Tag Archive: PND


I recently came across this link on the PND(postnatal depression) facebook group I am on. And upon reading it, was amazed it how it so perfectly describes a lot of the feeling I experience. And I was also surprised to read, it is more common then PND, yet less recognized. And it effects you on a whole different level I feel, from PND.

Here is the link: http://www.parents.com/parenting/moms/healthy-mom/the-other-postpartum-problem-anxiety/

It has such a huge effect on so many parts of your life. I was shocked that I only just heard about this now and that the condition hasn’t had much press at all. As it clearly needs to be out there and women and others need to be made aware of it I feel. Then those of us who suffer from it can get the appropriate help and support we need.

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Distraction

So far, the one technique I can find for at least some of the day, to keep myself from being overwhelmed by my over-active brain and it’s ability to get me into panic mode, is distraction.

In the last few days I’ve been doing jigsaws online or on my tablet. As it keeps me distracted while I’m focusing on it and it’s free and not messy, like an actual jigsaw.

So pretty much, I try and keep myself distracted by something, to keep my boredom and thoughts in check. As, if I’m reading, watching tv, a movie, doing a puzzle or doing housework, then I can just focus on that. Though at night, I hate the time before I fall asleep, as that’s when I have no distractions and my thoughts can start driving my nuts. I love sleep, as that is the one place I can go to get a total break from my illness and thoughts.

When I’m not distracted enough, I go between, feeling ok, to wanting to run, to feeling like a failure, feelings of guilt, panic and anxiety.

I feel like shit about the fact my fiancé had to resign so he could take over the role of looking after our baby. I stress about how things will be financially due to this. I worry about whether we will be able to afford food, petrol and be able to keep bills paid. I feel like my fiancé and baby deserve better then me and like they’d be better off if I left. I feel like I’ve screwed up my finance’s life. And feel like, things would be better for everyone if I left and just had my 2 girls with me. I just feel like, it’s such a big ask, being in a relationship with me, when I am really unwell mentally and that my family deserve better.

I get distressed when my fiancé is feeling frustrated by our baby.

I tried to interact with my baby on the weekend. I managed about 1/2 an hour maybe before he got whingy and I felt distressed. So I had to walk away and let my fiancé take care of him.

I look forward to any chance to leave the house, even if that means taking my toddler out with me. But that is only when I don’t have my baby with me. I can kind of handle going out, if it’s all of us. As I know my fiancé is there to take care of our baby. But I get very anxious and panicked if the baby starts to whinge or gets unsettled.

I’m trying to be soft on myself and just accept these feelings aren’t what I am expected to feel as a Mum to a young baby and this is my reality and this is how I am feeling at present. It’s so hard not to judge myself and beat myself up about these feelings.

It’s so hard the range of emotions I feel in each day. As my emotions are so all over the place and it sucks!

It’s good at least knowing, every fortnight I can go to the casual PND group and talk and vent.

People often thank me for my honesty and being so open about my not so pleasant experiences and feelings. And compliment me on reaching out and asking for help. Which is a positive. But it’s so hard going through what I have gone through and go through much of the time. But I figure, why pretend all is ok, when it really is not?… As, if I am authentic and real about all this, then others who experience similar will feel some relief, knowing they are not alone with regards to such thoughts and so on. And maybe that might give them the strength to reach out as well. And even if they can’t manage that, they can at least know they are not abnormal and they are not alone.

Just one last thing before I finish this post. I am finding the song ‘The Monster’ by Eminem ft Rihanna, quite good and I kind of relate to some of the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDXXi19_7iE

Thanks for reading. That’s all for today.

So it’s been a while since I wrote in here last.

Well a few weeks back I kind of lost the plot. I was sleep deprived and it came to 1pm, after being awake since just after 3am and I could no longer cope. It started with tears streaming down my face and turned into feeling really angry and enraged. Provoked by baby refusing to stay asleep, as he was really tired and my toddler just doing little things that made me angry. I started acting strange and was trying to pull my hair out, which thankfully I didn’t succeed at and then smacking myself on the forehead with my palm, over and over. I then text my fiancé and asked him to come home. And while waiting for him to get home I got a phone call from a paediatrician and she could tell I was upset so she asked me what was up, so I told her and she urged me to call the Mental Health Crisis line asap. Which I did. And as a result another cyfs referral was made, due to me clearly not coping and I had a visit from some people from Community Mental Health the next day and they called me later and asked me if some home help 9-5 during the week would help and I said yes. So the started on Friday a few weeks ago. Not sure if I mentioned before, but I also have home help from a different agency for 2 hrs, 3 days a week. Though that wasn’t enough for me, as I was really not coping at home with my baby and toddler. So I’ve have a support worker here last week and this week. Different person last week from this week. But really lovely women both of them.

Antidepressant still hasn’t taken effect and it’s been upped 3 times. At the last review where I saw Psychiatrist, I voiced that I felt this one isn’t working, so they just upped it and said they’d review in a few weeks. Which isn’t til next Wednesday. I’d rather them take me off this one and put me back on Venlafaxine(effexor), as that has worked in the past. And I am so over feeling like this.

Don’t much like my case manager, he’s all about strategies and not really listening to my wants and needs I feel. He wants to ease off with the home help and I expressed to him that I’m not ready for that and that makes me feel anxious about next week. But he’s not backing down.

Had a bit of a panic attack on the way to pick up my fiancé, as he wanted to go to the mall. Went to the mall, felt anxious, but I survived.

Had a meeting with cyfs last week and they agreed I need more support at home. Got a bit emotional after answering all their questions and was crying by the end of meeting.

Talking to support worker yesterday, she suggested maybe I could do a job like that one day. As who better to understand and support, then those who have been through it.

Just read this, thought I’d share the link.

http://www.postpartumprogress.com/6-surprising-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-and-anxiety

Made a bad decision based on being overwhelmed.

You see, I was trying to get baby to sleep and my toddler kept demanding a bottle. So I got her one. Then later she was demanding food and I explained I would get her food once baby was asleep. So she kept on and on and had a tantrum and kept screaming. Anyway, I ended up having to put him down, she was screaming outside my door, which had woken him up, just after I’d got him down. I did lots of yelling all through out this time. Went out my door, kicked the shit out of several doors around me and the safety gate, luckily breaking nothing. Got her some food and went upstairs to re-settle baby. I was pretty upset by this point, so I took 2 lorazepam, and still I was distraught, so I took 2 more and 2 of my antidepressants.

See, I was just over feeling depressed and I wanted to feel happy and calm. That was my reason. Though I must admit earlier I felt like I wanted to sit in the corner and slash my wrists, but really I knew I wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, my GP called to check in on me and see how meds were going, as my antidepressant has been increased to 1 tablet, instead of 1/2 a tablet and asked how I was, so I told her about taking those tablets and why I had done that.

So, I’m sitting upstairs relaxing for once, yes, maybe feeling a bit drowsy and chilled and next thing I hear loud knocking on my front door(which is downstairs) and again, so I went downstairs and I see an ambulance officer at the door and one in the yard and an ambulance and one ambulance officer climbing towards my roof(I assume that’s in case I didn’t answer the door) I opened the door and they were like, you need to come with us, your GP called us and told us you’ve taken a few tablets. And I was like yes, but I wasn’t trying to overdose, I was just wanting to feel happy and calm.

So I had to get my fiance home to look after the kids.

They considered it a small overdose and took me to A & E and did obs on me and then sent me to short stay to wait for CATT team to come assess me.

So, oops! I wasn’t even trying to do anything stupid and ended up being sent to hospital and oh, how mean, they didn’t give my antidepressants back!

Note to self…don’t self medicate!

As a result of my misuse of meds, they have now limited it to me having to pick up my daily dose of Lorazepam and Phenagan from the pharmacy. And if I don’t get to the pharmacy at all, I don’t get that day’s meds, as in even if I come the next day, I only get the meds for that day, not any day I can’t get to pharmacy.

While I understand why they have done this, it causes me more stress. As some day I just want to stay home and also, it’s using up more petrol.

And I thought, ok, that sucks, but I understand the reasons.

And in other news, yesterday I was having a really bad day, where I was crying a lot and had tears streaming down my face a lot. As baby was being difficult and only had 1 sleep during the day and I was just feeling down in general, before having this issue.

Then things got worse. I was informed lady from Open Home Foundation has emailed CYFS(Child Youth & Family Service). As I had said I smacked my youngest daughter’s butt. And when I say smack, it was more like a tap on her butt, not an actual smack. But here’s where it gets bad, my case manager from CMH(Community Mental Health) has told a straight out lie and said to her(Open Home Foundation lady) that I said I wanted to shut my toddler in the cupboard. So that and the smack on the butt apparently is why CYFS have been contacted. I found this out because she called my fiance and told him last night and when he told me what she said, I was in shock and became quite distraught. As I don’t consider smacking my toddler 2 times in 3 1/2 years child abuse. Plus the smack, was more like a tap. I understand due to the changes in the law, even an innocent smack/tap has to be reported by people in these agencies, as the 1 other time I had smacked her, which was twice on the leg, I had told the Psychiatrist at CMH and they put in a referral to CYFS, but they told me they had done that and that is why Open Home Foundation became involved, to help us as a family get more support. But I am like WTF, about the lie my case manager told. And my fiance was shocked too, not about the innocent tap on the butt, as I admitted to that and had obviously mentioned it to Open Home Foundation lady. But about the cupboard, as he knows I would never do such a thing or even think of it. I don’t know why such a lie would be told. And yeah, based on what Open Home Foundation lady was told, even though it’s not true, I understand why she would be making a referral. Fact is, it is not true at all.

Why would someone tell such a lie? And such a damaging and concerning lie.

You see, if you ever admit to smacking your child, even if it’s not abuse and you tell a government funded agency, like CMH(Community Mental Health), MMH(Maternal Mental Health) or Open Home Foundation worker, say like a case manager, counsellor, support worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. They are obligated to report it to CYFS.

So yeah, things have been pretty challenging for me this week.

Today was going ok mostly. Apart from my 3 1/2 yr old being difficult and cheeky this afternoon. Which made me grumpy, but that’s understandable. But for some reason tonight, just due to the baby not having his usual 4-5 hrs sleep and waking just as I started to relax and have some time for me. I just became overwhelmed and felt desperate and had a cry. Which is where it should have stopped. But instead, I gave into the desire to self-harm again.

I had wanted to self-harm a day after the last episode, but the only reason I didn’t, was because someone was coming over within a matter of minutes that day, so I didn’t have time to action the desire.

My case manager from Community Mental Health asked me, when I admitted to him I had self-harmed, why I had done so. Like, was it to distract from how I was feeling, was it to numb my emotional pain? To which I said “I really don’t know. But it isn’t for either of those reasons”. I said “I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to cut myself and see the blood”. I had no good reason. I’d just felt desperate. And really, I should have just given the Lorazepam time to calm me instead.

My fiancé is still unaware of my recent few times of self-harm. I worry how he would react if he knew. So I dare not tell him. I don’t want him to worry.

Feeling sad right now. Guess I’ll just have a cry and try to sleep.

Here is my poor wrist/arm. Really it’s not too bad. It’s controlled, so there’s never a risk of needing medical attention. Not that it’s any more ok though. 😥

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When you’re not ok

This is a post I came across on another website. So to clarify, it’s not my post.

But it is a great description of PND and very honest. So I felt it worth sharing.

http://www.essentialmums.co.nz/mums-life/health/9157689/When-you-re-not-ok

Back home again

So, it seems like, with the public health system and their treatment of me, they tell me one thing, though they have already decided on another. That being, they told me I was going home for the weekend and they told me that on Thursday and then they inform me on Friday, the day I am due to go home for the weekend, that, no, actually they are discharging me and the doctor tells me, that time I have spent there at the ward and in respite, is as much as they are offering me and that I need to get home for Dylan’s (my newborn) sake and that is most important. So pretty much, right, we’ve done what we can, now off you go home and deal with reality, as we won’t be taking you back.

I have found it really frustrating the lack of information and say I have had in anything. It seems like, they make a decision about me and tell me this is what’s happening. Without consulting me or giving me any say in it. Such as, the other day when they asked how I felt about respite and then told me that’s where I was going. No asking if I want to go, as I said I didn’t feel ready, but they said well that’s what’s happening. And then regarding my antidepressants, the one’s they were aware made me really ill. They upped the dose from 1/2 a tablet to 2 tablets. So they tripled my dose without taking me into consideration and the effect that would have on me.

Also, they sent me home on Friday and then I find out, they have told my fiance to go back to work on Wednesday. Which left me feeling panicked and in tears before I left. As I’m not ready to do it all on my own yet. And I was left under the impression previously, he would not be going back to work for another week.

I felt my needs and my mental health and transition back into everyday life is being rushed and I don’t need that stress.

Since being back at home, I am still having sleep issues. Like I spend most of the time in bed awake, hoping to fall asleep and maybe averaging 1-2 hrs sleep a night, if even that. I have experienced waking to my body shaking in a state of panic, due to being tired and unable to properly sleep. But at least I still have my appetite. It’s just the lack of sleep is not good for my mental health. And I have had to use the Lorazepam at least twice to get myself out of panic mode and get some rest. And apparently the pills they gave me for insomnia are supposed to allow me 6-8 hrs sleep. Well they don’t even get me 2 hrs sleep. It’s so frustrating!

Breastfeeding has it’s ups and downs. I went from expressing small amounts at first, while I was at the ward and respite, to a good 100mls, sometimes more. And then I was unable to see my baby for 2 days and my milk supply went down to 10mls. Apparently the body can get confused without regular contact with your baby and it will try dry up the milk supply due to this. So I have had 1 day at home where I breastfed for 2 hrs straight and then another 3 hrs straight and after that I was exhausted and in tears. Though my supply is getting a little better now. I keep having issues where I would go, right, I’m giving up and I’ll just formula feed and then every time the next day would arrive, I’d go back on that decision. I know my sleep issue is not helping with things.

It’s true, sleep deprivation is torture!

I went into the ward today and said Hi, to my friends in there. It was nice to see them and introduce them to my baby, those who hadn’t seen him.

Yesterday didn’t start so well. The baby woke at around 5am and took 5 hrs to get back to sleep, despite my best efforts and my fiances. I ended up giving up and crying and having a lorazepam and having a nap. And I’ll admit in my desperation and panic, I did have a slight desire to self harm, but thankfully I took my chill pills instead. And I get anxious when I can’t find anything to do. It’s like I feel like I have to constantly be doing something. But I keep telling myself to take it easy and that it’s ok to relax. I’m definitely suffering from hyper arousal. Which would be part of the sleep issue. I wish I could sleep properly!

My friend visited yesterday and she seemed really sad to hear what I have been going through. She even had tears in her eyes. I must admit, I do find it hard talking about the feelings I experienced that got me to that bad place last week and that I continued to experience for most of the past 9 days.

Today went ok I feel. Yes, I got baby back to sleep this morning, but only by laying him on my chest, but that meant I couldn’t fall asleep and then I put him in his bassinet and he woke a few minutes later. So I just let my fiance deal with him, as I needed some sleep. So I took 1 1/2 Lorazepam and had a nap. As I so needed to keep calm and have some rest. We did a few things, like went to an appointment, I visited friends in the ward, then we came home for a few hours and had a lady from home help come over and then we went to the baby shop and got some things we needed and came home and that went fine. Which is good. No panic stations going on for me, so that’s a positive. I am hoping it will go as well when I do it alone, once my fiance is back at work.

Well that is all for today. I am feeling tired

So, like I mentioned in the previous entry, I had a review coming up. And I must admit I was very panicked and anxious about that. I found it very overwhelming with all the people in the room, talking about my situation and formulating some kind of plan. I just wanted to curl up on my seat and cry. Though by the end of it, I felt a bit more calm.

I don’t think it helped that my antidepressant had made me quite sick that day and therefore I was feeling in general unwell and on edge.

I told the doctor in the review that the current antidepressant just doesn’t suit. So I have been put back on Mirtazapine at a lower dose and that one helps me sleep thankfully and doesn’t make me sick.

I am supposed to be going home for the weekend to see how that goes. I was finding the thought of that daunting and feeling quite panicked this morning, so I had to ask for a Lorazepam to calm my panic.

It’s just scary when you have been away from home and that whole routine for just over a week and remembering how things went before I ended up in here. Oh, thought I should mention, I am back at the ward, while they try this antidepressant on me again. The Mirtazapine.

The confidence you lose in yourself doesn’t help at all. So I am hoping I can give it a try and it will go fine and that my mind can begin to understand that I am capable.

I guess I will update again after the weekend or maybe during the weekend.

I did feel as a result of that review and a conversation I had with my older girls granddad, that there was pressure from him to sort myself out asap, which I felt was unfair and putting unnecessary pressure on me.

Though she will be fine. She is going to respite care and staying with a really lovely lady who has been involved with her at her school. Whom I personally love as a person and totally trust and I know it will be a positive experience for her. So that’s good.

Hopefully I won’t need another Lorazepam before I go home tomorrow. Though I might ask for one. It just helps ease my panic.

Something positive that has come out of being here, is meeting a few women, who I consider friends on some level. Who I would love to keep in touch with outside of here. 1 whom I knew already from outside of here and another in the same situation with the panic and anxiety and stress over the whole new baby thing. So it’s really refreshing having some people to chat to in here.

That is all for now. Thanks for reading 🙂

New baby & other things

So, I actually managed to get some much needed sleep. My lovely fiancé was really great and looked after bubs downstairs for 5 hrs while I slept. Much to my surprise I actually did manage to sleep that whole time, which was such a relief. I feel more content today. Which is nice. As, compared to the previous 5 days, where as you’ll know, I was feeling so low. I think blogging helped, as did talking to my midwife about my feelings. Clearly I needed some way to vent about what I have been going through.

I think though, if I find I am suffering of PND(postnatal depression) long term, that I will make a point of contacting PND Wellington, about attending a PND support group.

I talked to someone at Maternal Mental Health about whether I can access them, but they seem to want to avoid handing me over to them, due to me being under Community Mental Health. Which is frustrating. As like I told them, I do not find my support person there very supportive or compassionate and she just is not the right person for me. They said they would have to chat to her though, my support person, which is fine, but I told them I no longer want contact from her. Kind of not happy about the whole thing.

Just wanted to say, regarding my bubs, I do love him so very much, despite what I have been feeling. Which is why I felt so distraught. As I think he’s such a darling little boy. So feeling all those negative emotions messed with my head a lot. And I felt such a sense of guilt, feeling that way. I do fear feeling that low again. As my emotions seem to go all over the place lately. But getting a good 5 hrs uninterrupted sleep has helped for sure. I actually spent a few hours this morning just having him sleep on me, while I just relaxed on the couch. It was really nice. And I felt such a sense of love and pride in him.

Boy, I so did not expect this mix of emotions post pregnancy. I expected to feel positive and relieved and happy. So those bad feelings of the past 5 days took me by surprise. Though, a traumatic labour did not help, that’s for sure.

I’ve added a picture below of my little family.

Right, I think that was all I wanted to post about. Thanks for reading 🙂

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