! I was like seriously, you really don’t get how much I do! And the day before, he was telling me I was being a bad Mum to my older daughter because I couldn’t go make her dinner. Which was because I had major stomach pain and was tired as hell and he was like, stop lying to get out of things. I friggen wasn’t! I think it was him just being a jerk because I was upset he’d not made her some dinner before or after her school production, as I didn’t have time. So he turned it on me instead. Those couple of things is why I went a bit downhill mood wise last week. And over the weekend he was driving me to near insanity with his moaning and whinging and bitching while doing his online gaming. So wanted to go turn the power off! He just doesn’t get how annoying it is to listen to that crap for hours!

I rang the Mental Health Crisis Line last week, due to how desperate and in despair I had been feeling and had a good chat and they told me to ask my doctor to call them and arrange with a Psychiatrist there to have a phone consult and find some options for me anti-depressant wise. But I have heard nothing from my doctor, so don’t know if that has been actioned yet. I kind of get over asking for something to happen, time after time and still not getting any results. I have mentioned this 2 other times since to other doctors to try hurry it up. But it seems to just keep getting forgotten. Shit! Shouldn’t my mental health be important! I thought it should be high on the to do list.

Have lost a little bit of weight since getting the Jadelle out. About 1.4 kgs I think. Have been behaving on with my diet. And when I say diet, I’m not on a diet. It just means the way in which I am eating. As in, healthy diet and not eating crap.

I guess I’d better go, as I have my appointment in 35 minutes.