This Year has been A LOT!

Where to even start. As it has been so damn long since I lasted blogged

Still going through a lot myself at the moment. As my partner broke up with me about 6 weeks ago and that has not been easy

There’s been a few stresses this year

We had an alcoholic flatmate who definiely outstayed his welcome and did cause a fair bit of tension. During lockdown he had a clash with my now ex partner, which resulted in my ex going to stay elsewhere for a significant amount of lockdown. And I was left stuck here with the flatmate which I hated

We had broken up briefly earlier this year, but we managed to make things work again

I can already feel my emotions starting to rise up just mentioning the break up

There were periods where I used unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I decided a few months back to sort myself out and start seeing a therapist. As I was over being a shit person and making stupid decisions and being left hating myself for it

I definitely struggled with the stress of not having my partner around for quite a few periods this year. With all the stresses of this year I really missed him when he was away from home

I found the lead up to Xmas really hard. As he left me on the 11th November. And I have been through a lot emotionally since he left. He broke my heart for sure and it still hurts. I feel like the coping changes, but not the feelings. I don’t miss him any less now then I did when he broke up with me

I felt pretty suicidal the days after he left. I pretty much just ignored the world for most of the first week and wouldn’t answer calls and mostly kept my phone turned off

I feel like noone could ever replace the way he made me feel or even come close to what we had

Yeah, I feel pretty lost without him

He had a fair amount of stresses himself this year. With has dad having cancer, him being diagnosed with Adult ADD, Alcoholic flatmate and needy, co-dependant me

The thing that shocked me, is how suddenly it ended and the fact I felt we had been going well in our relationship. I was going to therapy to get my head sorted, I was making sure I put time aside and made time for us, I cooked dinner even when I didn’t feel like it, I made him a cup of tea every morning without being asked. I was showing up for once and part of our team. I was even doing better with my business and record keeping

But it seemed I pushed too much on the day things ended and I wasn’t respectful and I was insensitive and did not give him the space he needed

Yeah, I get needy and irrational sometimes!

I also decided to stop taking my antidepressants a few weeks back, so that’s been pretty intense. Makes me realise just how many emotions I have and how sensitive I am to even little things

I did plan to get off them at some point. But I didn’t realise how much they were numbing me until I dropped the dose down to half. I appreciated the clarity it gave me having less in my system. I definitely noticed I had more energy too.

But damn! So many emotions and so intense!

I came to a lot of realisations about a lot of things just messaging with my ex and also exploring my thoughts in my diary

I definitely have unresolved issues from years back. Things like the way ex’s before him treated me, the major depressive episode after having Dylan, CYFS input in my life and how that effected my confidence as a parent and how some of the ways I was treated in previous relationships, I seemed to bring some of that behaviour into my relationship with my most recent ex

It’s amazing/shocking how you can be doing this and not even realise it

My moods and such were described as (when I was still on my full dose of antidepressants) meh, flat, dull, melancholy and I feel I was very much on auto-pilot for many years and simply existing, not really living

I also feel as if I had a second personality that has been living my life for many years, instead of me. Like it served the purpose of protecting me, but then still stayed when I no longer needed protection and just continued to do damage long past it’s expiry

My ex accused me of being quite inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. And maybe that is accurate. The thing is, it very much seems to be in the way in which my brain is wired and how BPD works. So clearly my emotions become very all consuming when they are present and I guess I can be seen as not observing or considering other peoples feelings

I know I was guilty of not knowing how to have a healthy, normal relationship. Fact is, I met him when I was not looking for a partner and then we just clicked and became something more then just sex and I’ve been trying to work it all out as I go along. As to be fair, I don’t know when I ever had a normal, healthy relationship

This whole living by myself that was suddenly thrust upon me has been hard. I miss the cuddles so much

Granted, maybe there is someone out there that could treat me just as well. But Wez is special to me because of what I have been through with him by my side. And how many people can really peak and hold my interest? None before him I know that much

Honestly, if I saw him with someone else, it would so break me and it’s not about anything I feel I’m lacking, I just thought we were forever and I would be with him for the rest of my life, so this current reality is hard to bear

In any way that he lacks, I can just see past that, because I love him

My feelings don’t change, just coping changes. But I so easily get triggered and tearful and just end up missing him like crazy

This has all been very difficult alone. The emotional ups and downs, the varying moods, the intense loneliness and not having someone there to talk to is hard

I feel like my friends and family very much dropped the support for me very fast. And when people do not give you permission to grieve at your own pace, that just sux. This is my journey, don’t try and steer my ship in the direction you think best. That is not support. Support is standing along side me and being ok with wherever I am at in my journey

I listened to a great audiobook when I was in respite that helped me feel at peace with my journey and where I am at, it’s called Unfuck Your Brain. It goes over things from a psychological perspective, as well as a scientific perspective. It was really validating

I’m sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I’m having a mind blank at the moment, so I will just leave it at this

Thanks for reading

The Spaces in Between

The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

So many stories, so much loss

The pain and grief

So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

The Whirlwind That is My Life

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

Not a fan of my life right now

Thing’s have not been good this last week or so.

It seems my husband has totally stopped trying to make thing’s better between him and my oldest daughter. He is often not walking away and controlling his moods when he should. And he is reacting, instead of trying to remain calm and be an adult.

Last week both him and my oldest daughter were just at each other. Her pushing his buttons, him saying mean thing’s. I would tell her off if it was appropriate and try and keep thing’s calm.

This week has really been difficult. While I was out it seemed the tension between them continued and he told her to go to hell. Tonight he was being nasty to her and what I would consider a bully with what he said to her. I told him that was not on. Again I tried to keep the peace between them. And then he decides to act like an immature dick and suggest he was going to eat all the biscuits. My oldest daughter tried to take them off him and he started to psych out and tried to intimidate her. I told him that he needed to stop that and that his behaviour is not ok. Then he totally psyched out, threw his coffee and cup at the floor and the container of biscuits and swore his head off and tried to kick off the safety gate and pissed off for about an hour. Earlier in the day I had told him his behaviour was disgusting when my oldest daughter asked him an important question and he totally ignored her and did not reply.

On the weekend the tensions between them just got too much for me and not only that, but he also started taking shit out on me and being a prick to me. So I told him that is not on and you do not talk to me like that and that is not ok. And I ended up going into the bedroom and bawling my eyes out and having a panic attack.

He decided to give me shit on the weekend also about going to town on Saturday night with my best friend.

Seriously, it should not be my problem that he has no friend’s. Why the hell should I bare the brunt of his shortcomings?!

Both my friend and I really needed that night off.

I feel like my husband is emotionally distant and that he has no regard for my feelings currently and how thing’s effect me and what might be going on for me.

Marriage should not be like this.

I am having an extremely hard time just getting through the last few weeks. I am extremely fragile emotionally and mentally at the moment.

I am depressed that is for certain and my anxiety levels are high.

I am extremely worried about the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review that is in 6 days.

I am extremely fearful that the outcome is extremely unlikely to go in my favour and considering recent events, I can totally understand why that is a strong possibility.

I have been the best Mum I can be to my oldest daughter and I have fought extremely hard to have her with me. I do know with all my heart, that the absolute truth is that I have not failed her as a Mother. I know she loves me unconditionally and deeply and I cherish that. And she is my all. She has and always will be my number 1 and she holds the hugest part of my heart. She is special to me.

What is true, is that my husband has failed her. And he has had sufficient time and opportunities to step up and change. I said to him on the weekend that all those years back when I gave him a book about step parenting which was perfect for the situation, if he had read it instead of leaving it gathering dust on his computer desk for the next 6 months, at least that would have been something.

I am angry and disappointed about this. As, the way I see it ultimately is, he is what has tipped the scales so strongly in the other direction.

He could have tried harder and he could have done much more.

How will I move on from this? I just can not see how.

I am dreading the fact that I will more then likely have my heart ripped out by the decision next Tuesday.

I am very concerned about how I will react. I am worried I might psych out.

At the end of the day I really do not know how I will react. I am thinking the emotions might be the following, despair, distress, anger, rage, hate and resentment.

The other night after the tensions between my oldest daughter and husband. I really wanted to cut my wrists up. Tonight I had a fleeting feeling of desire to cut my wrists.

I am not good at the moment. Really, really not good. I am so very fragile and broken. I hate this.

I do not want to be the one not bringing up my precious daughter.

I am going to miss so much if she’s not here. Like her first boyfriend and her developing into a young lady and maturing. I will miss those precious milestones and I do not want to miss a thing.

I am just so sad right now.

That is all for now. As my sleep medication is kicking in more and I am having trouble with concentrating on the screen.

Recovery….Relapse

Recovery. Is it actually supposed to be possible when you have not had any talking/one to one therapy? Seems like the likes of Community Mental Health must think so. Not sure which planet they are on, but I would tend to think they are pretty damn naive to think so.

I mean, really…how the hell can I have a realistic chance of recovery without any talking/one to one therapy? The issues that led to my ‘major depressive episode’ in August 2013 have never been resolved or worked through. All that has ever happened the way I perceive it is, talking about the fact I had this episode, sought help, went for a stay in the psych ward, had some respite and check in’s every so many weeks with a Community Mental Health Psychiatrist every so often.

Telling my story doesn’t really help that much. I find myself just feeling detached and desensitized while telling my story to whomever. It is much the same feeling when I am talking to anyone about how grief and deaths of loved one’s is effecting me. I guess that could be a coping mechanism.

I know I need to get grief counselling. But I am damn scared about the idea of actually talking about and exploring the feelings and emotions associated with my grief and the events. It’s like I just push away the real raw feelings, as they hurt too damn much.

I am still really not coping well with stress. I am not coping well with the children. As I get stressed out and highly anxious really fast. So if the younger 2 are being whingy I can’t handle it. If my 5 year old and 11 year old push my buttons or ignore me and cause me stress, I can’t cope with that. And having to pick them both up from school by myself most of the time lately is hard for me. Yesterday my 5 year old wouldn’t come when I was trying leave school with her and she kept running away and being difficult. I could see some of the judgy, less compassionate Mum’s watching me, which didn’t help my anxiety or coping abilities. I think I did well to only let out a quiet “for fuck’s sake” as a response to my anxiety and stress.

My nearly 2 year old has been rather whingy in the mornings lately. As, in the 10 minutes while my fiance is taking our 5 year old into school and I am waiting in the car with him(my nearly 2 year old), he just whinges and I find it highly distressing and if I get grumpy and tell him to be quiet, he cries and then I feel like crap for making him upset.

In my mind lately, I am screaming in desperation. And internally I am often freaking the hell out. I am highly irritable and I am hating this. I get worried about how much I can handle and if I might just snap. Yesterday I found myself feeling somewhat numb and somewhat detached. And I hate how fast my mood can change. As I might go visit someone or have someone visit or do something pleasant and I will feel kind of level and then once that is over, I start feeling the effect of my depression, anxiety and grief. Suddenly I go from coping, to really not okay.

I can not handle the idea or thought of my fiance going back to work. And thankfully he has seen this and isn’t seeking work right now.

I find myself feeling really upset and angry when he just disappears downstairs and gets on his computer for hours or even half an hour and I just want to rage at him.

Rage, distress, despair, anxiety, fear, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, stress, are a list of the feelings I experience quite regularly.

My lack of weight loss is depressing me and frustrating me. I am actually being healthy about my diet and food intake. Diet wise, I am doing all the right things. And diet is quite a big factor with weight loss. So it is beyond me why I can not seem to lose any more then 2kgs. It just seems to come off slowly and then creep back on. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or hate my body, but I do hate my body. It grosses me out. I do not like how my body looks. And I am stumped as to why it is so hard to lose weight. And I have had blood tests and been to the GP and nothing is abnormal.

My Family Start worker got in touch with some other mental health providers and advocated strongly for my need for respite. So they called me and said when I am in the distress and not coping to contact them and then I can be assessed. But what is crazy to me is, you can’t access respite even through them, when you are heading downhill fast. It seems they are only willing to help if you are feelings suicidal and heavily distressed. It makes more sense if they could offer that before people get that bad. Craziness!

I got another 2 tattoos. A Pisces one and a panther. Pisces, because I am a Pisces and the panther, because it represents something strong and powerful. Here is a picture of the panther one.

I have been doing the online jigsaws again this week. Which is fine once it’s finished, but I get quite anxious and agitated if I am having quite a hard time finding the right piece’s. I even find that when I am doing the word find on my tablet and I’m having trouble finding some words. Bloody anxiety!

Gah! Even just writing about anxiety makes me anxious.

Supposed to be meeting the wedding photographer tomorrow. So once I have met him and booked him, that is another significant wedding thing organized. I think after that I just need to get the flower girl dresses adjusted, remember to leave money aside for suit hire, pay remaining money on things I have only paid deposits on and closer to September, get my wedding dress zip repaired and any adjustments done. I am pretty sure there are things on that list I am still forgetting.

It seems no matter how simple you try keep things wedding wise, there is still a fair bit of stress. I guess that is because of the finalizing decisions and organizing everything myself nearly and the fact I am paying for everything. I am sure it’ll be a lovely day and really special. Only freaking out a little. I think though, it isn’t surprising it is a bit of a struggle. As I am still dealing with and going through a huge amount of grief.

Right, that will be all my blogging tonight. I will blog again some time. Hopefully soon. Depends whether I have the motivation or anything to write about.

Thankx for reading 🙂

Do not quit poem

I came across this last night. It both moved me and made me cry.

The words made me think of my friend who committed suicide. As it seemed perfectly to apply to him at the time before he took his life.

It’s too beautiful and perfectly put not to share.

Not lacking things to write about…just lacking all motivation

Like my title says, I am not lacking things to write about. But I have been lacking motivation in general for weeks. Thus why, despite having so much on my mind and so many emotions, I have not written much for a while.

On Wednesday I had a sudden downward spiral with my mood and depression.

It started with something quite small. On the way home from picking the kid’s up from school my fiance mentioned that we needed to get groceries. That provoked a sudden feeling of panic and anxiety. All I wanted to do was get home and find any excuse not to leave the house again. When at home, I went to the bathroom and then suddenly I started bawling my eyes out and experiencing high anxiety and a feeling of panic. While I was in the bathroom I could hear my son having a little whinge and I found that highly distressing. Later I went on the laptop, but barely had motivation to do anything. I typed into Google “high anxiety and persistent feeling of hopelessness”. The result of the search suggested Major Depression.

I have been feeling fatigued for weeks and tired all the time. I thought maybe it might be my thyroid levels or something. So I went to the GP and she sent me for a blood test, but everything came back normal. So, no medical explanation for the fatigue. And I have been getting enough sleep and eating healthy. So, no answers there either.

It’s fair to say I have been struggling for weeks. And it has been quite persistent since my close friend committed suicide in late March.

My GP can see I am struggling, as can my relationship counselor. My GP referred me back to CMH(Community Mental Health) My GP can see I need a break. And it was really hard for me to reach out and be totally honest and ask for help.

So I finally got seen by the Psychiatrist at CMH last week. I told him of my desire to self-harm, my suicidal feelings, over using my medication 2 times in a week, my anxiety, my moods, my diminished ability to cope and my often out of character behavior. He responded by saying I need to get on with my life and deal with it and at no point will they offer me any respite. That made me feel really upset, anxious and angry.

Some examples of my unstable moods are, me snapping and swearing at my oldest daughter, which is something I just don’t do. Being left in the house, while my fiance was only outside for maybe 5 minutes and suddenly having a freak out and bawling my eyes out and feeling the sense of despair and distress I had felt back in August 2013 some time. And that was very scary for me re-experiencing those feelings. I keep getting distressed and irritable over so many little things. It is quite concerning to me. I went nuts at my fiance on Wednesday for assembling a box I wanted to assemble and had kept telling him to leave alone. I got really angry and threw 2 small items at him.

On Wednesday night I was just a complete mess. Wanting a break, needing a break and knowing CMH will not give me that. It makes me feel very scared. And when we went in the car to go to the supermarket that night I nearly started bawling again.

I certainly know I am in desperate need of grief counselling. I have such a swinging and somewhat unpredictable range of emotions. It tends to go between, anger, rage, irritability, distress, despair, feelings of hopelessness, nearly total lack of motivation and a general lack of enjoyment in most things. Any good mood will barely last a day. It might if I am lucky stretch out to 4-5 hours.

No-one has visited for weeks. I feel like my friend who died(committed suicide), was my only extremely close friend in Nelson. And he was someone who was a true friend and truly and genuinely cared about me as a friend. He would put in the effort to visit me or spend time with me as much as he could. I am so lost without him in my life.

I do have other close friend’s but they live in Wellington.

I have a few tattoos now. 6 in total. 5 of them have significant meaning to me. One however I have just because of the beauty of it. Which is this one.

My other one’s are the ‘Parker’ tattoo which will be in one of my past blog posts. The gem tattoo in honor of my friend who committed suicide, which has his birthstone color Aquamarine(March) in the gem and his name, which is on the upper outside of my left arm . I have a set of tattoos on my lower arm on the inside with each of my children’s name and a gem each with their birthstone color inside. I have the Pegasus, as pictured. I also have the 2 Pisces fish on the middle of my upper back, just under my neck. And on my inner, lower right arm I have a Panther. The good thing about the placement of my tattoos with my children’s names and birthstones, is it motivates me not to self-harm, as I don’t want to ruin the tattoos.

National suicide prevention information service | MHF Suicide Prevention – New Zealand

National suicide prevention information service | MHF Suicide Prevention – New Zealand.