Tag Archive: vulnerable


I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

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Exposed

I was trying to think of a suitable title for this post, where I am going to be really honest.  Which makes me a bit vulnerable and I guess in essence it is exposing myself/my feelings.

I feel like, I should feel excited that my oldest daughter is coming down next weekend for 8 days.  But instead I find myself sitting here feeling like crying, feeling vulnerable.  I suspect that is because in the back of my mind I know this is the last time I will see her before the big CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review.  The big one meaning, it is the crucial one that decides where she will live for the foreseeable future.  Which is potentially until she is old enough to be able to decide for herself.  And I am really nervous about this review.  I am SO worried about it not going in my favour.

I consider how I have been portrayed with regards to my CYFS files.  I am very aware that the picture painted of me by the Wellington CYFS social worker and the epic failure of a CMH(community mental health) team in Porirua.  And they have portrayed me in a very negative light and paint a very dim, negative view of me.

I am aware of the person they describe me to be, or to have been, is not who I am or was.  But how the hell do I prove that?! I mean, I can not even get legal representation!  As clearly, the family lawyer read these CYFS files and has now formed a certain opinion of me, based on what she has read.  No matter that, that is not who I am.

I guess I was being a tad naive thinking that what I read in those files would not affect me.  Though at the time when I read them I was prepared for what I was about to read.  But I guess I have had a delayed reaction to it.

I have definitely been feeling a lot more anxious lately and I have been having some issues with sleep and have needed to take more Quetiapine on a few occasions to successfully get to sleep.  And at night, not all nights, but definitely most nights, I have been thinking about my daughter and worrying and anticipating the possible outcome of the next FGC review.  I am also worrying about the fact that our financial situation has definitely taken a dive in the wrong direction since she visited last and I worry about how she will feel about that.  As I am very aware that the Wellington team aka her Father’s side of the family and her carers, spend a lot of money on her and she gets very spoiled.  And also her Father’s side of the family are making every effort to undermine me with the use of their wealth and all the extra opportunities that brings.

Yes I know I am her Mother and she loves me to bits.  But I am also aware of the sway money can have on such a young girl, who is very trusting and quite easily manipulated.  As she would never even think that her Father’s side of the family are doing these things intentionally.  She is naive at her age and very trusting.  It is lovely she is trusting, but it worries me.  As she would not know what manipulation looks like and I think it is cruel that any person who calls themselves family and truly loves a child would even stoop to this level.  But I am very aware that they are quite capable of it.

It is not helped of course that her grandfather on her Father’s side has no respect for my parenting abilities and capabilities. As a CYFS carer in the past, foster parent and a Father to 2 children via adoption who are CYFS children from parents with significant mental illness and a further 2 adopted children.  He is very aware of how the CYFS system works and how to manipulate the system to get his way.  And also, he has this close minded idea about parents with mental illness due to this.

I am not in any way suggesting that all carers, foster parents and parents by adoption are like this.  As most often these parents are genuinely lovely, caring, compassionate people.

Argh!  The FGC review is still another 6 weeks away at least and I am already starting this cycle which I have lived through twice already.  The first time was with the first ever FGC and then the second was the first FGC review regarding my oldest daughter.  It is nothing new that when it comes to her I am extremely vulnerable and emotional.  She was my everything for 6 years.  And when I say my everything, I mean above anyone else, including myself, my family and my fiance.  And I was parenting her alone for the first 3 1/2 years of her life.  She is my reason for holding on.

So you would naturally question why anyone would think me an unfit parent and want to keep her from me and vice versa. The answer is, because they have it wrong.  They(CYFS) got their information from an extremely unreliable source(Porirua CMH)

The cycle I was referring to goes like this.  I start worrying, stressing, get anxious, start feeling on edge, I start feeling depressed, helpless, fearful and my sleep gets affected negatively.  I am not sure how to avoid this cycle.  As when it comes to her, I easily come undone.  I love her to bits.  She is special to me.  She was my first child and only child for a long time. And while my younger 2 children are equally important, they have always had their Father in their life, unlike her.

Though I know I am a loving and nurturing parent and I have most definitely improved as a parent due to having CYFS in my life.  All these negative opinions about me as a parent, despite them being untrue, have worn me down.  It is true, that if you hear a lie long enough, you start to almost believe it, despite in your heart knowing it is not true.  And that is what happens with me every so often.  As due to CYFS input in my life, I have definitely had my confidence knocked and I second guess myself and my ability to cope.  As all this negativity wears you down, despite how strong you are.  And I know I am strong and have been strong and I am aware I am a fighter and I have come SO far.  But oh how this is draining me in so many ways.  I feel broken on some level.  I feel the cracks starting to open.

Honestly, despite how very honest I am, I do still keep a lot in.  So this here is me laying it all out there.  This is me exposed.

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancé and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancé had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancé’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancé to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancé said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

Stress, parenting and so on

So, as you might have guessed, among other things, my post is about stress, parenting and so on.

Today I have been feeling really stressed. As have I a fair few times in these ultra long school holidays. I think these holidays are about 6 wks.

How other parents manage to cope, as in the one’s who do have their kids with them full time during the holidays and don’t get a break, I fail to understand.

As I don’t!

I do at points in the holidays. Like, at first I enjoy the lack of structure and routine and not having to worry about school drop off and pick up. But eventually, with the length of these holidays, I do start coming undone. I unfortunately always do. It’s a reoccurring theme with these particular holidays. Every year, without a doubt, I end up not coping.

There was at least 1 week so far, where I just was not coping the whole week. Though thankfully I managed better the next week.

This week, the coping has been on and off. Today being one of the off days.

My older daughter just nags and nags and questions me and my authority and that wears me down. And then my toddler, who is 3 next month, she has meltdowns when she doesn’t get her way or when she is getting over everything, due to needing a nap. That’s a sure sign of her needing a nap, the meltdowns and losing it over everything.

I also get stressed with regards to my oldest daughter playing outside on her bike and sometimes her scooter, due to the speed limit down my street, which is I guess cul-de-sac like and has speed bumps, being 5km and some of the arrogant people who live down here or visit, not sticking to that speed. As, kids play out there on their bikes and scooters and it’s a very family orientated street. Thus, the very low speed limit and speed bumps.

What makes it worse is, 2 of the people who live down here and go over that speed, they have kids! That angers and concerns me. It almost seems like, they don’t care about anyone else and think it’s ok to drive like that, cause their kids are safe in their car.

So, some days, while my 9 yr old is outside, I worry, worry, worry and sometimes won’t let her bike outside due to my fear and worry. And it doesn’t help when she ignores the rules and goes down the unsafer end of the street.

Some of my meltdown today started, because my toddler was clearly getting tired, was nagging me and I was trying to get ingredients mixed and sorted to bake a cake and in this stress, I did it the wrong way around, but thankfully realized this and saved it from disaster.

Anyway, after that was sorted. I proceeded to take her shoes off, for bed, she resisted and struggled, same with the hat. And then I had to carry her upstairs with her struggling all the way and wriggling out of my grip by the top of the stairs. She resisted the whole time. She was losing it and I was losing it. And I’ll admit I did smack her on the legs. All after screaming my lungs out about not coping and balling my eyes out as well.

She was crying, I was crying. It was a big mess.

Got her in to bed thankfully. But I think she complied because I’d scared and/or worried her with my behaviour.

I think all this meltdown and stress comes down to a few things.

I’m really lonely. No-one visits and no-one invites me to visit. And those who wouldn’t mind me visiting, live to far for me to be able to manage or afford to visit.

It’s pretty bad how distant some of my friends have become. As in, I have only seen 3 friends in about 2 1/2 months. And I do try and make contact and encourage some socializing, but it seems some of them just can’t be bothered. Which is not particularly healthy for them either.

I struggle with a lack of support. I understand on my older daughters grandparents side, they have work and a few grand kids to spread themselves around. Though they do try see her a few times a month. Still a total lack of support on my youngest daughters side of the family. And I really need some time out from them both. And that shouldn’t mean, having to leave them with my fiance. As he deserves to have time out too.

I am struggling with knowing we will have extra financial stress coming up soon. That, firstly in the way of rent increase, which is quite significant. $35 extra per week, which calculates to $70 more a fortnight and $140 more per month. And on one income, that is not great. But also, we can’t really afford to move. And of course at some point we will have to buy baby stuff.

Also been getting stressed due to having some odd bleeding, which thankfully is nothing to worry about and my cervix prolapsing. But before knowing all that was harmless, it caused me to worry and stress. As you worry about bleeding in pregnancy and fear the worst. But no, all is good with baby. Have had scans to confirm that.

I must admit, I am still hurting over the whole being kicked out of that Anxiety Group I was in. Still makes my head spin, all that was said and how very untrue it all was and inaccurate. I have never been so hurt by words in my life. As it’s one thing when people are saying nasty stuff at school, cause they have issues. As you can get over that as you mature, as you realize they have the issues, not you. But when adults are saying stuff about you and your character which they believe is true, but it just isn’t, that hurts a whole lot.

Yeah, I may be self-assured for the most part, but I am still vulnerable, emotional and I do care what some people think and I am able to get hurt.

I have found the community mental health team of no help. They keep asking how they can help me and what I expect from them and I don’t know what I can access and what they can help with. So I have trouble answering that, past, I would like to feel supported and access any practical help they can offer. They tell me, that’s not specific enough. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what services they offer or can offer. All I know is, I had an assessment and based on that day and not on my answers in the questionnaire, which honestly rated my depression as severe, they deemed me stable and said they could offer me 1 appointment to look at medication options.

Gah! How sick I am of people trying to just medicate mentally ill people and not treat the cause and not offer support! Stop taking the easy way out! That is NOT how you fix people or support them!

Anyway, that is all. Might go ice the cake.