I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore.  But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason.  So I called him back.  He said “I think we need to talk”.  I asked “what about?”  He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”.  I asked him if he had been looking on my social media.  He said “no, I have just read your blog”.  I was thinking oh shit!  So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing.  What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending.  He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok.  Which I have great respect for.  He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes.  But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage.  But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing?  I didn’t have a conscience about it.  I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something.  I should have felt ashamed.  But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on.  Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them.  I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work.  Yeah I was angry and hurting.  I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to.  Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s.  I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship.  I just didn’t know how.  So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend.  I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness.  Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos.  Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement.  I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?!  Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about.  My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy.  Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around.  He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard.  I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies.  That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything.  And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him.  I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know.  Just assuming the worse.  Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age.  It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?!  Like, never!  I have always been immature and have never acted my age.  And I have always had friends younger then me.  It’s just me.  That’s who I am and always have been.  It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years.  This is ME.  This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out.  As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2.  So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting.  As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them.  So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people.  Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer.  They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now.  Which is mostly ok.  But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me.  As I like to have my freedom.  My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week.  And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized.  So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote.  As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately.  Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap!  It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.