Tag Archive: mood swings

For me, PMS and mental illness are not a good combination. And I don’t know if there is any way around this, being I am a female and haven’t experienced menopause.

I do know this. Every month, in the 7-10 days before getting my period, my hormones go nuts. And this is not a good thing. Especially being that my mental health is still not good. It goes and makes an already not so stable and not so mentally well me, even worse.

It makes me more easily angered, more intense with whatever mood it is I am experiencing at any given time, more easily stressed and overwhelmed, more depressed and more mentally unwell. And it makes my fuse(patience) very short.

I really hate it! And there’s really not a thing I can do about it.

As I’ve already accepted I can never be on any hormonal contraception, because of how hormones effect my mental health. And let’s just say, it’s not good! Thus, being why I will being getting my tubes tied asap. Also, I don’t want any more children. And unfortunately, due to my weird body, any other contraception option that is reliable, my body doesn’t agree with. Oh except condoms, which I am making sure we ALWAYS use!

Regarding PMS and it’s effect on me. It also messes with my diet and weight loss. So I have to try and remember this every month, before I start experiencing PMS or I end up undoing all my good work diet wise and usually end up putting on weight I’ve lost, due to an overwhelming desire to eat crap(junk food) during this time. And the bloating doesn’t help either.

I am kind enough to myself though, to allow myself a little treat during this time. And I make sure it’s dark chocolate, with a high percentage of cocoa(70%). As that type, is not only healthier for you and high in antioxidants, but due to it being of a higher percentage of cocoa, it sorts those cravings out, is more healthy and you don’t need to eat as much to satisfy the craving. It’s just pretty much your body craving a sugar hit, because of the blood loss you get during your period I believe. And the thing with ordinary chocolate is, you have to eat more of it to satisfy this craving and it’s unhealthier. And also it spikes your blood sugars levels fast, but they drop more rapidly soon after. Thus being why you feel the need to eat more. And that fast release and rapid blood sugar drop is not healthy.

Hmm…kind of went off on a huge tangent about chocolate… But hey, it was relevant and related to the subject at hand.

You might have worked out by now, possibly, that I currently have my period. This being why this is relevant and fresh in my mind. Sorry if it’s kind of over-sharing. But I thought it was worth mentioning and posting about, in case other women go through the same thing. Which I am sure other women likely do.

Today I have behaved with my diet and kept within my calorie goal. So I am happy with myself about that. As I’ve only just started using the food diary again on MFP(myfitnesspal.com). And usually this time of month, I stuff up diet wise. So good on me for not misbehaving today. But I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, as it’s not. And giving in to the junk can happen so fast and then the excuses come in, like “I’ll start eating healthy after my period” or “I’ll just have a few naughty things and behave tomorrow and/or the rest of the week” or “I’ve been good mostly, so it’s ok to eat what a want briefly”. The problem with these excuses are, they are just avoiding change and putting off the chance to work towards your goal and tomorrow never comes and there’s never a ‘right’ time. So, instead I choose every time I open the cupboard or fridge, to grab the healthy food and if there’s nothing in there that interests me, I’m probably just in there out of boredom, so I go find something to distract myself.

I have to go to the GP in the morning. So hopefully I remember all the things I am seeing him or her about. As I usually forgot some of the important things on my list.

That’s all for today. Should probably get to bed.


I’ve been wanting to post since the last time I posted, but haven’t found the time. And I’ve had a lot on my mind to post about. But with my ill mental health, the short term memory has been going bye bye again. Which is so frustrating! As I know I had something important and significant I wanted to post about earlier this week, but it has since left my mind. And I know as much as it was really important and significant, but I can not remember what it was. Grr!

So the visit from the Cyfs (child, youth & family) social worker wasn’t too bad.

My CMH(community mental health) case manager however, was a real let down. He arrived late, as usual and because my mood was okish when he visited, he didn’t bother discussing anything about the past week, that he said he’d talk with me about when he visited. He didn’t appear to care about my phone calls to the mental health crisis line or my unstable, very concerning moods and unhealthy feelings and thoughts. He pretty much just talked about the transfer to the Hutt Valley CMH(community mental health) and left after only 15 minute’s.

I am really disappointed with my fiancés family. They have not given us any more support, even with them knowing how bad my mental health is. And they haven’t looked after the kids on the weekends last week or are planning to this week. So I am really angry and upset with them. As it seems to me like they only offered support as of the day of the family group conference, as a way to keep us in Wellington and to make themselves look good.

I feel really unsupported here in Wellington. I feel like, what the hell was the point of moving to Wainuiomata. As it was supposed to be for the extra support from my fiancés family and so we’d be closer to them to make it easier on us and for us to get the support we need.

It is so damn hard for me not having my family in the same city as me. As I need them and they genuinely care and are truly there for us. They are selfless, instead of selfish, like my fiancés family.

My mental health has been really bad since I posted last. I have wanted to self-harm every day and have been self-harming quite often. I have felt rage and anger way more often. I have wanted to runaway so desperately. My moods are so unstable. I feel trapped, lost and unsupported. I am really depressed and unhappy.

Yesterday has to have been one of the worst day’s yet. As I wanted to slap my toddler and had to tell my fiancé to take her to another room, so I didn’t act on that desire. I even had to lock myself outside to keep myself and her safe and get away from the stress and distress she was causing me.

Things have been really tense at home lately. My fiancé has been more stressed and I feel, he has been quite anti our daughter and rejecting her a lot. Getting angry and moody at her and treating her like an inconvenience. And being intolerant with our baby at times.

I have been really moody and anti my fiancé lately and snapping at him a lot.

It’s just been this vicious circle of moods, anger, tense and high emotions. It’s been horrible!

Last night, I can’t remember what exactly provoked this, but my fiancé said that I haven’t looked after our son at all in the past nearly 6 month’s. Which is so not true! As I looked after him the whole time my fiancé was at work and every day, except when I was in hospital and at respite and up until my mental health got really bad at the end of October.

That was extremely hurtful him saying that and I felt so hurt and disrespected.

I reacted by packing a bag for my daughter and I and sneaking out of the house when I knew my fiancé was on the computer with headphones on, so I knew he couldn’t hear me packing or leaving.

I didn’t care about the consequences. I felt rejected and disrespected and extremely hurt. As well as feeling my fiancé was rejecting and anti our daughter. So I did what is my default coping mechanism and tried to runaway from my problems.

I took all the money out of our account and also out of my fiancés account, which was what was left of his birthday and xmas money and paid for a ticket for the ferry, for our daughter, the car and myself and for petrol. As I intended to go to Nelson.

I turned my phone off so my fiancé couldn’t get hold of me and only turned it on to check an email regarding the ferry. And when I turned it on I had several missed calls from him and each time he tried to call, I’d disconnect the call.

So I was sitting in the car, our daughter asleep in the car, waiting for the ferry check in. Eventually after some text’s back and forth and my fiancé threatening to report the car as stolen. I agreed to come home. As he said he’d talk with me about everything. During all this time and the majority of the drive home, I was bawling my eye’s out.

So we did some talking once I got home. And I expressed that this just goes to show how bad my mental health is and how desperately in need of therapy I am.

My fiancé only realized this afternoon that I had taken not only our money, but his money as well and he got really angry.

I said “yeah well why did you think I was so resistant about coming home?” As I knew how bad what I’d done was.

I find it incredibly frustrating, how my fiancé goes from being on the same page as me regarding his family and being all anti me and suggesting I’m the one with the problem and I’m being paranoid.

I mean, make up your mind already and be consistent! You are either supporting me and on my side, or you’re not! Stopping bloody flipping between the 2!

Regarding where we are living. I keep feeling this feeling of unease and very up in the air.

I feel like my intuition is telling me something. As if it knows my fiancés family were going to do this and that this plan formulated at the family group conference, would not last that long and that it would very fast fall apart. And that a lot of my panic and anxiety about moving was also telling me of things to come.

I am really looking forward to moving to Nelson when the time comes. And am really looking forward to being closer to my family.

Well I’d better get some sleep. Might post some more tomorrow.

Wow! It’s almost 2014!

Right, so the last time I posted I was on the ferry to Picton, so I could go to Nelson for a few days. The ferry was delayed by 90 minutes in the end. So I missed the bus I was supposed to catch and ended up stranded at the Bluebridge ferry terminal for several hours. Which didn’t help my anxiety and panic. But I managed to keep it in and not show it outwardly. Though naturally I didn’t get a bit shaky after a few hours and nearly was in tears. It didn’t help that the bus company couldn’t care less. They had my money and didn’t care that I was left stranded. They wouldn’t even give a refund or offer me a free trip the next day. Thankfully Bluebridge cares about people and did everything they could to help me, even though they’d done their part, in getting me to Picton. They ended up getting one of their staff to drive me to Nelson, which I was SO thankful for. It just sucked that I had less time in Nelson due to all that.

I stayed at my younger sister’s place on the Saturday night. Which is in 88 Valley, which is just past Wakefield, in the Nelson area. It was so far out of town that there was no phone or reception on my mobile. And no internet. As the house where my sister lives is an old villa, which is over 100 yrs old. So the lines are too old to be able to connect a landline or internet. And only her mobile which is on a different provider to mine would get reception and mobile data connection in certain parts of her house. But not having internet or phone coverage on my mobile wasn’t such a bad thing. It allows you to chill out more and rest and just be.

A funny thing that happened though, was me getting a tad lost. I went for a walk from my sister’s house, trying to get reception and head into Wakefield. I thought I was going the right way, but after 20 or so minutes of walking, I was starting to consider that maybe I wasn’t. I walked for so long, that the tree line ended and I went from walking on a gravel road to a clay road. Once I got reception I decided to stop wandering. And being I’d had no cell phone coverage til then, a whole bunch of texts came in at once. One from my sister asking where I was. Too which I replied “I think I’m a bit lost”. So she had to come find me and give me a ride back to her place.

Then on Sunday night I stayed at my older sister’s place. It was good to spend some time with my sisters and my niece’s and nephew.

I must have a thing for getting lost lately. As when I got to Picton and was dropped at bus stop, I must’ve gone the wrong way and ended walking all the way through the town centre to the ferry terminal.

Waiting for the boarding call seemed to take ages and I was getting increasingly anxious the longer I waited. I got quite bored on the ferry trip back to Wellington and kept pacing around the various observation decks for a good hour. Seems I did a lot of walking in the last week.

I thought I was doing pretty OK. We found a place to move into and it’s better then where we live now. Where we live now is a 2 storey townhouse with 3 bdrms and it’s a middle one, with each townhouse attached by 3. It has a field, playground and pool and is a private grove, with a speed limit of 5km. But there is 1 person on our street who drives at speed regularly. She’s lucky she has not hit a child! These houses were built in 1979 and ours has had barely any maintenance and no renovations. As our landlord likes to collect the rent, yet not maintain the property. Very frustrating!

The place we are moving to is a 4 bdrm house, with a fully fenced yard, a garage and a heat pump and only $320 per week.

Anyway, as I was saying, we found this place, got accepted and I was doing well. Then the same night, I found myself feeling stressed and panicked. The next day, which was yesterday, we signed the tenancy agreement and all was good, but come evening, I suddenly became really upset and couldn’t stop crying for an hour or so. Then I was finding myself feeling ansty towards my fiancé and feeling like leaving him and just living with my 2 daughter’s. Which of course is not possible, as cyfs say I’m unfit to. I don’t know what it is lately. Maybe it’s because they are males, my fiancé and son. Maybe it’s something that was provoked in me when I had Dylan. I still feel at times like he’s not mine and I didn’t give birth to him and like he’s just a cute baby who lives with me.

I found my moods unstable and disturbing last night. As, even though I wasn’t dealing with Dylan, his whinging provoked distress and stressed me and I felt like I wanted to hurt him, to shut him up. That thought scared me, even if I didn’t ever plan to act on it. I was also feeling enraged and wanting to smash cupboards and doors. I hate it when my mood goes unstable like that. It really concerns and scares me.

I was in tears later yesterday evening, thinking back about those thoughts and feelings.

I feel like, how can I get the therapy I need and work through my issues truly, if in the back of my mind I know my privacy and confidentiality can be breached if a therapist thinks there is a risk to myself or my children. Even if there is no plan to action the concerning thoughts. As one thing I have learned through my dealings with Community Mental Health and Cyfs, is that being honest can be used against you and nothing I say to my Psychiatrist or case manager at CMH(community mental health) can I be assured will be kept private. And this knowledge makes me wonder, how I’m supposed to work through things and get better, through resolving and working through things. I feel like I can’t trust anyone with any of these things anymore. That any mention or thoughts that concern me will be taken as fact and not been seen for what the are, which is thoughts that highlight the fact I have issues that need to be explored and worked through.

I also feel like, if I need any respite in the future, that will be used against me too.

Yeah, so, that’s what going on in my head lately.

One thing I have come to discover about my anxiety is that energy drinks and anxiety are a bad mix. As energy drinks seem to provoke my anxiety. Well all except sugar free Red Bull.

So, currently feeling anxious again. So maybe that was the coke. So maybe I need to avoid that too.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading 🙂