Tag Archive: worry


The FGC(family group conference) is only 4 days away. And sadly my friend who was coming as my support person can no longer come, as his partner is in hospital. So someone I know in Wellington is going to come instead. So I hope that goes well.

I was planning to stay with my best friend in Wellington, but I have not heard back from her about that. So I have decided to just stay at a backpackers in the CBD. Which should be fine. As I can just walk to the CYFS(child, youth and family) office for the FGC. Plus I think I can benefit from some time away from everyone, just being and having no place to be and nothing to do. Clearly this time with no internet has effected me positively. I remember last year when I was in Wellington staying at the backpackers before I headed down to Nelson for a few days and I just felt anxious and on edge all the time. Remembering that shows me just how far I have come.

Yes, today I am in a good place. But the past week has not been so lovely. On Friday I was a mess and feeling really depressed, worried and panicked about the FGC review and the possible outcome. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I felt so broken. I have been having moments of shear panic when I have looked at the calendar and how close the FGC is. It is a daunting task, the fact I have to bring my argument as to why being with me is in my oldest daughters best interests and doing it without my original support person. I hope it goes ok. I really do not want to think about worse case scenario. As I feel that will only upset me, freak me out and cause me a huge amount of anxiety and panic.

I have rejoined the world of Facebook. I got bored while I was at the library on Friday afternoon, so I reactivated my account. I feel I have it under control and I do not feel I am obsessed with it anymore. But I do miss Pinterest.

I spent some time with my other best friend of about 22 years on Saturday. Which was both good for her and I. She is likely moving to the same suburb as me, which will be great.

I had the Nelson CYFS social worker visit this morning. She is really happy with how things are going with us.

The Emotional Regulation work is going well and I have been consistently keeping my DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) up to date.

I am feeling strong currently. Which is the polar opposite to how I was feeling on Friday.

On Friday afternoon I just had to leave the house. As I was such a mess and I was feeling easily annoyed and I just needed some time alone to let my emotions out.

Seems letting them out is not as bad as I thought. It almost seems to have benefited me.

I think sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I am supposed to use the DBT skills and I feel like I am not supposed to let such intense emotions out, but instead manage them. But maybe I have that wrong and I am allowed to let emotions out. Especially if letting them out is not going to lead to negative actions as a result.

I am hoping my headspace stays where it is currently. I do worry a little that the closer it gets to Friday, the more anxious, worried and panicked I may get. But hopefully I am wrong. It is very frustrating that I still do not know the time of the FGC and I also do not know the flight details yet. It just helps my anxiety knowing these details.

Thinking about the time I spent with my Nelson BFF. It is really very sad how her family are treating her. She lost her husband in the worst possible way and instantly became a widow and a solo Mum. You would think her family would be kind and supportive and offer to look after her 2 boys on occasion. And instead of judging her new partner for how he looks, they should be happy for her. As having tattoos and piercings does not change your character. He is the nicest partner she has ever had! And I know that, as we have been friends since 1992. And he is great with her kids. But her family is a very wealthy family and they kind of seem to be control freaks. So pretty much, they see her as the black sheep. Due to her not living according to their ideals. I feel they are being quite selfish and they seem more concerned with their families reputation and how her behaviour may reflect on them. Family is not meant to be like this! They are meant to accept you, faults and all and support you and want ultimately for you to be happy and treated well. I pointed out these things to her about her family and she was like, “wow. I can’t believe I didn’t see that myself”. Her brother accused her 4 year old of teaching their son to hit. And I know wholeheartedly that is not true. As I have known her sons all their lives and they are lovely and kind. And I have met this nephew of hers and I could tell by being around him twice, he is the naughty one.

I got some books out from the library. Some crafty ones, so I can make fun things with my 4 year old. And 1 about Personality. Apparently I am highly neurotic, according to this book.

The crossword, word find magazine is quite fun.

I now actually like having way more free time.

I got another wake up call regarding my weight again. I tell you, my tummy is so round and fat, I look like 7 months pregnant and the size of my tummy is bigger then my boobs! Plus everything was getting tighter and the weight had gone up much more. I really do not like seeing my body in such a disgusting state. So, despite liking chocolate and other sugar filled treats. For my health and body, I have had to say NO MORE! I self sabotage my diet way too often and I have got to stop making excuses and slacking. I mean I know how to fix the chocolate cravings in a healthy way and I know how to eat healthy. So I need to put it into practise. My weight had crept up to 73kgs! But with only 1 day of being totally healthy, it has dropped to 71.8kgs. So that is very encouraging. A lot of my unhealthy food choices usually come down to laziness, convenience and boredom. Simply, I am sick of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my eating habits and my body and it is so depressing as well.

My operation date for my tubal ligation has been changed from Wednesday 19th November to 10th December. Which is good, as the original date was only 2 days before the FGC review.

I have my next appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow, to work on the Emotional Regulation module some more.

Man, I had the strangest and most vivid dream on Sunday morning. It felt totally real. I had for some unknown reason gone for a walk halfway into Nelson, in my pjs, with 2 of my pillows and my sons Pooh Bear and someone pulled over by the Caltex and kept saying “Kelly, are you sleepwalking?” And I was thinking, how does this person know me? And then a few people said something to me and I replied to one if them, “no I’m not on drugs, I’m just half asleep still because of my sleep medication”, there were lots of people walking past and looking at me strangely. So I turned around and walked back home. And was part way home before I woke up. But damn! It felt so real!

I should probably go to bed now I think. But the kitty is on my knee, so partly don’t want to move.

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I am finding day by day, night after night. I am having increasing problems getting too sleep. As it is my only real quiet time, without distractions or duties.

My oldest girl just flew back to Wellington this afternoon. It was sad for me, but even more upsetting for my younger daughter. Who cried for the 20 minutes or so, after her sister boarded the plane. That is so hard for me seeing her like that.

I am worrying about so many things. The FGC(family group conference) review, the fact we can not pay our phone and internet bill and the fact we have to give the car up for voluntary repossession, so we can start the process for applying for a Summary Instalment Order. Worrying how we will get places without a car. Secretly blaming myself and my mental illness for all of this. Panicking and worrying about the FGC and how it will go and how I will cope and the outcome.

I have been having a bit of a cry and panic about it tonight. Which is not helping me with getting to sleep.

Exposed

I was trying to think of a suitable title for this post, where I am going to be really honest.  Which makes me a bit vulnerable and I guess in essence it is exposing myself/my feelings.

I feel like, I should feel excited that my oldest daughter is coming down next weekend for 8 days.  But instead I find myself sitting here feeling like crying, feeling vulnerable.  I suspect that is because in the back of my mind I know this is the last time I will see her before the big CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review.  The big one meaning, it is the crucial one that decides where she will live for the foreseeable future.  Which is potentially until she is old enough to be able to decide for herself.  And I am really nervous about this review.  I am SO worried about it not going in my favour.

I consider how I have been portrayed with regards to my CYFS files.  I am very aware that the picture painted of me by the Wellington CYFS social worker and the epic failure of a CMH(community mental health) team in Porirua.  And they have portrayed me in a very negative light and paint a very dim, negative view of me.

I am aware of the person they describe me to be, or to have been, is not who I am or was.  But how the hell do I prove that?! I mean, I can not even get legal representation!  As clearly, the family lawyer read these CYFS files and has now formed a certain opinion of me, based on what she has read.  No matter that, that is not who I am.

I guess I was being a tad naive thinking that what I read in those files would not affect me.  Though at the time when I read them I was prepared for what I was about to read.  But I guess I have had a delayed reaction to it.

I have definitely been feeling a lot more anxious lately and I have been having some issues with sleep and have needed to take more Quetiapine on a few occasions to successfully get to sleep.  And at night, not all nights, but definitely most nights, I have been thinking about my daughter and worrying and anticipating the possible outcome of the next FGC review.  I am also worrying about the fact that our financial situation has definitely taken a dive in the wrong direction since she visited last and I worry about how she will feel about that.  As I am very aware that the Wellington team aka her Father’s side of the family and her carers, spend a lot of money on her and she gets very spoiled.  And also her Father’s side of the family are making every effort to undermine me with the use of their wealth and all the extra opportunities that brings.

Yes I know I am her Mother and she loves me to bits.  But I am also aware of the sway money can have on such a young girl, who is very trusting and quite easily manipulated.  As she would never even think that her Father’s side of the family are doing these things intentionally.  She is naive at her age and very trusting.  It is lovely she is trusting, but it worries me.  As she would not know what manipulation looks like and I think it is cruel that any person who calls themselves family and truly loves a child would even stoop to this level.  But I am very aware that they are quite capable of it.

It is not helped of course that her grandfather on her Father’s side has no respect for my parenting abilities and capabilities. As a CYFS carer in the past, foster parent and a Father to 2 children via adoption who are CYFS children from parents with significant mental illness and a further 2 adopted children.  He is very aware of how the CYFS system works and how to manipulate the system to get his way.  And also, he has this close minded idea about parents with mental illness due to this.

I am not in any way suggesting that all carers, foster parents and parents by adoption are like this.  As most often these parents are genuinely lovely, caring, compassionate people.

Argh!  The FGC review is still another 6 weeks away at least and I am already starting this cycle which I have lived through twice already.  The first time was with the first ever FGC and then the second was the first FGC review regarding my oldest daughter.  It is nothing new that when it comes to her I am extremely vulnerable and emotional.  She was my everything for 6 years.  And when I say my everything, I mean above anyone else, including myself, my family and my fiance.  And I was parenting her alone for the first 3 1/2 years of her life.  She is my reason for holding on.

So you would naturally question why anyone would think me an unfit parent and want to keep her from me and vice versa. The answer is, because they have it wrong.  They(CYFS) got their information from an extremely unreliable source(Porirua CMH)

The cycle I was referring to goes like this.  I start worrying, stressing, get anxious, start feeling on edge, I start feeling depressed, helpless, fearful and my sleep gets affected negatively.  I am not sure how to avoid this cycle.  As when it comes to her, I easily come undone.  I love her to bits.  She is special to me.  She was my first child and only child for a long time. And while my younger 2 children are equally important, they have always had their Father in their life, unlike her.

Though I know I am a loving and nurturing parent and I have most definitely improved as a parent due to having CYFS in my life.  All these negative opinions about me as a parent, despite them being untrue, have worn me down.  It is true, that if you hear a lie long enough, you start to almost believe it, despite in your heart knowing it is not true.  And that is what happens with me every so often.  As due to CYFS input in my life, I have definitely had my confidence knocked and I second guess myself and my ability to cope.  As all this negativity wears you down, despite how strong you are.  And I know I am strong and have been strong and I am aware I am a fighter and I have come SO far.  But oh how this is draining me in so many ways.  I feel broken on some level.  I feel the cracks starting to open.

Honestly, despite how very honest I am, I do still keep a lot in.  So this here is me laying it all out there.  This is me exposed.

Distraction

So far, the one technique I can find for at least some of the day, to keep myself from being overwhelmed by my over-active brain and it’s ability to get me into panic mode, is distraction.

In the last few days I’ve been doing jigsaws online or on my tablet. As it keeps me distracted while I’m focusing on it and it’s free and not messy, like an actual jigsaw.

So pretty much, I try and keep myself distracted by something, to keep my boredom and thoughts in check. As, if I’m reading, watching tv, a movie, doing a puzzle or doing housework, then I can just focus on that. Though at night, I hate the time before I fall asleep, as that’s when I have no distractions and my thoughts can start driving my nuts. I love sleep, as that is the one place I can go to get a total break from my illness and thoughts.

When I’m not distracted enough, I go between, feeling ok, to wanting to run, to feeling like a failure, feelings of guilt, panic and anxiety.

I feel like shit about the fact my fiancé had to resign so he could take over the role of looking after our baby. I stress about how things will be financially due to this. I worry about whether we will be able to afford food, petrol and be able to keep bills paid. I feel like my fiancé and baby deserve better then me and like they’d be better off if I left. I feel like I’ve screwed up my finance’s life. And feel like, things would be better for everyone if I left and just had my 2 girls with me. I just feel like, it’s such a big ask, being in a relationship with me, when I am really unwell mentally and that my family deserve better.

I get distressed when my fiancé is feeling frustrated by our baby.

I tried to interact with my baby on the weekend. I managed about 1/2 an hour maybe before he got whingy and I felt distressed. So I had to walk away and let my fiancé take care of him.

I look forward to any chance to leave the house, even if that means taking my toddler out with me. But that is only when I don’t have my baby with me. I can kind of handle going out, if it’s all of us. As I know my fiancé is there to take care of our baby. But I get very anxious and panicked if the baby starts to whinge or gets unsettled.

I’m trying to be soft on myself and just accept these feelings aren’t what I am expected to feel as a Mum to a young baby and this is my reality and this is how I am feeling at present. It’s so hard not to judge myself and beat myself up about these feelings.

It’s so hard the range of emotions I feel in each day. As my emotions are so all over the place and it sucks!

It’s good at least knowing, every fortnight I can go to the casual PND group and talk and vent.

People often thank me for my honesty and being so open about my not so pleasant experiences and feelings. And compliment me on reaching out and asking for help. Which is a positive. But it’s so hard going through what I have gone through and go through much of the time. But I figure, why pretend all is ok, when it really is not?… As, if I am authentic and real about all this, then others who experience similar will feel some relief, knowing they are not alone with regards to such thoughts and so on. And maybe that might give them the strength to reach out as well. And even if they can’t manage that, they can at least know they are not abnormal and they are not alone.

Just one last thing before I finish this post. I am finding the song ‘The Monster’ by Eminem ft Rihanna, quite good and I kind of relate to some of the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDXXi19_7iE

Thanks for reading. That’s all for today.