Tag Archive: feeling unsupported


It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

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It’s just 7 days to go before we move house. And it seems the closer that date is, the more I find I am struggling with my emotions and mental heath.

I was sitting in the bathroom yesterday morning, crying, panicking, anxious and rocking back and forth. Feeling agitated and shaky. With tears streaming down my face for quite some time.

These intense feelings I so don’t want to deal with. It makes me want to get in the car and disappear til all is done, regarding the house move.

Big changes and my mental health don’t mix well. It’s just such a big, scary thing. I’ve not moved for 3 years and the last time I moved, I was not experiencing bad mental health. So such a big change and move is kind of doing my head in and I so don’t want to deal with the process.

It’s not helpful that my fiancé has not done a thing to help pack or anything regarding moving house and the preparation. Instead he’s either, playing GTA 5 online on the PS3, on the computer or looking after the baby. But in the times when the baby is sleeping, when he could be helping, he’s just thinking about himself clearly and gaming. That annoys the hell out of me! I talked to him about this and his excuse was the baby and the fact he will be doing half the lifting of items into the moving truck on moving day. I was like, “well the baby does sleep and that’s no excuse to leave all the packing and preparation up to me”. How is that fair?! I feel he is being quite selfish and inconsiderate. Newsflash! I suffer from severe depression and get easily distressed and panicked and he knows that. So I’m feeling really unsupported.

It’s so hard lately to keep my emotions in control. I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive like this and get through the next 7 days.

I mean moving to a totally different and unfamiliar suburb is scary and a new neighborhood. Definitely way outside of my comfort zone. As you get quite comfortable when you’ve been in the same suburb for over 4 years and I’ve been living in Wellington suburbs for 10 years. And now I’ll be in a totally different part of the lower north island. I’ll be in Wainuiomata, which is in Lower Hutt. Which is a city in itself. But still is in the wider Wellington area.

I’m hoping once the move is all done, that I will feel more at ease.

My sleeping has been quite terrible the last few days too. Sunday night I was having a really unpleasant dream and I’d also taken forever to get to sleep in the first place. The dream involved someone being pregnant and giving birth and for some reason my fiancé and I were there and he helped her give birth. I recall feeling quite disturbed by being part of this. Due to my unresolved issues regarding the trauma of the birth of my last baby. Apparently dreams are your subconscious trying to work through difficult emotions, which are unable to be worked through consciously. So that explains why I often have very lucid dreams, that seem quite real and are often based on this years experiences.

I’m feeling quite tired today. Which I think is a combination of stress, feeling emotionally exhausted and bad sleep.