Category: Confidence


I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

Advertisements

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

I’m friggen AWESOME! And by the way, so many of you ladies who read my blog are too! So don’t take this as me being arrogant or anything. See it as inspiration and a compliment too. As I think the same of you all. I think you are all friggen AWESOME too!

So, why am I so friggen awesome, you may ask?…

Because, I am decent, kind, caring, compassionate, non-judgemental, very importantly not at all clique! Understanding, open-minded, open to change, intelligent, in touch with my emotions(really in touch LOL!) and most importantly, different and unique!

Take my blonde and pink hair as an example of my uniqueness if you will. Cause, how many 30 something year olds do you know with blonde and pink hair?! It reminds my of some Eminem lyrics actually. “Why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think”. Ok, so he was taking the piss out of Pink, but who cares! Pink is friggen AWESOME!

I like different. Some of the music I prefer is evident of this. Like Eminem, Pink, Evanescense, Rihanna. LOVE Rihanna’s red hair!

I’m really not into acting my age and dressing appropriately. And eventually, I know I will get to a place, where I will not be so bothered by people’s opinions and want get into a big sulk and pity party if someone doesn’t like me.

But yeah, as you will all know, I HATE cliques! Wish I could get ride of them all. But I’m a Pisces and I’m into idealism and that’s just not reality. The world is not a lovely, happy, pleasant place. The world is falling apart and more and more people are becoming self-centred and self-serving.

Anyway, must go. Thankx for reading 🙂