9th November 2021

Could not think of a title, so today’s date will do

And now I’ve put the time aside to blog, I don’t know what to write about. Which is so frustrating. As when I want to blog and I’ve got a fair amount I want to post about, I’m usually too tired or I just feel like I don’t have enough time to really explore everything

I should probably start by turning off the TV, as it’s a tad distracting

And I’m still sitting and thinking, what to write about, probably like an hour later

Oh well, if I get too tired while trying to write a post I can always come back to it tomorrow

Ok, yeah so I’ve got some stuff to write about now

Last week I was having a lot of emotions. As my other rat Dusty passed away exactly a week ago and that was really hard. As I had got quite used to having him snuggle with me. I knew he was heading towards passing away gradually over the past few weeks, so I had been having him sleep with me a lot of the time and just snuggle with me. The day he passed away I knew he was going to likely pass soon, but still nothing ever prepares you for when it happens. I was glad I was awake and there for his final moments, even though it’s so hard when you know your little buddy is taking his last breathes

Definitely the hardest part was handing him over to the lady to have him cremated. I arrived there and had several minutes where I just sat in the car crying and not really wanting to part with him. I cried a lot just driving over from home to take him there. I just really didn’t want to part with him and to say goodbye. Just wanted him with me forever. Just writing about it is making me cry a lot

Then I was also feeling stressed and stuck last week because I’m not working at the moment and that’s a hard place for me to be in. As then I often get into freak out mode and I’m like what do I want to do going forward, will I be good at it, will I fail, what if I’m no good at it, what if I’ve just fooled myself into thinking I can do and what if I really can’t. Then there’s the fear of financial uncertainty

Then I end up getting all stressed about where I stand with my ex partner and if he actually wants a relationship with me and I read too much into things and have a stress out and get all anxious and then I bombard him with I dunno how many text messages because I’m feeling uncertain and anxious. Then he wonders where the hell that randomly came from. So then I find myself trying to do damage control on my emotional outburst and somehow explain where my head is at and how I got to where my mind was at. While still very much being stuck in my emotional brain and not thinking very rationally and trying to calmly talk to him. Argh! Emotions! Seriously they hijack me hard out sometimes. Whether I am or am not ADHD, I certainly know I have trouble with my executive function for sure. Like sometimes I’m curious as to what I might function like if I were to take someones ADHD medication. I wonder if that would bring me relief from this mess inside my mind sometimes. Though I am certainly not saying it’s a wise idea to take others medication or medication that’s not prescribed to you. I guess it’s more of an experiment I’m curious about. Though also, I am quite anti medication when it comes to myself. As my experience with being on Venlafaxine in the past for I think about 7 years, it ended up making me wonder how safe medication is for me. I certainly feel like that medication started off helping me and ended up hindering me and very much messing with my life, my personality, my growth and my ability to heal. Though granted not having medication to calm the storm of my emotions and have a taper on the intensity has not always been easy either. Sure, it has shown me that I am more capable then I realised and it has shown I am quite resilient and strong, but it has been quite a difficult journey at times. Also though, when I think about how unmotivated that medication made me and how I just wasn’t present, I don’t miss it

Emotions aye?! They are sneaky little buggers sometimes. I feel like sometimes they just sneak up on you and bam! You’re just in this sea of emotions, feeling a bit like you’re drowning in them. Like sometimes they just get so overwhelming you just can’t see the end of them and you get a bit scared and worry they will just stay and that’s scary. But thankfully, they are like the sea and waves and they do crash and ease and become still and calm

I just hate how much of a fool I can make of myself when I’m stuck in them. Like I just don’t think rationally and I overthink and overreact and get overwhelmed and I just can’t think clearly. But when someone from the outside is like “what’s going on here?”, I’m kind of distracted by that and forced to actually try engage my rational brain again and work out, what is going on here and why. And usually, eventually I work it out and can attempt to explain it

Like I know for sure drinking too much on Friday night did not help! It was more the next day the consequences show up. I just felt ill all of Saturday and just couldn’t eat a thing and just had no energy and I was just useless all day. And drinking so much is toxic to your body and your brain, as it drains all the nutrients and just leaves you in a bad place physically and mentally. Definitely the hangover and the loss and stress of that week contributed to my emotional outburst

Sometimes I feel many pressures, some from myself, some from family and it all just gets too much for me and it just explodes out of me with these emotional outbursts

I guess I keep a lot in. As I’m not sure who I should talk to about some things. As family sometimes isn’t the best option, as I feel sometimes some of my family can gaslight and that they aren’t particularly encouraging and the fucked up thing is, I don’t know if they can even see that they aren’t showing love, care and support. As they are used to that looking a certain way to them and they don’t seem to realise they are being pretty harsh and unsupportive

There are certainly times where I need a break from some of my family and their toxicity. And the fucked up thing is they don’t even realise they are being toxic

I feel sometimes family can certainly unknowingly gaslight you and act in a toxic way because they are unhappy in their own life and it’s almost as if, when there are things out of their control in their own life, they try to compensate by controlling your life and messing with your life. And some of the nastiness I feel is intentional on some level. Like, oh things might be looking up for you, how about I just knock you down a few steps and give you a reality check and make you second guess yourself and others. I dunno, maybe I’m wrong and they don’t know that’s what they are doing. I know either way, when I try pull certain family members up on their behaviour I get a response like “why are you so grumpy?”, “why are you in a mood today?” or some comment that is dismissive. I have had a particular family member say some pretty fucking petty stuff about someone I care about recently and I told them that kind of behaviour is not on and there’s no need for it at all. Seriously, some adults act like fucking children sometimes! Out of respect for my family I won’t say some things that I’d like to on here, as I think some things should just remain private. But yeah, one particular family member has been really getting to me a lot this year, especially lately

Back to my wonderful ex. He’s gives some pretty good advice aye. He has a good perspective on things and I like that often some of the things I struggle with, he also has had similar struggles, not in a bad way I mean, just in that he can offer reassurance and guidance because he gets it. Like things I may be worrying about, he will say, yup I know that feeling too and I know how scary that is and why it scares you, so here’s my advice. I like that he gets me and he has a good understanding of some of my struggles, as they are some of his struggles too. He’s very supportive and I really appreciate that a lot. As I do lack that support from my family to be honest. I feel from my family I get more criticism then support. It’s nice to have someone who can just be supportive and positive and who can offer encouragement. It definitely helps, especially when you have been feeling worn down by others being the opposite

I’m really proud of him and how far he’s come this last year. He’s achieved a lot and grown a lot and he’s proven a lot to himself about his capabilities. I always believed in him, so it’s great to see him believing in himself too and seeing him fulfil his potential and be winning in life. Honestly, so proud of him

I’m going to be honest here. I don’t know if he might read this in the future or not, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure he would be flattered, not mad lol

It’s quite hard when I’m hanging out with him and I have to just behave and keep my hands to myself and I’m not meaning that in a sexual way either, in case anyones dirty minds went there. It’s more just wanting to hold his hands or snuggle with him or kiss him. It’s like, argh! I want to do those things, but I can’t. I need to respect his boundaries and wait til he says it’s ok. And yes of course I do also think about him sexually and want to make advances that way. But I find respecting the boundaries with sex easier, as that can all wait and I understand that probably causes confusion and amps up the emotions and that kind of thing is not fair to add to the mix at this point. But the cuddles, I really miss the cuddling, the snuggling, the holding hands, the kissing. Just the cute little intimate stuff

I’m really proud of me also. I know I have grown a lot in the last year and I have achieved so much and I’ve gained so many new skills and proved many people wrong about me and I’ve done a lot of growing up. The person I am now, I love her and I was sad that I lost her for many years. Like I always knew my heart was pure and kind and life just put me through some shit and I got a bit lost and jaded and guarded. I have always known my heart and my deep down good nature. That’s why I would always feel so crushed and hurt when people would think ill of me. It was like the worst kind of rejection. As it was a rejection based on their perception of you and it was a very wrong perception. I just could never really understand why people would think I was something other then a nice, decent, kind person. But I can only guess, some of my actions along the way may have portrayed me in a negative light. Or maybe it was as simple as, they just didn’t know the real me. And for many of years of my life, I think others rejection of me ended up rubbing off on me and I rejected myself for some time and I thought ill of myself also and I thought maybe they were right and I at times hated myself and thought myself evil and bad. Though I know who I am now and I think I always have deep down and I know that person is pretty awesome

But do you ever feel like, when you are ok with you and you love you, that maybe you’re a bit egotistical?… Like, yeah, I’m so awesome! Like if it’s conceded? I think though, if you are thinking all those things, then you probably aren’t egotistical or conceded. As if you were, you wouldn’t question it

And just to throw a spanner in the works, because I got briefly distracted by an email about a Reddit post about the protests at parliament

Where do I stand on all that?

Well I am fully vaccinated. But for me, that was actually more about desperation to get back to work when the whole country went into lockdown in August, I think it was August at least. As I found lockdown was really messing with my mental health and as I worked for a company that was deemed an essential service and I was a temp at the time, I figured during level 3 at least, they would tend to give the temps work that were vaccinated. So for me, that was the only reason really. As previous to the lockdown, even if I were eligible, I didn’t really care either way about vaccination. So it was purely related to ensuring I could still work for me

But I certainly have my own opinions about all this media and push towards vaccinations and all the restrictions. To me, as a christian, it feels very reminiscent of end of times videos and prophecies and Revelations type stories. It’s kind of scary

I do feel like it is very much a dictatorship and very communist

To me it feels like, play by these rules or we will take away your freedoms

So I definitely understand why people choose not to get vaccinated and why they may protest to stand up for their freedoms

Fact is, none of the people I know have had covid or delta, so none of us realistically know if it’s bad or how bad it might be. We only know what the media has told us and certainly in the U.S there has been a lot of grossly exaggerated results and even deaths, that weren’t even covid. There’s certainly a lot of misinformation out there and a fair amount of fabrication and lying. This much I do know

Like, fuck, they tell us to get these vaccinations and they only later tell us that they don’t protect you from contracting or passing on Delta. It only lessens it’s effect on you. So it certainly doesn’t get rid of the virus at all. And of those unvaccinated, yes it will effect them worse, but are they actually going to die from it if they don’t having underlying health conditions?

Then you find out that a lot of the people who died of Covid-19, what they were using to treat patients actually ended up causing them to die sooner. The ventilators were actually making things worse

There’s still certainly many unanswered questions and unknown’s

So, yeah, I understand why the vaccinations, but also it scares me how much control this government has and I definitely understand why people want to fight back, ask more questions and challenge it

Ok, well I didn’t plan to get onto that subject, but yeah, there you go. That’s my stance and observation on that

I think I’ll go to sleep now

One more thing. Just a quick note to anyone reading. Remember, things can always get better, no matter how hard life is and what it’s thrown at you. You can always re-write your story and have a good life

Enough

Being ‘Enough‘ is such food for thought and such a huge thing for me, that I have been dealing with for so much of my life.

Out of fear of never being ‘enough’ I have most definitely leaned towards the default coping mechanism in the past of good old self sabotage. That whole trying to protect yourself out of a deep fear of rejection and fear of the unknown. Self sabotage is such a bitch. But we learn it usually from a young age and it’s due to someone significant in our life leaving or dying or letting us down in a big way. It teaches us, this let down by someone significant, that things can go wrong unexpectedly and people can let us down, so we better use this strategy to protect ourselves from such disappointments in the future.

Self sabotage is a coping mechanism I hate, but have honestly employed a lot in my life. The whole, something is bound to go wrong, things always go wrong, I don’t trust this process to go smoothly, things can’t be good, stay good, things ultimately always go wrong and if they aren’t, no, I can’t trust that, therefore I better use my default coping mechanism and protect myself before everything falls apart. You just learn this coping mechanism and it becomes so ingrained in you, that often you don’t even realise you are unconsciously doing it.

So yeah, this whole being ‘enough’, it’s been a thing in my life for so long I couldn’t even tell you when it became an issue for me. I’d say some of it comes from ex partners parents, who for some reason would think I’m ‘trouble’, the ‘bad guy’ and I don’t understand this. As I know deep down I’m a beautiful, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, empathetic and genuinely nice person. So I have always struggled with this lack of acceptance from ex partners parents. My mind just can’t understand why they would think so badly of me. Like, as if I didn’t have enough issues with low self esteem and confidence and self worth as it was! So that is definitely one root cause I have identified. Also it may have come from my parenting by my mother and being told to stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself and being asked “what’s wrong with you?”…. That question in and of itself is so bloody unhelpful for an emotional, sensitive and depressed teenager. Because then you do start to ask yourself that question and that really fucks with your confidence and self worth. As clearly if someone important asks you “what’s wrong with you?”, clearly there’s something wrong with you.

I’ve self sabotaged 2 key relationships because of this fear of not being ‘enough’. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. Like, better drop them before they hurt you or better give them every reason to leave or else they will see the real you and reject you and leave.

And for some reason, I thought the real me was someone evil, terrible, unlovable and unacceptable. I thought the real me was not ok.

No, how very wrong I was. The real me was just very broken, very wounded, deeply longing for so many things I lacked. Desperate to be loved and accepted for all that I am. The real me was never a bad person, just a very scared child 😥

I definitely fucked up my last relationship because of thinking I wasn’t ‘enough’. And that was definitely not my partners fault. If I had the foresight that I do now, I would have realised I was definitely ‘enough’. He gave me no reason to think I wasn’t enough. It was always my issue, thinking I wasn’t enough. He was who I never knew I was looking for and who I always needed. He met me at the worst time of my life and he stayed. Which is huge. As I gave him so many reasons to leave, not intentionally though. Stupid self sabotage! I gave him many reasons to reject me, but he didn’t. I just couldn’t accept I was enough, that I was who he wanted long term. I do think words said by parents on both sides honestly had something to do with this self doubt and thinking I wasn’t good enough and that things would come to an end. Hearing about the conversations his parents would have with him and them bringing up my age, that I have kids already, that I was married, my BPD, the fact I have my tubes tied so no grandkids for them. And the odd persons opinions that it wouldn’t last, that he might get bored with me. Family definitely had a part in creating a lot of insecurity and building fear and planting seeds in my mind that naturally would have me second guessing myself and questioning my confidence in my relationship. I can take a lot on as my fault and my doing, but those above mentioned definitely did not help and they certainly fed into my fear of not being enough. I always had such a huge fear that he would change his mind and I would be left heartbroken. It’s so very true that what we fear most, we create.

I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for him, my ex. He has a heart that is just so big and beautiful and full of love and he’s been dragged through hell and back with his relationships, even, I’m willing to admit with me as well as previous partners. I am thankful I still have him in my life. I do love him a lot and respect him a lot. He’s a great guy and I hate how people he cares about have put him through hell and taken advantage of his kind nature.

So, you feel like you aren’t ‘enough’? Take it from me, you are, always were and always will be. Yeah, you are human, therefore you are flawed, remember this, acknowledge this and work with this. Just keep improving and growing. We should always be growing, even into old age. Change, is the scariest thing to do, but so worth it. Mate, if I can change and I thought I was fucked, then anyone can! I thought I was destined to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life and look, here I am, 6 months later and I’m still standing, still trying, still surviving. I’m not going to lie, it has been hard, it’s been scary, it’s been challenging and it has been the fight of my life and for my life, but I’ve done it and I keep doing it.

I’m definitely proud of my progress so far. I have improved my life in many ways. Mental health is better, yes, I still do suffer from depression and anxiety at times, it is what it is. My general health is better.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully everything I wrote makes sense.

It’s been a while

I’ve been through a lot since my relationship ended last year in November. Ups and downs. Some bad decisions, but I feel more good decisions have been made then bad.

Out of loneliness and desperation for social contact, I did hang around with some less then desirable people and made bad choices. Took drugs that I regret ever trying. I don’t feel I ever got to a point of being reliant or addicted, as I feel it was more being around the drug and people who had a dependency on it and simply partaking out of boredom and just being around those people. I never really cared for it and can happily live without it and those people and the stresses that their lives involved. I was mostly using it as a distraction from my unhappy feelings. It was most definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. Trying to runaway from my reality, instead of facing it head on and making the changes I needed to, to make my life better. Certainly I do not think people who take such a drug are bad people, but they tend to be, from my observation, very stuck, hurting people, who generally have traumas and issues that they haven’t resolved and rather then actually doing the right thing for themselves and working through their traumas and issues, they choose to numb it and block it out with drugs. This, as we all know, never fixes anything. This is always a temporary solution and never serves to improve their lives and then due to their addiction, they do end up make bad choices and becoming pretty shitty in how they behave and treat others, out of desperation to feed their addiction. It’s really bloody sad. I am quite empathetic and I see their pain, but I don’t accept their excuses. I can empathize with how their trauma is a constant struggle to live with, but still, you are the author of your life and only you can rewrite your story and that there is power. A power that I wish these people would embrace.

All you can do is say, “hey, I see you. I see your pain. I see how much it hurts, I see how hard you struggle. But you can do better and be better and you have these skillsets and you can make something of your life and you know that”. No-one will ever change until they are ready. All you can do is let them know someone believes in them, that they are important and people do care and leave it at that. You can’t hang around to see if they make these changes, as due to their addiction, they will sadly use you, manipulate you and play on your sympathies to feed their addiction.

That’s as much time as I’m willing to devote to that subject. I’m done with that drug and those people and my life is better for it.

I was so sick of living a life of regret and shame. I hated hurting people I love when I was weak. I hated that I lied and only thought about myself at times, in the context of making selfish choices that did not serve my growth and I couldn’t be the best me.

I am SO lucky for the few great people I have in my life. I keep my circle small for a reason. Only people who want the best for me I allow to stay in my life. I am thankful to my Mum for being there and loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. For supporting me and advocating for me when I was depressed and suicidal last year and the mental health sector didn’t offer me any help. I am so thankful she kept pushing until someone would hear me and offer me the support I desperately needed. I am thankful for my friend Lindsay, even though he didn’t always know what to say, what he had to say was supportive and caring and just even if all he could do was listen, that was huge to me. I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sophie telling me some hard truths and pulling me up on being kind of shit Mum during the Xmas holidays and not being there for her. She was blunt, but I love that she was and I needed her to tell me straight how that effected her. It really helped me. Yeah, no doubt it was very hard to hear. As it hurt and I hurt her and failed her when I couldn’t be present. As I was not coping after my break up and I just couldn’t be present and be the parent she needed. I am thankful to my ex, who is still my friend and I think he will always be my best friend, despite everything. Because we have been each others best friend for 5 years and we are used to sharing our lives, triumphs and struggles with each other. And I Love him no doubt. It hurts me so much when I know he is hurting because of me. He’s been my biggest supporter in life and been with me through so much. The best and the worst and he still stayed loyal and by my side, loving me through it all. But I wasn’t always the team player and partner he needed and I was detrimental to his mental health at times, due to my unresolved issues. So I respect he needed to leave and put that time and distance between us, to look after himself and ultimately it forced me to look after myself and find myself and start to heal my life. I do want a life with him and I hope in the future we can have that. We do both care for each other deeply and love each other. But because of my last slip up with drugs on my birthday, his guard is up and his trust towards me is shaken. So that will take time to rebuild. But I appreciate that he texts with me every day and we chat on the phone several times a week. He is irreplaceable. No one has captured my heart like him. No-one gets me like he does and he’s just a beautiful soul, so kindhearted and a real man. He softened my hardened heart.

I’ve had to sever contact with his parents, as they don’t agree I should be in his life in any capacity. I do understand based on the past me, that they have their reservations. But people can and do change. But I can’t allow myself to care so much what they think and about their approval, as the last interaction I had with his father, left me feeling enraged, hopeless and suicidal and rather then allow his father to throw anything more at me that had such a negative response by me, I did what was best for me and cut off contact. If you have followed my blog and read many of my previous posts about myself, you may recall I have quite an issue with seeking approval of parents, especially fathers. I think fathers, because I lost my own father at an early age, so I tend to crave that acceptance more.

I am a lot stronger then I realized. That I am still standing and persevering despite such a long struggle with depression is awesome. The end of last year was so hard for me. Living by myself has been very hard and yeah, there was a period of bad decisions because of loneliness. My brief time on Tinder, I thought it was about sex, but when I really looked at myself, it was loneliness and not respecting myself and not loving myself and not caring about myself. It was so much deeper, that behaviour, then what it seemed. Truth, once I got over my self destructive tendencies, I realized I don’t even care about sex, unless it’s in a relationship and with someone I love. It doesn’t feel good, it lacks substance and depth. I feel some females can tend to keep sex very separate from feelings at times. This is evidenced in how females can tend to move on sexually or otherwise quite fast. We can be a bit ruthless to be honest. Men, despite many misconceptions have more depth and emotional connections related to sex. Interesting, because there’s always been this perception that women are the more emotional sex. Hmm, don’t fully agree. It’s just more socially acceptable for us to have and show emotions. I feel the opposite is true. I feel men are the more emotional sex. But it is less accepted as appropriate for them to show emotion by society. Yes, there is more acceptance of this, but still we have a long way to go. I feel women really are given way too much leeway and they get away with so much that they shouldn’t. We are taught from a young age in fact, to be less then honest and how to manipulate and in fact how to use our sexuality to get our way in certain situations. Whereas men are taught to be honest, loyal, truthful and to make their family proud. They are taught to be hardworking, nurturing, protective and they have a huge weight of expectations on them by society and family. I accept I’m a female and it is what it is, but I am not proud of what little is honestly expected of us. I mean come on, really?! Why do we get bought up with such questionable values?! Why didn’t we get bought up to be honest, loyal, truthful, hardworking and protective?…. Like in this world of equality, this is fucked! Granted, there are likely some women who may have been bought up in a less morally questionable way, but I’m not one of them and every female I have known so far, accept maybe one, was bought up much the same as me. And just let me say, I think men do deserve to get paid more with regards to certain careers. This isn’t about sexism though, it’s about certain tasks they can better perform then women and I’m not saying there aren’t possibly women who could do some of those tasks, it’s possible, but this is why the higher pay is justified.

On to another subject. Stoicism and Philosophy. Both bloody awesome subjects! I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on Stoics, Stoicism and Philosophers and Philosophy and it’s very insightful and relevant and can definitely be used to better our lives. Markus Aurelius, Socrates, Seneca, Epictetus. I have come to discover a lot of modern Psychology has a lot of basis and inspiration from Philosophy and Stoicism, especially CBT.

So, what else have I been upto lately. Well, self improvement, studying for my Class 2 license and Forklift License. Trying to get a full time job. Eating well and looking after my mind, body and soul. Living a life I can be proud of. I can’t remember if I have mentioned my annoying diet restrictions. Annoyingly I am Gluten Intolerant, Lactose Intolerant and Egg Intolerant. Makes eating healthy on a small budget so damn difficult! You go to the supermarket and have to really look and not be impulsive. That not being impulsive with foods has been a hard one to work with. As I love sweet, bad things, but my body WILL punish me if I eat bad foods 😦

I’m feeling a lot happier these days and have more energy and motivation. Dropping the antidepressants seems to have helped with that. Though I do still have dreams that are intense and sometimes emotionally charged or distressing. But I’ve come to accept that might just be because dreams are the brains way of resolving issues, whether current or past. Having to just use your own strength to deal with your many varying and intense emotions without the aid of antidepressants just shows how strong you really are. But damn! It is not the easiest task to sit with those intense emotions, especially the desire to self harm or any suicidal thoughts, when you don’t have the off switch or balancing influence of antidepressants. But look, I am still here and I’ve not self harmed and I’m still living my life and finding hope.

It used to feel like I had this lifelong sentence with BPD. I feel the essence of my issues with regards to BPD was the shifting self identity and now that I have a more solid sense of self and feel assured of who ‘I’ am, I am feeling more at ease, more contented and less of a lost cause. I feel so much more hope for myself and the future. It sux when you lose yourself and just can’t work out where you fit in this world. Finding that renewed sense of self is a beautiful, powerful thing.

Right, I’m happy with that level of sharing and also, just past midnight and I need to sleep. Thanks to anyone following my blog and reading it. I appreciate it and appreciate you. I hope what I share helps others feel less alone in this messed up world. Knowing you aren’t the only one going through what you’re going through is reassuring and makes life, with it’s ups and downs and various struggles, that little bit easier just knowing you aren’t alone in your struggles. Hence why I blog and I encourage others to blog. This started as an outlet just for me and then became about just being real in hopes that others might draw inspiration from knowing they aren’t alone and being at the very least, comforted by that. I do my best not to filter myself, as I want to be as real as possible about my ups and downs.

…don’t mean to brag…but…

I’m friggen AWESOME! And by the way, so many of you ladies who read my blog are too! So don’t take this as me being arrogant or anything. See it as inspiration and a compliment too. As I think the same of you all. I think you are all friggen AWESOME too!

So, why am I so friggen awesome, you may ask?…

Because, I am decent, kind, caring, compassionate, non-judgemental, very importantly not at all clique! Understanding, open-minded, open to change, intelligent, in touch with my emotions(really in touch LOL!) and most importantly, different and unique!

Take my blonde and pink hair as an example of my uniqueness if you will. Cause, how many 30 something year olds do you know with blonde and pink hair?! It reminds my of some Eminem lyrics actually. “Why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think”. Ok, so he was taking the piss out of Pink, but who cares! Pink is friggen AWESOME!

I like different. Some of the music I prefer is evident of this. Like Eminem, Pink, Evanescense, Rihanna. LOVE Rihanna’s red hair!

I’m really not into acting my age and dressing appropriately. And eventually, I know I will get to a place, where I will not be so bothered by people’s opinions and want get into a big sulk and pity party if someone doesn’t like me.

But yeah, as you will all know, I HATE cliques! Wish I could get ride of them all. But I’m a Pisces and I’m into idealism and that’s just not reality. The world is not a lovely, happy, pleasant place. The world is falling apart and more and more people are becoming self-centred and self-serving.

Anyway, must go. Thankx for reading 🙂