Tag Archive: panic attacks


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

Thing’s have not been good this last week or so.

It seems my husband has totally stopped trying to make thing’s better between him and my oldest daughter. He is often not walking away and controlling his moods when he should. And he is reacting, instead of trying to remain calm and be an adult.

Last week both him and my oldest daughter were just at each other. Her pushing his buttons, him saying mean thing’s. I would tell her off if it was appropriate and try and keep thing’s calm.

This week has really been difficult. While I was out it seemed the tension between them continued and he told her to go to hell. Tonight he was being nasty to her and what I would consider a bully with what he said to her. I told him that was not on. Again I tried to keep the peace between them. And then he decides to act like an immature dick and suggest he was going to eat all the biscuits. My oldest daughter tried to take them off him and he started to psych out and tried to intimidate her. I told him that he needed to stop that and that his behaviour is not ok. Then he totally psyched out, threw his coffee and cup at the floor and the container of biscuits and swore his head off and tried to kick off the safety gate and pissed off for about an hour. Earlier in the day I had told him his behaviour was disgusting when my oldest daughter asked him an important question and he totally ignored her and did not reply.

On the weekend the tensions between them just got too much for me and not only that, but he also started taking shit out on me and being a prick to me. So I told him that is not on and you do not talk to me like that and that is not ok. And I ended up going into the bedroom and bawling my eyes out and having a panic attack.

He decided to give me shit on the weekend also about going to town on Saturday night with my best friend.

Seriously, it should not be my problem that he has no friend’s. Why the hell should I bare the brunt of his shortcomings?!

Both my friend and I really needed that night off.

I feel like my husband is emotionally distant and that he has no regard for my feelings currently and how thing’s effect me and what might be going on for me.

Marriage should not be like this.

I am having an extremely hard time just getting through the last few weeks. I am extremely fragile emotionally and mentally at the moment.

I am depressed that is for certain and my anxiety levels are high.

I am extremely worried about the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review that is in 6 days.

I am extremely fearful that the outcome is extremely unlikely to go in my favour and considering recent events, I can totally understand why that is a strong possibility.

I have been the best Mum I can be to my oldest daughter and I have fought extremely hard to have her with me. I do know with all my heart, that the absolute truth is that I have not failed her as a Mother. I know she loves me unconditionally and deeply and I cherish that. And she is my all. She has and always will be my number 1 and she holds the hugest part of my heart. She is special to me.

What is true, is that my husband has failed her. And he has had sufficient time and opportunities to step up and change. I said to him on the weekend that all those years back when I gave him a book about step parenting which was perfect for the situation, if he had read it instead of leaving it gathering dust on his computer desk for the next 6 months, at least that would have been something.

I am angry and disappointed about this. As, the way I see it ultimately is, he is what has tipped the scales so strongly in the other direction.

He could have tried harder and he could have done much more.

How will I move on from this? I just can not see how.

I am dreading the fact that I will more then likely have my heart ripped out by the decision next Tuesday.

I am very concerned about how I will react. I am worried I might psych out.

At the end of the day I really do not know how I will react. I am thinking the emotions might be the following, despair, distress, anger, rage, hate and resentment.

The other night after the tensions between my oldest daughter and husband. I really wanted to cut my wrists up. Tonight I had a fleeting feeling of desire to cut my wrists.

I am not good at the moment. Really, really not good. I am so very fragile and broken. I hate this.

I do not want to be the one not bringing up my precious daughter.

I am going to miss so much if she’s not here. Like her first boyfriend and her developing into a young lady and maturing. I will miss those precious milestones and I do not want to miss a thing.

I am just so sad right now.

That is all for now. As my sleep medication is kicking in more and I am having trouble with concentrating on the screen.

October. It is a month that has a few significant things going on.

Presently my oldest daughter is here for 10 days of the school holidays and she goes back to Wellington on the 7th. And as she will be in Wellington for her 11th birthday, we are celebrating it tomorrow, since she is here. So she turns 11 on the 20th and sadly she will not be here for that, which is hard and then on the 31st I have the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review and it is the big one. As it is the one that decides where she will be living long term. And naturally that fact has been playing on my mind a lot.

It does keep me awake at night, so I am having to take more Quetiapine.

What is concerning me and playing on my mind the most is, that I will not have anyone physically there with me who supports me and that is worrying me a lot.

As who will be there if it doesn’t go my way, to support me, comfort me and calm me down.

I was thinking tonight about how close the 7th and how my daughters time down here is going so fast. And I felt quite saddened by that. As I was aware that it will be the last time I see her before the FGC review. So it will be extra hard saying goodbye to her at the airport. But, her time here and gone really well, almost effortlessly. Though honestly, her and my 1 year old are the easier of my 3 kids. But it is reassuring looking at how well it has all been going. And she has even made a new friend her age. As my 4 year old has a best friend who has an older brother and he is my older daughters new friend. And if she does come down to live soon, he will be at the same intermediate.

Ok, I am really sleepy, as my 3 Quetiapine have kicked in. So I will need to finish this post tomorrow.

Right, had a good sleep. Back to finish my post.

Today went well. We had my daughters early birthday party and we had a few people over. The cake turned out really well. She liked her presents.

I had a friend in need of my support yesterday afternoon. He was having quite a severe panic attack, so needed a good friend with him. When I went and saw him, I saw how he was in quite a panicked state and remembered having that same feeling of panic and being that overwhelmed myself last year.

The friends I have either reconnected with or made here in Nelson are really great. Though I miss my 2 good friends in Wellington.

I have a really good social worker at Mental Health here, which is great. And the Nelson CYFS social worker I have been assigned is really lovely and her, as well as my Family Start worker both are happy with my parenting and have no concerns, which is great news.

I have requested my files from both Porirua and Lower Hutt Community Mental Health. So hopefully I receive then before the FGC review.

My medical certificate for WINZ(work and income) says I have Emotional Dysfunction and BPD(borderline personality disorder) So it will be interesting to see what all my files say.

I love how normal and pleasant it feels to have all my kids here. Even my dreams seem to normalise. So it is hard when my older daughter goes back to Wellington.

I recently got my lip pierced on the right of my mouth. I find the long barbel or whatever it’s called, rather annoying. But it apparently has to be longer to allow for swelling, which I haven’t had a lot of. I’m hoping to put a small ring in once I’m allowed to change it. I figure it will be more snug and avoid issues with eating and such. I also changed my hair colour. It is a Live XXL Ultra Brights Purple. It actually looks really good.

Being the Ed Hardy addict I am. When I saw an awesome pink Ed Hardy singlet in a preloved clothing store, I had to go in. And it was my size and only $10. So naturally I brought it.

I watch ‘Malificent’ last night. Loved it!

It’s my favourite day of the week for my favourite TV programme ‘The Block NZ’. As on Friday they do the room reveal.

I’m sure there was actually plenty I had to blog amount, but have since forgotten.

I have sorted things out with my older sister and apologised for some hurtful things I had written. I think it was a long overdue and needed conversation. As we have not always got on wonderfully. But it gave us the opportunity to have a really good chat. So I am hoping things will be better between us from now on. I feel some of my issue was mostly around the CYFS business. Also we haven’t been very close for a lot of our adult lives and hadn’t had many opportunities to grow our relationship.

I will try post a photo of the cake I made if I can from my mobile.

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Managing Anxiety

Managing Anxiety and Panic

It’s been a few weeks since I posted last and not much has changed regarding stress, lack of support and my mental health. Except my mental health is worse.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started getting even worse. But worse is what it got. I self-harmed more harshly then usual and started self-harming on my inner arm, which is somewhere I have not self-harmed before. Just a few days ago, I wanted to slash my arm open. But I did not act on that.

Some time in the last 2 weeks I started going extremely downhill. And it got to it’s worse last Friday. I just woke up in despair and I can’t recall if that was the day I self-harmed or whether it was earlier last week. I had taken an overdose of my old antidepressants(Mirtazapine) and Lorazepam on the previous Sunday night. Not caring about the outcome. So it was partially a possible suicide attempt. I took 6 Mirtazapine and 2 Lorazepam. And the next night, I took 8 Mirtazapine and a few nights later 4 Mirtazapine.

I knew I was in a really bad place, as when I was extremely drunk last Thursday night, I was drawing very dark things and words. Things like ‘RAGE’, ‘I want to be loved, but I don’t deserve to be loved’ and pictures showing I’m really not ok. I was also being really mean to my fiance that night. Calling him a loser and being nasty. Though I did apologize and was totally honest with him about where I am at with my mental health and explained my motivation for calling him a loser.

I knew I needed to seek help a.s.a.p when I had a fleeting thought, that maybe I should go sit in the corner of the yard and kill myself. This was a flashing red light and warning sign to me, that I was really not ok. So, being that I’d not been taken seriously by mental health, even with them knowing about the overdose, I called the hospital and asked to talk to the CATT(crisis assessment treatment team) and told them everything. They asked me to come into the ED(emergency department) and get assessed by them. Which I did and they offered me respite. They wanted me to be there for 5 days, but unfortunately I could only stay 2 nights, due to appointments my fiance needed to be at this week and me being the one with the full license.

I found it upsetting that when I came home to get some stuff for my stay in respite, that he insinuated he didn’t see the point in me going to respite and made me feel like it wasn’t ok by him, for me to go. And I responded by crying and saying “I finally do the right thing, after trying to remain strong for SO long and I need to put my mental health first and I feel like you are telling me that’s not ok”. And he responded by saying, it’s not like I told him when I left for the assessment I might end up going to respite. And I told him, I didn’t know I would be offered that option, as I was so used to not being taken seriously and not being offered the help I need.

The staff from the CATT team and respite were really supportive and compassionate, which was good. I did feel at a loss of things to do to occupy my time there, especially during the day. So I baked a cake and then organized all the magazines into what magazine they were, how good the magazine was, week, month and year order. And then which was most relevant and helpful. I did similar with the books.

I have still been struggling since I came home. I feel like my fiance’s parents really don’t care. As when I told my fiance’s mum I had just come home from respite, she didn’t respond by offering more support.

Things haven’t been overly good with my relationship since coming home. A few days ago, when I was expressing my enthusiasm about moving to Nelson at some point and how that will help at least a little with my mental health and be really good, because I will have my family around me. And reminding my fiance, that just because I am at home, it doesn’t mean I’m all better and that I didn’t have the choice to stay in respite for as long as was needed and how I was unhappy about the afternoon I got home from respite, that he pretty much abandoned me. Left me in the lounge with my youngest daughter and his mum and her friend and he spent the rest of the day gaming. And he responded by saying “maybe you should just move to Nelson then, as that will be better for everyone. I(my fiance) could be a single Dad and financially I’d be better off. And you(me) could go get your head right and maybe even get a job”.

This really upset me. And started affecting my sleep, as significant stresses tend to do. As I would be worrying at night, if he wanted me gone and also worrying about our lack of money. Part of me being extremely distressed last Friday, was also about the money issues and me being consumed with worry about not having enough money for food and it just overwhelmed me so much, that I could not cope any more.

What I hate, is how a few days later, he acts as if all that didn’t happen and doesn’t seem to get how upsetting it was for me, him saying all that and how that effects me. He’s like “I’ve already forgotten about it, it’s in the past”.

I finally met my CMH(community mental health) nurse and social worker yesterday. But their visit was purely to get my background. Not an appointment of any help regarding my current mental health state. So that was an hour or so of questions and next week I have my first appointment with the CMH Psychiatrist, which also involves the social worker and community nurse and that’s 90 minutes long. I’m hoping in this assessment I can discuss a possible assessment of whether I have PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) But on the progress side of things, they want me to attend a 6 week, CBT(cognative behavioural therapy) and DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) group therapy. Which starts next week. And once that is finished, they will assess whether there is still a need for one to one therapy.

I’m still suffering from hyper vigilance, hyper arousal, anxiety and panic.

I have been having issues with my not so great trait, of picking at my skin and my arms are really sore, sensitive and inflamed because of this. My poor skin.

The Open Home Foundation lady who works with us came over yesterday. It seems someone has been telling on me to CYFS(child, youth and family) and not always telling an accurate portrayal of facts. Such as, the time I went to Nelson for a few days to visit my family. Which was totally planned and I kept everyone informed about it. And someone has passed on that I have been to Nelson, but passed it on insinuating I bolted to Nelson, without informing anyone or without planning. Which is so the opposite to the truth. Someone has also told on me, about last month, when I actually tried to bolt to Nelson, with my youngest daughter. That I acknowledged as true, as it was. But I informed the Open Home Foundation lady, that the facts were very wrong about when I visited Nelson in December.

So, she has talked to my fiance’s family and they have responded, with what I see, as excuse after excuse. His sister saying, she has her own life and a teenage son at home now and money issues. Which I am fine with, as she has kept us informed and helped when she could. His Mum’s excuses were petrol(which didn’t need to be an issue, as we could drop the kids there and pick them up), apparent sickness and a claim that I don’t like her, as well as a few other excuses. To me, it’s just excuses. As I don’t see why she would say I don’t get along with her, when I actually talk openly with her and tell her if I’m not doing so well. But gee, knowing I am having such a hard time, I would think that would encourage more support, not less. I think that my fiance’s parents just take things out of context. So, for example, if I’m being particularly quiet and anti-social, they take that to mean I don’t like them or don’t want them there. When in fact, it’s because I am not coping well, am severely depressed and feeling quite anxious.

All these recent facts, as well as feeling distressed, stressed, worried about my relationship and feeling unsupported and unwell mentally, is contributing to my mental health getting worse. And is making me miss my family even more.

It’s really hard to stay strong all of the time. I have put on a brave face, tried my best to hold it together, tried so hard to stay strong. But there is only so much I can handle without the support I need and no therapy at all. So it’s not all that surprising I get to a point eventually where I’m just broken.

My fiance insinuated about 10 minutes ago, that I’m selfish, because I wanted to finish writing in here, instead of making tea. I responded by saying “man, I just can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do, I’m always apparently in the wrong”. Fact is, he can make tea and I do all the housework and he, unlike me, has had a huge nap today during the day, whereas I haven’t.

Anyway, that’s all I have to write for today. So yeah, that’s where I am at and thank you for reading 🙂

Big changes

So, I have a FGC(family group conference) coming up through CYFS(child, youth & family) this Thursday. I am pretty anxious about it. As when I talked to the social worker from there last week, she said they want to take our youngest 2 off us and send them to live with my sister. Which they are not allowed to say, as the FGC is to get together and make a plan regarding all the children. So it’s against the whole meaning of the meeting to suggest that. A few people have suggested they might just be trying to scare us.

As you could probably imagine, being told this has me feeling really upset and is tearing me to pieces. My children are my reason for living and they reason I have sought help, instead of ending my life when I felt suicidal. Calling for help was about caring for and protecting my children. And CYFS are ultimately about care and protection of the children.

They are using my mental health against me and any past mistakes against me. They don’t seem to be acknowledging all the positive things. They are suggesting that I have been neglecting my oldest daughter since she was 2. Which is just so far from the truth. They are suggesting her developmental delay, which was due to glue ear, is only partly that and that I am half the reason. They are saying things that are just not true! Like that she was exposed to too much technology growing up. Which is untrue. She never used a computer until she was 6 and she on occasion watched dvds. It’s hard enough they don’t want her living with me full time and I can’t imagine she feels too happy about that either. Her Dad wants to have her full time, but CYFS will not consider that until he has over time proven himself to be a capable parent. They are using his mental health against him too.

The shitty thing is, why are they focusing on us, who are loving and caring parents and nit picking about trivial things, when there are kids out there actually being abused or neglected?! As our kids are neither. It’s like, due to their failings in the past and kids being neglected, abused and killed and CYFS not taking action in those circumstances, they have tightened the reins way too much and are overreacting. As if you based declines in mental health, dark thoughts and imperfect parenting as a reason for taking people’s children away, so many of us would not have our children. As no parent is perfect and we learn as we go and yes, we do makes mistakes. We are human and humans are imperfect.

They want us to move to Nelson, to be closer to my family, which means more support with our parenting. And that is a huge thing to do. But for the sake of our children we will do that. But the hard part is, that I would have to leave my oldest here in Wellington. Though she has her Dad and his family and great support here. Which is great. But she is my first child and was my only child for 6 years. It is tearing me up the thought of leaving her and how she will feel about it. As she just wants to live with a parent, either her Dad or I. But CYFS say no and want her remaining with the carer she is living with currently. It will leave a huge hole in my heart leaving her behind. Though I will see her in the holidays. My youngest daughter finds it very upsetting that her big sister isn’t here and is really sad when she visits and then has to go again. She misses her big sister.

Moving to Nelson means leaving all my friends behind and it’s not cheap either. Not only is there the cost of moving the furniture, but there’s the cost of actually getting us there and then there is the how of finding somewhere to live.

I’ll be honest, I have self-harmed once since talking to the social worker last week and I having been struggling with the desire to do it again, but thankfully I have not. As I feel to blame for all this, like it’s all my fault and the self-harm was about punishing myself and an outlet for my intense emotions. As I feel like, if I hadn’t got so sick mentally, this wouldn’t all be happening. I have been having panic attacks nearly every night and am having trouble getting to sleep, due to all the thoughts going around in my head. I feel very anxious about this big change. It scares the crap out of me. I haven’t moved islands since 2004. Except for a brief 3 weeks back in 2006. All this is very distressing. The social worker seems convinced I will have a relapse in my mental health, though there is no evidence to support that. I have been getting better, not getting worse. She is using my unwellness and my lack of being able to be as emotionally connected as would be ideal and my inability to do practical things for my toddler, back when I was really unwell against me. I mean come on, I was not functioning back then and it’s not abnormal for these issues when someone is distressed that severely. But I think I have done pretty well considering I have had no therapy at all. And that is vital to my recovery. I have done pretty well in the ways I have improved with antidepressants. And we know that alone is not a fix. I am doing really well with regards to my baby. I actually have a bond with him now and interact with him. Which is a huge improvement from last month.

So yeah, that’s where things are at currently. I am just trying to keep myself as calm as possible. As I had been quite distraught and crying a lot after what the social worker said last week.

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancĂ© and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancĂ© had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancĂ©’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancĂ© to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancĂ© said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

So it’s been a while since I wrote in here last.

Well a few weeks back I kind of lost the plot. I was sleep deprived and it came to 1pm, after being awake since just after 3am and I could no longer cope. It started with tears streaming down my face and turned into feeling really angry and enraged. Provoked by baby refusing to stay asleep, as he was really tired and my toddler just doing little things that made me angry. I started acting strange and was trying to pull my hair out, which thankfully I didn’t succeed at and then smacking myself on the forehead with my palm, over and over. I then text my fiancĂ© and asked him to come home. And while waiting for him to get home I got a phone call from a paediatrician and she could tell I was upset so she asked me what was up, so I told her and she urged me to call the Mental Health Crisis line asap. Which I did. And as a result another cyfs referral was made, due to me clearly not coping and I had a visit from some people from Community Mental Health the next day and they called me later and asked me if some home help 9-5 during the week would help and I said yes. So the started on Friday a few weeks ago. Not sure if I mentioned before, but I also have home help from a different agency for 2 hrs, 3 days a week. Though that wasn’t enough for me, as I was really not coping at home with my baby and toddler. So I’ve have a support worker here last week and this week. Different person last week from this week. But really lovely women both of them.

Antidepressant still hasn’t taken effect and it’s been upped 3 times. At the last review where I saw Psychiatrist, I voiced that I felt this one isn’t working, so they just upped it and said they’d review in a few weeks. Which isn’t til next Wednesday. I’d rather them take me off this one and put me back on Venlafaxine(effexor), as that has worked in the past. And I am so over feeling like this.

Don’t much like my case manager, he’s all about strategies and not really listening to my wants and needs I feel. He wants to ease off with the home help and I expressed to him that I’m not ready for that and that makes me feel anxious about next week. But he’s not backing down.

Had a bit of a panic attack on the way to pick up my fiancé, as he wanted to go to the mall. Went to the mall, felt anxious, but I survived.

Had a meeting with cyfs last week and they agreed I need more support at home. Got a bit emotional after answering all their questions and was crying by the end of meeting.

Talking to support worker yesterday, she suggested maybe I could do a job like that one day. As who better to understand and support, then those who have been through it.

Sleep Issues

So I have mentioned I think a few times in the previous few posts about sleep issues.

Initially they gave me Zopiclone to help with sleep in the week before I went downhill and ended up in hospital. And that did help at first. But as things got worse with my mental health and I developed Hyper Arousal, which can best be described as being on high alert all the time. Which is not helpful for getting sleep!

So I would pretty much get to sleep at some point, with the aid of Zopiclone or Lorazepam, but not stay asleep. So often I was only getting maybe 2-3 hours sleep a night and that was at the ward or at respite. And when I came home, I had 1 Zopiclone left and was given Promethazine to help with my sleep. And one night in desperation to get some sleep, I took both of them and still I only got maybe 2 hrs sleep if that. And ended up taking a Lorazepam in the morning, to get at least some sleep, though I think that was only 1 hour or just over.

I recall on at least 2 occasions, waking to a panic attack, due to inability to fall asleep and another time, waking up to my body shaking, due to not being able to have a simple nap.

Man it sucks having this issue. Not helpful for the mental health and the day to day life as a Mum. Last night I managed a few more hours sleep I believe, but that was due to exhaustion, from weeks of hardly any sleep. I hope tonight sleep goes better again. I am over laying in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come, to no avail.

Good night. Off to bed now.