Tag Archive: blame


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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It is now the evening of Sunday 29th June. Tomorrow is the big day. Moving day. And my goodness has this week flown.

I really enjoyed having more time with my oldest daughter, the one whom I have to leave behind, due to the CYFS(child, youth & family) bullshit.

I am trying to be strong and not think about how huge this is. As I do not know if I will be able to handle all those overwhelming emotions. And I do not want to start freaking out again and getting into a panic.

Deep down inside I know how much pain and grief I feel about leaving her.

I hate that circumstances lead to this.

I still feel guilt over this and blame myself and feel responsible for it.

My 4 year old had a really hard time saying goodbye to her tonight. That was so hard to watch.

You know what? I was thinking about the name Child, Youth and Family and I question why they even have the word Family in there. As it is more accurate to say, they in essence do take the family out of the equation, more often then not.

You know the main thing I look forward to about moving, is the fact I will be far, far away from the people who were bullying me.

I do not look forward to leaving my best friends behind, or this nice house.

In an ideal world I would be leaving everything bad behind. That being, the bits of my past that lead to me becoming so unwell with my mental health. CYFS and unsupportive family on my oldest daughters Dad’s side.

And in an ideal world I would be taking ALL of my children with me.

I am, honestly, so angry and hurt by how things turned out.

My mood has been pretty crappy this week. I have been feeling really on edge, hyper vigilant, anxious, extremely irritable and overly sensitive.

I kind of don’t want to go to sleep. As then tomorrow will be here. And yes, I am kind of dreading that reality.

But I guess it is a pretty natural response considering. I mean I have been living in Wellington for 10 1/2 years. And this a very big move and a huge change. And I am sure, in time I will feel at home again in Nelson.

On another subject. I am kind of pissed off that my fianc√© did his usual discrete sneak off to the computer room. And where do I find him and his computer desk? While mine, may I add is all packed away. He has bloody centred his computer and desk in the middle of the room and is playing his friggen game all nice and comfy! I ask him why he isn’t dismantling the bed, like he was supposed to be doing, his response, “I’m just having my hot drink” and I was like “um, bullshit! You are playing your bloody game! Not just having your hot drink!”

It is just not a good time at present to be pissing me off.

As I am quite stressed. And I have been feeling like he has been either on my case about anything and everything. Or just criticising me. And that does not sit well with me.

I can not remember if I have posted about the latest CYFS FGC(family group conference) review and the outcome. But if I have not. I will do so in the next week.

Today

Today is a better day.

Today I feel like, I will feel better soon.

I feel hopeful, as opposed to the former hopeless.

Having good support online definitely helps. As does seeing a good friend and having a good bitch and moan session.

It’s always good seeing these friends who do get you and get it.

I just don’t get to see a few of them much, due to location. As in this here friend lives about an hour away, the other, about 45 minutes away and another down in Christchurch.

I have a few friends I only know online and have never as yet met. They are valuable as well.

I am glad, as I go through these periods of depression, I get better at seeing the reasoning behind the dip in moods. Even if I can’t always stop the downward spiral.

That is something I have yet to conquer.

I think I have been going downhill for some time. But the whole tooth pain, fatigue and being sick often just flipped this downward spiral even more out of control.

Though granted, the loss of a friendship didn’t help.

But I want to be clear, that was not the trigger.

As, I was going downhill weeks before that.

But yes, as you could imagine, it was upsetting and it does still hurt. But it’s hurt less as time passes.

And yes, I was angry and blaming myself for many things.

Feeling like a fuck up, like I couldn’t do a thing right.

Just feeling over everything.

I wonder, if subconsciously, the significance of the date of Guy Fawkes, was a contributing factor. As, my Dad died on Guy Fawkes in 1980. And I always find things regarding him, like this date and Fathers Day, seem to trigger a downward spiral. Though at the time, leading up to the date of significance, I don’t realize this.

I try not to think about things regarding him too much. As, it does make me sad. I do miss him, though I barely knew him.

Not having my Father there to help me on my journey of growing as a young child and so on, has been so very hard. And I do so miss him.

I just don’t often think about all that. As the feeling of my loss of him, all this time, it is not a nice feeling.

In my dreams, not so much anymore, but years previous, I used to dream of him. I would often recognize his voice, but never get to see his face.

I also used to have dreams about my Granddad(my Dad’s Dad) Who died when I was 12.

I was pretty close with him. And I obviously took his death worse then I realized. As, til I was 25, I had thought that I never went to his funeral. And I was asking my Grandma(my Mum’s Mum) why I never went to his funeral. She was shocked at my question and then informed me, that I was at the funeral and where is it I thought I was. To which I replied, I don’t know, just not there and couldn’t work out why.

Apparently, at the funeral I said not a word and did not even cry.

It is amazing the power the mind has to forget. As, to this day, I still can not recall anything of that day.

Anyway, as I was saying, I’d often dream of him too. And in my dreams, he would either, miraculously be alive again or he’d never died. He’d just gone away. Of course I loved these dreams. Just sucked having to wake up from them.

I don’t cope well with death. But who does.

Unfortunately, I have had way too many family members die way too young.

Death is a subject that causes much anxiety and honestly, the thought of it, causes me overwhelming panic attacks, that cause me to have trouble breathing and often throw up.

I guess it was a reality I was reminded of, a bit too often growing up.

Today, I am at my friend’s house in Otaki. The weather over here is pretty awesome. And no-one is home.

I must say, this time out from my day to day life is quite nice.

Got to sleep in, though in theory, didn’t sleep in that much. I woke at 7:30am.

But I didn’t have to get up to anyone at least and there are no expectations on me.

It’s a very weird feeling. But I like it. And hell, I did so need this time out and deserve it!

On another subject. I had a talk with someone recently, who seems to have taken me the wrong way and seems to totally misunderstand me and how I was feeling and kind of insulted me by insinuating via words and attitude, that this person thinks ill of me and did not believe me when I was explaining a situation.

I found it really bloody frustrating trying to inform this person of how it really is and feeling like I had to explain myself and certain situations in detail and defend myself. Though fact was, I was not actually in the wrong. But it appeared this person thought so.

I left, feeling really quite angry and frustrated. As, I still felt this person thought ill of me and did not take my words as fact or truth, when they were 100%.

I will move on from this. But it is frustrating that I will see this person again and I am not sure if this person gets that I was being totally honest and truthful.

I just hate it when people misunderstand me like that and have me totally wrong and think I am something I am not.

Hell. I see why some people do have social phobia and are unsure whether to step out there and give making new friends a go. As, how do you know who you can trust? How do you know if people will get you? How do you know if in future, you will live to regret making certain connections?

I do now get social phobia so much more then I did before.

As my best, long time friend of 20 years suffers from it. As do many I know.

She was explaining it to me from her perspective and how it effects her, last night. And I do totally understand what she’s saying and I do get it.

It has caused her, to not even try venture into making possible new friendships. She explained, people offer the possibility, but she just won’t take them up on their offers. Afraid of them getting to know her and the possible judgements they may or may not make about her. She feels it’s just not worth the risk.

I get what she’s saying aye. Even if some of those connections are fruitful, some may not be and that can be painful.

It is hard when you struggle from mental illness/illnesses. as, you do encounter a fair few people who don’t get it and don’t want to get it. But then you get others, who don’t get it, but want to at least try and understand. And then, you get others who really get it. That makes it worth making the connection.

But yeah, the fear of not knowing which of those above you will be encountering, when you meet a new person is daunting. And daunting enough to make you just not try.

I feel honoured she calls me her best friend and her one true friend. I am glad that I get it and she knows I get it, all of it and she feels totally comfortable with me. And I love that we can talk about everything and anything. Just not as often as I like, due to her living so far away.

She also doesn’t like talking on the phone, due to social phobia. So yeah, when I want to share how I am feeling with her and can’t get over here, it’s kind of difficult. As I like talking on the phone, but she doesn’t. But thankfully we have the good old internet!

I hope I don’t develop any more social phobia, due to not so good happenings of late.

Though I’m not sure if what I have is social anxiety or social phobia. As, being in public and busy crowded places sets off my anxiety and freaks me out. And the more people in an area, the more I freak.

I can see how varying experiences can cause social phobia though.

As, I think, what if I get hurt again. What if someone in the future, who I thought got me, doesn’t. What if I let the wrong people into my life. So many what if’s!

It makes you feel like, why bother?!

Why bother? Well, because it’s not always going to turn out bad and you will eventually make the right connections. Even though, the fear of the unknown is scary.

Someone said to me recently, I have a skill for writing and quite a way with words. As I have been told on other occasions in my life. So thank you to everyone who has said such encouraging words. As I do appreciate hearing positive feedback and it does warm my heart.

Hey, if I could turn this into a job, I would. But I think you need a pretty big audience to achieve that and I don’t think I have very many subscribers to be honest.