Venlafaxine/Effexor XR…. Withdrawal is HELL!!!

So on a few occasions in the past I’ve made the mistake of missing a few doses of my antidepressant, which is Venlafaxine. I don’t miss doses intentionally, as I have had the GP say many times, try not to let this happen again.

It seems any time I have missed a few doses, the side effects get worse each time. The nightmares I must say are most definitely the worse part. They are so disturbing and distressing. Then I end up not wanting to go to sleep because I get anxious at the prospect of having more nightmares.

The side effects I have found the worst are the constant nausea, vommitting, headaches, upset stomach and of course those nightmares. I end up not being able to keep my food down a fair amount of the time and end up in the toilet soon after eating. The nightmares tend to get worse and worse the longer I am with out my antidepressants. I often will wake my partner up with my muffled screaming. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake for a bit just to ensure I don’t fall asleep and go back into the nightmare. There was one night I kept falling back to sleep into the same nightmare for a period of about 3 hours.

A couple of nights ago I had the worst nightmare ever. It was so bad I was trapped in it, it was the scarest experience I have ever had in my life. I have never been so scared in my life. I kept tryng to force myself to wake up and eventually succeeded. But it was so traumatic the nightmare, I was fighting my body trying to stay awake and I was convinced that the thinking I was awake was a trap and that I was still in impending danger. I have never experienced sleep parylsis, but what I felt seems possibly like that. I was afraid to move, afraid to talk and even afraid to try wake my partner up. It all felt like a trap. Like I was being tricked into thinking I was awake but they were still out to get me, the people in my nightmare. I legit thought I was going to die in this nightmare and I was convinced it was real and I was going to die. When I was awake, it seemed like I was still partly in REM sleep, as my eyes were doing this weird speedy blinking thing, like that which they do when you are in REM sleep. I had to force myself not to close my eyes. As it felt like my mind was trying to get me back into the nightmare. I know I already said this, but I have never been so scared!

I did get my medication a couple of days ago, but I am still suffering some of the side effects. I still feel ill, still being vommitting, have a slight headache, can’t eat much that will stay down. I’ve also been so tired all of the time.

The problem with withdrawal and how fast all those symptoms return that lead you to needing antidepressants return, is that you no longer know if you are still unwell or not. Also, the fear of relapse and the horrible withdrawal makes you shit scared of even trying to get off them.

Venlafaxine definitely does the job of helping me cope and does take the edge off everything. I wouldn’t say it is a cure all. I do appreciate that you are still able to feel your emotions and still feel like ‘YOU’. But it doesn’t by any stretch of imagination stop me getting depressed, getting suicidal, feeling anxious or getting overwhelmed. It does take the edge off all of that.

I knew nightmares was a common theme on Venlafaxine and came to discover they are common if you miss doses. I wasn’t aware though, how common knowledge all the other shitty symptoms are. Especially when it comes to talking to pharmasists and GP’s.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine who had a partner who used to be on Venlafaxine and he was telling me what hell she went through trying to come off this. And she did it by the book and the way your GP will tell you to come off it and cut it down slowly. She experienced horrific nightmares, intense emotions, suidical desires.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place with Venlafaxine. Like do I ever dare risk trying to come off it? Will I cope? Can I cope? As I NEVER want to repeat last weeks experience with that nightmare I mentioned earlier.

I actually can not handle going through that again. And the toll it takes on you is horrible. Sleep is not restful at all at those times. It seems like no matter how much you sleep, you never get caught up. I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling ill as, constantly tired and feeling so crap.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! Between being tearful, ultra sensitive and just irritable and agro.

While I was waiting to see the GP on Monday I was getting so over waiting. The GP was running 1/2 an hour late and I was getting pissy that I was not told they were that behind. I was going between wanting to cry for no reason, feeling panicked and distressed just because someones young son was crying. I would want to just walk out at times as I found it hard to just sit there with all my feelings. I was getting so fucked off having to wait. I was so relieved when I finally got to see the GP. As I was getting very aggitated by her running late.

I have done a small amount of research of venlafaxine withdrawal and I never knew how common it is to feel all this withdrawal hell. In fact I saw an image on Pinterest that way titled “Venlafaxine Withdrawal Hell”. That’s a very accurate description for sure.

I do sometimes feel pressure from some people in my life who are anti medication to get off meds. But also I push the fact maybe they just need to accept that I might always need to be on antidepressants and that should be ok.

The GP said to me regarding my concern over whether I might be ok mentally without medication and that the withdrawals, at least wait until I am feeling more stable before exploring that, which makes sense.

I have not blogged for ages it seems. I just don’t allow myself the time to sit down and blog. I always have that anxiety there is something else I should be doing. Or I just don’t have the motivation to even try.

Anyway, still feeling pretty nauseous, so might go eat some food.

Thanks for reading 🙂

I Don’t Want Anyone to Know How I Really Feel

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

Semi-colon Tattoo and other things

So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week.  Here’s a photo.

I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away!  I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress.  As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up.  So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small.  As in a 17cm gap.  So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits.  So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly.  Also it is gorgeous as!  So that is a positive.  I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress.  But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted.  So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time.  I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast.  Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for.  I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully.  And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him.  But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids.  As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times.  He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer.  Granted he may be right on some level.  But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general.  He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be.  He said quite a few nasty things in anger.  But I didn’t hear all of it fully.  As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out.  And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me.  But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel.  But I don’t feel like that changes anything.  I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved.  Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad.  For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old.  Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him.  And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire.  But then I think, is it though?  Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life.  I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep.  I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise.  I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy.  I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied.  I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more.  It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

Not lacking things to write about…just lacking all motivation

Like my title says, I am not lacking things to write about. But I have been lacking motivation in general for weeks. Thus why, despite having so much on my mind and so many emotions, I have not written much for a while.

On Wednesday I had a sudden downward spiral with my mood and depression.

It started with something quite small. On the way home from picking the kid’s up from school my fiance mentioned that we needed to get groceries. That provoked a sudden feeling of panic and anxiety. All I wanted to do was get home and find any excuse not to leave the house again. When at home, I went to the bathroom and then suddenly I started bawling my eyes out and experiencing high anxiety and a feeling of panic. While I was in the bathroom I could hear my son having a little whinge and I found that highly distressing. Later I went on the laptop, but barely had motivation to do anything. I typed into Google “high anxiety and persistent feeling of hopelessness”. The result of the search suggested Major Depression.

I have been feeling fatigued for weeks and tired all the time. I thought maybe it might be my thyroid levels or something. So I went to the GP and she sent me for a blood test, but everything came back normal. So, no medical explanation for the fatigue. And I have been getting enough sleep and eating healthy. So, no answers there either.

It’s fair to say I have been struggling for weeks. And it has been quite persistent since my close friend committed suicide in late March.

My GP can see I am struggling, as can my relationship counselor. My GP referred me back to CMH(Community Mental Health) My GP can see I need a break. And it was really hard for me to reach out and be totally honest and ask for help.

So I finally got seen by the Psychiatrist at CMH last week. I told him of my desire to self-harm, my suicidal feelings, over using my medication 2 times in a week, my anxiety, my moods, my diminished ability to cope and my often out of character behavior. He responded by saying I need to get on with my life and deal with it and at no point will they offer me any respite. That made me feel really upset, anxious and angry.

Some examples of my unstable moods are, me snapping and swearing at my oldest daughter, which is something I just don’t do. Being left in the house, while my fiance was only outside for maybe 5 minutes and suddenly having a freak out and bawling my eyes out and feeling the sense of despair and distress I had felt back in August 2013 some time. And that was very scary for me re-experiencing those feelings. I keep getting distressed and irritable over so many little things. It is quite concerning to me. I went nuts at my fiance on Wednesday for assembling a box I wanted to assemble and had kept telling him to leave alone. I got really angry and threw 2 small items at him.

On Wednesday night I was just a complete mess. Wanting a break, needing a break and knowing CMH will not give me that. It makes me feel very scared. And when we went in the car to go to the supermarket that night I nearly started bawling again.

I certainly know I am in desperate need of grief counselling. I have such a swinging and somewhat unpredictable range of emotions. It tends to go between, anger, rage, irritability, distress, despair, feelings of hopelessness, nearly total lack of motivation and a general lack of enjoyment in most things. Any good mood will barely last a day. It might if I am lucky stretch out to 4-5 hours.

No-one has visited for weeks. I feel like my friend who died(committed suicide), was my only extremely close friend in Nelson. And he was someone who was a true friend and truly and genuinely cared about me as a friend. He would put in the effort to visit me or spend time with me as much as he could. I am so lost without him in my life.

I do have other close friend’s but they live in Wellington.

I have a few tattoos now. 6 in total. 5 of them have significant meaning to me. One however I have just because of the beauty of it. Which is this one.

My other one’s are the ‘Parker’ tattoo which will be in one of my past blog posts. The gem tattoo in honor of my friend who committed suicide, which has his birthstone color Aquamarine(March) in the gem and his name, which is on the upper outside of my left arm . I have a set of tattoos on my lower arm on the inside with each of my children’s name and a gem each with their birthstone color inside. I have the Pegasus, as pictured. I also have the 2 Pisces fish on the middle of my upper back, just under my neck. And on my inner, lower right arm I have a Panther. The good thing about the placement of my tattoos with my children’s names and birthstones, is it motivates me not to self-harm, as I don’t want to ruin the tattoos.

I finally got my 1st ever tattoo!!!

Yup.  I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo.  Well actually I got 2.  I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide.  The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March.  We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it.  So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time.  To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow.  It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson.  I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller.  But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now.  I better try eating something soon.  I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat.  Anyway, ciao for now.

29th July 2014

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

Back home again

So, it seems like, with the public health system and their treatment of me, they tell me one thing, though they have already decided on another. That being, they told me I was going home for the weekend and they told me that on Thursday and then they inform me on Friday, the day I am due to go home for the weekend, that, no, actually they are discharging me and the doctor tells me, that time I have spent there at the ward and in respite, is as much as they are offering me and that I need to get home for Dylan’s (my newborn) sake and that is most important. So pretty much, right, we’ve done what we can, now off you go home and deal with reality, as we won’t be taking you back.

I have found it really frustrating the lack of information and say I have had in anything. It seems like, they make a decision about me and tell me this is what’s happening. Without consulting me or giving me any say in it. Such as, the other day when they asked how I felt about respite and then told me that’s where I was going. No asking if I want to go, as I said I didn’t feel ready, but they said well that’s what’s happening. And then regarding my antidepressants, the one’s they were aware made me really ill. They upped the dose from 1/2 a tablet to 2 tablets. So they tripled my dose without taking me into consideration and the effect that would have on me.

Also, they sent me home on Friday and then I find out, they have told my fiance to go back to work on Wednesday. Which left me feeling panicked and in tears before I left. As I’m not ready to do it all on my own yet. And I was left under the impression previously, he would not be going back to work for another week.

I felt my needs and my mental health and transition back into everyday life is being rushed and I don’t need that stress.

Since being back at home, I am still having sleep issues. Like I spend most of the time in bed awake, hoping to fall asleep and maybe averaging 1-2 hrs sleep a night, if even that. I have experienced waking to my body shaking in a state of panic, due to being tired and unable to properly sleep. But at least I still have my appetite. It’s just the lack of sleep is not good for my mental health. And I have had to use the Lorazepam at least twice to get myself out of panic mode and get some rest. And apparently the pills they gave me for insomnia are supposed to allow me 6-8 hrs sleep. Well they don’t even get me 2 hrs sleep. It’s so frustrating!

Breastfeeding has it’s ups and downs. I went from expressing small amounts at first, while I was at the ward and respite, to a good 100mls, sometimes more. And then I was unable to see my baby for 2 days and my milk supply went down to 10mls. Apparently the body can get confused without regular contact with your baby and it will try dry up the milk supply due to this. So I have had 1 day at home where I breastfed for 2 hrs straight and then another 3 hrs straight and after that I was exhausted and in tears. Though my supply is getting a little better now. I keep having issues where I would go, right, I’m giving up and I’ll just formula feed and then every time the next day would arrive, I’d go back on that decision. I know my sleep issue is not helping with things.

It’s true, sleep deprivation is torture!

I went into the ward today and said Hi, to my friends in there. It was nice to see them and introduce them to my baby, those who hadn’t seen him.

Yesterday didn’t start so well. The baby woke at around 5am and took 5 hrs to get back to sleep, despite my best efforts and my fiances. I ended up giving up and crying and having a lorazepam and having a nap. And I’ll admit in my desperation and panic, I did have a slight desire to self harm, but thankfully I took my chill pills instead. And I get anxious when I can’t find anything to do. It’s like I feel like I have to constantly be doing something. But I keep telling myself to take it easy and that it’s ok to relax. I’m definitely suffering from hyper arousal. Which would be part of the sleep issue. I wish I could sleep properly!

My friend visited yesterday and she seemed really sad to hear what I have been going through. She even had tears in her eyes. I must admit, I do find it hard talking about the feelings I experienced that got me to that bad place last week and that I continued to experience for most of the past 9 days.

Today went ok I feel. Yes, I got baby back to sleep this morning, but only by laying him on my chest, but that meant I couldn’t fall asleep and then I put him in his bassinet and he woke a few minutes later. So I just let my fiance deal with him, as I needed some sleep. So I took 1 1/2 Lorazepam and had a nap. As I so needed to keep calm and have some rest. We did a few things, like went to an appointment, I visited friends in the ward, then we came home for a few hours and had a lady from home help come over and then we went to the baby shop and got some things we needed and came home and that went fine. Which is good. No panic stations going on for me, so that’s a positive. I am hoping it will go as well when I do it alone, once my fiance is back at work.

Well that is all for today. I am feeling tired

The waiting is over

So I ended up being induced 7 days early, due to my declining mental health.

So I had baby Dylan on 1st August, 1:28pm, weighing 7 lbs 12 1/2 oz, at Wellington Hospital.

Oh my, induced labour, it was not pleasant. I actually found it quite traumatic. I had waters artificially ruptured and those contractions were bearable. But once they started me on the drip, the contractions steadily picked up the pace and intensity. I asked for an epidural once I knew I could not cope any longer on the gas and at this point contractions were 6 in 10 minutes and I was not getting much of a break between them. As I was using the gas, but as the contraction would peck, I could no longer handle the gas and was getting very distraught. But my midwife said to keep trying with the gas, which I was not happy about, as I knew I wasn’t coping. She turned off the drip and still contractions were coming just as often and strong. I was physically shaking, crying, panicky and just overcome with pain. Eventually she agreed to an epidural. So while the anesthetist was doing his big talk about the side effects, I was having unbearable contractions, wishing he could just hurry up his speech, which, yes, I know is protocol, but it’s just more time in pain to the women. Eventually it came time to get everything in place for the epidural and I was feeling relieved, knowing soon the pain would be over. But damn, the contractions were so bad. And then, suddenly just as he was about to put the epidural in, I suddenly needed to push and this was not ideal, as I was sitting on the side of the bed. Midwife said can I wait a few minutes and I was like “no, I need to push now!” So at speed my fiance and the midwife had to get me in a better position. Apparently I grabbed my fiance and pulled him towards me. I remember screaming in pain as I pushed the baby out. All this time, I thought I’d been given the epidural and was awaiting the pain relief kicking in and was wondering why it wasn’t. I had a 2nd degree tear and a PPH(postpartum hemorrhage) and lost 1 litre of blood. All these doctors and so on where all around me and I was effectively using the gas at this point, to cope with the discomfort of all they were doing. Every bit of pain I endured after having baby, felt like torture. So due to all this I had to stay in hospital overnight. My body was so over everything and the blood lost, that the hospital midwife the next day hardly even got a teaspoon of blood, to test my iron. Apparently this is a normal reaction when you’ve had quite a bleed. The body refuses to give up anymore blood and here I was, telling her I was good for taking blood. Obviously I didn’t know how losing that much blood effects the body.

So yeah, that was the labour and birth. Which I had to try not to think about, as every time I did, I’d get panicked and cry uncontrollably.

My mental health has been really bad since I had the baby. Due to the sleep deprivation and all I went through, the joy and excitement I expected to feel wasn’t there. Just a sense of fear and despair. I have spent much of the last few days distraught at times in tears and being so upset I nearly vomit. How I feel at these times, is that I don’t want my life anymore and yes, at sometimes a bit suicidal. Often I just wish I could runaway from it all. But I would miss my family and it’s not fair on anyone. Often I feel like, I want things back the way the used to be, with just 2 kids. And then I feel like shit for thinking like this. I fear how I will cope once my fiance is back at work.

I am having such a issue with sleep. As being so sleep deprived the first few days, seems to have screwed with my body. So I will try with no success for upto 5 hours to get to sleep and just can’t. And I will try and sleep when baby is asleep and just can’t. So I get very little sleep once I get to sleep. Like 90 minutes the first time last night and then maybe 2 hours from when baby went to sleep a 2nd time. And it took me 2 or 3 hours to get him back to sleep. Which takes it’s toll and I end up distraught. So I have maybe had 6 hours sleep in 3 days I think.

I find the lady from Community Mental Health really annoying. She rung to see how things are and I was in tears and explaining everything and she has no compassion. Just keeps telling I shouldn’t hold on to the thoughts and pretty much I should not let myself go to those places in my mind. She just rubs me up the wrong way. I need support and tenderness and compassion. I do not need to be made to feel my feelings aren’t valid or like I’m to blame for my depression. Which honestly, I rate as severe. I have no felt this low ever.

A lot of the time I just want to hide from the world and isolate myself permanently. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere and I just want to be left alone. Even going to the supermarket made me feel panicked and I was walking around the supermarket, holding back the tears.

I’ve added a picture now of my latest addition.

So that’s my story regarding the last week.

Over it!

That’s how I’m feeling in general at the moment about a few things.

Due to confusing pregnancy complications, I have spent I’m not even sure how many hours in the hospital. On Wednesday I spent from mid morning there, til the next morning. On Thursday night I spent a few hours there and on Saturday afternoon and night, 9 hours there. But Saturday was more due to how busy they were with other emergencies. How I wish this pregnancy was complication free like my last one’s.

So, I’m over how much time I’ve spent going back and forth between hospital and home. I’m over how my toddler packs a tantrum every single time she is put in her car seat. And how she says things are her’s, which are not, like her sister’s tablet and my computer and when you tell her she can’t use them, she has a major breakdown about it. It’s not helping my stress levels.

I’m also over how it seems my fiance only thinks about himself some days. Doesn’t help with the housework, not even on Mother’s Day and after I ask that he not spend the whole day on his computer, does exactly that(spends the whole day on it) And when I say, it would have been nice to have something done for me, being we have no money, so he couldn’t get a gift, he turns it around and says I spent 6 hours at the hospital with you the other day and you’ve barely been here, because you’ve been in and out of hospital. I found that really upsetting. As, I couldn’t help that I have had complications and I did not enjoy my time in the hospital. It just makes me feel unsupported. I mean, shit, I am the pregnant one, growing the baby, exhausted, both physically and emotionally and I didn’t ask to have these complications. I just feel like sometimes, what I am going through really doesn’t even factor to him.

I feel incredibly lonely and unsupported. Apart from my good friend, she has been supportive. I am so very sick of not seeing my friends. They express no interest in keeping in contact. I mean apart from the one friend. I haven’t seen my friends in about 2 weeks and the only friend I have seen, is my good friend. She is in the process of moving house, so she is unavailable most of the time and I’m cool with that. Just wish everybody else wasn’t so busy.

This morning, listening to my toddler whinging all the way from home, to my fiance’s work and dropping my older daughter off at school and then home again, about a good 20 minutes, was very frustrating. It stresses me out. It makes me go, fuck it, I am so over my life. Not in a suicidal way, just to be clear. I just need a break from everything.

I must admit, I get a bit annoyed with people who go, not long now, to the next 12 1/2 weeks left of pregnancy. Yes, to them, who are not pregnant, it might not seem like long. But to me, who has prolapse, which causes a heavy feeling constantly and sciatic pain and with the complications, stress at home, feeling isolated and drained in so many ways, 12 1/2 weeks is a very long time.

So yeah, all this considered, I am feeling over it all. And I do my best to feel encouraged and to not let things get me down. But I can only be strong for so long.

I am doing some things for myself. Such as, going to a Mother’s Network Support Group. Which is once a week, on Tuesday evenings for 2 hours for 6 weeks. It’s for Mum’s to get some time out and support. So that is a good thing. And also, I get to start Hydrotherapy this Friday, for an hour, once a week til near the end of pregnancy. Which is for pregnant women and helps with the sciatic pain and such. It will be good meeting some other expectant Mum’s to be. As I am not doing antenatal classes this time.

It’s during the day that I find the hardest. As, all I feel I do is, keep myself fed, housework and look after the kids when they are home and pick ups and drop offs. And being today, I am nearly on empty, petrol wise, I can’t even go driving anywhere. I am so sick of being at home!

I think that’s about it for now. I started seeing a Psychologist at Community Mental Health last week, so that’s something.

Ciao.

How things are and have been recently

Well, currently I am actually feeling quite good and positive.

Though I have been having a few bouts of depression and hopelessness in the last few weeks if I am to be honest.

I find pregnancy can be pretty draining at this end. I’m just over 6 months pregnant now. I am getting quite tired and rather achy and this seems to increase each week. And at times I have been sick. And I find when I am sick, as in having to throw up, I get even more drained and emotional and end up feeling quite down. I did start off with a bit of a head cold and that was really draining me physically and emotionally and then I got over that, but was still suffering due to my body being so fatigued with being unwell, plus pregnancy.

I don’t like feeling hopeless and depressed and disinterested in things that usually I enjoy. I don’t like feeling low for extended periods of time.

But yes, this is life and this does happen with me sometimes. I know I will get through it and I have. It’s just so draining!

I think I found the last week quite hard, as I was still getting over being ill and my youngest started Kindy(preschool) last week. Which was a big adjustment for her and me. The first day was fine, as she was excited to be there. But from Tuesday to Thursday it was a bit harder. So leaving her there was difficult at times, depending on her mood and picking her up as well. I didn’t end up leaving her there on Friday, just ended up bringing her home, as she wasn’t in the mood to stay, which is fine. Nearly 5 days of Kindy is a big adjustment for a 3 year old who has never been to Kindy. The reason picking her up is a mission is a good reason though, she enjoys being there so much she doesn’t want to leave. It’s just been a bit weird for me, not having her here for 4 hours nearly 5 days a week and having to be more organized in the morning. And she does make it hard some days, as she’s a stubborn little girl and doesn’t really like getting dressed in the morning. So mornings have been a bit more stressful. I am hoping this whole process gets easier. As some days I just want to stick to my usual routine and comfort zone and just have her home with me.

I do feel encouraged by the fact I am a support and can be a support to my good friends. So when they are having a hard time, they can talk to me and I can either just listen, if that’s what they need or offer helpful advice and support in general. It is a nice feeling being needed and being able to support others. I think it speaks volumes about the quality of person you are, if you have a few people who can turn to you and are comfortable with you in that way. It means a lot to me, that I am valued in that way. As I do care for others a lot, even if that does means putting them first, ahead of myself. I only put them first because they deserve it and they appreciate it. I tend not to have much tolerance for people who just use me when it suits them. It also means a lot to me, that they as friends are people I can turn to as well, when I am having a hard time. That is what real friendship and support is. A mutual respect and a two way street. As we don’t need people in our lives who just take and never give back. That just leaves us feeling deflated and discouraged.

I feel, even if some people feel like that don’t have any friends who they physically see. You can still have friends and support online and those connections are valuable. So if you feel like you don’t have any real friends, just because you don’t see people and socialize outside of the internet, you do still have friends online and support online, until you are able to make connections with people offline. So don’t dismiss the supportive people you know online, as they are still friends. What I am trying to say is, you have support, even if it may just be online for now and that is valuable and that is something. I myself have quite a few friends online, who I have never met and may never meet. It doesn’t make them any less important or valuable to me.

One thing I really like seeing is, when people I care about make a big, though scary change to their life, which means a better life for them. When they put their needs first and as a result, their life improves dramatically. I think that is awesome. And I know how scary change is. I am really happy for them and proud.

Ok, I have written a fair amount now. I am hoping it all makes sense. I do sometimes think, ok, I know what I’m trying to say, but is it understood by others. I hope so.