So on a few occasions in the past I’ve made the mistake of missing a few doses of my antidepressant, which is Venlafaxine. I don’t miss doses intentionally, as I have had the GP say many times, try not to let this happen again.

It seems any time I have missed a few doses, the side effects get worse each time. The nightmares I must say are most definitely the worse part. They are so disturbing and distressing. Then I end up not wanting to go to sleep because I get anxious at the prospect of having more nightmares.

The side effects I have found the worst are the constant nausea, vommitting, headaches, upset stomach and of course those nightmares. I end up not being able to keep my food down a fair amount of the time and end up in the toilet soon after eating. The nightmares tend to get worse and worse the longer I am with out my antidepressants. I often will wake my partner up with my muffled screaming. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake for a bit just to ensure I don’t fall asleep and go back into the nightmare. There was one night I kept falling back to sleep into the same nightmare for a period of about 3 hours.

A couple of nights ago I had the worst nightmare ever. It was so bad I was trapped in it, it was the scarest experience I have ever had in my life. I have never been so scared in my life. I kept tryng to force myself to wake up and eventually succeeded. But it was so traumatic the nightmare, I was fighting my body trying to stay awake and I was convinced that the thinking I was awake was a trap and that I was still in impending danger. I have never experienced sleep parylsis, but what I felt seems possibly like that. I was afraid to move, afraid to talk and even afraid to try wake my partner up. It all felt like a trap. Like I was being tricked into thinking I was awake but they were still out to get me, the people in my nightmare. I legit thought I was going to die in this nightmare and I was convinced it was real and I was going to die. When I was awake, it seemed like I was still partly in REM sleep, as my eyes were doing this weird speedy blinking thing, like that which they do when you are in REM sleep. I had to force myself not to close my eyes. As it felt like my mind was trying to get me back into the nightmare. I know I already said this, but I have never been so scared!

I did get my medication a couple of days ago, but I am still suffering some of the side effects. I still feel ill, still being vommitting, have a slight headache, can’t eat much that will stay down. I’ve also been so tired all of the time.

The problem with withdrawal and how fast all those symptoms return that lead you to needing antidepressants return, is that you no longer know if you are still unwell or not. Also, the fear of relapse and the horrible withdrawal makes you shit scared of even trying to get off them.

Venlafaxine definitely does the job of helping me cope and does take the edge off everything. I wouldn’t say it is a cure all. I do appreciate that you are still able to feel your emotions and still feel like ‘YOU’. But it doesn’t by any stretch of imagination stop me getting depressed, getting suicidal, feeling anxious or getting overwhelmed. It does take the edge off all of that.

I knew nightmares was a common theme on Venlafaxine and came to discover they are common if you miss doses. I wasn’t aware though, how common knowledge all the other shitty symptoms are. Especially when it comes to talking to pharmasists and GP’s.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine who had a partner who used to be on Venlafaxine and he was telling me what hell she went through trying to come off this. And she did it by the book and the way your GP will tell you to come off it and cut it down slowly. She experienced horrific nightmares, intense emotions, suidical desires.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place with Venlafaxine. Like do I ever dare risk trying to come off it? Will I cope? Can I cope? As I NEVER want to repeat last weeks experience with that nightmare I mentioned earlier.

I actually can not handle going through that again. And the toll it takes on you is horrible. Sleep is not restful at all at those times. It seems like no matter how much you sleep, you never get caught up. I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling ill as, constantly tired and feeling so crap.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! Between being tearful, ultra sensitive and just irritable and agro.

While I was waiting to see the GP on Monday I was getting so over waiting. The GP was running 1/2 an hour late and I was getting pissy that I was not told they were that behind. I was going between wanting to cry for no reason, feeling panicked and distressed just because someones young son was crying. I would want to just walk out at times as I found it hard to just sit there with all my feelings. I was getting so fucked off having to wait. I was so relieved when I finally got to see the GP. As I was getting very aggitated by her running late.

I have done a small amount of research of venlafaxine withdrawal and I never knew how common it is to feel all this withdrawal hell. In fact I saw an image on Pinterest that way titled “Venlafaxine Withdrawal Hell”. That’s a very accurate description for sure.

I do sometimes feel pressure from some people in my life who are anti medication to get off meds. But also I push the fact maybe they just need to accept that I might always need to be on antidepressants and that should be ok.

The GP said to me regarding my concern over whether I might be ok mentally without medication and that the withdrawals, at least wait until I am feeling more stable before exploring that, which makes sense.

I have not blogged for ages it seems. I just don’t allow myself the time to sit down and blog. I always have that anxiety there is something else I should be doing. Or I just don’t have the motivation to even try.

Anyway, still feeling pretty nauseous, so might go eat some food.

Thanks for reading 🙂