Tag Archive: financial stress


This week… Argh!  This week has been stressful.  Between unplanned and unbudgeted wedding expenses and my fiance’s moods, it has been hard.

The unplanned expenses which I had not budgeted for, therefore had no money set aside for was the first lot of stresses.  So I had to use food money to pay for 1 of those things and then apply for a food grant, which was approved, but minimal.  And the second expense I can hopefully cover with a refund I am getting.

Lately I have been finding my fiance quite moody.  And I am having to remind him to not be so grumpy and negative towards my oldest daughter and to watch his language.  He then goes and takes that as me not supporting him and me undermining him, which it totally isn’t and then he has a sulk.

I know I am a Mum and a parent, but I do not feel that therefore makes me qualified to mediate or try and counsel between my daughter and fiance.

Matter of the fact is, I feel like my fiance just responds to me challenging him regarding my oldest daughter, with excuses and that is not on.

I have fought really hard to keep her in my care and I know part of her unhappiness is due to their strained relationship.  I can totally sympathize with the fact that sometimes my daughter says she wishes it was just her and I.

Any decent man in their right mind should know that children come first ahead of all things.  Them included!

Today was exceptionally stressful. As it seemed my fiance woke up in a bad mood, due to staying up too late doing who knows what on the computer.  And he starts having a bitch at me for heading down to the car and not brushing our daughters hair.  I was like “what?!”, “if you wanted me to do that just ask, instead of bitching at me for not doing it”.  I think it’s bullshit that I can given shit for something I was not asked to do.  So he continued on being a moody shit for the next hour.  I said to him that it is not fair to take it out on others due to being tired and grumpy, due to his choice to stay up so late.

Then later he starts bitching at me about the wedding and saying it is more like my wedding then our’s.  Honestly, after this it was really doing my head in.  I said to him it is hardly fair to whinge about the choices I made after the fact and reminded him I discussed ideas with him way before making finals decisions.  So he did have plenty of opportunity to say, hey, I’m not so keen on that idea.

Then after school our youngest daughter was in a mood and kept whinging and he ends up only responding when my daughter does something and directs his bad mood at her.  Which of course I call him out on and he gets more moody and sulks.

By the time I was half way to the supermarket I was just so over everything.  It was all just stressing me out so much and I just wanted to run away and go slash my wrists.  Yeah, not a wise thing to do.  I am just finding stress really hard to deal with.

Tonight my fiance got in a mood again and was swearing and swearing at my daughter too.  Again, as you would expect, I told him that was not on.  And again he started to have a sulk.

It’s like enough already!!!

So yeah, the title of this blog is wishful thinking.  I am hoping this storm is going to pass and things will become calm.

I am not sure how well I will cope if things do not calm down.  I already want to run away.

I have been eating healthy this week, as I am sick of hating how my body looks and knowing it is my bad eating habits that is causing all this weight gain and unsightly fat.  I am sick of seeing my slim photos and longing to look like that again.  It is time to start working towards that goal and stop making excuses.

I did eat more pancakes for dinner tonight then was healthy.  So I did do something that was not so healthy.  I made myself throw up as much of it as I could.  Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not healthy.  Don’t worry I am not planning on making a habit of it.

So, our wedding is only 7 days away.  And this week had started out calm and I was feeling ok.  But lately I have been feeling quite stressed and honestly really quite low and depressed.

I hope the next 7 days go well.  I know the weather is not planning on being particularly kind for the next week.  But hey, what can ya do?.  Not much.

My fiance is being ‘realistic’ and mentioning all that could go wrong with the possibly muddy reserve.  This realism is not helpful to me.  I am trying to stay calm and just take things as they come.

My friend has been sick most of this week, so sadly I have not seen her yet this week.  I really enjoy hanging out with her. We can be real with each other and totally honest.  I really cherish our friendship.

I finally went to the cemetery and found my friend who committed suicides plot.  It felt weird.  I guess because he was cremated and also because I don’t know if his ashes are there are not.  It is quite hard to connect with the reality still.

I am still on weekly pick up with my Quetiapine which is annoying.  But those are the consequences for misusing your medication and getting caught out.

I was supposed be doing some kind of journalling that the grief counselling suggested, but that hasn’t happened as yet.  I can’t even remember where I put the piece of paper that explained it.

I’m pretty sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I am just so drained that I can’t remember.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

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I haven’t really done much real blogging for a while really.  I have been having a huge problem with motivation.  As in, I haven’t really had a lot.  I have really been hanging out to post, but just could not find the motivation to do it.

It is fair to say I have definitely been experiencing some quite intense bouts of depression, which is never fun.  I feel initially this was provoked when my older sister spoke to me about considering the possibility of if my oldest daughter was not returned to me this year as I am hoping.  That did in all honestly provoke quite a downhill spiral with regards to my depression.  But alas, I clawed my way back into some sense of normality and improved somewhat.  And then the next provoker of my next downhill spiral came a few weeks back.  I heard back from the family lawyer in Wellington, who had received my CYFS(child, youth and family) files and had read through them and she said she felt, based on those files, she would not be recommending taking any legal action, as it is a case she could not win.  Hearing this really hurt and it was very hard to take on board.  It made me feel helpless, hopeless and quite sense of despair.  I felt so discouraged.  As I felt that CYFS had given me false hope and that I was essentially being set up for failure.  As when I reflect on the last FGC(family group conference) review, I recall how the CYFS social worker was quite adamant that she would not write down the goal I requested, which was to have my oldest daughter back in my care at the end of the school year.  She said she was not comfortable having that as the goal.

I requested the CYFS files be sent to me by the family lawyer and I read them yesterday afternoon.  All 297 pages.  Not a lot of what was written in there was anything new to me.  There were most definitely misquotes in there and some false statements.  The CMH(community mental health) team I was under in Porirua looked like the unintelligent idiots that they are. What was written by my CMH case manager that I had late last year, made it evident that as I suspected, I really was not being taken seriously and the severity of my depression was not being acknowledged.  From what I was able to read, of what was not blanked out under the OIA(official information act), it seemed they were quite adamant I was not suffering from depression, but a personality disorder.  And they would not say I had a particular personality disorder, just that I was diagnosed as having traits of a personality disorder.  That being ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ traits.  They even went as far as saying a GP would not sign a medical form saying I was unable to work or study due to my depression.  Even though that is not the case.  I am unsure on reflection of this new information and all that I have read, where in all honesty I do stand with regards to a realistic chance of getting my oldest daughter back.  So, essentially I am none the wiser after reading all the files.

I really appreciate the friends I have here in Nelson.  Though I do really miss the 2 friends I have in Wellington.  I have recently reconnected with both some friends I had when I left Nelson and some decent people I knew in college.  And also a best friend of mine who was living in Wellington, is now living down here, which is great.  I really value the friendships that I do have here.  They are invaluable and irreplaceable and I am privileged to have such wonderful people in my life and to call friends.

Recently I was have some major issues in my relationship with my fiance.  To the point I was seriously considering leaving him.  It got to the point on at least 3 occasions in the last few weeks that I resorted to leaving the house for hours each time. The situation was this, instead of him being upfront with me and honest about how he had been feeling, he instead spent an excessive amount of time on his computer, he started being really critical of me and he was not being supportive at all and was being quite a sad excuse of a parent if I am to be brutally honest.  I was trying to be honest with him one afternoon and he went and fell asleep while I was talking!  He seemed to do that a lot, just falling asleep during the day and being of no help to me with the children, despite the fact I was ill and so tired I could barely function.  I was feeling extremely frustrated at how selfish he was being.  So it is unlikely that anyone would be surprised that I was contemplating leaving.  To me, all the sleeping looked a lot like depression.  I was pretty much at the had enough stage, when he surprisingly sent me a text message apologizing for his behaviour and explaining what was going on with him.  And I was SO grateful he did that.  The reasons being, he was feeling stressed about our financial situation and the fact we will have to give the car back to the finance company, he was worried about our many bills and he was also worried about the possibility of my oldest daughter not being returned to our care this year and how that would affect her 2 younger siblings, as well as her.  I thanked him for being so honest and reminded him that he needs to be a present parent to our 2 kids together.  I went out to see my friends on the weekend and he said “great, I’m stuck babysitting again!”.  So I reminded him politely, that it is not babysitting when they are your children.  I think that got the point across.

Well my 1 year old is waking up now, so I need to finish here.  Hopefully it won’t be as long between posts next time.

Well I have definitely been struggling. I am not sure if the fact that I am not really under the mental health team here yet has any bearing on that. Possibly.

I know it’s always going to be hard moving somewhere new, well newish, as I haven’t lived in Nelson for nearly 11 years. And I have only managed to properly reconnect with 1 old friend. And being how vital social contact is to my well being, it is understandable that with the lack of social contact, I feel somewhat lonely and isolated.

Due to the changes in my ability to cope since last August, things do effect me more easily and I am therefore more susceptible to more regular bouts of depression and more easily distressed.

I do acknowledge though, I have learned some useful tools from the DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Distress Tolerance workshop I did earlier this year. And I do believe I have definitely developed some resiliency.

I guess maybe I expect too much from myself at times and I need to be more kind to myself and not see bouts of depression as me lacking in any way. I need to remember I have had no formal therapy, so that has some bearing on things too.

I have lost someone close to me recently and I tend to flip between denial that this person is no longer and wishing it was all a big mistake and that they aren’t really gone. And then I grieve for this person’s family.

I have been going between feeling numb lately and feeling like I want to just not be in reality right now. Like I would rather just sleep all day and every day until my mood improves. Of course that is not in any way helpful. Plus my fiance does not allow me to sleep the whole day either. And yes, I do see that is a big signal I am definitely experiencing a bout of depression at present. There is that symptom and also not wanting to leave the house and delaying it as long as possible. And yes, I know this is not helpful or healthy.

I have a really hard time when friend’s of mine ask questions on my facebook photo’s, as to why my oldest daughter is not in them and where she is. And naturally I do not really want to make it extremely public knowledge among my every facebook friend, about the involvement of CYFS(child, youth & family) and why my daughter does not live with me.

I find also, the reminder by such questions about her not being here tends to make me feel down and upset.

I do not like to be more regularly reminded then I already am, that she is not here. As I already struggle with it and find it upsetting, without more reminders.

I must admit, I have been quite irresponsible with money. Sometimes I tend to do this unintentionally as a response to financial stress. I don’t know why really, as it makes things worse. I guess it is just that part of my personality that tends to want to live in a fantasy and live in a bit of a dream world and not be in the unpleasantness of my reality. It is really very irresponsible.

I guess sometimes I just want to escape my reality and that is why I do such things.

The reality is, we have accumulated a fair bit of debt since last August. Especially since my fiance resigned back in November last year. Our debt has got so bad that the budget advisor here has suggested we get an SIO(summary installment order). But that may very well mean we have to give the car back to the finance company.

So when my fiance found out we had very little money left from the bond refund, he got quite angry and I of course felt really guilty. So I went to the room and cried for a good while. And of course I start blaming myself for all the financial stress. Then I get to thinking, why does he not just find someone else. As I am sick of feeling like a burden, being a burden and I feel to blame for all this and so much guilt and I just do not want anyone else being dragged down by this. But clearly he loves me. Even if I struggle to understand why and how anyone still could after all this.

Hmm, my older sister. She still does seem to have quite unreasonable mood swings. As one minute she is asking a favour and then I check in with her and ask how things are, I try to express concern and empathy and she bites my head off. And that is upsetting and that is hard to deal with. As I am only trying to let her know I care and I want to support her if I can. I just wish she would stop throwing this back in my face or any of our families face who tries to do the same. I will not be so blunt as to tell her I feel she needs to get therapy and start to resolve some issues, so she can start to experience some joy again in her life. As I know her well enough to know that would not be taken as it is meant and that there would be a huge backlash to expressing such things. I wish she could be more reasonable.

You know honestly, sometimes I take more of my sleep medication then I should, not because I can’t get to sleep, but because I want to sleep for longer and not deal with reality or the day ahead. But I fear if I admitted that to any of the mental health team here, once I am under them, that they will limit my medication and switch back to more regular pick ups again. I know I shouldn’t do this.

Sometimes I think about trying to get to sleep without my medication and then I worry that if I try that, I may not get to sleep or I will undo any ability my body does have to get me to sleep naturally, by being too anxious about it. I guess I just need to again, stop being so hard on myself and just take time to recover and not try to hurry the process. As I know the last thing I need is to become deprived of sleep and I do not want to risk that.

Ok, I can’t think of anything else I wanted to write about, so I’ll just leave it there.

Man, just when I thought I was attempting to have our budget in a bit better of a situation I get more financial stress thrown at me!

Money stress has got to be one of the worst stresses I think.

So, what we get on the benefit from WINZ(work and income) and IRD(inland revenue department), is not a lot. But of my half of the benefit, I am paying about $32 per week of my benefit back to WINZ for debts I have with them and out of my fiance’s half, $5 per week comes out. As well as $17 per week out of my half for Child Support, due to my older daughter not living with me and her carers choosing to apply for the Unsupported Child’s Benefit. Even though both her and her husband are extremely wealthy. So what we are left with each week is not a lot. Plus we have childcare we have to pay for also, due to CYFS forcing us to put both our younger kids into daycare 5 days a week.

And then, about a week ago, I get a letter from IRD saying I have a debt of $44.50 with them. So I call them and ask them about this and they say, it is the part month before they had started taking the Child Support from my benefit and they ask if I can manage $12 per week on top of the $17, to pay off this debt. I told them there is no way I can afford that. They suggest $7 and I told them I can not afford that either. That I could afford $2 per week at the most. They then start being rather snarky at me and say “well, I gave you the chance to make payment at $7 per week and you declined that, so your debt will just sit there and get fees added to it and increase”. Then, less then a week later, I get a letter from them with a $5 fee added to the debt. And then today I get a letter saying they are taking $29 per week out of my benefit! That’s including an extra $12 per week to pay off the debt.

This stress I do not need! As I still need to get $300 saved up towards moving in the next 4-5 weeks. So I am stressing out big time about this and not knowing how the hell I will manage to find that. As a few of the items I am selling and was expecting people to pick up and pay for by now, have not been picked up or paid for. As I am relying on these things being sold and paid for, to have some money towards that $300.

It’s bad enough the car is nearly on empty again and I could only afford to put $26 of petrol in this week and I only had that money because I sold something.

We have to take the car for a WOF(warrant of fitness) next week, which is $50 for the test. So I really hope it passes. And my drivers license expires tomorrow and that costs $43.80 I think. Plus there is the car registration expiring at the start of June and the mail redirection is $25. Argh, so much money stress!

I have to see a budget advisor on Monday.

Yesterday I went and got some advice from a Family Lawyer. So she is going to apply for my CYFS file under the Official Information Act. And I will use Legal Aid to pay for the Family Lawyer. I kind of wish I had done this sooner though.

Some days all this stress is a bit too much for me and I feel it mounting and I find myself more irritable and angry. Like, I am wanting to just yell at my fiance for how selfish I think he can be with regards to all of his time on his computer. My tolerance for that is really low.

I am trying not to worry or think about the part of moving that I dread the most. Which is leaving my oldest daughter behind. As if I reflect on that for long, I become extremely upset and start getting more depressed.

I know it will likely affect me a lot. As I find when she is here on the weekends, I feel happier. But once she has gone back to her carer, my mood is always quite low.

One thing I really hate, is how CYFS can come along and turn your world upside down and really mess with your family and your life and finances and that they do not seem to take any responsibility for this. And they really do not appear to care how much worse off we now are. I feel, that if CYFS are going to come into a families life and do all this and effect so many aspects of all the family members involved lives. The very least they could do is offer the family counselling/therapy if wanted.

Do not even get my started on OHF(Open Home Foundation)! I really do not enjoy my interactions with our OHF lady.

Man, I want to scream and cry right now! All of this stress is very hard to handle.

Yes, I know I am strong. But this is SO hard.

I have been fighting so much for so long.

Maybe I will go and attempt to make another Loom Bracelet. If you haven’t heard of them before, they are quite a craze at the moment with kids. So I discovered recently. And I brought my own Loom Band kit a few weeks back and have made a few bracelets since them. I am a tad hooked on the craze myself now. And, it is a nice distraction from everything too. My CMH(community mental health) Psychiatrist said it is definitely a positive thing to be doing and is kind of a meditation of sorts. And when I was saying I was a tad addicted to making these bracelets, he laughed, as did my CMH nurse and they said “well, there are worse things to be addicted to”.

Here is a photo of a couple I have made.

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It is Sunday right now and the FGC(family group conference) review regarding my 2 youngest child is tomorrow morning. So I hope I am able to get a decent sleep tonight, with that being so soon.

I had even more stress thrown at me yesterday. I received a letter from IRD(inland revenue department) stating that they will be taking $17 per week out of my benefit for child support. I believe the reason this has all fallen on me, is because my older daughters Dad has become uncontactable. But that does not make it any less unfair. As we already struggle so much which money and this has just made things even harder.

I am not impressed that today is already 1/2 over and my older daughters Granddad has not brought her over yet. As I have not seen her for 2 weeks. I feel it is quite selfish them taking her the majority of the weekends. As I am supposed to be able to see her every week and I am her mother after all and she is my 1st child and was my only child for 6 1/2 years.

I was thinking late last night … instead of sleeping as I should have been. And have considered these thoughts a couple of times in the past. That my mental health taking such a huge dive downhill directly after I had my son, was just not as simple as the fact the labour was so traumatic. I feel that happening was more of a trigger, that brought up a culminating of events and issues that were unresolved from my past. And that was what made me experience a whole new level of mental unwellness. This is part of why I feel such a need for actual one to one therapy. As, though I have done much of the work myself to get to where I am now with my mental health. It doesn’t truly fix things and work through any unresolved issues from the past.

I don’t know if I have ever talked about some of the events in my past that have been pretty horrible in themselves. These are some of the events. My Dad being killed in an accident, which involved him on his motorbike and a truck. This was when I was 2 1/2 years old and I have always grieved for the Dad I never really got to know. My Granddad(my Dad’s father) whom I was very close with, dying of a stroke when I was only 12. My aunty(my Mum’s sister) dying of cancer. And my cousin(my Mum’s sister, who died of cancers son) being murdered a few years back. And then, while I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, we were robbed and the same week I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, my older daughters Dad had tried to commit suicide and nearly succeeded, so was in ICU for some time and my Mum had a heart attack. Thankfully she was ok too. Plus there is how many times I was raped in my teenage years. And when I was 7, on a school bus trip. The bus we were on hit a motorcyclist and he was quite badly injured.

So yeah, those traumas in the past, I felt, came to a head with the trauma of my labour with my son.

And while acknowledging all this is big. It still doesn’t resolve the issues.

Yes, my title does have undertones of sarcasm in it, if you were wondering.

So it has been 9 days since my last significant post. Apart from the one earlier today about Postpartum Anxiety.

A few things have been happening since 9 days ago. The Gateway Assessment for my 2 younger kids was mostly ok. Though they 2 people doing the assessment did mention that they felt my 4 year old may be delayed. Not significantly, but still, she is not where she is expected to be in certain areas. They would like to do a baseline assessment on her. Which is around hearing and eye sight.

Last weekend, my fiance tried to make me feel stupid at the supermarket, due to something that was actually not my fault, it was the checkout operators mistake. And my 4 year old was being difficult, as while I’d been out that day, my fiance had let her play on the PS3(playstation 3) the whole time. And once we all got out of the house, she was all hypo and misbehaving. We were trying to leave the mall, but she wouldn’t get off the electronic rides there. My fiance decided to walk off and be of no help, leaving me there to deal with her. And due to the fact I have been experiencing a lot of stresses in my life lately and I was experiencing PMS, I could only handle so much stress, before I ended up just sitting on a seat having a quiet cry. This made me feel really unsupported, him leaving me there to deal with my 4 year old. And then my insensitive and overreacting fiance said “well you’re clearly not coping if you have a breakdown at the mall”. Hmm, I would hardly call having a little cry, because I felt stressed and unsupported, not coping. I would call that, being hormonal, having a lot of stresses in life and having emotions. I mean I had dealt pretty well with it all I felt. As, after my fiance embarrassed me at the supermarket and was being a bit of a dick to me, I did feel like kicking a few things out of frustration. But decided that wouldn’t be a good idea, as it would draw negative attention to me, would scare my child and might result in getting in trouble with the mall security. Not to mention, it’s kind of acting like a child and having a public tantrum.

Then as we were driving home, I said to my fiance, that I felt it was his fault that she was behaving that way and said to him, has he not learned from this whole situation of having involvement with CYFS(child, youth & family). As we are supposed to take on-board their observations and concerns and change our behaviour and parenting as a result. As that is something I have whole heartedly done. I have taken away exactly what I was supposed to from this experience and become a better and more involved parent as a result. And he responded by yelling at me and saying “I’m the only one here supporting you! And you repay me by insulting me!” and then punched the dashboard a few times. Which I, with having violent relationships in the past, felt very intimidated and scared by.

Eventually once he calmed down he talked to me. And he told me something interesting about his parents and why they appear to not like me so much. He said it’s because I am opinionated, confident and intelligent and they prefer people who are push overs, who they can control and who don’t challenge their ideas. As they think they know it all and are always right.

Regarding our intention to move to Nelson at some point. I do get annoyed with the fact that his parents always talk like they expect we will leave here long term. Which is not the reality. But my fiance doesn’t do much to tell them otherwise. And I find many people involved with us, think it’s all my idea, not a joint decision. When in fact it is a joint decision. But my fiance doesn’t tend to speak up much, which doesn’t help.

The latest stress I have had is receiving several letters from IRD(inland revenue department) saying I am expected to pay child support for my oldest daughter and they have already given me a bill for this month and are expecting me to pay $73 a month. Which I found a real slap in the face. As my oldest daughter not living with me is a temporary thing, not a permanent thing and I already feel punished enough in so many other ways, for becoming so unwell with my mental health last August. And, not to mention the fact I have brought her up for the past 10 years and we are struggling so much financially, that it is impossible to contribute anything. I feel they should be seeking child support from her father. As he doesn’t have my expenses and 2 young kids at home. And neither my fiance or myself are working. So I have sent a Notice of objection to the IRD regarding that.

I am also finding it hard, that she spends more of her weekends with her Dad’s parents or her Dad, then she does with me. As I am supposed to see her weekly and that is not often happening. And it has a bigger effect on my family, not seeing her very often. Especially with regards to her younger sister.

So, we managed to have sorted things a little to improve our financial situation. I have finally convinced my fiance to change internet and phone provider. Though it took our phone being disconnected for him to agree. And we now have a debt of nearly $500 to Telecom. We found out the company who my fiance has the loan with, has a clause for financial hardship, so we applied for that help and were approved mid this week. So that means no payments needed for a couple of months.

We went to WINZ(work and income) to apply for help with the Telecom bill, but they will only pay the phone portion of it and we applied for assistance for buying a car seat and they declined that too.

The frustrating thing is, it all gets left up to me organizing the majority of this stuff. And relationships involve 2 people, so I get annoyed at how much of this is put on me.

The FGC(family group conference) review is in a few days. On Monday 31st March. So the CYFS social worker came over yesterday afternoon to discuss the upcoming review with us. I think she got a bit of a shock from all that I had to say. And was stuck at times for an appropriate answer to my many questions. I made her explain all their concerns and expressed that I felt frustrated that so little of the focus is on how I can get back to having more of the day to day care of my children and how the younger 2 being in childcare makes it extremely difficult to prove my capabilities and the lack of visits to observe me with my child, by them, makes it hard for them to see how I have improved and how capable I am. Eventually she softened her approach and agreed that I can have more opportunities to be with my younger 2 unsupervised. I also brought up, that it doesn’t help, me not being able to actually do things with my baby by myself and that we as Mother and Son, miss out on a lot of opportunities due to these restrictions put on me by CYFS. I also talked to her about how I felt the original FGC did not go by the exact protocol that it is supposed to and that I am quite sure there were some breaches of how FGC’s are supposed to be run, on that occasion. She had some trouble explaining her way out of that one. My approach and attitude and confidence has changed a lot from the original FGC, which likely came as a shock to her. As when the original FGC happened, I was still struggling and felt quite defeated and wasn’t as prepared as I would like to have been. Plus, I do agree, it was the right decision at that time the plan that was formulated. I just felt quite disrespected in the fact that CYFS still seemed to view me as too mentally unwell, even after the fact and all my improvements. And it really sucks how hard it is to get your role back due to all of this process. I said to her, it is actually a trauma in itself, my role been taken so significantly and that it has not helped the bonding process with my baby, how much of my role was taken away. I felt, I could have had started developing my bond with him sooner, if part of the original FGC plan, had something in there to support this and some tasks for me that helped me regain my bond with him. Rather then the only task being “get therapy when offered”.

I had week 5, or the 6 weeks of DBT Resiliency ‘Distress Tolerance’ course, this Wednesday. Next week will be the last one. I shared some pretty personal stuff about what I go through when I am quite distressed, which wasn’t easy, but at least I was real about it and myself. I talked about a distressing situation and having feelings of rage and wanting to self-harm. As the subject for the homework was to give examples of pro’s and con’s to either not tolerating or tolerating distress in a situation. So my view was, not tolerating the distress, would have meant the consequences could have been, me self-harming and therefore having a scar to remind me, acting on the feelings of rage, would have meant, potentially getting in trouble with the law, drawing negative attention to myself, scaring my children and those are definite con’s. And there are of course no pro’s to not tolerating distress, nor are there any con’s to tolerating distress. The pro’s of tolerating distress were, not harming myself, therefore not having a scar to remind me, not scaring my children or getting in trouble with the law. The last week is on ‘Radical Acceptance’. Which I already practice. All these tools are drawn from DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy).

The quetiapine has been helping with sleep, so that’s good.

I’m pretty sure that all I wanted to post about today. Thanks for reading.

11th March 2014

Life, oh life. It is so testing and challenging sometimes.

Last night I had a huge cry. I guess every so often things just get to the point, even if life is mostly good, where I need a good cry. It was over stuff like, money stress, not being able to sleep with significant noise in the background, not even with the aid of sleeping tablets, my need for therapy, being somewhat isolated due to no petrol, both my younger kids being home sick, feeling I can not really talk to my fiance honestly sometimes and missing my family.

I sent my Mum a nice text last night telling her how much I appreciate her. She responded by thanking me and then saying “you’re not planning on killing yourself are you?”. To which I responded “of course not! I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you”. I guess it is understandable when you have a child who has suffered with severe depression and been suicidal at times, to worry when you get such an emotional and meaningful text.

On the weekend my fiance was quite annoyed at me and said I don’t appreciate all that he has done. I reassured him I do and I tell people regularly how much he has done and how I am amazed he is still here after all I have put him through. He said I use my mental illness as an excuse. I asked him how exactly he thinks I do that, as I feel I don’t and he wouldn’t respond and gave me the silent treatment for the next 90 minutes. Eventually he decided to talk, though still not telling me how I apparently use my mental illness as an excuse. But he did open up enough to tell me a lot about himself that I didn’t know. He got annoyed at me yesterday for asking him to cook dinner. Which upsets me. As I feel like he doesn’t appreciate that I do ALL the housework and cook dinner every day. I should be able to ask him to cook dinner, just once without having a backlash from him.

Last week I picked my younger daughter up from Kindy twice by myself, which according to the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) plan, I am not allowed to do. But I only did because my baby was sick at home with my fiance and we wanted to avoid taking him out of the house too much to give him the chance to get better. Well, it seemed fine by the Kindy the first time I did it. But on Friday, I feel I was treated like some kind of criminal. I had picked up my daughter and just got to the car and one of the carers there asked me if I could wait a few minutes while she called the head teacher. So I did. The head teacher talked to me on the phone and mentioned how I am not supposed to pick my daughter up without my fiance there, according to the CYFS FGC plan. And I said “yes, I do acknowledge that and usually I wouldn’t, but my son is really unwell and that is the only reason why I have picked my daughter up alone”. And then, to make me feel like even more of a criminal, the carer followed me home in her car. I found that really upsetting. As I am not a criminal, I am a loving, caring and nurturing mother and I do not hurt or neglect my children.

I find it extremely upsetting how some of these agencies treat me like I’m a bad person and parent. When the matter of the fact is, I am not and I know I am not and many others agree I am a good Mum. Like the Open Home Foundation lady referring to my parenting regarding my oldest. And boy, how she misunderstands the situation. As I asked her what she was talking about and she replied with “well there is obviously something wrong there if she is not allowed to live with you”. So I had to inform her she has this wrong and the reason she can not live with me presently is actually nothing to do with me or my parenting and it is due to her relationship with my fiance and the fact that needs to be worked on and improved.

We are still in a bad place with money. We went to see the budget adviser last week and he didn’t really tell us anything we don’t already know and didn’t offer any suggestions to improve our money situation. He just said, if we were to work with what we actually need to spend each week on food and petrol, we would be in deficit of nearly $100. He did arrange a food parcel though, so that at least helped a little. But here we are again, the week that the bank loan comes out and we lack terribly in money and we have no food grants left and all we have for food and petrol is $74.94. As soon as I looked at that figure, I started bawling my eyes out. As petrol is $24 at least and $50 is not enough for nappies, formula and food for our whole family. I don’t know what to do.

So, no matter how things might be improving in regards to my mood and mental health, it simply doesn’t help the lack of money situation and things are not helped in my recovery, with the lack of therapy.

I am hoping at the CYFS FGC review at the end of this month, there will be acknowledgement of all the improvements I have made and that will have a positive outcome and I will be allowed the opportunity to be around my younger 2 kids unsupervised.

I have done a couple of significant and helpful things for myself over the weekend. I made a walking group and coffee group for others in my suburb. And last week I met someone new who lives in my area and have made a new friend. So those are all really positive things.

Well, that is all for now. I’m going to go talk to my fiance about the money situation this week and see if he has any suggestions.

Oh my gosh, stress!

Ok. So I updated with IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) last week, that my oldest daughter has not been living with my since the FGC(family group conference). And updates have been made and adjustments have been made to our entitlements. And we have lost $90 per week of entitlements. And due to the stupid choice of spending $195 to try bolt to Nelson last week, we were in -$135 this week. So we had no money for food or petrol. So I had to go to WINZ today and apply for a food grant. I had to explain to the receptionist where the money had gone and why and she was really rude to me and gave me the 3rd degree. But once she had heard my whole story, she wasn’t so rude and said “has the GP checked your hormones and maybe you have some PND(postnatal depression). And that is pretty shocking CMH(community mental health) has not given you any counselling yet”. I said “yes my hormones have been checked and yes, I do have PND, among the list of other things, like severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder and aspects of BPD(borderline personality disorder) And being I was at reception, all the people waiting behind me heard my history too. Thankfully I don’t care what others think. And once I was seen by a case manager there, I had to explain to him about all this as well.

On the plus side, a lady there complimented me on my lovely pink hair colour, as did the case manager. So that’s a plus to a not so great week so far.

Anyway, a food grant was approved, which is great. So we have groceries this week. And the Bluebridge ferry boss agreed to give a refund for the $195. As I explained all the circumstances. Though because it’s a week we pay our loan, even once that refund goes in, we still wouldn’t have had any money for food or petrol.

I did a budget last night, taking into consideration all our bills and we are left with only about $78 for food and petrol per week and that is nowhere near enough. So yeah, this reality is weighing on my mind now.

WINZ suggest my fiance going back to work. Which doesn’t necessarily mean we would be better off. As then we would have to pay for childcare and you only get a subsidy on some of that price, not the full amount, so you are still paying out of your own pocket. And when my fiance was working and we were getting our entitlements from IRD and WINZ for having 3 kids at home, we were struggling.

So yeah, feeling quite anxious and stressed about all this and I don’t know what to do or what can be done.

I know everything is effecting me mentally, as I find myself less focused when driving and my attention is not there like it should be and I’ve nearly pulled out in front of oncoming traffic so many times in the last week, as I just haven’t been paying enough attention and this really concerns me. And I’m clearly so preoccupied with things going on and I didn’t realize til nearly 1pm today, that I hadn’t even eaten yet today. And that’s definitely not good. I had only had a coffee in the morning and that was it. Because I was so preoccupied with the fact I had to go to WINZ and apply for a food grant and had the concerns and worries in the back of my mind about our bad financial position. And I didn’t hear my alarm this morning and missed my appointment with the GP and only woke up 5 minutes after my appointment. And due to how busy that medical centre is, I couldn’t get another appointment til this Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired. Not surprising, with all that’s going on and going around in my head. It’s pretty draining mentally. So I will head to bed now.