Category: Blogging


So clearly I haven’t blogged for quite some time. I am still having the same roadblocks that tend to stop me from blogging. Those being, too anxious to let myself stop and take the time to blog, as I do tend to have many things to blog about, so lack of content would not be the issue. The whole lack of motivation in general. I used to not let my depression deter me from blogging, as this was always a great outlet for me. But now, thinking about it, I did blog more when I was with my ex, because I was way less happy and so unsatisfied in that relationship. Not to mention, I felt like I was heard, but not listened to and the communication was lacking big time. So I guess what has changed is that I now have a partner who hears me, who listens to me, who communicates with me. Though sometimes I feel like a bit of a relationship retard (forgive the use of that word) and like I have spent so long in the past in unhealthy relationships, that I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship or what that is meant to look like. But in saying that, I do know somewhat what makes for a healthy relationship.

I’m sure I probably mentioned in previous posts that we have pet rats. Well since I last mentioned them, all the previous lot we have, died of old age. The last dying in November I think. So that was a very tough time, as you really get attached to the little creatures and their quirky individual personalities and damn, the loss hurts like hell! So for a few months we had no pet rats. And I’m sure some people will find this weird, maybe even disturbing, but some people will understand… that sometimes I would get their little box out of the freezer (you see when they would pass away I would make them a box to be cremated in, which I would put some blankets in and wrap them nicely and I would also decorate the outside of the box and until I could get them cremated, I would put them in the freezer) and I would just give them a little pat. Like, I know they are gone and passed, but it bought me some comfort to pat their soft fur. Also, I didn’t get them cremated until I had some new pet rats. As I had a hard enough time dealing with not having the pitter patter of teeny lil rat feet around anymore and these cute lil animals in my life.

I found it SO hard being alone when my partner was at work or course, without any rattos around. They were my little buddies. They are also highly intelligent creatures too. So they definitely knew how loved they were. And one, sad, but beautiful thing they often do, is seek out their owner when the are close to death. So I knew with the last remaining one, Lily, she was probably not far from passing, when she basically didn’t move from my backpack all day, not even for food. I might at some point do a post with pictures of all my past ratties. Because I couldn’t live without them for long, I did purchase to young boy rats, brothers just before Xmas. And when they arrived, I was like “yay! Real live ratties!” (instead of frozen dead ones in the freezer) and I was so excited to meet them and start to see their personalities and quirks. Which didn’t happen very fast unfortunately, as the breeder failed to mention the fact they had not been handled at all! This explaining why in the photos of them on Trade Me, had a hand with a huge bite mark on it! But we have been persevering with them patiently and the shy one who was very bitey, now at least allows pats and is a little bit curious, his name is Shadow. And his brother, who was always a bit more curious and confident, his name is Dusty, is very friendly and playful. It’s hilarious! He is such a fun lil ratto!

Here’s some pictures of them

Shadow is the dark brown beauty and Dusty is the very light coloured one. They are quite different from our previous rats in colouring also. Love them so much. But I must confess, Dusty is my fav-rat at the moment. In time Shadow will sit equally in my heart too, he is just a sensitive and jumpy lil anxious boy at the moment, so it will take time. They are definitely helping me in my times alone, as at least I have a cute distraction. I found myself very depressed for weeks after the last of the previous rats died.

In other news, my health has kind of sucked for like I don’t even know how long! And more so I feel in the last month. Generally being a lot of nausea, generally feeling like shit and unmotivated and just zapping all potential joy from me. Then, on top of that, about 2 weeks ago one of my molars started giving me grief and that made me even more miserable. I was in tears when I got my partner to take me to the pharmacy for some pain relief and was having a major panic attack before going in. I got some panadiene, which helped initially, but then the pain went up a few levels, as in a 9.5 out of 10 on the pain scale. So then I had to go to A & E and thankfully they gave me some Tramadol, which most definitely helped. Also they referred me to the emergency dentist, which thankfully by then the pain was more manageable, but with them doing their assessment and poking around my teeth, reactivated that pain again. Gladly it has eased again and my appointment is tomorrow morning, nice and early and I’ll be honest, I’m not looking forward to the nice and early part lol! So they will be extracting that pesky tooth. I had been having sleep issues big time on Monday and Tuesday night, no idea why. But man lack of good sleep does a hell of a lot of damage to the mental state too! I think just so many combining factors are just exacerbating each other and making life just shit. I was saying just yesterday, this is not living. There is no joy in my life and it sucks to feel like that. I did see a dietician today and basically I know a fair amount of which foods are an issue, but also, I need to know how I can eat as I need to on a budget. As I’ve always found eating as I should to be very expensive. So over the last few months I’ve been dealing with increased nausea at one point being every morning and night. Foods just feeling like the enemy. Tooth sensitivity, limiting even more food wise and it made me just feel so hopeless and lost as to what the hell to eat and anxious about eating, in case it triggered more nausea.

I am trying to educate myself of foods and learn why certain foods are bad and why I am reacting to them. I have watched a few good documentaries on Prime Video. I’ll find the links. https://whatswithwheat.com That is free to watch if you have Prime Video and also this one: https://www.fmtv.com/watch/food-as-medicine Both free to watch if you have Prime Video. They seem to have the science and research behind them to the degree I feel they are accurate. They definitely explain a lot and make.

I think I will try find some time to blog again tomorrow if I can, as I’m aware it’s nearly midnight and I have to get up at 7:30am. Which yeah, isn’t that early, but for me it is LOL!

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

So desperately need to blog!

I haven’t blogged for a while.  So hopefully I can find the energy this week.  As I have a lot to blog about, but just have been lacking motivation.

Watch this space.  Hopefully there will be some blogging action very soon

My reasons for blogging

Well, it pretty much started with blogging about my experience of PND(postnatal depression)

Then onto my experience with Depression.

Then, I found it a good outlet for what goes on in my life and how depression manifests for me, effects me and felt this was all worth sharing.

As, I figured, sometimes we feel alone, unsupported, lost, judged, misunderstood and many other things. And sometimes we feel like we are the only one experiencing all this.

Yet we are not.

If not just to reassure others, that they are not alone. Also to encourage others to share their feelings, seek support and reach out.

To hopefully inspire.

To show, that, even though there are downs, there are ups too and that things can and will improve.

Also, it’s a good place at times for me to vent.

It’s nice to have an outlet.

It is SO good to know we are not alone in our struggles.

I am honest. I am emotional. I am sensitive. I am confident. I am self assured. I am supportive. I am unique. I am flawed. I am imperfect.

Also, I can find it very insightful and helpful to look back and reflect and try and pinpoint any triggers or strategies. In hopes to avoid downward spirals or at least, if I can not avoid them, get myself out of them sooner.

Now, on another important subject. Support.

I felt at times it was lacking, when I tried to access it. But I have kept trying to find others who are willing to be a support to me and hopefully I can return the favor and through persistence and perseverance, I have managed to find some more such people.

Thank you to those of you who are such great supports to me. You are invaluable and I appreciate you immensely.

I have come to realize, increasingly, these things can all get you misunderstood, can be misread and the intention or message can be meant one way and be taken completely a different way.

Written word, via text, blog, email, posts can all be taken the wrong way.

I try so hard to make sure I say things in a way that is understood for what it is.

But it seems, some can take a post, text, email, just written word in general to mean something, that it wasn’t.

They can feel, something you have written about yourself and your feelings, was aimed at them or as a result of their actions, when it never was.

Just due to the timing of things.

Maybe I shouldn’t hide my downward spirals for so long and this might hopefully be avoided.

I find, talking in person or on the phone, is a lot more of a reliable method of communication, where it is less likely things can be taken the wrong way. Though, things still can be taken the wrong way on occasion.

Because, people don’t know what you are thinking when you write an email, post or text and don’t always see it for what it is.

I am learning increasingly, that people don’t get me, like I thought they did and that, I may think they understand what I am communicating and then realize they have not and they’ve taken it the wrong way.

Though, in saying that, some people do get me and what I’m saying. So don’t feel disheartened.

It’s hard when you live in your own world and have your own understanding and view of the world. Have your own perspective and you forget, no matter how hard you try and explain some things, they will never be seen your way and from your perspective by all. As others have a different perspective, different experience of the world and different understanding of things.

You think, I say it, they get it. Yeah, nah, apparently not always.

Misunderstandings. Never fun!

Not everyone misunderstands you or I, but some will. How to get around this, I have no idea.

Seems I have offended people at a few points and come to realize this later. Seems I have made some people feel to blame for things, which they weren’t, due to the timing of things.

We do need to try and remember, we are responsible for our own feelings and our response to things.

Though it is easy to blame others.

I know I am responsible for my reaction to things and my own feelings. That is all on me.

Sometimes, all this happens. You get misunderstood over and over again and feel like, fuck it, just fuck it! I give up. Why bother?!

Why bother? Cause it’s not ALWAYS like this. But sometimes it is. But that is unfortunately life. No matter how much that sux.

Today I have been an emotional mess. But that is because it’s the 32nd Anniversary of my Dad’s death. So I can be forgiven for crying most of the day.

Anything and everything is setting me off. So annoying! But these feeling are there and need to be felt, not ignored.

Feelings, emotions, they are all there for a reason. All serve a purpose. So I feel, they shouldn’t be ignored and you shouldn’t try and distract yourself from them. As, you’ll likely suffer for longer then you need to.

Just it can be damn frustrating when you can’t work out the source or reason behind them. But eventually you do. It’s like you get this sudden clarity. Or as Dr Phil likes to say an ‘a-ha’ moment.

I know it drives me mad when I am feel a certain way and I can’t put my finger on the cause. I feel like I must know and when I don’t, I get annoyed.

As I figure, once I know the cause or trigger I can work through it or overcome it.

I am so hoping I don’t go through another extremely long(in my opinion) period of depression like this again. Though, that is always a possibility with depression.

Like 6 weeks. I was like, are you kidding me?! It usually last 2-3 weeks. Though it has lasted about this long at least 1 other time this year.

That’s all I think. Might go eat some breakfast.