Feeling Stuck, Overwhelmed, Lost

Actually putting in the time to write a post is hard. I just get overwhelmed and everything is an effort

Just even thinking about actioning any desire to post makes me anxious sometimes

Sometimes my level of anxiety about doing things just overwhelms me and stops me from taking any action

I’ve been feeling kind of in a funk at work lately. Just very over my job and how simple and unchallenging it is. I feel like it doesn’t require a whole lot of skill and most people could do it. Also been feeling unappreciated at work also. Seems a bit of a popularity contest at times. As it seems the well liked and more popular group of people seem to stick up for their buddies and let management know they are doing a good job. Doesn’t seem to matter if I am doing just as good a job or better. After nearly 4 months, not once has there been any feedback telling me I’m appreciated and doing a good job

I expressed this frustration to a work colleague and she has felt the same with regards to herself and her effort and not being appreciated or acknowledged. She did at least say she considers me to be a hard worker with a great work ethic, so it’s good to be told someone sees it

I also talked to my temp agency about this frustration and he says the place I’m working at does sing my praises and appreciate me. And I’m like, yeah great, but why do they never bother to let me know this? Why do they seem to only show appreciation for the popular bunch?…

With my job I feel very unchallenged also and I feel like they are just going to leave me in the mundane job I’m doing, despite that not being the job I was hired to do and despite me making it very clear I need a challenge and I would like to be in other roles. I guess I just don’t feel heard or appreciated. Also, despite having an interview over a month ago, I have heard nothing. So it leads me to believe they have chosen someone else over me, because I have other commitments and can’t do weekends

Like I understand they are a business and why they would prioritize others who can do more hours. But I do a better job then several of those others and I don’t slack off and get paid for doing minimal. I actually do my job very well and don’t slack off at all

I am putting in the effort to upskill myself, as it seems I’m just not getting the opportunities at work, so I have to effect change myself

I know myself well and when I am getting depressed at work and hating my job, it’s hard to focus and to want to stick at it. So as an adult who is responsible for steering my own ship, I’m doing something about it

I’ve had a lot going on lately. I’ve moved out of the flat I was in, have moved into a caravan, which is a huge change and such a huge adjustment, which at times feels like a lot and is hard to feel at ease with

I have felt judged by my oldest daughters grandparents, as they thought it was a step backwards and lets just be honest, they are kind of being closed minded snobs about the whole caravan thing and where I have relocated to. Yeah, I get it, they worry. But it’s not really fair for them to make assumptions and judgements without actually talking to me and seeing where things are at in my life. They basically freaked out and thought it was me going backwards. I had to explain to them that I am actually paying $10 more a week where I am now and it was the most affordable option for someone living alone. Rent is high these days and living alone in even just a 2 bedroom flat is way more expensive then it was when I moved in to the old flat. I paid $320 per week and now that same size and same location is $430-$480 per week and that was just not affordable on a single wage

Then there were other stresses with my own family and how my mother feels about my younger 2 kids and their shyness and reluctance to converse with her or others. And granted, I get it that it’s not ideal. But basically telling 2 young kids that they are rude, yelling at them and calling their father a loser who is fucking up their life, is the wrong way to approach these concerns. And using tough love as an excuse and saying you’re not going to pussy foot around the subject, is not being responsible for your words and actions. And all the kids hear, is you’re bad and your dad is a bad person. I urged my mother to be more mindful of her language and the consequences of what she said. She just got on the defensive. Yes I did say to her that her tough love screwed me up and she didn’t like hearing that, but I am allowed to speak my truth and assert myself. She felt like using tough love on me while I was growing up would make me tougher. I told her, no, I was a sensitive and emotional child and that was actually more damaging then anything else

I do make a point of acknowledging that I know all this comes from a place of love, so she knows it is seen and appreciated that she tries, even if the delivery is wrong

Parents have a hard time taking advice from their adult children. I feel like they feel disrespected sometimes when an adult child asserts themselves. Sadly their reactions are a result of their own upbringing. Some of us are just breaking the unhelpful cycles of possibly generations of harsh parenting

Tough love has it’s place yes. But a wise person knows when to employ it and when to hold your tongue. Words are damaging

Saying your granddaughter has an attitude for expressing an opinion that differs from yours is also not fair. Neither is pushing someone and trying to force your opinion on someone while they are asking for space and to be left alone. Especially if that person is having a very obvious panic attack and trying to find ways to calm themselves

It was a very hard night for me having 2 of my girls in tears, having panic attacks and trying to keep everything calm and protect them. That experience did wear on me a lot. That was also the same weekend my oldest daughters granddad expressed his concerns and judgement, so it was a lot to handle

So all of that passed and it was meant to be back to work, but then I had a little accident on my motorbike and broke a part on my motorbike and injured my foot. Apparently it’s a temporary dislocation of some bone in my right foot. So as a result I’ve not been able to work all week

So everything just built up and was a lot to handle. The moving and feeling vulnerable here by myself. The feeling isolated as I’m in a different part of NZ now. The stress of the other weekend. The lack of satisfaction and lack of appreciation at work. The injuring myself. The drain on myself physically while I’m healing and also the lack of uncertainty with not being able to work and now relying on a ridiculously small amount of money from WINZ to survive on and how I will get by while I’m doing a 2 week Wheels, Tracks and Rollers course. So yesterday I was a bit of a mess. Crying a lot of the day, feeling like utter shit, no motivation in doing anything

Got a bit needy and insecure and was begging my ex to come hang out with me. Which isn’t really fair or enjoyable for him. Then I cause him to worry about me and that’s not a burden I want to put on him

I guess I give him confusing and mixed messages at times by laying all my crap on him. Like I think he feels responsible for trying to come up with a solution or a way to fix the problems I express. All I am really wanting is to share how I’m feeling. But I think I have trouble with getting the right balance. Like I want to be fair to him and his needs and not burden him. Sometimes I think I am too busy trying to get out of my funk and I don’t realize how laying my crap on others might feel for them or drain them or ware on them

He said he feels sometimes like he’s just a dumping ground for my crap and yeah that’s not fair

He is the only person I feel is a true friend and who I can actually rely upon. He very much has my back and has always supported me and encouraged me and he’s the one person I trust the most. I trusted him with my heart, my vulnerability and the mess I used to be and he certainly stepped up and proved he was the only person deserving of that trust and vulnerability. I do honestly feel like people like him only come by once in a lifetime and that you should make sure they know how special they are to you and that they are appreciated and seen and supported

One of my rattos died earlier this week and that was really unexpected and hard to deal with. He was pretty special to me and he had a special relationship with me. As I was the only person he ever bonded with. He was quite a shy boy. His name was Shadow. So that’s been quite hard losing him and now I’m worried about his brother Dusty, as Dusty is looking like he might be on his way out too. Just looking at him now he looks a bit concerning. Like he might be on his last legs. But sometimes I get it wrong and they’ve still got a bit more life left in them. I just got extra worried, as yesterday he fell out of his basket

I feel like sometimes I’m all over the place with my thinking and writing and that maybe it’s hard to follow and wonder if it makes sense. I also think too much and overthink, so yeah, that doesn’t help

Anyway, I got this. Everything is alright, even when it all feels like too much and everything is always fine in the end. And I can always take back control when things feel out of control and tomorrow is a new day and the future is always full of new possibilities and I am responsible for my happiness

Anyway, I should probably get some sleep soon

It’s been a while

I’ve been through a lot since my relationship ended last year in November. Ups and downs. Some bad decisions, but I feel more good decisions have been made then bad.

Out of loneliness and desperation for social contact, I did hang around with some less then desirable people and made bad choices. Took drugs that I regret ever trying. I don’t feel I ever got to a point of being reliant or addicted, as I feel it was more being around the drug and people who had a dependency on it and simply partaking out of boredom and just being around those people. I never really cared for it and can happily live without it and those people and the stresses that their lives involved. I was mostly using it as a distraction from my unhappy feelings. It was most definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. Trying to runaway from my reality, instead of facing it head on and making the changes I needed to, to make my life better. Certainly I do not think people who take such a drug are bad people, but they tend to be, from my observation, very stuck, hurting people, who generally have traumas and issues that they haven’t resolved and rather then actually doing the right thing for themselves and working through their traumas and issues, they choose to numb it and block it out with drugs. This, as we all know, never fixes anything. This is always a temporary solution and never serves to improve their lives and then due to their addiction, they do end up make bad choices and becoming pretty shitty in how they behave and treat others, out of desperation to feed their addiction. It’s really bloody sad. I am quite empathetic and I see their pain, but I don’t accept their excuses. I can empathize with how their trauma is a constant struggle to live with, but still, you are the author of your life and only you can rewrite your story and that there is power. A power that I wish these people would embrace.

All you can do is say, “hey, I see you. I see your pain. I see how much it hurts, I see how hard you struggle. But you can do better and be better and you have these skillsets and you can make something of your life and you know that”. No-one will ever change until they are ready. All you can do is let them know someone believes in them, that they are important and people do care and leave it at that. You can’t hang around to see if they make these changes, as due to their addiction, they will sadly use you, manipulate you and play on your sympathies to feed their addiction.

That’s as much time as I’m willing to devote to that subject. I’m done with that drug and those people and my life is better for it.

I was so sick of living a life of regret and shame. I hated hurting people I love when I was weak. I hated that I lied and only thought about myself at times, in the context of making selfish choices that did not serve my growth and I couldn’t be the best me.

I am SO lucky for the few great people I have in my life. I keep my circle small for a reason. Only people who want the best for me I allow to stay in my life. I am thankful to my Mum for being there and loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. For supporting me and advocating for me when I was depressed and suicidal last year and the mental health sector didn’t offer me any help. I am so thankful she kept pushing until someone would hear me and offer me the support I desperately needed. I am thankful for my friend Lindsay, even though he didn’t always know what to say, what he had to say was supportive and caring and just even if all he could do was listen, that was huge to me. I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sophie telling me some hard truths and pulling me up on being kind of shit Mum during the Xmas holidays and not being there for her. She was blunt, but I love that she was and I needed her to tell me straight how that effected her. It really helped me. Yeah, no doubt it was very hard to hear. As it hurt and I hurt her and failed her when I couldn’t be present. As I was not coping after my break up and I just couldn’t be present and be the parent she needed. I am thankful to my ex, who is still my friend and I think he will always be my best friend, despite everything. Because we have been each others best friend for 5 years and we are used to sharing our lives, triumphs and struggles with each other. And I Love him no doubt. It hurts me so much when I know he is hurting because of me. He’s been my biggest supporter in life and been with me through so much. The best and the worst and he still stayed loyal and by my side, loving me through it all. But I wasn’t always the team player and partner he needed and I was detrimental to his mental health at times, due to my unresolved issues. So I respect he needed to leave and put that time and distance between us, to look after himself and ultimately it forced me to look after myself and find myself and start to heal my life. I do want a life with him and I hope in the future we can have that. We do both care for each other deeply and love each other. But because of my last slip up with drugs on my birthday, his guard is up and his trust towards me is shaken. So that will take time to rebuild. But I appreciate that he texts with me every day and we chat on the phone several times a week. He is irreplaceable. No one has captured my heart like him. No-one gets me like he does and he’s just a beautiful soul, so kindhearted and a real man. He softened my hardened heart.

I’ve had to sever contact with his parents, as they don’t agree I should be in his life in any capacity. I do understand based on the past me, that they have their reservations. But people can and do change. But I can’t allow myself to care so much what they think and about their approval, as the last interaction I had with his father, left me feeling enraged, hopeless and suicidal and rather then allow his father to throw anything more at me that had such a negative response by me, I did what was best for me and cut off contact. If you have followed my blog and read many of my previous posts about myself, you may recall I have quite an issue with seeking approval of parents, especially fathers. I think fathers, because I lost my own father at an early age, so I tend to crave that acceptance more.

I am a lot stronger then I realized. That I am still standing and persevering despite such a long struggle with depression is awesome. The end of last year was so hard for me. Living by myself has been very hard and yeah, there was a period of bad decisions because of loneliness. My brief time on Tinder, I thought it was about sex, but when I really looked at myself, it was loneliness and not respecting myself and not loving myself and not caring about myself. It was so much deeper, that behaviour, then what it seemed. Truth, once I got over my self destructive tendencies, I realized I don’t even care about sex, unless it’s in a relationship and with someone I love. It doesn’t feel good, it lacks substance and depth. I feel some females can tend to keep sex very separate from feelings at times. This is evidenced in how females can tend to move on sexually or otherwise quite fast. We can be a bit ruthless to be honest. Men, despite many misconceptions have more depth and emotional connections related to sex. Interesting, because there’s always been this perception that women are the more emotional sex. Hmm, don’t fully agree. It’s just more socially acceptable for us to have and show emotions. I feel the opposite is true. I feel men are the more emotional sex. But it is less accepted as appropriate for them to show emotion by society. Yes, there is more acceptance of this, but still we have a long way to go. I feel women really are given way too much leeway and they get away with so much that they shouldn’t. We are taught from a young age in fact, to be less then honest and how to manipulate and in fact how to use our sexuality to get our way in certain situations. Whereas men are taught to be honest, loyal, truthful and to make their family proud. They are taught to be hardworking, nurturing, protective and they have a huge weight of expectations on them by society and family. I accept I’m a female and it is what it is, but I am not proud of what little is honestly expected of us. I mean come on, really?! Why do we get bought up with such questionable values?! Why didn’t we get bought up to be honest, loyal, truthful, hardworking and protective?…. Like in this world of equality, this is fucked! Granted, there are likely some women who may have been bought up in a less morally questionable way, but I’m not one of them and every female I have known so far, accept maybe one, was bought up much the same as me. And just let me say, I think men do deserve to get paid more with regards to certain careers. This isn’t about sexism though, it’s about certain tasks they can better perform then women and I’m not saying there aren’t possibly women who could do some of those tasks, it’s possible, but this is why the higher pay is justified.

On to another subject. Stoicism and Philosophy. Both bloody awesome subjects! I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on Stoics, Stoicism and Philosophers and Philosophy and it’s very insightful and relevant and can definitely be used to better our lives. Markus Aurelius, Socrates, Seneca, Epictetus. I have come to discover a lot of modern Psychology has a lot of basis and inspiration from Philosophy and Stoicism, especially CBT.

So, what else have I been upto lately. Well, self improvement, studying for my Class 2 license and Forklift License. Trying to get a full time job. Eating well and looking after my mind, body and soul. Living a life I can be proud of. I can’t remember if I have mentioned my annoying diet restrictions. Annoyingly I am Gluten Intolerant, Lactose Intolerant and Egg Intolerant. Makes eating healthy on a small budget so damn difficult! You go to the supermarket and have to really look and not be impulsive. That not being impulsive with foods has been a hard one to work with. As I love sweet, bad things, but my body WILL punish me if I eat bad foods 😦

I’m feeling a lot happier these days and have more energy and motivation. Dropping the antidepressants seems to have helped with that. Though I do still have dreams that are intense and sometimes emotionally charged or distressing. But I’ve come to accept that might just be because dreams are the brains way of resolving issues, whether current or past. Having to just use your own strength to deal with your many varying and intense emotions without the aid of antidepressants just shows how strong you really are. But damn! It is not the easiest task to sit with those intense emotions, especially the desire to self harm or any suicidal thoughts, when you don’t have the off switch or balancing influence of antidepressants. But look, I am still here and I’ve not self harmed and I’m still living my life and finding hope.

It used to feel like I had this lifelong sentence with BPD. I feel the essence of my issues with regards to BPD was the shifting self identity and now that I have a more solid sense of self and feel assured of who ‘I’ am, I am feeling more at ease, more contented and less of a lost cause. I feel so much more hope for myself and the future. It sux when you lose yourself and just can’t work out where you fit in this world. Finding that renewed sense of self is a beautiful, powerful thing.

Right, I’m happy with that level of sharing and also, just past midnight and I need to sleep. Thanks to anyone following my blog and reading it. I appreciate it and appreciate you. I hope what I share helps others feel less alone in this messed up world. Knowing you aren’t the only one going through what you’re going through is reassuring and makes life, with it’s ups and downs and various struggles, that little bit easier just knowing you aren’t alone in your struggles. Hence why I blog and I encourage others to blog. This started as an outlet just for me and then became about just being real in hopes that others might draw inspiration from knowing they aren’t alone and being at the very least, comforted by that. I do my best not to filter myself, as I want to be as real as possible about my ups and downs.

I have a few thing’s to say

Firstly, to my ex who clearly does read my blog.  Do not read my post and then turn around and call me a hypocrite and suggest that I do not have empathy and compassion. What I write in here is MY TRUTH and MY PERSPECTIVE.

Secondly, I do have emotions, even though I may not bare them for all the world to see.  I do get effected, I do feel like crying at times and I do cry.  I am not consistently ‘up’ like some people perceive me to be.  I do still have lows.  Just because I am not drawing attention to the fact, does not mean that I am constantly in an up mood.

Yes, my blog is somewhere I can tell my truth and be completely honest.  And yes, it is an insight into my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.  But please remember, this is all from my perspective.  Misinterpretation is bound to happen, as we all have a unique perspective, a unique view of the world and people can attempt to understand and may relate, but no one is ME.

I feel quite undermined by how certain people and you know who you are, try to put everything down to BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Forgetting I have not actually been diagnosed with the disorder itself, but traits of this disorder.  What must be remembered is that there is actually quite a spectrum and sliding scale on this disorder and some people are on the lower side, some on the medium side and some on the high side. I urge you to keep this in mind.

I am Kelly.  I am not my disorder.  My Mental Illness is a part of me, but it does not define me, it is not my personality, it is just there in varying waves and intensities.

I urge you to also remember that I am a highly intelligent person, with a lot of insight and knowledge in many fields and yes, quite the expert on Mental Health from a learned and lived experience of it.  And call me arrogant, but I am most definitely the expert when it comes to MY Mental Health.  Remember, I have been living with it much of my life.

This blog post might be interpreted by certain people as a dig at them, but it is not.  It is simply me speaking MY truth.

Currently I am somewhat isolated and restricted to go wherever I like, whenever I like. Because I am not a complete cunt and I have allowed my ex to use my car battery for his car, which I did pay for and happily changed into his ownership before I left, as him being able to transport the kid’s around is more of a priority.  But weirdly I am apparently not empathetic or compassionate… Interesting interpretation I must say.  Thankfully I have someone in my life who helps me get out and about when they are free.

So apparently my ex thinks I need to know that thing’s have turned to shit at home because I left and I am not a very good parent presently.  Um, yeah, why would you think that would benefit me to know?!  Sound’s like a great boost for one’s self-esteem NOT! Granted, thing’s have changed there big time and it is a huge change and adjustment, but I do not need to be persecuted and attacked because of that.

Yes, walking away from a 9 year relationship is huge and I am not denying that.

But sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

You should not stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, unsatisfied with and uncommitted to.  Staying is way more damaging for everyone.  And yes, someone will get hurt and it will shatter them and it will take a long time to heal from that.  But ultimately it is for the best.  Though for the one hurting right now, that can not be fully appreciated. Though one day it will make sense.  Life will make sense again and the pain will fade and that hurt WILL heal.

I do love my children, though my family and ex are doubting that fact right now.  My decision will benefit the children in the long run.  Better to have 2 happy parents eventually, then 1 happy parent and 1 miserable parent staying just because society and many others think it is what is best.  It is actually proven to be more damaging to the children to have the unhappy parent stay in the long run.  Children are not naive, they know when thing’s are less then ideal at home.

Do you know one thing I appreciate the most about my friend’s?  They let me be me. They allow me to speak openly, honestly and unfiltered.  They get me.  They never judge me. They never make me feel bad about myself.  They encourage me.  They really understand me.  I know I can tell them anything and nothing will change.  They will still be that beautiful, inspiring, loyal, trustworthy, unique and life changing person I will always cherish.  I choose my friend’s wisely.  So to those I call friend’s, you are fucking awesome, beautiful, inspiring, unique diamond’s to me.  And I am glad you came into my life!  And I have high standards you know, so not just anybody passes the friend test.  Just saying…

I think I have been VERY distracted by the internet today.  As it is now 5:45am.  And I clearly have not been blogging all that time.

Yeah, so, I should go do some sleeping aye.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

 

A lot has changed

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore.  But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason.  So I called him back.  He said “I think we need to talk”.  I asked “what about?”  He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”.  I asked him if he had been looking on my social media.  He said “no, I have just read your blog”.  I was thinking oh shit!  So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing.  What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending.  He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok.  Which I have great respect for.  He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes.  But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage.  But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing?  I didn’t have a conscience about it.  I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something.  I should have felt ashamed.  But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on.  Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them.  I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work.  Yeah I was angry and hurting.  I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to.  Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s.  I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship.  I just didn’t know how.  So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend.  I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness.  Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos.  Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement.  I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?!  Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about.  My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy.  Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around.  He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard.  I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies.  That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything.  And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him.  I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know.  Just assuming the worse.  Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age.  It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?!  Like, never!  I have always been immature and have never acted my age.  And I have always had friends younger then me.  It’s just me.  That’s who I am and always have been.  It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years.  This is ME.  This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out.  As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2.  So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting.  As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them.  So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people.  Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer.  They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now.  Which is mostly ok.  But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me.  As I like to have my freedom.  My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week.  And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized.  So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote.  As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately.  Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap!  It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

The Storm Before The Calm?…

This week… Argh!  This week has been stressful.  Between unplanned and unbudgeted wedding expenses and my fiance’s moods, it has been hard.

The unplanned expenses which I had not budgeted for, therefore had no money set aside for was the first lot of stresses.  So I had to use food money to pay for 1 of those things and then apply for a food grant, which was approved, but minimal.  And the second expense I can hopefully cover with a refund I am getting.

Lately I have been finding my fiance quite moody.  And I am having to remind him to not be so grumpy and negative towards my oldest daughter and to watch his language.  He then goes and takes that as me not supporting him and me undermining him, which it totally isn’t and then he has a sulk.

I know I am a Mum and a parent, but I do not feel that therefore makes me qualified to mediate or try and counsel between my daughter and fiance.

Matter of the fact is, I feel like my fiance just responds to me challenging him regarding my oldest daughter, with excuses and that is not on.

I have fought really hard to keep her in my care and I know part of her unhappiness is due to their strained relationship.  I can totally sympathize with the fact that sometimes my daughter says she wishes it was just her and I.

Any decent man in their right mind should know that children come first ahead of all things.  Them included!

Today was exceptionally stressful. As it seemed my fiance woke up in a bad mood, due to staying up too late doing who knows what on the computer.  And he starts having a bitch at me for heading down to the car and not brushing our daughters hair.  I was like “what?!”, “if you wanted me to do that just ask, instead of bitching at me for not doing it”.  I think it’s bullshit that I can given shit for something I was not asked to do.  So he continued on being a moody shit for the next hour.  I said to him that it is not fair to take it out on others due to being tired and grumpy, due to his choice to stay up so late.

Then later he starts bitching at me about the wedding and saying it is more like my wedding then our’s.  Honestly, after this it was really doing my head in.  I said to him it is hardly fair to whinge about the choices I made after the fact and reminded him I discussed ideas with him way before making finals decisions.  So he did have plenty of opportunity to say, hey, I’m not so keen on that idea.

Then after school our youngest daughter was in a mood and kept whinging and he ends up only responding when my daughter does something and directs his bad mood at her.  Which of course I call him out on and he gets more moody and sulks.

By the time I was half way to the supermarket I was just so over everything.  It was all just stressing me out so much and I just wanted to run away and go slash my wrists.  Yeah, not a wise thing to do.  I am just finding stress really hard to deal with.

Tonight my fiance got in a mood again and was swearing and swearing at my daughter too.  Again, as you would expect, I told him that was not on.  And again he started to have a sulk.

It’s like enough already!!!

So yeah, the title of this blog is wishful thinking.  I am hoping this storm is going to pass and things will become calm.

I am not sure how well I will cope if things do not calm down.  I already want to run away.

I have been eating healthy this week, as I am sick of hating how my body looks and knowing it is my bad eating habits that is causing all this weight gain and unsightly fat.  I am sick of seeing my slim photos and longing to look like that again.  It is time to start working towards that goal and stop making excuses.

I did eat more pancakes for dinner tonight then was healthy.  So I did do something that was not so healthy.  I made myself throw up as much of it as I could.  Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not healthy.  Don’t worry I am not planning on making a habit of it.

So, our wedding is only 7 days away.  And this week had started out calm and I was feeling ok.  But lately I have been feeling quite stressed and honestly really quite low and depressed.

I hope the next 7 days go well.  I know the weather is not planning on being particularly kind for the next week.  But hey, what can ya do?.  Not much.

My fiance is being ‘realistic’ and mentioning all that could go wrong with the possibly muddy reserve.  This realism is not helpful to me.  I am trying to stay calm and just take things as they come.

My friend has been sick most of this week, so sadly I have not seen her yet this week.  I really enjoy hanging out with her. We can be real with each other and totally honest.  I really cherish our friendship.

I finally went to the cemetery and found my friend who committed suicides plot.  It felt weird.  I guess because he was cremated and also because I don’t know if his ashes are there are not.  It is quite hard to connect with the reality still.

I am still on weekly pick up with my Quetiapine which is annoying.  But those are the consequences for misusing your medication and getting caught out.

I was supposed be doing some kind of journalling that the grief counselling suggested, but that hasn’t happened as yet.  I can’t even remember where I put the piece of paper that explained it.

I’m pretty sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I am just so drained that I can’t remember.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

Semi-colon Tattoo and other things

So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week.  Here’s a photo.

I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away!  I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress.  As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up.  So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small.  As in a 17cm gap.  So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits.  So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly.  Also it is gorgeous as!  So that is a positive.  I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress.  But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted.  So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time.  I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast.  Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for.  I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully.  And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him.  But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids.  As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times.  He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer.  Granted he may be right on some level.  But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general.  He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be.  He said quite a few nasty things in anger.  But I didn’t hear all of it fully.  As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out.  And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me.  But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel.  But I don’t feel like that changes anything.  I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved.  Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad.  For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old.  Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him.  And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire.  But then I think, is it though?  Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life.  I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep.  I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise.  I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy.  I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied.  I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more.  It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

Where things are at currently…as at Saturday 27th June 2015

Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that.  Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount.  But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot.  I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him.  There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet.  I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much.  And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose.  I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there.  I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks.  At least I am happy with my hair at present.  Though I prefer it when it’s straightened.  At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook.  That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil.  He’s my friend that committed suicide.  Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well.  And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health.  So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it.  Which is very important to me.  Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her.  As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome.  So I got her one of these necklace’s: http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368.  I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it.  I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it.  Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance.  I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay.  He always replies with don’t be silly.  I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately.  He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time.  Sometimes I feel so angered by it!  Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt.  But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids.  It’s not cool though.  It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported.  I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot.  But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep.  Thanks for reading.  Night.

The outcome and so on

So, on Friday just passed I had the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review for my oldest daughter. It was stressful, intimidating, distressing and emotional.

The days leading up to it most definitely had a lot of negative effect on my sleep. With me often not getting to sleep til 1am – 1:30am.

Thankfully my BFF in Wellington was available in the end and I was able to stay with her and spend some time with her and she was also able to come as my support person.

The FGC was not a fun process. There was a lot of stress throughout it. And it is really quite horrible how certain participants in the review put across that they support you and then they turn around and get nasty. I would even call some of the behaviour, especially from my daughters carers, bullying tactics. The whole process brought a lot of things to light and not pleasant things. One of the most hurtful twists was when my own Mother went from being one of my biggest supporters and completely on the same page as me, to turning around and pretty much going with the view of all my opposers. Which was that, my daughter would be bette off staying in Wellington. That hurt more then anything else ever! After she had turned around and agreed with them, I could no longer keep strong and hold my composure and I had to walk out of the meeting for a time. I was SO upset by that. I felt like, yet again, the people who were supposed to be my biggest supporters had turned on me and that hurts like a bitch! My younger sister however continued to support me and battle for me, which I am SO grateful for. I was a bit shocked that my older sister appeared to still be holding on to the past and she even brought up my blog and how she had read some of it and been quite hurt by my posts. Which, granted, she is entitled to feel that way. But I did not feel it needed to be brought up in the meeting. Pretty much everything the CYFS social worker put across that my sister had said, was negative. Saying I still appear to have communication problems and our relationship as sisters was still strained. Which was quite a shock to me. As in my mind we had made amends when I went and apologized to her for the unkind things I had written in my blog about her. And as for me not going to see her much, I was respecting the fact that she is going through her own stuff at the moment. My daughters grandparents on her father’s side were still making out that I was some kind pariah. His wife going as far as bursting into tears when describing how she felt my daughter was neglected by me. Clearly her husband had done a damn fine job of putting me across as some kind of fuck up of a parent. He threatened that if my daughter went backwards in all the areas she has made gains in, he would not hesitate to take legal action to gain custody of her, like he did with her aunties daughter. Like what the hell?! How can he even put me in the same category as her! She had an abusive boyfriend and they bolted from the hospital down south with their newborn. I was so glad to have my BFF there to support me. As she knows me and my family well and everything I have been through. Throughout the whole review, it very much looked like it was never going to go in my favour. So it was quite a shock when it did. I guess it shows just how strong I am, even though I did not realise I was that strong. As this whole process had damn near broken me. It seems very much that everybody opposing me seemed very focussed on the negative and the failures and this was blinding them to all the gains, growth and positives. I pretty much took any opportunity to squash their concerns and reassure them I have changed and I am a better parent for it and that I deserve the chance to show this. I felt quite disgusted about how my daughters carers turned on me at the end, just as they were about to leave. The husband gave me a nasty look and pointed directly at me and said “get this right!” and his wife said “bloody hell, the CYFS file is already this thick(motioning with her fingers the thickness), don’t go making it any thicker”. I am happy with the result. And when I told my fiance and he told our younger daughter and she was so excited, that made me even happier. As my children being together is the most important thing and their happiness makes me happy.

I did not expect my mood to dip down a bit after Friday, but I guess it is understandable. As all that was so emotionally taxing. By Friday evening I got home and wanted to just fall asleep on the lounge floor.

You just do not realise at the time, how hard it is to sit through a meeting from 10:30am – 3pm trying to keep it together and feeling like you are singlehandedly arguing your case and quite heavily responsible for the outcome. I am so glad that day is behind me.

I am aware this by no means does not mean CYFS are out of my life. I am quite sure they will be keeping a close eye on me.

My Nelson CYFS social worker and Family Start worker did a great job though of supporting me and putting across their faith in me and my capabilities. I think that helped a great deal too.

It was quite hard reading what my older daughter wrote about what she wanted and how she in fact wanted to stay living with her carers. Being told that by her on the Thursday night and reading that at the start of the meeting made me feel quite disheartened and was some of the reason I feared the outcome would not go in my favour.

I am SO glad that day is behind me and that I can finally feel hopeful and get excited that my daughter is coming home.

I have managed to be able to drop my Quetiapine back down to 50mgs, so I am happy about that.

That is all for now. It has been quite hard being able to get a decent blog post written without the internet at home. So thankfully the Nelson Library has free 60 minutes internet access for all members.

This week is the week

The FGC(family group conference) is only 4 days away. And sadly my friend who was coming as my support person can no longer come, as his partner is in hospital. So someone I know in Wellington is going to come instead. So I hope that goes well.

I was planning to stay with my best friend in Wellington, but I have not heard back from her about that. So I have decided to just stay at a backpackers in the CBD. Which should be fine. As I can just walk to the CYFS(child, youth and family) office for the FGC. Plus I think I can benefit from some time away from everyone, just being and having no place to be and nothing to do. Clearly this time with no internet has effected me positively. I remember last year when I was in Wellington staying at the backpackers before I headed down to Nelson for a few days and I just felt anxious and on edge all the time. Remembering that shows me just how far I have come.

Yes, today I am in a good place. But the past week has not been so lovely. On Friday I was a mess and feeling really depressed, worried and panicked about the FGC review and the possible outcome. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I felt so broken. I have been having moments of shear panic when I have looked at the calendar and how close the FGC is. It is a daunting task, the fact I have to bring my argument as to why being with me is in my oldest daughters best interests and doing it without my original support person. I hope it goes ok. I really do not want to think about worse case scenario. As I feel that will only upset me, freak me out and cause me a huge amount of anxiety and panic.

I have rejoined the world of Facebook. I got bored while I was at the library on Friday afternoon, so I reactivated my account. I feel I have it under control and I do not feel I am obsessed with it anymore. But I do miss Pinterest.

I spent some time with my other best friend of about 22 years on Saturday. Which was both good for her and I. She is likely moving to the same suburb as me, which will be great.

I had the Nelson CYFS social worker visit this morning. She is really happy with how things are going with us.

The Emotional Regulation work is going well and I have been consistently keeping my DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) up to date.

I am feeling strong currently. Which is the polar opposite to how I was feeling on Friday.

On Friday afternoon I just had to leave the house. As I was such a mess and I was feeling easily annoyed and I just needed some time alone to let my emotions out.

Seems letting them out is not as bad as I thought. It almost seems to have benefited me.

I think sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I am supposed to use the DBT skills and I feel like I am not supposed to let such intense emotions out, but instead manage them. But maybe I have that wrong and I am allowed to let emotions out. Especially if letting them out is not going to lead to negative actions as a result.

I am hoping my headspace stays where it is currently. I do worry a little that the closer it gets to Friday, the more anxious, worried and panicked I may get. But hopefully I am wrong. It is very frustrating that I still do not know the time of the FGC and I also do not know the flight details yet. It just helps my anxiety knowing these details.

Thinking about the time I spent with my Nelson BFF. It is really very sad how her family are treating her. She lost her husband in the worst possible way and instantly became a widow and a solo Mum. You would think her family would be kind and supportive and offer to look after her 2 boys on occasion. And instead of judging her new partner for how he looks, they should be happy for her. As having tattoos and piercings does not change your character. He is the nicest partner she has ever had! And I know that, as we have been friends since 1992. And he is great with her kids. But her family is a very wealthy family and they kind of seem to be control freaks. So pretty much, they see her as the black sheep. Due to her not living according to their ideals. I feel they are being quite selfish and they seem more concerned with their families reputation and how her behaviour may reflect on them. Family is not meant to be like this! They are meant to accept you, faults and all and support you and want ultimately for you to be happy and treated well. I pointed out these things to her about her family and she was like, “wow. I can’t believe I didn’t see that myself”. Her brother accused her 4 year old of teaching their son to hit. And I know wholeheartedly that is not true. As I have known her sons all their lives and they are lovely and kind. And I have met this nephew of hers and I could tell by being around him twice, he is the naughty one.

I got some books out from the library. Some crafty ones, so I can make fun things with my 4 year old. And 1 about Personality. Apparently I am highly neurotic, according to this book.

The crossword, word find magazine is quite fun.

I now actually like having way more free time.

I got another wake up call regarding my weight again. I tell you, my tummy is so round and fat, I look like 7 months pregnant and the size of my tummy is bigger then my boobs! Plus everything was getting tighter and the weight had gone up much more. I really do not like seeing my body in such a disgusting state. So, despite liking chocolate and other sugar filled treats. For my health and body, I have had to say NO MORE! I self sabotage my diet way too often and I have got to stop making excuses and slacking. I mean I know how to fix the chocolate cravings in a healthy way and I know how to eat healthy. So I need to put it into practise. My weight had crept up to 73kgs! But with only 1 day of being totally healthy, it has dropped to 71.8kgs. So that is very encouraging. A lot of my unhealthy food choices usually come down to laziness, convenience and boredom. Simply, I am sick of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my eating habits and my body and it is so depressing as well.

My operation date for my tubal ligation has been changed from Wednesday 19th November to 10th December. Which is good, as the original date was only 2 days before the FGC review.

I have my next appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow, to work on the Emotional Regulation module some more.

Man, I had the strangest and most vivid dream on Sunday morning. It felt totally real. I had for some unknown reason gone for a walk halfway into Nelson, in my pjs, with 2 of my pillows and my sons Pooh Bear and someone pulled over by the Caltex and kept saying “Kelly, are you sleepwalking?” And I was thinking, how does this person know me? And then a few people said something to me and I replied to one if them, “no I’m not on drugs, I’m just half asleep still because of my sleep medication”, there were lots of people walking past and looking at me strangely. So I turned around and walked back home. And was part way home before I woke up. But damn! It felt so real!

I should probably go to bed now I think. But the kitty is on my knee, so partly don’t want to move.

It has been an interesting month

I haven’t really done much real blogging for a while really.  I have been having a huge problem with motivation.  As in, I haven’t really had a lot.  I have really been hanging out to post, but just could not find the motivation to do it.

It is fair to say I have definitely been experiencing some quite intense bouts of depression, which is never fun.  I feel initially this was provoked when my older sister spoke to me about considering the possibility of if my oldest daughter was not returned to me this year as I am hoping.  That did in all honestly provoke quite a downhill spiral with regards to my depression.  But alas, I clawed my way back into some sense of normality and improved somewhat.  And then the next provoker of my next downhill spiral came a few weeks back.  I heard back from the family lawyer in Wellington, who had received my CYFS(child, youth and family) files and had read through them and she said she felt, based on those files, she would not be recommending taking any legal action, as it is a case she could not win.  Hearing this really hurt and it was very hard to take on board.  It made me feel helpless, hopeless and quite sense of despair.  I felt so discouraged.  As I felt that CYFS had given me false hope and that I was essentially being set up for failure.  As when I reflect on the last FGC(family group conference) review, I recall how the CYFS social worker was quite adamant that she would not write down the goal I requested, which was to have my oldest daughter back in my care at the end of the school year.  She said she was not comfortable having that as the goal.

I requested the CYFS files be sent to me by the family lawyer and I read them yesterday afternoon.  All 297 pages.  Not a lot of what was written in there was anything new to me.  There were most definitely misquotes in there and some false statements.  The CMH(community mental health) team I was under in Porirua looked like the unintelligent idiots that they are. What was written by my CMH case manager that I had late last year, made it evident that as I suspected, I really was not being taken seriously and the severity of my depression was not being acknowledged.  From what I was able to read, of what was not blanked out under the OIA(official information act), it seemed they were quite adamant I was not suffering from depression, but a personality disorder.  And they would not say I had a particular personality disorder, just that I was diagnosed as having traits of a personality disorder.  That being ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ traits.  They even went as far as saying a GP would not sign a medical form saying I was unable to work or study due to my depression.  Even though that is not the case.  I am unsure on reflection of this new information and all that I have read, where in all honesty I do stand with regards to a realistic chance of getting my oldest daughter back.  So, essentially I am none the wiser after reading all the files.

I really appreciate the friends I have here in Nelson.  Though I do really miss the 2 friends I have in Wellington.  I have recently reconnected with both some friends I had when I left Nelson and some decent people I knew in college.  And also a best friend of mine who was living in Wellington, is now living down here, which is great.  I really value the friendships that I do have here.  They are invaluable and irreplaceable and I am privileged to have such wonderful people in my life and to call friends.

Recently I was have some major issues in my relationship with my fiance.  To the point I was seriously considering leaving him.  It got to the point on at least 3 occasions in the last few weeks that I resorted to leaving the house for hours each time. The situation was this, instead of him being upfront with me and honest about how he had been feeling, he instead spent an excessive amount of time on his computer, he started being really critical of me and he was not being supportive at all and was being quite a sad excuse of a parent if I am to be brutally honest.  I was trying to be honest with him one afternoon and he went and fell asleep while I was talking!  He seemed to do that a lot, just falling asleep during the day and being of no help to me with the children, despite the fact I was ill and so tired I could barely function.  I was feeling extremely frustrated at how selfish he was being.  So it is unlikely that anyone would be surprised that I was contemplating leaving.  To me, all the sleeping looked a lot like depression.  I was pretty much at the had enough stage, when he surprisingly sent me a text message apologizing for his behaviour and explaining what was going on with him.  And I was SO grateful he did that.  The reasons being, he was feeling stressed about our financial situation and the fact we will have to give the car back to the finance company, he was worried about our many bills and he was also worried about the possibility of my oldest daughter not being returned to our care this year and how that would affect her 2 younger siblings, as well as her.  I thanked him for being so honest and reminded him that he needs to be a present parent to our 2 kids together.  I went out to see my friends on the weekend and he said “great, I’m stuck babysitting again!”.  So I reminded him politely, that it is not babysitting when they are your children.  I think that got the point across.

Well my 1 year old is waking up now, so I need to finish here.  Hopefully it won’t be as long between posts next time.