Tag Archive: insensitive people


I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

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It’s great when you learn something new.  Yeah it’s slightly embarrassing when it’s something that in reality makes sense, but you hadn’t clicked to the particular fact yet.

Off the subject. Man, it’s so much easier to write my post on my android mobile. I was rather excited when I got an email from WordPress telling my it’s now available for Android. Of course I totally had to download it.

Anyway, back to my post. So I was under the impression that if I stuck to between 1400-1600 calories per day, I’d lose weight, no matter what I ate. I thought, well if it’s all up under 1600, then I can eat whatever.  I felt quite silly and embarrassed when I found out this wasn’t the case. But may I add, the few people who informed me about how wrong I was, didn’t need to be friggen rude about telling me I was wrong.  Nor should they have given me shit for what I had been eating.  I mean, come on, clearly I felt silly when I realized this simple fact, but they didn’t need to be bitches about it!

I can almost certainly guarantee, I’m not the only person who thought the same (about the eating whatever under 1600 calories I mean)  Gosh there are some insensitive people online!

So yeah, now I know the correct facts, I know I should do my best to avoid the junk.

I’ve been pretty good with the healthy eating since I learnt this truth. And yay, the scales rewarded me!  I’m now sitting on 60 kgs, which makes me feel more positive.  And yeah, I know my happiness shouldn’t be so tied in with my weight, body or dress size.  That’s something I have to work on.  I think where it comes from is, firstly, spending a huge chunk of my life as a very slim female, who never had to worry about her weight or her diet.  Having to be mindful of what I eat has always been hard for me, since my metabolism became my enemy back in 1999.

Firstly when this happened and I had a prick for a boyfriend, who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t for 2 years, I developed Bulimia.  Which I guess, isn’t surprising, when your dick of a boyfriend tells you you’re fat for 2 years!  If you are told something enough and you have low self esteem, you’ll eventually start to believe it.  Fact is, I wasn’t overweight, but, yes, I guess I did gain some weight in those 2 years.  About 12 kgs.  But how was I to know my metabolism was slowing down and I could no longer eat what I liked.  The weight went on rather fast.  So I eventually discovered I didn’t have super awesome metabolism anymore. 

I did eventually leave that prick of a boyfriend and after about a year, totally stopped binging and purging.  But I found adding weight and expanding in my first pregnancy, very hard to handle.  I did want to purge on several occasions, but thankfully never did.

I lost the baby weight from that pregnancy quite fast, so for a good few years, my weight wasn’t an issue. 

Unfortunately, that always seems to be the case when I’m single.  I’m quite good at remaining slim.  So when I get into a long term relationship, I always seem to gain weight.  Well … that’s what I always thought.  I’ve now worked out it’s because I wasn’t on contraception when I was single.  Just used condoms.  So whenever I get into a long term relationship, I go back on contraception and gain weight.  Though, it never helps your efforts to stay healthy when your partner buys and eats the unhealthy stuff.

So yeah, I’m kind of not used to requiring this much discipline and needing to watch what I eat.  So sometimes I just go fuck it and give up on being sensible for short bursts and that sabotages my weight loss.  I’m trying my best to break this bad habit.  There’s always this part of me, packing a tantrum and saying to myself “it’s not fair!  I should be able to eat whatever I like and stay slim!”  And yeah, I have major envy of people I know who have that luxury. 

I’m so used to putting things in the ‘too hard basket’ and giving up.  So actually sticking at this whole weight loss thing for so long, is very different for me.  So I do encounter some resistance from myself during  this journey.

The other reason I’m such a hardout about getting to my goal weight and fitting my clothes is about health.  When I weigh more, I’m generally less fit, less active and don’t feel at my best.  So what I see in the mirror when I’ve gained a few sizes, is evidence of my bad choices and what I see, is not a healthy body.  I just see the fat, as unhealthy.  So yeah, I’m not happy if I don’t look and feel healthy.

Also, when I’m feeling so down about my body, it’s just a symptom of something deeper going on.  It’s just the presenting symptom of the underlying issues.  That’s why I lose the plot and get quite depressed. 

For me it’s generally because I’ve come to breaking point, due to several other issues.  Which can vary in the combination.  Generally it’s stuff like, low energy, difficult children, not enough ‘me’ time, not enough socializing, bad eating, little or no exercise, consistently bad weather, too much time indoors and well, PMS is never my friend either.  Some of those things I can control and some I can’t.  It seems, if I’ve spent too much time in this downward spiral of depression, it’s much harder to find my way out of it. 

I know being on contraception never helps.  But I’d prefer my partner to be in agreement, if I were to get my tubes tied.  As, all other non-hormonal contraceptives are unfortunately not an option for me. 

I just want to say, if I appear to be excessively moody, snappy or bitchy, I’ve usually got PMS or my period.  So please don’t take offense if I’m harsh or snappy.  As I have trouble controlling my emotions during those times.  Seems they tend to have more control over me then I do at those times. 

That’s all.  I’m now very tired.  Must sleep.