Tag Archive: depressed


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

So don’t want to go to bed at any point and make tomorrow come sooner. So don’t want to do tomorrow or the whole stress of moving on Tuesday. I just want to runaway and hide from it all

Also, I want to slap my fiancé. He has not helped pack or do any of the cleaning and he has been playing either GTA 5 on the PS3 or been on his computer every spare minute. Even while looking after the baby.

I feel so unsupported and I feel he is being really f’n selfish!

I have told him how I feel and his response was, “well I’ll be doing the moving stuff into the moving truck and I’ve been looking after the baby”.

Um, hello! The baby sleeps and you don’t have mental health issues! ARGH!!!

I just want to cry and yell and scream! I feel so hurt and unsupported 😥

Self-Harm

I was in somewhat of a blunted, weird mood last night and for some reason felt a strong desire to self-harm. It’s probably clear by the shape of the scar, I was screaming for help.

I don’t know fully why I did it. Though, part of it if feeling numbness and blunted. Part of it is despair over the big changes in my life and such a change in my family dynamics. Such as, the fact my older daughter doesn’t live with me. That really hurts me deep inside. Others might not see it and maybe I don’t let it show, as much as it is hurting me and tearing my heart up.

I’m struggling with my life as it is and want a do over. I want a fresh, clean slate, to do it again and do it properly. But that is impossible. I broke mentally and emotionally big time after having my last baby. And I love him, he’s such a darling, sweet, gorgeous boy. But some days I want to just run away and just be with my 2 girls. And without the complication of a relationship and young baby. I know how selfish that is though.

Man I so hope my mood improves once I move. As it seems to be getting worse, the closer it comes to moving date. Which is in 6 days time.

I used photoshop tool on the below pic, to show what I’d done with the self-harm, with the red felt tool.
SH 001SH 002

Today. How I am feeling…

I am feeling like, I have no energy and I certainly do not have any motivation.

I’m so very over feeling low, unmotivated and depressed.

Like, what the hell and why the fuck do I still feel this way?!

I’m over it!

I see no good reason for it. I want this to end, now! Why can’t it just?

It’s really doing my head in. As I see no good reason why it is continuing.

I am, as I feel at present, so over my life. Not in a suicidal way. Just in a, it’s so boring and mundane, kind of way.

I am lacking interest in anything. Nothing is holding or maintaining my interest.

Being a parent is hard, being a partner is hard.

Doing, what seems like the same shit, everyday is lame.

I try to mix it up, but at the moment I am so dissatisfied with everything.

Even seeing friends and spent time with them, chatting and venting is not helping. As, it usually does.

Why is nothing working?

The usual formulas to get my head right, are not working.

This is bloody frustrating!

Stupid bloody depression!

You, you are not my friend! Go away, you big black dog. Stop following me. Stop making yourself at home in my life and in my head. Just go!

I’m not going to be all like, poor me, nobody gets me or understands me, even if I feel like that. As I know that’s not true. Way too many people get it and that’s sad that so many of us suffer.

I’m just incredibly frustrated as you can tell. As the usual strategies aren’t working.

Over it aye. It’s very draining feeling low for this long.

It crept up on me and took me by surprise and I’ve not managed to overcome it as yet.

Hurts my pride a little to be honest.

I keep thinking, oh I’ve worked out the source or sources, so in theory, shouldn’t the fact that I’ve acknowledged them help me move on and in theory, shouldn’t I be better by now.

I’m lost as to what to do.

I’m addressing the sleep issue, my diet is good, I got some exercise, I have seen a few friends, I have talked it out, written it out, I’m trying to stay calm and avoid stress. So yeah, not sure what more I can do.

A holiday would be great 🙂

Depressed :'(

Sometimes I resist sharing how I am truly feeling, due to the emotions that come up. And, when you’ve been crying a lot, the one thing you’re not so keen on doing, is crying more.

Depressed. That I am.

I keep feeling like a big fuck up. Like all I am doing lately is fucking up.

Friendships ending. Feeling unsupported. Feeling like I want to escape.

Need to escape, need time out. But feel I have nowhere to escape to.

Sick of feeling like a fuck up. Sick of feeling depressed. Sick of feeling hopeless.

Sick of being stuck at home and over not having any social contact for 2 weeks or so.

My toddler I am finding hard to handle, due to my low mood. I have had enough on a daily basis.

I’m over, just about everything on a daily basis.

And I am doing my very best not to eat my emotions. As in, eat bad food, because of how I am feeling emotionally. As I don’t want to feel like shit, if I do that, due to guilt and weight gain.

My tooth pain is still hanging around. But is improving. So that’s been exactly 2 weeks of tooth pain. Grr!

My appetite is crap. My stomach is still feeling a bit sensitive. But on the plus side, I have lost some weight.

Got my navel pierced a few weeks ago. But really hate how my belly looks, so won’t be showing it off any time soon.

Still really sad about losing my close friendship.

I hate feeling so hopeless.

But, my darling toddler is being cute at the moment and giving me much needed cuddles.

I don’t get cuddles much from friends.

But honestly, I don’t give out many cuddles either. As, for some reason I feel weird about affection. I think due to never getting affection growing up and also having a fiance who only gives affection if he wants to get some(have sex). Yes he kisses me when he goes to work or I go out, but that’s it.