Tag Archive: quetiapine


Typical that when I decide I’m going to make a post, my iPad decides it’s on 10%.  So, I will try get a decent post in before the battery runs out.

It’s been a few months since I posted a decent blog post.  Not that there has been a lack of things to blog about.

I kind of feel like I don’t really know how the fully relax most of the time.  I feel like I need to always be doing something or working on something and I also feel,like there’s a lot I need to do that I’m not.  It’s like operating on some level of anxiety all the time.  I guess because financially there are a lot of up and downs.  

I always have at the back of my mind that debt I have mostly created and how I have been really irresponsible with regards to that debt and what’s worse is that it is under my partners name.  And he had never had any kind of debt and was apprehensive about getting things on credit. In case basically this situation happened.  And I reassured him that we would make regular payments and I’d keep on top of it.  And I for the most part haven’t.  And I feel like shit about that.  Examples being, when I have asked to use the credit card to purchase something to fix and resell for a profit, which would then go back on the card to cover the debt plus extra. Then I wouldn’t follow through and only some of the profit of resale would go back on.  Sometimes I would reinvest the profit to make more profit, but the majority of the time not all of the profit would go back on the card.

I am a true Borderline Personality with regards to financial matters and spending money I in theory don’t have, with out regard for the consequences.  And often I would try and ignore my feelings or guilt and failure by drinking.  Yeah not helpful I know.

I got really upset and stressed and depressed on Thursday night due to our overdue power bill, huge debt, feeling I have let my partner down big time, feeling like a failure, a fuck up, a burden, car on empty, no spare money, not selling anything as yet that I put time and money into getting operating and feeling like there’s no way out of this mess.  So I did my usual unhelpful behavior and took more then my normal dose of Quetiapine, so as to ignore reality for at least the next day and not deal with shit.  Not very helpful behavior either when someone ends up wanting my help with their laptop and compatibility testing the next day and I end up looking like I don’t not what the hell I’m doing due to be off my face and doped up on Quetiapine.  I would say I worried a few people on Friday, due to a very early FB post simply saying “Fuck Everything!” and then turning my phone off.  I just didn’t want to deal with anything at all.

I fair the potential of starting my business more extensively.  In case I just go fuck up the businesses finances in a big way, due to living outside my means and making a mess of the whole thing.  Also some of that fear most likely stems from lack of success in the past and never having found my ‘thing’, the one little something that I’m really good at.  I’m just used to just existing and barely living.  I’m not familiar with the concept of success.

Also, I do fear the unknown, like many and that is always a daunting thing.

I was thinking of creating a WordPress for my business.  As I feel it’s much more customizable then then Wix and I like being able to tag keywords.  I’d say that would definitely be a benefit to WordPress.  Plus, come on, WordPress is just AWESOME.

I have nearly finished the 22 week Small Business Course, which is a huge achievement.  As I’ve barely ever finished any course in the past.  It is definitely a worthwhile course and I am glad I decided to attend it.  I have learnt a lot about what considerations need to be taken when starting a new business.

2 of our girl rats had babies.  Eevee had 7 and Rosie had 9 ūüź≠ūüźĀūüźÄ

I really don’t feel like I can stop stressing until we’ve found money to pay the power bill and sold more things so we can put money on the credit card debt.  I hate how terrible I am with money.  It makes me feel so crap about myself.

Another thing that really got me down on Thursday night was the reality check via the mirror and the very real reality check via the scales.  I have been in denial about the reality of my weight gain.  Choosing to find ways to try and hide the extra weight, instead of acknowledging it and attempting to do something about it.  I am currently so overweight, that I am literally 6 kgs away from my heaviest ever, which by the way was when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest.  This is the heaviest I have been outside of pregnancy ever!  All the weight I lost after I had my son, I have gained back plus more.  I’m nearly 30 kgs away from my goal weight.  Honestly, I am disgusted with myself.  I am solely to blame for all this extra weight.

I think I should actually try get some sleep now.  As its 3:11am

Thanks for reading.  

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I just finished watching a very interesting and thought provoking movie. It is about bipolar and mania.

Touched with Fire

There is another movie I am very interested in watching, so I need to see if it is at the video store. It is about a boy with bipolar and is based on a true story. No Letting Go

An interesting part about the first movie, the one I just watched tonight, is how the 2 main actors, who were portraying 2 bipolar inpatients, were acting at a very manic time and their fixations and obsessions about certain things. I gave me an honest insight into what I observed from a guy who I was in the Psychiatric Ward and respite with back in August 2013. I now understand what head space he was in and where he was at with things he would talk about in great detail when in Psychosis.

I have been feeling quite anxious today, as I have my first appointment in over more then a year at Kawai Clinic, that is the name on the Nelson Community Mental Health Clinic. I’m not too sure how long the appointment will be for, but hopefully it is productive and here’s hoping I am taken seriously and offered some help. Instead of my usual experience of being fobbed off. I am sure if I do feel fobbed off, I will be on here venting about it tomorrow. Let’s hope I am wrong. Though, naturally it is very hard not to be pessimistic based on previous experience with those lot.

Though an appointment with them is progress, I just get really anxious and slightly distressed at the thought of talking to someone about everything. It doesn’t come as naturally anymore, as it used to when I was in a darker place and at my worst. As experience has jaded me and I have got into a habit of hiding how I feel and not talking about it with professionals. As I have been left to my own devices for so long. And did not even get a look in with the CMH(community mental health) after my slight suicide attempt last August. I mean that, if anything should have provoked some kind of referral. But no. It is such a sad state of affairs this thing called the Mental Health Sector in NZ.

I have another appointment straight after this particular appointment as well. With my ex and the relationship counsellor. Gah! Why do they both have to be on the same day and straight after one another?! Fun times….not!

Anyway, enough about that.

Thing’s with my new partner are great and I feel very blessed to have him and am just SO happy with him. I can be ME with him. Faults and all. I could not ask for anyone better.

I will head to bed soon, as I have my appointments in the morning and I really don’t like appointments in the morning. So I best get some sleep. Plus, some time soon my Quetiapine will kick in and I might start heading into what I like to call ‘zombieland’ territory and may stop making sense. It is really quite amusing when I am in that state. I just start having sudden pauses in my thinking and speaking and keep spacing out.

Anyway, good night and thankx for reading.

This week… Argh! ¬†This week has been stressful. ¬†Between unplanned and unbudgeted wedding expenses and my fiance’s moods, it has been hard.

The unplanned expenses which I had not budgeted for, therefore had no money set aside for was the first lot of stresses.  So I had to use food money to pay for 1 of those things and then apply for a food grant, which was approved, but minimal.  And the second expense I can hopefully cover with a refund I am getting.

Lately I have been finding my fiance quite moody. ¬†And I am having to remind him to not be so grumpy and negative towards my oldest daughter and to watch his language. ¬†He then goes and takes that as me not supporting him and me undermining him, which it totally isn’t and then he has a sulk.

I know I am a Mum and a parent, but I do not feel that therefore makes me qualified to mediate or try and counsel between my daughter and fiance.

Matter of the fact is, I feel like my fiance just responds to me challenging him regarding my oldest daughter, with excuses and that is not on.

I have fought really hard to keep her in my care and I know part of her unhappiness is due to their strained relationship.  I can totally sympathize with the fact that sometimes my daughter says she wishes it was just her and I.

Any decent man in their right mind should know that children come first ahead of all things.  Them included!

Today was exceptionally stressful. As it seemed my fiance woke up in a bad mood, due to staying up too late doing who knows what on the computer. ¬†And he starts having a bitch at me for heading down to the car and not brushing our daughters hair. ¬†I was like “what?!”, “if you wanted me to do that just ask, instead of bitching at me for not doing it”. ¬†I think it’s bullshit that I can given shit for something I was not asked to do. ¬†So he continued on being a moody shit for the next hour. ¬†I said to him that it is not fair to take it out on others due to being tired and grumpy, due to his choice to stay up so late.

Then later he starts bitching at me about the wedding and saying it is more like my wedding then our’s. ¬†Honestly, after this it was really doing my head in. ¬†I said to him it is hardly fair to whinge about the choices I made after the fact and reminded him I discussed ideas with him way before making finals decisions. ¬†So he did have plenty of opportunity to say, hey, I’m not so keen on that idea.

Then after school our youngest daughter was in a mood and kept whinging and he ends up only responding when my daughter does something and directs his bad mood at her.  Which of course I call him out on and he gets more moody and sulks.

By the time I was half way to the supermarket I was just so over everything.  It was all just stressing me out so much and I just wanted to run away and go slash my wrists.  Yeah, not a wise thing to do.  I am just finding stress really hard to deal with.

Tonight my fiance got in a mood again and was swearing and swearing at my daughter too.  Again, as you would expect, I told him that was not on.  And again he started to have a sulk.

It’s like enough already!!!

So yeah, the title of this blog is wishful thinking.  I am hoping this storm is going to pass and things will become calm.

I am not sure how well I will cope if things do not calm down.  I already want to run away.

I have been eating healthy this week, as I am sick of hating how my body looks and knowing it is my bad eating habits that is causing all this weight gain and unsightly fat.  I am sick of seeing my slim photos and longing to look like that again.  It is time to start working towards that goal and stop making excuses.

I did eat more pancakes for dinner tonight then was healthy. ¬†So I did do something that was not so healthy. ¬†I made myself throw up as much of it as I could. ¬†Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not healthy. ¬†Don’t worry I am not planning on making a habit of it.

So, our wedding is only 7 days away.  And this week had started out calm and I was feeling ok.  But lately I have been feeling quite stressed and honestly really quite low and depressed.

I hope the next 7 days go well.  I know the weather is not planning on being particularly kind for the next week.  But hey, what can ya do?.  Not much.

My fiance is being ‘realistic’ and mentioning all that could go wrong with the possibly muddy reserve. ¬†This realism is not helpful to me. ¬†I am trying to stay calm and just take things as they come.

My friend has been sick most of this week, so sadly I have not seen her yet this week.  I really enjoy hanging out with her. We can be real with each other and totally honest.  I really cherish our friendship.

I finally went to the cemetery and found my friend who committed suicides plot. ¬†It felt weird. ¬†I guess because he was cremated and also because I don’t know if his ashes are there are not. ¬†It is quite hard to connect with the reality still.

I am still on weekly pick up with my Quetiapine which is annoying.  But those are the consequences for misusing your medication and getting caught out.

I was supposed be doing some kind of journalling that the grief counselling suggested, but that hasn’t happened as yet. ¬†I can’t even remember where I put the piece of paper that explained it.

I’m pretty sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I am just so drained that I can’t remember.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

Yup, time to get real with how things have been with me lately.

I haven’t had a chance to blog lately, which I prefer to use my laptop for, due to my fiance always using it when I would like to. ¬†He’s always watching the same crap with it. ¬†Either via YouTube or on Twitch. ¬†So damn sick of hearing the same crap coming from my laptop for hours and pretty much every day! ¬†I finally get hold of my laptop tonight and it’s battery is completely drained and it would not turn on! ¬†Grr! ¬†That so angered me! ¬†I had to restart and about 6 times I think, before it decided to turn on. ¬†And I only bought it in April I think. ¬†Anyway, enough venting about that.

So, things have not been good with my mental health lately. ¬†In fact not last week but the week before they got very bad. ¬†I did something stupid which I am sure I have admitted to doing on here quite a few times in the past. ¬†I abused/over-used my medications. ¬†I intentionally took more of my medications then is probably safe or healthy. ¬†I believe on the first night I took 5 Venlafaxine(Effexor), 3 Zopiclone, 2 Lorazepam and I think 5-6 Quetiapine. ¬†So that is something like 425mgs of Venlafaxine(Effexor), 21mgs of Zopiclone, 2mgs Lorazepam and 500-600mgs of Quetiapine. ¬†I may have taken more then that, I can’t remember to be honest. ¬†I calculated how many I could take without killing myself. ¬†I simply did not want to deal with reality for a bit. ¬†Then the next night I took similar, but not as much. ¬†At some point my the following day my fiance worked out something was not right with me and after dropping the kids to school, took me to the medical centre, who called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital. ¬†The GP, my fiance, the paramedics and the hospital all probably thought it was a suicide attempt. ¬†I assured them it was not. ¬†Anyway, they hooked me up to all the relevant machines and took blood tests to see if my body had been effected in any negative ways by my overdose. ¬†Lucky everything came back fine. ¬†I stayed in overnight for observation.

Eventually the Mental Health Crisis Team came and saw me. ¬†I found the lady to be really icy in her approach to me. ¬†She even went as far as saying she did not think I was suffering depression. ¬†Yeah…cause people do that shit because they are not depressed….Fuck off! ¬†It is beyond me where the hell such a stupidly inaccurate diagnosis comes from!

And guess what?… I have not been followed up since! ¬†OMG!

One thing that really hurt me was something my younger sister said to me after visiting me in hospital.  She said that I seemed to look quite pleased with myself when she saw me.  And even my mother agreed with that!  I had to remind them that I was high as a kite on the medications I had taken.  Man it hurts when you family have you completely wrong and say things like that.

During these school holidays we went up to Wellington for 6 days.  Which was quite an expensive trip.  I thought it might help my mental health to get away.  It did not unfortunately.  I honestly am still having trouble coping.

My anxiety is still quite a big problem and it does on many occasions stop me from doing regular things. ¬†Like going to the supermarket. ¬†Some days the idea of going anywhere freaks me out, so I stay at home. ¬†Yet some days I don’t mind. ¬†I am still definitely feeling depressed the majority of the time. ¬†I hate my moods and emotions sometimes. ¬†They are all over the place. ¬†My patience sux, my tolerance to small things sux, I do not cope with stress, I can not cope very well with my 5 year olds behaviour, which is quite testing lately.

Sometimes I have a really strong urge to cut myself. ¬†Thankfully I have only given in to that urge once, which was the same night I first took too many med’s.

So many things keep reminding me of my friend who committed suicide.  But that is probably quite normal I am guessing.

My bank account balance is playing on my mind.  I have actually been totally avoiding checking it.  I am freaking out about how fast it is going down.  I am stressing because I still have to pay for the reception, I have to keep money aside for the photographer, for suit hire, for the marriage license, for dress alterations and probably some other things.  It is really wearing me down the fact I had to organize pretty much everything for this wedding and then I have to pay for everything. It is really stressful when no-one else is chipping in.  I do not need stress!

I should be looking forward to it.  Instead I am stressing, as September is approaching rather fast.

I was aiming to get to my goal weight or near it.  Instead I have been slacking on my diet yet again and my weight is going up.  Argh!

Yes.  I probably am too hard on myself.

Motivation…what’s that?…. It is something I am lacking big time!

Deep down, I know my wedding day will be great, no matter what happens and it will be quite a relief once we are married.

So much for a stress free wedding!  Is there such a thing?  Maybe.

Like I get that the timing is probably part of it.  I have had a lot happen this year.  But I did not think putting it off would make things any better.

I may whinge about my fiance, but who doesn’t whinge and vent about their partner? ¬†He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect. Relationships are just like this. ¬†No matter how much we love one another, there is always something that each of us does that annoys the hell out of the other person and vice versa. ¬†Reality is, he is pretty awesome for putting up with all this that has been thrown at him in the last few years and it takes a real man to stick around and support you and love you no matter what. ¬†So yeah, I am really proud of him and even in awe of him for all this.

Whinging and moaning aside, I do truly love him and I know he feels the same.  I am lucky, even if I fail to acknowledge it at times.

Oops…it’s nearly 1:30am! ¬†Better try get some sleep. ¬†Good Night. ¬†Thankx for reading.

Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that. ¬†Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount. ¬†But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot. ¬†I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him. ¬†There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet. ¬†I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much. ¬†And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose. ¬†I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there. ¬†I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks. ¬†At least I am happy with my hair at present. ¬†Though I prefer it when it’s straightened. ¬†At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook. ¬†That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil. ¬†He’s my friend that committed suicide. ¬†Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well. ¬†And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health. ¬†So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it. ¬†Which is very important to me. ¬†Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her. ¬†As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome. ¬†So I got her one of these necklace’s:¬†http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368. ¬†I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it. ¬†I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it. ¬†Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance. ¬†I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay. ¬†He always replies with don’t be silly. ¬†I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately. ¬†He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time. ¬†Sometimes I feel so angered by it! ¬†Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt. ¬†But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids. ¬†It’s not cool though. ¬†It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported. ¬†I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot. ¬†But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep. ¬†Thanks for reading. ¬†Night.

Yup. ¬†I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo. ¬†Well actually I got 2. ¬†I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide. ¬†The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March. ¬†We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it. ¬†So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

WIN_20150411_204228 WIN_20150411_204253

Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time. ¬†To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow. ¬†It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson. ¬†I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller. ¬†But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now. ¬†I better try eating something soon. ¬†I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat. ¬†Anyway, ciao for now.

So, on Friday just passed I had the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review for my oldest daughter. It was stressful, intimidating, distressing and emotional.

The days leading up to it most definitely had a lot of negative effect on my sleep. With me often not getting to sleep til 1am – 1:30am.

Thankfully my BFF in Wellington was available in the end and I was able to stay with her and spend some time with her and she was also able to come as my support person.

The FGC was not a fun process. There was a lot of stress throughout it. And it is really quite horrible how certain participants in the review put across that they support you and then they turn around and get nasty. I would even call some of the behaviour, especially from my daughters carers, bullying tactics. The whole process brought a lot of things to light and not pleasant things. One of the most hurtful twists was when my own Mother went from being one of my biggest supporters and completely on the same page as me, to turning around and pretty much going with the view of all my opposers. Which was that, my daughter would be bette off staying in Wellington. That hurt more then anything else ever! After she had turned around and agreed with them, I could no longer keep strong and hold my composure and I had to walk out of the meeting for a time. I was SO upset by that. I felt like, yet again, the people who were supposed to be my biggest supporters had turned on me and that hurts like a bitch! My younger sister however continued to support me and battle for me, which I am SO grateful for. I was a bit shocked that my older sister appeared to still be holding on to the past and she even brought up my blog and how she had read some of it and been quite hurt by my posts. Which, granted, she is entitled to feel that way. But I did not feel it needed to be brought up in the meeting. Pretty much everything the CYFS social worker put across that my sister had said, was negative. Saying I still appear to have communication problems and our relationship as sisters was still strained. Which was quite a shock to me. As in my mind we had made amends when I went and apologized to her for the unkind things I had written in my blog about her. And as for me not going to see her much, I was respecting the fact that she is going through her own stuff at the moment. My daughters grandparents on her father’s side were still making out that I was some kind pariah. His wife going as far as bursting into tears when describing how she felt my daughter was neglected by me. Clearly her husband had done a damn fine job of putting me across as some kind of fuck up of a parent. He threatened that if my daughter went backwards in all the areas she has made gains in, he would not hesitate to take legal action to gain custody of her, like he did with her aunties daughter. Like what the hell?! How can he even put me in the same category as her! She had an abusive boyfriend and they bolted from the hospital down south with their newborn. I was so glad to have my BFF there to support me. As she knows me and my family well and everything I have been through. Throughout the whole review, it very much looked like it was never going to go in my favour. So it was quite a shock when it did. I guess it shows just how strong I am, even though I did not realise I was that strong. As this whole process had damn near broken me. It seems very much that everybody opposing me seemed very focussed on the negative and the failures and this was blinding them to all the gains, growth and positives. I pretty much took any opportunity to squash their concerns and reassure them I have changed and I am a better parent for it and that I deserve the chance to show this. I felt quite disgusted about how my daughters carers turned on me at the end, just as they were about to leave. The husband gave me a nasty look and pointed directly at me and said “get this right!” and his wife said “bloody hell, the CYFS file is already this thick(motioning with her fingers the thickness), don’t go making it any thicker”. I am happy with the result. And when I told my fiance and he told our younger daughter and she was so excited, that made me even happier. As my children being together is the most important thing and their happiness makes me happy.

I did not expect my mood to dip down a bit after Friday, but I guess it is understandable. As all that was so emotionally taxing. By Friday evening I got home and wanted to just fall asleep on the lounge floor.

You just do not realise at the time, how hard it is to sit through a meeting from 10:30am – 3pm trying to keep it together and feeling like you are singlehandedly arguing your case and quite heavily responsible for the outcome. I am so glad that day is behind me.

I am aware this by no means does not mean CYFS are out of my life. I am quite sure they will be keeping a close eye on me.

My Nelson CYFS social worker and Family Start worker did a great job though of supporting me and putting across their faith in me and my capabilities. I think that helped a great deal too.

It was quite hard reading what my older daughter wrote about what she wanted and how she in fact wanted to stay living with her carers. Being told that by her on the Thursday night and reading that at the start of the meeting made me feel quite disheartened and was some of the reason I feared the outcome would not go in my favour.

I am SO glad that day is behind me and that I can finally feel hopeful and get excited that my daughter is coming home.

I have managed to be able to drop my Quetiapine back down to 50mgs, so I am happy about that.

That is all for now. It has been quite hard being able to get a decent blog post written without the internet at home. So thankfully the Nelson Library has free 60 minutes internet access for all members.

So, due to our debts unfortunately the internet has been cut off. Meaning I have way more spare time and for me that is not always a good thing. Especially if my mood is low. Which it has been a lot lately. It has been quite low for maybe 2 weeks. And this week it has been very very low. I have self harmed once and desired to more since then. I have felt a huge sense of despair and hopelessness. I have even felt suicidal at times. I keep feeling guilty and blaming myself for our struggles and money problems. I keep worrying about the FGC(family group conference) outcome next month. I have been feeling really down and sad about my oldest daughter still not living with. My motivation has been lacking hugely, as has my desire to socialise or leave the house. I have been not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. I have to be honest, been feeling like a huge burden. I do not like such feelings. They are quite concerning.

Part of this week I have just been so desperate to just get through the few days until the weekend. And that is pretty bad for me. I have felt like I can not handle anything and I want to go away. And I have been quite moody and emotional.

Being the analytical type, I am always trying to work out what triggered this downhill spiral. And though I may not necessarily have all the answers to that. I think some of the contributing factors are, boredom, meaning less distractions and more time to think, think, think. Drinking on a couple of occasions to try and alleviate my suffering and distract from parts of life I am unhappy with. Some of it is the real raw emotions coming out regarding my oldest daughter, the injustice of the CYFS(child, youth and family) and their input in my life. As I feel I just try and keep living and do not allow those feelings to surface much. Also, my father died on Guy Fawkes in 1981. So the week leading up to that is always hard. I do really miss him. And my granddad(his dad). My older sister gave me a toy truck that was my granddads and when I saw it I nearly bawled my eyes out.

Regrading my oldest daughter, I have increasingly been feeling like her carers have been trying to cut me out of her life. Which is very sad, as I asked them for more contact with her and regarding her. I called her on her birthday and it seems nearly all the presents I had given her on her early birthday when she was here, have disappeared. Her carers give my mother more contact with her and encourage that. But with me, it almost seems like they are trying to erase me. Which both angers me and hurts me. As I used to feel like they were on my side and now I feel like they are quite the opposite. Like, fuck, do all the Wellington lot forget I am her mother and I have been her full time parent since she was born?!

Man, how I so desperately want CYFS out of my life! I honestly feel that if they had become involved. Things would be so much better right now, in so many respects. And I honestly feel I would have recovered from last years severe depression and mental health struggles ages ago if they were not in my life.

I have been having sleep issues again and have been needing to take 100 mgs of Quetiapine, instead of 25-50 mgs a night and the other day I was having such a hard time failing asleep that I didn’t fall asleep til maybe 1:30am and felt very zombiefied for half that day.

Anyway I need to pick my younger daughter up from Kindy now. Thanks for reading

I have been noticing lately that my anxiety is increasing. It becomes evident in some simple day to day tasks. The task that has been highlighting it, has been hanging out the washing. You see our washing line is on the veranda and it is one of those pull out/retractable lines and one end of it is near the edge of the veranda. Which initially when we moved here would get my anxiety up when I would be hanging clothes up by the barrier. But that had stopped happening some time ago. So noticing in the last few days that it is provoking my anxiety has made me very aware my anxiety is unusually higher.

And I have noticed my mind playing tricks on me lately too. Such as interpreting words in my mind quite differently from the words on the calendar.

I think the approaching FGC(family group conference) review has a big part to play in these things. As I feel, though I am trying to avoid thinking about the approaching date. In the back of my mind I am very awaiting that date is slowly creeping closer. And that unnerves me and creates small moments of panic. It has most definitely had a negative effect on my sleep. As in the last few weeks. I have had to take as many as 9 x 25 mgs Quetiapine to get to sleep. And I had managed to get back down to 1-2 x 25 mgs Quetiapine previous to that. Which was great. So my minds ability to require more assistance and more medication, is not great. As the norm now seems to be 4-6 x 25 mgs Quetiapine and averaging most often 5 x 25 mgs Quetiapine. Earlier this week either 4 or 5 was just not working. So I ended up going into the lounge and eventually fell asleep on the couch. I most definitely have moments of secretly freaking out about not falling asleep at all and how detrimental to my mental health that would be.

There is still at least 2 weeks until the review and I am a tad worried about these increasing issues with anxiety and sleep.

Today I was feeling quite anxious and blunted. These things make me worry. As does the unknown. The unknown being the outcome of the FGC review. That makes me quite nervous.

The financial worries are not helping either. They make me feel quite overwhelmed and at times panicked.

My distress tolerance is not great either.

I am actually very grateful my fiancé is not working this week. As I am not sure how I would be coping without him.

I had best try get some sleep now though. As it is quite late.

Good Night.

Exposed

I was trying to think of a suitable title for this post, where I am going to be really honest.  Which makes me a bit vulnerable and I guess in essence it is exposing myself/my feelings.

I feel like, I should feel excited that my oldest daughter is coming down next weekend for 8 days.  But instead I find myself sitting here feeling like crying, feeling vulnerable.  I suspect that is because in the back of my mind I know this is the last time I will see her before the big CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review.  The big one meaning, it is the crucial one that decides where she will live for the foreseeable future.  Which is potentially until she is old enough to be able to decide for herself.  And I am really nervous about this review.  I am SO worried about it not going in my favour.

I consider how I have been portrayed with regards to my CYFS files.  I am very aware that the picture painted of me by the Wellington CYFS social worker and the epic failure of a CMH(community mental health) team in Porirua.  And they have portrayed me in a very negative light and paint a very dim, negative view of me.

I am aware of the person they describe me to be, or to have been, is not who I am or was.  But how the hell do I prove that?! I mean, I can not even get legal representation!  As clearly, the family lawyer read these CYFS files and has now formed a certain opinion of me, based on what she has read.  No matter that, that is not who I am.

I guess I was being a tad naive thinking that what I read in those files would not affect me.  Though at the time when I read them I was prepared for what I was about to read.  But I guess I have had a delayed reaction to it.

I have definitely been feeling a lot more anxious lately and I have been having some issues with sleep and have needed to take more Quetiapine on a few occasions to successfully get to sleep. ¬†And at night, not all nights, but definitely most nights, I have been thinking about my daughter and worrying and anticipating the possible outcome of the next FGC review. ¬†I am also worrying about the fact that our financial situation has definitely taken a dive in the wrong direction since she visited last and I worry about how she will feel about that. ¬†As I am very aware that the Wellington team aka her Father’s side of the family and her carers, spend a lot of money on her and she gets very spoiled. ¬†And also her Father’s side of the family are making every effort to undermine me with the use of their wealth and all the extra opportunities that brings.

Yes I know I am her Mother and she loves me to bits. ¬†But I am also aware of the sway money can have on such a young girl, who is very trusting and quite easily manipulated. ¬†As she would never even think that her Father’s side of the family are doing these things intentionally. ¬†She is naive at her age and very trusting. ¬†It is lovely she is trusting, but it worries me. ¬†As she would not know what manipulation looks like and I think it is cruel that any person who calls themselves family and truly loves a child would even stoop to this level. ¬†But I am very aware that they are quite capable of it.

It is not helped of course that her grandfather on her Father’s side has no respect for my parenting abilities and capabilities. As a CYFS carer in the past, foster parent and a Father to 2 children via adoption who are CYFS children from parents with significant mental illness and a further 2 adopted children. ¬†He is very aware of how the CYFS system works and how to manipulate the system to get his way. ¬†And also, he has this close minded idea about parents with mental illness due to this.

I am not in any way suggesting that all carers, foster parents and parents by adoption are like this.  As most often these parents are genuinely lovely, caring, compassionate people.

Argh!  The FGC review is still another 6 weeks away at least and I am already starting this cycle which I have lived through twice already.  The first time was with the first ever FGC and then the second was the first FGC review regarding my oldest daughter.  It is nothing new that when it comes to her I am extremely vulnerable and emotional.  She was my everything for 6 years.  And when I say my everything, I mean above anyone else, including myself, my family and my fiance.  And I was parenting her alone for the first 3 1/2 years of her life.  She is my reason for holding on.

So you would naturally question why anyone would think me an unfit parent and want to keep her from me and vice versa. The answer is, because they have it wrong.  They(CYFS) got their information from an extremely unreliable source(Porirua CMH)

The cycle I was referring to goes like this.  I start worrying, stressing, get anxious, start feeling on edge, I start feeling depressed, helpless, fearful and my sleep gets affected negatively.  I am not sure how to avoid this cycle.  As when it comes to her, I easily come undone.  I love her to bits.  She is special to me.  She was my first child and only child for a long time. And while my younger 2 children are equally important, they have always had their Father in their life, unlike her.

Though I know I am a loving and nurturing parent and I have most definitely improved as a parent due to having CYFS in my life.  All these negative opinions about me as a parent, despite them being untrue, have worn me down.  It is true, that if you hear a lie long enough, you start to almost believe it, despite in your heart knowing it is not true.  And that is what happens with me every so often.  As due to CYFS input in my life, I have definitely had my confidence knocked and I second guess myself and my ability to cope.  As all this negativity wears you down, despite how strong you are.  And I know I am strong and have been strong and I am aware I am a fighter and I have come SO far.  But oh how this is draining me in so many ways.  I feel broken on some level.  I feel the cracks starting to open.

Honestly, despite how very honest I am, I do still keep a lot in.  So this here is me laying it all out there.  This is me exposed.