Rinse and Repeat

Not literally rinse and repeat, it’s just an analogy for same shit, different day.

So I guess a lot has gone on since I last blogged.

I’ve left a few jobs, had a bit of a breakdown mentally a few weeks ago and yeah, I guess I have been avoiding admitting that I have been quite depressed for some time.

At the moment I’m not working, so that’s why I feel like life is just on rinse and repeat.

I do try to find different things to fill my day. But there are some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and I just want to sleep the whole day away.

So let’s get back to the breakdown. I think it was triggered by a lot of stress and ongoing depression and just feeling lost and not being able to find a job that I was invested enough in to stick at. I had been having intense nausea leading up to my breakdown and I thought that was just my weird stomach. Turns out it was just that I was really quite stressed and it was showing by means of intense nausea. I went through a period of barely being able to eat and my sleep was terrible and it was just a vicious cycle repeating itself. It got so bad that on my lunch break at the job I was doing at the time, that just trying to chew food was making me nearly vomit. So I ended up finishing work that day at lunch. I then made the decision to leave that job and that was basically when my mental health took a huge dive.

My physical health with the nausea had been so bad before leaving the job, that I had taken several days off and been in A&E a few times. First time just because the nausea was so bad I couldn’t handle it and was desperate for some help. Which was basically just being given anti nausea medication and sent on my way. Then the second time was because I felt desperate and a bit suicidal, because I couldn’t sleep or eat and the nausea was unbearable.

All the stress was messing with my sleep and I would wake up sweating, with my heart feeling like it was going crazy and then I’d feel really cold and start shivering and would also be on the verge of blacking out, which was really scary.

At times my heart was going so crazy, or so I thought, that I thought I was going to have a heart attack and I was really freaked out, so I called an ambulance. They checked me out and everything was fine.

Everything just got too much the next day, in the early hours of the morning and I was at breaking point. Crying loudly and sobbing very loudly. So I called the crisis mental health team and they got an ambulance to take me to A&E and I was just left there for a good 20 mins or so, sobbing loudly and rocking back and forth and being ignored by all the staff who actually had zero patients. Which I thought was really fucked up.

Eventually a doctor came and saw me and told me the crisis team were still a while away and I said “look I am just not going to be able to cope until then”. So he asked if I would like something to help calm me down and I said “yes please”. So he gave me some Lorazepam and once that kicked in, it was the first time I had actually felt calm for weeks.

I did end up in respite a few times last month, which was somewhat helpful. As I couldn’t handle the stress of being at home in the caravan and all the stress that goes with that. Plus I was not able to bring myself to eat at home. So respite was nice. It was nice to be able to go to the toilet whenever you like and not have to worry about having a cassette to empty (caravan’s that don’t have a built in toilet have a portable toilet which needs emptying). It was also nice to have a shower with no time limit. As my shower in my caravan only has about 5 mins worth of hot water, so my showers at home are very fast.

So back to why I think I had a breakdown mentally. I think it was a mix of a few things. I had been depressed for months, had nausea every morning and that was pretty unpleasant. I had started and left quite a few jobs. I felt lonely and like I only really had 1 or 2 friends and only 1 reliable one, who is my ex partner. I felt really lost after going through so many jobs. It messed with my confidence. I also haven’t seen my kids for a while and that makes me feel like utter shit. I feel like I am failing them by not seeing them often. I was totally overwhelmed with all the stuff that goes with living in a caravan. Once I had decided to leave the last job I just totally freaked out. I was constantly panicked trying to work out how to make ends meet and if I could afford to live and pay my bills and eat and see the kids.

Then there was the decision to try go back to the Commercial Road Transport course and whether I can afford to do that. As I thought I could just apply and start while being on the benefit. But then I went to the pre course interview and I was told I have to go on Studylink. So I’m still waiting to hear back about that.

Honestly the last time I felt happy and content in life was when I was doing pilot driving at Downer. So when I ended up just getting put on Traffic Control work I ended up feeling really over working there. As I really loved the pilot driving and I actually enjoyed going to work when I did that job.

Honestly I feel lonely not having someone to share my life with. It’s no surprise who I want that person to be.

It’s been just over 18 months since he left me and granted it needed to be done for both of our sakes. But he’s got his shit sorted and I’m still trying to find my place. Though I have grown a lot and changed immensely and I am very proud of my changes.

We have both been trying to learn the Cha Cha. Though that’s pretty difficult in my caravan. I have a dvd that is for beginners, but I need more space to practise. I can use one of the spaces here where I live, I just need to book a time to use it when it’s free.

I have been trying to learn Latin with this app called Duolingo. I’m doing ok at it. But sometimes I just get a bit over getting many sentences wrong. Though despite the frustration I keep persisting.

At the moment I’m on Quetiapine to help with sleep. Which seems to be working well and on the plus side, it seems to mean waking in the morning with no nausea which is awesome! As the nausea was so unbearable before. I have also been prescribed Lorazepam for the panic attacks. So I use that when I feel overwhelmed and start getting into freak out mode.

I feel like I am able to get out there and do normal things again. As it was so bad last month or whenever all this stuff happened, that I couldn’t handle going to the supermarket, pharmacy, doctor or even leaving the caravan. I was also struggling to make myself food or eat. I just basically had no interest in eating.

I remember waiting to see the doctor and just being in such a panic and when I saw her for whatever reason I was there, I was crying most of the time.

I’ve been wanting to write about all this for a few weeks now, but just couldn’t find the motivation to actually blog.

My ex partner has been really supportive during this time, which has been great. My mum goes between being supportive and critical. I was in tears over something she said yesterday. I can’t even remember what. But I had a good text exchange with my ex about everything and that helped me chill out. I can’t help but love him, he’s been there for me through a lot and his support and advice mean a lot to me.

He says he wants to build a life with me, but I need to get my shit sorted. Which is fair. As teammates should be equal contributors to the relationship. As in the past it was quite one sided and I took more then I gave.

I had to learn to love myself and be by myself and be ok with that. Plus I had a few unresolved issues that I really needed to work through.

I’ve definitely discovered how strong and resilient I can be.

That’s all for now. Until the next time I find something worth blogging about.

Thanks for reading 🙂

9th November 2021

Could not think of a title, so today’s date will do

And now I’ve put the time aside to blog, I don’t know what to write about. Which is so frustrating. As when I want to blog and I’ve got a fair amount I want to post about, I’m usually too tired or I just feel like I don’t have enough time to really explore everything

I should probably start by turning off the TV, as it’s a tad distracting

And I’m still sitting and thinking, what to write about, probably like an hour later

Oh well, if I get too tired while trying to write a post I can always come back to it tomorrow

Ok, yeah so I’ve got some stuff to write about now

Last week I was having a lot of emotions. As my other rat Dusty passed away exactly a week ago and that was really hard. As I had got quite used to having him snuggle with me. I knew he was heading towards passing away gradually over the past few weeks, so I had been having him sleep with me a lot of the time and just snuggle with me. The day he passed away I knew he was going to likely pass soon, but still nothing ever prepares you for when it happens. I was glad I was awake and there for his final moments, even though it’s so hard when you know your little buddy is taking his last breathes

Definitely the hardest part was handing him over to the lady to have him cremated. I arrived there and had several minutes where I just sat in the car crying and not really wanting to part with him. I cried a lot just driving over from home to take him there. I just really didn’t want to part with him and to say goodbye. Just wanted him with me forever. Just writing about it is making me cry a lot

Then I was also feeling stressed and stuck last week because I’m not working at the moment and that’s a hard place for me to be in. As then I often get into freak out mode and I’m like what do I want to do going forward, will I be good at it, will I fail, what if I’m no good at it, what if I’ve just fooled myself into thinking I can do and what if I really can’t. Then there’s the fear of financial uncertainty

Then I end up getting all stressed about where I stand with my ex partner and if he actually wants a relationship with me and I read too much into things and have a stress out and get all anxious and then I bombard him with I dunno how many text messages because I’m feeling uncertain and anxious. Then he wonders where the hell that randomly came from. So then I find myself trying to do damage control on my emotional outburst and somehow explain where my head is at and how I got to where my mind was at. While still very much being stuck in my emotional brain and not thinking very rationally and trying to calmly talk to him. Argh! Emotions! Seriously they hijack me hard out sometimes. Whether I am or am not ADHD, I certainly know I have trouble with my executive function for sure. Like sometimes I’m curious as to what I might function like if I were to take someones ADHD medication. I wonder if that would bring me relief from this mess inside my mind sometimes. Though I am certainly not saying it’s a wise idea to take others medication or medication that’s not prescribed to you. I guess it’s more of an experiment I’m curious about. Though also, I am quite anti medication when it comes to myself. As my experience with being on Venlafaxine in the past for I think about 7 years, it ended up making me wonder how safe medication is for me. I certainly feel like that medication started off helping me and ended up hindering me and very much messing with my life, my personality, my growth and my ability to heal. Though granted not having medication to calm the storm of my emotions and have a taper on the intensity has not always been easy either. Sure, it has shown me that I am more capable then I realised and it has shown I am quite resilient and strong, but it has been quite a difficult journey at times. Also though, when I think about how unmotivated that medication made me and how I just wasn’t present, I don’t miss it

Emotions aye?! They are sneaky little buggers sometimes. I feel like sometimes they just sneak up on you and bam! You’re just in this sea of emotions, feeling a bit like you’re drowning in them. Like sometimes they just get so overwhelming you just can’t see the end of them and you get a bit scared and worry they will just stay and that’s scary. But thankfully, they are like the sea and waves and they do crash and ease and become still and calm

I just hate how much of a fool I can make of myself when I’m stuck in them. Like I just don’t think rationally and I overthink and overreact and get overwhelmed and I just can’t think clearly. But when someone from the outside is like “what’s going on here?”, I’m kind of distracted by that and forced to actually try engage my rational brain again and work out, what is going on here and why. And usually, eventually I work it out and can attempt to explain it

Like I know for sure drinking too much on Friday night did not help! It was more the next day the consequences show up. I just felt ill all of Saturday and just couldn’t eat a thing and just had no energy and I was just useless all day. And drinking so much is toxic to your body and your brain, as it drains all the nutrients and just leaves you in a bad place physically and mentally. Definitely the hangover and the loss and stress of that week contributed to my emotional outburst

Sometimes I feel many pressures, some from myself, some from family and it all just gets too much for me and it just explodes out of me with these emotional outbursts

I guess I keep a lot in. As I’m not sure who I should talk to about some things. As family sometimes isn’t the best option, as I feel sometimes some of my family can gaslight and that they aren’t particularly encouraging and the fucked up thing is, I don’t know if they can even see that they aren’t showing love, care and support. As they are used to that looking a certain way to them and they don’t seem to realise they are being pretty harsh and unsupportive

There are certainly times where I need a break from some of my family and their toxicity. And the fucked up thing is they don’t even realise they are being toxic

I feel sometimes family can certainly unknowingly gaslight you and act in a toxic way because they are unhappy in their own life and it’s almost as if, when there are things out of their control in their own life, they try to compensate by controlling your life and messing with your life. And some of the nastiness I feel is intentional on some level. Like, oh things might be looking up for you, how about I just knock you down a few steps and give you a reality check and make you second guess yourself and others. I dunno, maybe I’m wrong and they don’t know that’s what they are doing. I know either way, when I try pull certain family members up on their behaviour I get a response like “why are you so grumpy?”, “why are you in a mood today?” or some comment that is dismissive. I have had a particular family member say some pretty fucking petty stuff about someone I care about recently and I told them that kind of behaviour is not on and there’s no need for it at all. Seriously, some adults act like fucking children sometimes! Out of respect for my family I won’t say some things that I’d like to on here, as I think some things should just remain private. But yeah, one particular family member has been really getting to me a lot this year, especially lately

Back to my wonderful ex. He’s gives some pretty good advice aye. He has a good perspective on things and I like that often some of the things I struggle with, he also has had similar struggles, not in a bad way I mean, just in that he can offer reassurance and guidance because he gets it. Like things I may be worrying about, he will say, yup I know that feeling too and I know how scary that is and why it scares you, so here’s my advice. I like that he gets me and he has a good understanding of some of my struggles, as they are some of his struggles too. He’s very supportive and I really appreciate that a lot. As I do lack that support from my family to be honest. I feel from my family I get more criticism then support. It’s nice to have someone who can just be supportive and positive and who can offer encouragement. It definitely helps, especially when you have been feeling worn down by others being the opposite

I’m really proud of him and how far he’s come this last year. He’s achieved a lot and grown a lot and he’s proven a lot to himself about his capabilities. I always believed in him, so it’s great to see him believing in himself too and seeing him fulfil his potential and be winning in life. Honestly, so proud of him

I’m going to be honest here. I don’t know if he might read this in the future or not, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure he would be flattered, not mad lol

It’s quite hard when I’m hanging out with him and I have to just behave and keep my hands to myself and I’m not meaning that in a sexual way either, in case anyones dirty minds went there. It’s more just wanting to hold his hands or snuggle with him or kiss him. It’s like, argh! I want to do those things, but I can’t. I need to respect his boundaries and wait til he says it’s ok. And yes of course I do also think about him sexually and want to make advances that way. But I find respecting the boundaries with sex easier, as that can all wait and I understand that probably causes confusion and amps up the emotions and that kind of thing is not fair to add to the mix at this point. But the cuddles, I really miss the cuddling, the snuggling, the holding hands, the kissing. Just the cute little intimate stuff

I’m really proud of me also. I know I have grown a lot in the last year and I have achieved so much and I’ve gained so many new skills and proved many people wrong about me and I’ve done a lot of growing up. The person I am now, I love her and I was sad that I lost her for many years. Like I always knew my heart was pure and kind and life just put me through some shit and I got a bit lost and jaded and guarded. I have always known my heart and my deep down good nature. That’s why I would always feel so crushed and hurt when people would think ill of me. It was like the worst kind of rejection. As it was a rejection based on their perception of you and it was a very wrong perception. I just could never really understand why people would think I was something other then a nice, decent, kind person. But I can only guess, some of my actions along the way may have portrayed me in a negative light. Or maybe it was as simple as, they just didn’t know the real me. And for many of years of my life, I think others rejection of me ended up rubbing off on me and I rejected myself for some time and I thought ill of myself also and I thought maybe they were right and I at times hated myself and thought myself evil and bad. Though I know who I am now and I think I always have deep down and I know that person is pretty awesome

But do you ever feel like, when you are ok with you and you love you, that maybe you’re a bit egotistical?… Like, yeah, I’m so awesome! Like if it’s conceded? I think though, if you are thinking all those things, then you probably aren’t egotistical or conceded. As if you were, you wouldn’t question it

And just to throw a spanner in the works, because I got briefly distracted by an email about a Reddit post about the protests at parliament

Where do I stand on all that?

Well I am fully vaccinated. But for me, that was actually more about desperation to get back to work when the whole country went into lockdown in August, I think it was August at least. As I found lockdown was really messing with my mental health and as I worked for a company that was deemed an essential service and I was a temp at the time, I figured during level 3 at least, they would tend to give the temps work that were vaccinated. So for me, that was the only reason really. As previous to the lockdown, even if I were eligible, I didn’t really care either way about vaccination. So it was purely related to ensuring I could still work for me

But I certainly have my own opinions about all this media and push towards vaccinations and all the restrictions. To me, as a christian, it feels very reminiscent of end of times videos and prophecies and Revelations type stories. It’s kind of scary

I do feel like it is very much a dictatorship and very communist

To me it feels like, play by these rules or we will take away your freedoms

So I definitely understand why people choose not to get vaccinated and why they may protest to stand up for their freedoms

Fact is, none of the people I know have had covid or delta, so none of us realistically know if it’s bad or how bad it might be. We only know what the media has told us and certainly in the U.S there has been a lot of grossly exaggerated results and even deaths, that weren’t even covid. There’s certainly a lot of misinformation out there and a fair amount of fabrication and lying. This much I do know

Like, fuck, they tell us to get these vaccinations and they only later tell us that they don’t protect you from contracting or passing on Delta. It only lessens it’s effect on you. So it certainly doesn’t get rid of the virus at all. And of those unvaccinated, yes it will effect them worse, but are they actually going to die from it if they don’t having underlying health conditions?

Then you find out that a lot of the people who died of Covid-19, what they were using to treat patients actually ended up causing them to die sooner. The ventilators were actually making things worse

There’s still certainly many unanswered questions and unknown’s

So, yeah, I understand why the vaccinations, but also it scares me how much control this government has and I definitely understand why people want to fight back, ask more questions and challenge it

Ok, well I didn’t plan to get onto that subject, but yeah, there you go. That’s my stance and observation on that

I think I’ll go to sleep now

One more thing. Just a quick note to anyone reading. Remember, things can always get better, no matter how hard life is and what it’s thrown at you. You can always re-write your story and have a good life

Enough

Being ‘Enough‘ is such food for thought and such a huge thing for me, that I have been dealing with for so much of my life.

Out of fear of never being ‘enough’ I have most definitely leaned towards the default coping mechanism in the past of good old self sabotage. That whole trying to protect yourself out of a deep fear of rejection and fear of the unknown. Self sabotage is such a bitch. But we learn it usually from a young age and it’s due to someone significant in our life leaving or dying or letting us down in a big way. It teaches us, this let down by someone significant, that things can go wrong unexpectedly and people can let us down, so we better use this strategy to protect ourselves from such disappointments in the future.

Self sabotage is a coping mechanism I hate, but have honestly employed a lot in my life. The whole, something is bound to go wrong, things always go wrong, I don’t trust this process to go smoothly, things can’t be good, stay good, things ultimately always go wrong and if they aren’t, no, I can’t trust that, therefore I better use my default coping mechanism and protect myself before everything falls apart. You just learn this coping mechanism and it becomes so ingrained in you, that often you don’t even realise you are unconsciously doing it.

So yeah, this whole being ‘enough’, it’s been a thing in my life for so long I couldn’t even tell you when it became an issue for me. I’d say some of it comes from ex partners parents, who for some reason would think I’m ‘trouble’, the ‘bad guy’ and I don’t understand this. As I know deep down I’m a beautiful, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, empathetic and genuinely nice person. So I have always struggled with this lack of acceptance from ex partners parents. My mind just can’t understand why they would think so badly of me. Like, as if I didn’t have enough issues with low self esteem and confidence and self worth as it was! So that is definitely one root cause I have identified. Also it may have come from my parenting by my mother and being told to stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself and being asked “what’s wrong with you?”…. That question in and of itself is so bloody unhelpful for an emotional, sensitive and depressed teenager. Because then you do start to ask yourself that question and that really fucks with your confidence and self worth. As clearly if someone important asks you “what’s wrong with you?”, clearly there’s something wrong with you.

I’ve self sabotaged 2 key relationships because of this fear of not being ‘enough’. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. Like, better drop them before they hurt you or better give them every reason to leave or else they will see the real you and reject you and leave.

And for some reason, I thought the real me was someone evil, terrible, unlovable and unacceptable. I thought the real me was not ok.

No, how very wrong I was. The real me was just very broken, very wounded, deeply longing for so many things I lacked. Desperate to be loved and accepted for all that I am. The real me was never a bad person, just a very scared child 😥

I definitely fucked up my last relationship because of thinking I wasn’t ‘enough’. And that was definitely not my partners fault. If I had the foresight that I do now, I would have realised I was definitely ‘enough’. He gave me no reason to think I wasn’t enough. It was always my issue, thinking I wasn’t enough. He was who I never knew I was looking for and who I always needed. He met me at the worst time of my life and he stayed. Which is huge. As I gave him so many reasons to leave, not intentionally though. Stupid self sabotage! I gave him many reasons to reject me, but he didn’t. I just couldn’t accept I was enough, that I was who he wanted long term. I do think words said by parents on both sides honestly had something to do with this self doubt and thinking I wasn’t good enough and that things would come to an end. Hearing about the conversations his parents would have with him and them bringing up my age, that I have kids already, that I was married, my BPD, the fact I have my tubes tied so no grandkids for them. And the odd persons opinions that it wouldn’t last, that he might get bored with me. Family definitely had a part in creating a lot of insecurity and building fear and planting seeds in my mind that naturally would have me second guessing myself and questioning my confidence in my relationship. I can take a lot on as my fault and my doing, but those above mentioned definitely did not help and they certainly fed into my fear of not being enough. I always had such a huge fear that he would change his mind and I would be left heartbroken. It’s so very true that what we fear most, we create.

I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for him, my ex. He has a heart that is just so big and beautiful and full of love and he’s been dragged through hell and back with his relationships, even, I’m willing to admit with me as well as previous partners. I am thankful I still have him in my life. I do love him a lot and respect him a lot. He’s a great guy and I hate how people he cares about have put him through hell and taken advantage of his kind nature.

So, you feel like you aren’t ‘enough’? Take it from me, you are, always were and always will be. Yeah, you are human, therefore you are flawed, remember this, acknowledge this and work with this. Just keep improving and growing. We should always be growing, even into old age. Change, is the scariest thing to do, but so worth it. Mate, if I can change and I thought I was fucked, then anyone can! I thought I was destined to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life and look, here I am, 6 months later and I’m still standing, still trying, still surviving. I’m not going to lie, it has been hard, it’s been scary, it’s been challenging and it has been the fight of my life and for my life, but I’ve done it and I keep doing it.

I’m definitely proud of my progress so far. I have improved my life in many ways. Mental health is better, yes, I still do suffer from depression and anxiety at times, it is what it is. My general health is better.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully everything I wrote makes sense.

It’s been a while

I’ve been through a lot since my relationship ended last year in November. Ups and downs. Some bad decisions, but I feel more good decisions have been made then bad.

Out of loneliness and desperation for social contact, I did hang around with some less then desirable people and made bad choices. Took drugs that I regret ever trying. I don’t feel I ever got to a point of being reliant or addicted, as I feel it was more being around the drug and people who had a dependency on it and simply partaking out of boredom and just being around those people. I never really cared for it and can happily live without it and those people and the stresses that their lives involved. I was mostly using it as a distraction from my unhappy feelings. It was most definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. Trying to runaway from my reality, instead of facing it head on and making the changes I needed to, to make my life better. Certainly I do not think people who take such a drug are bad people, but they tend to be, from my observation, very stuck, hurting people, who generally have traumas and issues that they haven’t resolved and rather then actually doing the right thing for themselves and working through their traumas and issues, they choose to numb it and block it out with drugs. This, as we all know, never fixes anything. This is always a temporary solution and never serves to improve their lives and then due to their addiction, they do end up make bad choices and becoming pretty shitty in how they behave and treat others, out of desperation to feed their addiction. It’s really bloody sad. I am quite empathetic and I see their pain, but I don’t accept their excuses. I can empathize with how their trauma is a constant struggle to live with, but still, you are the author of your life and only you can rewrite your story and that there is power. A power that I wish these people would embrace.

All you can do is say, “hey, I see you. I see your pain. I see how much it hurts, I see how hard you struggle. But you can do better and be better and you have these skillsets and you can make something of your life and you know that”. No-one will ever change until they are ready. All you can do is let them know someone believes in them, that they are important and people do care and leave it at that. You can’t hang around to see if they make these changes, as due to their addiction, they will sadly use you, manipulate you and play on your sympathies to feed their addiction.

That’s as much time as I’m willing to devote to that subject. I’m done with that drug and those people and my life is better for it.

I was so sick of living a life of regret and shame. I hated hurting people I love when I was weak. I hated that I lied and only thought about myself at times, in the context of making selfish choices that did not serve my growth and I couldn’t be the best me.

I am SO lucky for the few great people I have in my life. I keep my circle small for a reason. Only people who want the best for me I allow to stay in my life. I am thankful to my Mum for being there and loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. For supporting me and advocating for me when I was depressed and suicidal last year and the mental health sector didn’t offer me any help. I am so thankful she kept pushing until someone would hear me and offer me the support I desperately needed. I am thankful for my friend Lindsay, even though he didn’t always know what to say, what he had to say was supportive and caring and just even if all he could do was listen, that was huge to me. I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sophie telling me some hard truths and pulling me up on being kind of shit Mum during the Xmas holidays and not being there for her. She was blunt, but I love that she was and I needed her to tell me straight how that effected her. It really helped me. Yeah, no doubt it was very hard to hear. As it hurt and I hurt her and failed her when I couldn’t be present. As I was not coping after my break up and I just couldn’t be present and be the parent she needed. I am thankful to my ex, who is still my friend and I think he will always be my best friend, despite everything. Because we have been each others best friend for 5 years and we are used to sharing our lives, triumphs and struggles with each other. And I Love him no doubt. It hurts me so much when I know he is hurting because of me. He’s been my biggest supporter in life and been with me through so much. The best and the worst and he still stayed loyal and by my side, loving me through it all. But I wasn’t always the team player and partner he needed and I was detrimental to his mental health at times, due to my unresolved issues. So I respect he needed to leave and put that time and distance between us, to look after himself and ultimately it forced me to look after myself and find myself and start to heal my life. I do want a life with him and I hope in the future we can have that. We do both care for each other deeply and love each other. But because of my last slip up with drugs on my birthday, his guard is up and his trust towards me is shaken. So that will take time to rebuild. But I appreciate that he texts with me every day and we chat on the phone several times a week. He is irreplaceable. No one has captured my heart like him. No-one gets me like he does and he’s just a beautiful soul, so kindhearted and a real man. He softened my hardened heart.

I’ve had to sever contact with his parents, as they don’t agree I should be in his life in any capacity. I do understand based on the past me, that they have their reservations. But people can and do change. But I can’t allow myself to care so much what they think and about their approval, as the last interaction I had with his father, left me feeling enraged, hopeless and suicidal and rather then allow his father to throw anything more at me that had such a negative response by me, I did what was best for me and cut off contact. If you have followed my blog and read many of my previous posts about myself, you may recall I have quite an issue with seeking approval of parents, especially fathers. I think fathers, because I lost my own father at an early age, so I tend to crave that acceptance more.

I am a lot stronger then I realized. That I am still standing and persevering despite such a long struggle with depression is awesome. The end of last year was so hard for me. Living by myself has been very hard and yeah, there was a period of bad decisions because of loneliness. My brief time on Tinder, I thought it was about sex, but when I really looked at myself, it was loneliness and not respecting myself and not loving myself and not caring about myself. It was so much deeper, that behaviour, then what it seemed. Truth, once I got over my self destructive tendencies, I realized I don’t even care about sex, unless it’s in a relationship and with someone I love. It doesn’t feel good, it lacks substance and depth. I feel some females can tend to keep sex very separate from feelings at times. This is evidenced in how females can tend to move on sexually or otherwise quite fast. We can be a bit ruthless to be honest. Men, despite many misconceptions have more depth and emotional connections related to sex. Interesting, because there’s always been this perception that women are the more emotional sex. Hmm, don’t fully agree. It’s just more socially acceptable for us to have and show emotions. I feel the opposite is true. I feel men are the more emotional sex. But it is less accepted as appropriate for them to show emotion by society. Yes, there is more acceptance of this, but still we have a long way to go. I feel women really are given way too much leeway and they get away with so much that they shouldn’t. We are taught from a young age in fact, to be less then honest and how to manipulate and in fact how to use our sexuality to get our way in certain situations. Whereas men are taught to be honest, loyal, truthful and to make their family proud. They are taught to be hardworking, nurturing, protective and they have a huge weight of expectations on them by society and family. I accept I’m a female and it is what it is, but I am not proud of what little is honestly expected of us. I mean come on, really?! Why do we get bought up with such questionable values?! Why didn’t we get bought up to be honest, loyal, truthful, hardworking and protective?…. Like in this world of equality, this is fucked! Granted, there are likely some women who may have been bought up in a less morally questionable way, but I’m not one of them and every female I have known so far, accept maybe one, was bought up much the same as me. And just let me say, I think men do deserve to get paid more with regards to certain careers. This isn’t about sexism though, it’s about certain tasks they can better perform then women and I’m not saying there aren’t possibly women who could do some of those tasks, it’s possible, but this is why the higher pay is justified.

On to another subject. Stoicism and Philosophy. Both bloody awesome subjects! I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on Stoics, Stoicism and Philosophers and Philosophy and it’s very insightful and relevant and can definitely be used to better our lives. Markus Aurelius, Socrates, Seneca, Epictetus. I have come to discover a lot of modern Psychology has a lot of basis and inspiration from Philosophy and Stoicism, especially CBT.

So, what else have I been upto lately. Well, self improvement, studying for my Class 2 license and Forklift License. Trying to get a full time job. Eating well and looking after my mind, body and soul. Living a life I can be proud of. I can’t remember if I have mentioned my annoying diet restrictions. Annoyingly I am Gluten Intolerant, Lactose Intolerant and Egg Intolerant. Makes eating healthy on a small budget so damn difficult! You go to the supermarket and have to really look and not be impulsive. That not being impulsive with foods has been a hard one to work with. As I love sweet, bad things, but my body WILL punish me if I eat bad foods 😦

I’m feeling a lot happier these days and have more energy and motivation. Dropping the antidepressants seems to have helped with that. Though I do still have dreams that are intense and sometimes emotionally charged or distressing. But I’ve come to accept that might just be because dreams are the brains way of resolving issues, whether current or past. Having to just use your own strength to deal with your many varying and intense emotions without the aid of antidepressants just shows how strong you really are. But damn! It is not the easiest task to sit with those intense emotions, especially the desire to self harm or any suicidal thoughts, when you don’t have the off switch or balancing influence of antidepressants. But look, I am still here and I’ve not self harmed and I’m still living my life and finding hope.

It used to feel like I had this lifelong sentence with BPD. I feel the essence of my issues with regards to BPD was the shifting self identity and now that I have a more solid sense of self and feel assured of who ‘I’ am, I am feeling more at ease, more contented and less of a lost cause. I feel so much more hope for myself and the future. It sux when you lose yourself and just can’t work out where you fit in this world. Finding that renewed sense of self is a beautiful, powerful thing.

Right, I’m happy with that level of sharing and also, just past midnight and I need to sleep. Thanks to anyone following my blog and reading it. I appreciate it and appreciate you. I hope what I share helps others feel less alone in this messed up world. Knowing you aren’t the only one going through what you’re going through is reassuring and makes life, with it’s ups and downs and various struggles, that little bit easier just knowing you aren’t alone in your struggles. Hence why I blog and I encourage others to blog. This started as an outlet just for me and then became about just being real in hopes that others might draw inspiration from knowing they aren’t alone and being at the very least, comforted by that. I do my best not to filter myself, as I want to be as real as possible about my ups and downs.

Gah! I’m SO slack & unmotivated

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

Where my head is at

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

29th July 2014

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

…don’t mean to brag…but…

I’m friggen AWESOME! And by the way, so many of you ladies who read my blog are too! So don’t take this as me being arrogant or anything. See it as inspiration and a compliment too. As I think the same of you all. I think you are all friggen AWESOME too!

So, why am I so friggen awesome, you may ask?…

Because, I am decent, kind, caring, compassionate, non-judgemental, very importantly not at all clique! Understanding, open-minded, open to change, intelligent, in touch with my emotions(really in touch LOL!) and most importantly, different and unique!

Take my blonde and pink hair as an example of my uniqueness if you will. Cause, how many 30 something year olds do you know with blonde and pink hair?! It reminds my of some Eminem lyrics actually. “Why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think”. Ok, so he was taking the piss out of Pink, but who cares! Pink is friggen AWESOME!

I like different. Some of the music I prefer is evident of this. Like Eminem, Pink, Evanescense, Rihanna. LOVE Rihanna’s red hair!

I’m really not into acting my age and dressing appropriately. And eventually, I know I will get to a place, where I will not be so bothered by people’s opinions and want get into a big sulk and pity party if someone doesn’t like me.

But yeah, as you will all know, I HATE cliques! Wish I could get ride of them all. But I’m a Pisces and I’m into idealism and that’s just not reality. The world is not a lovely, happy, pleasant place. The world is falling apart and more and more people are becoming self-centred and self-serving.

Anyway, must go. Thankx for reading 🙂