Tag Archive: suicidal


It’s been quite some time since I blogged last. I honestly can’t remember how long.

Like usual, I’ve been wanting to blog a lot more and had the desire to, but not the motivation. I’m not very good at just taking time out to do these things. I don’t know why, but I always feel like I need to be doing something and have a lot of trouble just taking time for myself.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned this before, but I discovered last year some time that I have sleep apnea. Which definitely does not help my energy levels or motivation. I do need to probably have a talk to a GP about it and see what helps with it.

I have decided in the last few days to switch to the Paleo way of eating. I have been wanting to try this way of eating before, but I didn’t really know enough about it. I watched the second season of The Paleo Way (I think that’s what it’s called) on Netflix recently. So now I have a lot more of an education on the subject. I also made a point of searching up Paleo meals online and bookmarking some good, affordable meal options. I also got a couple of books out from the library. One is called ‘The Paleo Diet – Food Your Body was Designed to Eat’ and ‘Modern Caveman – The Complete Paleo Lifestyle Handbook’. The first book is more on what you can and can’t eat and the second book is a more comprehensive book, that covers the subject a lot more thoroughly. This kind of eating definitely makes a lot of sense. I do feel it is important to really understand why it is beneficial. As I would imagine some people may be curious about it, so knowledge on the subject is definitely a plus.

My mental health has been through ups and downs since I blogged last. I have had really low points where I have honestly wanted to take my own life and have wanted to self harm. Thankfully I have not done either. I just get really overwhelmed with stress to a point I just can not function and I can not see a way out. Yeah, things do get better. It’s just hard remembering that when you are in distress. I think I have been feeling a lot more depressed and overwhelmed a lot of the time since I blogged last. At the moment I’m feeling ok though. Yesterday I found myself actually feeling hopeful, positive and motivated. Which for me is extremely rare.

I have caused some of the stress myself, by making bad decisions with money and get us into stress on and off with money and overdue debts. I am hoping I am over that self sabotaging behaviour.

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The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

PND at it’s worse

Oh gosh, where to start.

So, the last post, it was all going pretty well. And how I wish I could say that is still the case. But unfortunately it is very much the opposite.

I can’t pinpoint when exactly things started spiraling so badly downhill. But I had been trying desperately to access the help and support I need. But unfortunately, each mental health service I tried to access was not taking me seriously and grasping the severity of my PND and mental health.

So, I’ll go back from as far as I can remember. As the last week or so has been quite a blur.

On Saturday, I was feeling pretty desperate, so I got in contact with the mental health crisis team and went to CATT and got given sleeping tablets to help me sleep. As my body had decided it had forgotten how to sleep properly. As in I was waking every hour and only managed about 1/2 an hours sleep the previous night. CATT team thought that I should feel better and be able to cope once I had been well rested. But unfortunately that was not the case. My messed up body now seems to be unable to sleep without sleeping tablets. And how things have been going since Saturday is that the only time I get peace from my panic and anxiety and distress is when I’m asleep.

On Wednesday I was seen by someone from CMH(community mental health) and MMH(maternal mental health) and I told them I was feeling nearly constantly panicked and starting to feel at risk to myself and how I was feeling desperate and at times suicidal. They just fobbed me off and told me it’ll get better and keep chipping at it. And I told them, no, I feel I need to be committed and they were insistent that was a bad idea and that it’d make things worse.

My midwife was there for most of that visit, so she became aware of how I am no longer coping and she said, if you feel you are at risk, do call an ambulance. As she herself has had severe PND and been hospitalized due to it. So she does understand.

I have found the Wellington PND Group on facebook really good. As I can be honest there about my real feelings and they have been really supportive and encouraged me to urgently get in contact with the appropriate agencies. It was them would told me to call CATT and then yesterday, the ambulance.

So Tuesday night, the panic started, when I realized I only had 1 sleeping pill left and I was concerned about getting back to sleep naturally. And also I was fearful and panicked about the next day and getting baby fed, daughter to school and me fed.

So I woke at 4am on Wednesday and could not get back to sleep. Except briefly for 1/2 an hour. I was in a state of panic all day and even though I succeeded at getting baby fed and back to sleep and daughter to school and me fed and younger daughter up and fed. I still was in a state of total panic and it wouldn’t leave. So I forced myself to stay safe til my fiance was awake, so at least I knew the kids at home were looked after. I missed an important appointment due to this panic and had to tell my fiance we couldn’t go. I told my fiance I wanted to go to hospital asap, but he didn’t grasp how bad I was. I told him earlier I had wanted to crash the car. I gradually became more and more unwell as the day went on and was acting very weird and my fiance asked what I was doing and I responded with “losing the plot”. I had been quite a shell of myself all day and couldn’t even respond to my daughter properly about seeing her at 3pm to pick her up from school. I just keep going “mmm”, not yes or no or confirming I’d see her later. I barely responded to my toddler and got her food and drink when she asked, but that I struggled with and I struggled to feed myself and felt either anxious or like vomiting most of the day. So I managed Complan supplement twice and 2 or 3 muesli bars and threw up at some point.

I picked my daughter up from school early because I knew I couldn’t handle the usual school pick up. My fiance was fearful of me leaving by myself, knowing my fragile mental state. But I assured him it would be ok and I picked her up and brung her home. As my plan was, get her home, call her granddad and ask him to take her, to lessen the stress on my fiance. As that meant 2 kids at home with him, instead of 3. And then call ambulance. Which was a hard thing to do, as it’s a scary situation. So I cried and shook for 20 minutes before I could bring myself to call and was in tears on the phone and becoming increasingly panicked the closer the ambulance came.

You see I was having panic attacks nearly all day from 4am and had been in a state of panic all day. Despite the night before telling myself all would be fine and all would work out. And even though I managed to get baby fed and to sleep and daughter to school, I was still in constant panic. So I on nearly a constant basis was wanting to kill myself and planning how in my head. So it was either, take action on those thoughts and traumatize my family or call an ambulance to keep myself from taking action.

So they took me to hospital and I was in ER for hours, in a panicked state. Often wanting to jump up and find something to end it all. But didn’t, as I knew they’d stop me and restrain me. I heard some kind of alarm or machine going off in a room near me and it sounded quite urgent and the more that beeped the more panicked I became. To the point I was agitated and jiggling. And by the time someone came to offer me dinner I was right in a panic attack and she asked me if I wanted dinner and all I could respond with was “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure” and she asked if I was ok and I said “no, I’m really not” and she asked what was wrong and I said “I can’t handle it, I just can’t do it anymore”, while crying and freaking and amongst this and me hidden under a sheet and crying, I was transferred up to short stay ward. I had only managed to force myself to eat a sandwich about an hour before, while struggling with every bite. When I was given dinner in short stay, I couldn’t stomach more than about a tablespoon of food, which soon after I threw up. And after that, I tried, but still could not stomach any food. So just ate ice cubes and drunk chilled water.

While I was in that ward I was seen by CATT team and a registrar and had to tell my story many times. Which is hard, as the more people I have to go over it with, the more panicked I become by the end.

They transferred me to the Psych ward last night, which was pretty scary. Seeing the other patients, feeling scared and anxious myself. I found it all very daunting. I needed a sleeping tablet to sleep again, as my body is still not co-operating. And needed another one about 5am.

Today I have had to talk to more people and be assessed and so on. Which was not easy. My fiance came this morning with our youngest 2 and that was a good distraction. Even though I felt anxious once I’d fed baby. As he was having a whinge. I attended some kind of Wellness Workshop, with other patients, which was interesting. But didn’t manage to get right through it, as I needed to see registrar and psychiatrist and then later was when my fiance came. So I filled out the rest of the Wellness Plan handout myself, which was a struggle. As my head is a mess. My sister has come up from Nelson to help. So she visited briefly and is going to help my fiance out at home. Also my fiance’s Mum is over there for a little tonight.

Some of the things that were making me panic when I was at home were, thinking about my fiance getting less sleep and ending up sleep deprived and not coping and how I would cope when he was asleep or at work. I was getting panicked about going to appointments and not being able to breastfeed and feeling daunted about how to sort a bottle out if we were out. Just feeling panicked in general about being in public or staying anywhere other then home for any period of time. I was freaked out the whole hour of my toddler’s Kindy visit. Even though I breastfed the baby and my fiance was there. I was panicked getting a small amount of groceries at a quiet supermarket. And then when I was thinking about needing to come into hospital, I was feeling like a burden and a failure and worrying about my fiance and him having to do it all by himself. And worried about him going back to work or when that will happen and fearing coping or more to the point, not coping once he is back at work. I have been having a lot of feelings of feeling like a burden and a failure. I have been frustrated at breastfeeding issues. Annoyed my body has been playing up, with sleep issues and no appetite and nausea and this vicious cycle. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself as a mother. I have been feeling like I’m not even me in anymore. Feeling like I’m dead or who I am/was is dead. Just been feeling so hopeless and in such despair.

Today I am feeling less panicked. But I’m not sure if that was what they gave me in the morning that has lessened the panic. It is however reassuring knowing supports are being put in place and knowing my fiance has support at home. Though I do miss my family. I did feel on the verge of tears when I knew they were coming.

I hope I don’t get panicky later and I sleep ok. I’m not sure how long I will be in here. I know there was a suggestion of respite care before I go home at some point.

So, how I have been in the last few days, is honestly the most severe I have ever been in my entire life. So it is very scary.

Things that haven’t helped in the last week are, feeling criticized by my mother and feeling misunderstood by my younger sister and people having the attitude it wouldn’t get worse, which it did. Feeling attacked by my older daughters father, with regards to her relationship or lack of relationship/bond with my fiance. Just extra stresses and criticisms I could have done without in my downhill spiral.

I will update again at some point in the future when I feel up to it.