Tag Archive: sleep issues


I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

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Finally I have found some motivation to blog and put aside some time.

I am feeling a bit low today and a bit stressed. My WOF(warranty of fitness) has expired, went for a WOF and failed.  Car needs 2 tyres and I have no money.  Our other car has a WOF, but no registration or petrol. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to afford to get tyres. So I will be driving illegally until I can put registration and petrol in the other car.  And I have less than half a tank of petrol in my car.

I have a lot of wedding stuff on Trade Me, but not having any success selling even though I am not asking much for what I’m trying to sell.

I have been married for just over a month.  The wedding did go well and I managed to stay calm throughout the day.  And the cake was awesome.  I will add a photo of it.

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And here’s a photo of the Wedding Day.

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Again there is a CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review coming up. So I have that stress coming up.  They are again looking at possibility of sending my oldest daughter to Wellington.  So naturally that is making me feel quite worried and down.  But it is more about how my husband and her get on.  I really hope they allow us to at least go counselling with them both to help work through their issues together.  As if they allow that and then review again next year and it is still not working with them relating, then I can at least say we have try our very best and accept her living elsewhere.  But if they do not allow us to try that option and push to have her live elsewhere, I will find it really hard to accept.

It is really depressing still having this CYFS stuff dragging out.  It feels like we get so far and thing’s seem to be improving and then, bamn!  Here we go again.  It is so draining emotionallyand mentally and disheartening.

I am still also dealing with the loss of my close friend to suicide in March and  the grief that comes with that.  I often feel like it isn’t reality and think he is still alive, even though I know he is not.  I miss him so much and it really still hurts really badly.  A WAVES group, which is for people bereaved by the suicide of friend or family member, starts next week, which I will be going to. It is run by Primary Health Services I think it is called.  It runs for 6 weeks I think.  I found out about it through the SPINZ(suicide prevention nz) website.  So hopefully the group helps me process thing’s better.

I have been having a fair bit of anxiety at night and having some trouble falling asleep quite a lot.

I have been trying to encourage my oldest daughter to really consider choosing to stay living with us.   As she will be asked by the CYFS social worker where she would prefer.  I do feel being with her Mum and siblings is best for her long term and I strongly advocate for counselling between her and my husband.  I so hope we will get this result.  As I will be really distraught if I lose her.  I do know I have done my best as her Mum and that my parenting is good enough.  I want these battles to be over and my daughter with me long term.

This all has me feeling quite on edge emotionally and feeling fragile and worried.

My best friend is working nights, so I hardly ever see her which is hard.  As I really miss seeing her.

I am feeling pretty crap about my body.  I have not been eating healthy and I’ve been gaining weight.  I wish I could stop sabotaging my weight loss and I wish I would stop emotional eating.

I’m feeling quite anxious at the moment.

I’m sure these was more I wanted to blog about,  but can’t recall what.

Thankx for reading and following.

Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that.  Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount.  But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot.  I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him.  There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet.  I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much.  And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose.  I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there.  I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks.  At least I am happy with my hair at present.  Though I prefer it when it’s straightened.  At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook.  That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil.  He’s my friend that committed suicide.  Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well.  And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health.  So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it.  Which is very important to me.  Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her.  As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome.  So I got her one of these necklace’s: http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368.  I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it.  I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it.  Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance.  I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay.  He always replies with don’t be silly.  I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately.  He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time.  Sometimes I feel so angered by it!  Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt.  But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids.  It’s not cool though.  It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported.  I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot.  But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep.  Thanks for reading.  Night.

It’s nearly 3:15am and I am nowhere near falling asleep, despite taking more Quetiapine then I can actually remember. I know I took 6 and then maybe another 8, as well as taking maybe 4 of my Venlafaxine.

I have just been balling my eyes out for maybe 10 or more minutes and I feel anxious about so many things. One of those things is sleep. I can’t stop having lucid dreams and by that I mean dreams I don’t realise are not reality until I wake up. And this is every fucking night since my friend died. It fucking torture of the cruellest kind and I hate it!

Part of the reason I am balling my eyes out is because I am shit scared of letting on to anyone that I am not coping and I am not ok right now. Part of it is me grieving and part of it is dreading sleep and also the feeling every night of not wanting to go to sleep and every day being a struggle. And feelings of hopelessness and no real lasting joy in my life and having absolutely no desire to get up each morning.

My fiance tells me numerous times each morning to get up and out of bed and all I want is to be left alone and to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone and stop telling me what I should be doing, like I’m a child.

I need help. But I fully fear asking for it and admitting I need it. And this is solely due to CYFS (child, youth and family) and their reactions and actions in the past and I am so paranoid about what admitting I need help might mean and potential consequences. As I have fought so hard to get my daughter back and keep her with me.

I admittedly have been really irresponsible with money. And I know that is solely related to my mental health.

Yup.  I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo.  Well actually I got 2.  I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide.  The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March.  We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it.  So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

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Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time.  To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow.  It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson.  I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller.  But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now.  I better try eating something soon.  I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat.  Anyway, ciao for now.

So, on Friday just passed I had the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review for my oldest daughter. It was stressful, intimidating, distressing and emotional.

The days leading up to it most definitely had a lot of negative effect on my sleep. With me often not getting to sleep til 1am – 1:30am.

Thankfully my BFF in Wellington was available in the end and I was able to stay with her and spend some time with her and she was also able to come as my support person.

The FGC was not a fun process. There was a lot of stress throughout it. And it is really quite horrible how certain participants in the review put across that they support you and then they turn around and get nasty. I would even call some of the behaviour, especially from my daughters carers, bullying tactics. The whole process brought a lot of things to light and not pleasant things. One of the most hurtful twists was when my own Mother went from being one of my biggest supporters and completely on the same page as me, to turning around and pretty much going with the view of all my opposers. Which was that, my daughter would be bette off staying in Wellington. That hurt more then anything else ever! After she had turned around and agreed with them, I could no longer keep strong and hold my composure and I had to walk out of the meeting for a time. I was SO upset by that. I felt like, yet again, the people who were supposed to be my biggest supporters had turned on me and that hurts like a bitch! My younger sister however continued to support me and battle for me, which I am SO grateful for. I was a bit shocked that my older sister appeared to still be holding on to the past and she even brought up my blog and how she had read some of it and been quite hurt by my posts. Which, granted, she is entitled to feel that way. But I did not feel it needed to be brought up in the meeting. Pretty much everything the CYFS social worker put across that my sister had said, was negative. Saying I still appear to have communication problems and our relationship as sisters was still strained. Which was quite a shock to me. As in my mind we had made amends when I went and apologized to her for the unkind things I had written in my blog about her. And as for me not going to see her much, I was respecting the fact that she is going through her own stuff at the moment. My daughters grandparents on her father’s side were still making out that I was some kind pariah. His wife going as far as bursting into tears when describing how she felt my daughter was neglected by me. Clearly her husband had done a damn fine job of putting me across as some kind of fuck up of a parent. He threatened that if my daughter went backwards in all the areas she has made gains in, he would not hesitate to take legal action to gain custody of her, like he did with her aunties daughter. Like what the hell?! How can he even put me in the same category as her! She had an abusive boyfriend and they bolted from the hospital down south with their newborn. I was so glad to have my BFF there to support me. As she knows me and my family well and everything I have been through. Throughout the whole review, it very much looked like it was never going to go in my favour. So it was quite a shock when it did. I guess it shows just how strong I am, even though I did not realise I was that strong. As this whole process had damn near broken me. It seems very much that everybody opposing me seemed very focussed on the negative and the failures and this was blinding them to all the gains, growth and positives. I pretty much took any opportunity to squash their concerns and reassure them I have changed and I am a better parent for it and that I deserve the chance to show this. I felt quite disgusted about how my daughters carers turned on me at the end, just as they were about to leave. The husband gave me a nasty look and pointed directly at me and said “get this right!” and his wife said “bloody hell, the CYFS file is already this thick(motioning with her fingers the thickness), don’t go making it any thicker”. I am happy with the result. And when I told my fiance and he told our younger daughter and she was so excited, that made me even happier. As my children being together is the most important thing and their happiness makes me happy.

I did not expect my mood to dip down a bit after Friday, but I guess it is understandable. As all that was so emotionally taxing. By Friday evening I got home and wanted to just fall asleep on the lounge floor.

You just do not realise at the time, how hard it is to sit through a meeting from 10:30am – 3pm trying to keep it together and feeling like you are singlehandedly arguing your case and quite heavily responsible for the outcome. I am so glad that day is behind me.

I am aware this by no means does not mean CYFS are out of my life. I am quite sure they will be keeping a close eye on me.

My Nelson CYFS social worker and Family Start worker did a great job though of supporting me and putting across their faith in me and my capabilities. I think that helped a great deal too.

It was quite hard reading what my older daughter wrote about what she wanted and how she in fact wanted to stay living with her carers. Being told that by her on the Thursday night and reading that at the start of the meeting made me feel quite disheartened and was some of the reason I feared the outcome would not go in my favour.

I am SO glad that day is behind me and that I can finally feel hopeful and get excited that my daughter is coming home.

I have managed to be able to drop my Quetiapine back down to 50mgs, so I am happy about that.

That is all for now. It has been quite hard being able to get a decent blog post written without the internet at home. So thankfully the Nelson Library has free 60 minutes internet access for all members.

Gosh, this having no internet business is hard! That being why I have not done much in the way of blog posts.

I do miss having the internet. Having data on mobile is rather limiting.

At times I do miss not being on Facebook. But it is also fine not being on there. I just have way too much spare time.

This week had some stressful days. On Monday I was called by the Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family) social worker and told the FGC(family group conference) review was going to be on Friday, as in the 7th November. Which I thought, ok, that could work, as I had received a letter from the hospital saying my tubal ligation is happening on the morning of Wednesday 19th November, which was 2 days before the FGC review had been booked on. By Wednesday I was starting to stress, as I had not been given any flight details. And on Tuesday night I was having major issues getting to sleep, due to not knowing the details regarding the FGC review and I did not manage to get to sleep until like 1:30am. So I chased things up with the Wellington CYFS social worker and eventually got a call back from her and the FGC coordinator and was told it has been changed back to the 21st November. And they had a long talk to me and said I need to spend the next few weeks until the FGC review really thinking about my argument for getting my oldest daughter back and why it is best for her to be returned to my care and what changes I have made. And I will be honest, that is a lot of pressure for me. Especially being I will have none of my family or even my fiancé physically present at the FGC review.

My fiancé has been sorting the budget out this week. Which, honestly creates some stress and anxiety for me. As it makes the reality of how much we are struggling, really set in and that is damn scary! It is not overly helpful that I also have PMS at present.

Good old PMS makes me rather easily irritated and rather sensitive and emotional.

Things have been causing me a sense of slight panic and anxiety. I have felt like, at times I just want to get away from my daily routine and be alone. And I think my fiancé is feeling a bit stressed, as he has been moody this week. And that tends to effect me a lot.

I had been feeling a bit miffed about the fact no one had been visiting. But thankfully my friend and his partner dropped in and spent the night here on Friday.

I hope the operation goes well for the tubal ligation. I have never had an operation before. So I have no idea what I am in for. I hope I am feeling ok after. As I have the FGC review 2 days after the operation.

Thinking about the FGC review. If I encounter resistance and/or difficultly from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family, I am quite prepared to bring their past into it. But I hope I do not need to.

I lightened my hair tonight. As a few weeks back I put a permanent colour in and it ended up being much darker then I wanted. As I had a really cool bright purple in before that. Live XXL Ultra Brights Purple. And I found a purple in a permanent colour and thought that would last longer. But sadly it was nothing like the Live colour. I ordered a really cool purple on http://www.fishpond.co.nz before I had put the permanent in, but that has not arrived yet. As it is coming from the UK. So since that will be here this coming week, I figured I should pre lighten in preparation.

I do not recall if I mentioned I got my lip pierced or not. I think it was about 2 months ago. It is on the bottom right. It looks very cool.

I was looking on my fishpond account and the hair colour is back up to the higher price, so I bought it at a good time, as I got it for $14.97 with free shipping and it is now $47.97. I think the brand is Jerome Russell maybe. Quite excited about it arriving.

I had a credit on http://www.mightyape.co.nz of $15 from this website I do surveys on. And I got a Tattoo Art set. It is just a set with 4 felt colours and a book and stencils. I will try add a photo of the 1 I drew on my arm.

My friends who recently became a couple mentioned the other night they are looking at becoming a piercer and tattooist and opening a business. Which sounds pretty cool.

One thing that I am looking forward to about going to Wellington is seeing my BFF in Wellington. I have not seen her since before I moved. I miss her so much. I have been trying to talk her into moving to Nelson. Well, why not?! She is my BFF and Nelson is gorgeous!

Recently I brought a stationery set for letter writing. They are damn hard to find! As most people just email or text these days. I wrote my grandma a nice long letter with it. At some point I will write to my Mum too.

I have had 2 sessions now with the Psychologist. In which we covered some more of the Emotional Regulation module. I also have to keep a daily DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) diary. She gave me a good handout on worry the 1st session.

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I can not remember if I added a photo of my tattoo idea in a previous post or not. But in case I did not, I will add it in here.

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So, due to our debts unfortunately the internet has been cut off. Meaning I have way more spare time and for me that is not always a good thing. Especially if my mood is low. Which it has been a lot lately. It has been quite low for maybe 2 weeks. And this week it has been very very low. I have self harmed once and desired to more since then. I have felt a huge sense of despair and hopelessness. I have even felt suicidal at times. I keep feeling guilty and blaming myself for our struggles and money problems. I keep worrying about the FGC(family group conference) outcome next month. I have been feeling really down and sad about my oldest daughter still not living with. My motivation has been lacking hugely, as has my desire to socialise or leave the house. I have been not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. I have to be honest, been feeling like a huge burden. I do not like such feelings. They are quite concerning.

Part of this week I have just been so desperate to just get through the few days until the weekend. And that is pretty bad for me. I have felt like I can not handle anything and I want to go away. And I have been quite moody and emotional.

Being the analytical type, I am always trying to work out what triggered this downhill spiral. And though I may not necessarily have all the answers to that. I think some of the contributing factors are, boredom, meaning less distractions and more time to think, think, think. Drinking on a couple of occasions to try and alleviate my suffering and distract from parts of life I am unhappy with. Some of it is the real raw emotions coming out regarding my oldest daughter, the injustice of the CYFS(child, youth and family) and their input in my life. As I feel I just try and keep living and do not allow those feelings to surface much. Also, my father died on Guy Fawkes in 1981. So the week leading up to that is always hard. I do really miss him. And my granddad(his dad). My older sister gave me a toy truck that was my granddads and when I saw it I nearly bawled my eyes out.

Regrading my oldest daughter, I have increasingly been feeling like her carers have been trying to cut me out of her life. Which is very sad, as I asked them for more contact with her and regarding her. I called her on her birthday and it seems nearly all the presents I had given her on her early birthday when she was here, have disappeared. Her carers give my mother more contact with her and encourage that. But with me, it almost seems like they are trying to erase me. Which both angers me and hurts me. As I used to feel like they were on my side and now I feel like they are quite the opposite. Like, fuck, do all the Wellington lot forget I am her mother and I have been her full time parent since she was born?!

Man, how I so desperately want CYFS out of my life! I honestly feel that if they had become involved. Things would be so much better right now, in so many respects. And I honestly feel I would have recovered from last years severe depression and mental health struggles ages ago if they were not in my life.

I have been having sleep issues again and have been needing to take 100 mgs of Quetiapine, instead of 25-50 mgs a night and the other day I was having such a hard time failing asleep that I didn’t fall asleep til maybe 1:30am and felt very zombiefied for half that day.

Anyway I need to pick my younger daughter up from Kindy now. Thanks for reading

I have been noticing lately that my anxiety is increasing. It becomes evident in some simple day to day tasks. The task that has been highlighting it, has been hanging out the washing. You see our washing line is on the veranda and it is one of those pull out/retractable lines and one end of it is near the edge of the veranda. Which initially when we moved here would get my anxiety up when I would be hanging clothes up by the barrier. But that had stopped happening some time ago. So noticing in the last few days that it is provoking my anxiety has made me very aware my anxiety is unusually higher.

And I have noticed my mind playing tricks on me lately too. Such as interpreting words in my mind quite differently from the words on the calendar.

I think the approaching FGC(family group conference) review has a big part to play in these things. As I feel, though I am trying to avoid thinking about the approaching date. In the back of my mind I am very awaiting that date is slowly creeping closer. And that unnerves me and creates small moments of panic. It has most definitely had a negative effect on my sleep. As in the last few weeks. I have had to take as many as 9 x 25 mgs Quetiapine to get to sleep. And I had managed to get back down to 1-2 x 25 mgs Quetiapine previous to that. Which was great. So my minds ability to require more assistance and more medication, is not great. As the norm now seems to be 4-6 x 25 mgs Quetiapine and averaging most often 5 x 25 mgs Quetiapine. Earlier this week either 4 or 5 was just not working. So I ended up going into the lounge and eventually fell asleep on the couch. I most definitely have moments of secretly freaking out about not falling asleep at all and how detrimental to my mental health that would be.

There is still at least 2 weeks until the review and I am a tad worried about these increasing issues with anxiety and sleep.

Today I was feeling quite anxious and blunted. These things make me worry. As does the unknown. The unknown being the outcome of the FGC review. That makes me quite nervous.

The financial worries are not helping either. They make me feel quite overwhelmed and at times panicked.

My distress tolerance is not great either.

I am actually very grateful my fiancé is not working this week. As I am not sure how I would be coping without him.

I had best try get some sleep now though. As it is quite late.

Good Night.

October. It is a month that has a few significant things going on.

Presently my oldest daughter is here for 10 days of the school holidays and she goes back to Wellington on the 7th. And as she will be in Wellington for her 11th birthday, we are celebrating it tomorrow, since she is here. So she turns 11 on the 20th and sadly she will not be here for that, which is hard and then on the 31st I have the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review and it is the big one. As it is the one that decides where she will be living long term. And naturally that fact has been playing on my mind a lot.

It does keep me awake at night, so I am having to take more Quetiapine.

What is concerning me and playing on my mind the most is, that I will not have anyone physically there with me who supports me and that is worrying me a lot.

As who will be there if it doesn’t go my way, to support me, comfort me and calm me down.

I was thinking tonight about how close the 7th and how my daughters time down here is going so fast. And I felt quite saddened by that. As I was aware that it will be the last time I see her before the FGC review. So it will be extra hard saying goodbye to her at the airport. But, her time here and gone really well, almost effortlessly. Though honestly, her and my 1 year old are the easier of my 3 kids. But it is reassuring looking at how well it has all been going. And she has even made a new friend her age. As my 4 year old has a best friend who has an older brother and he is my older daughters new friend. And if she does come down to live soon, he will be at the same intermediate.

Ok, I am really sleepy, as my 3 Quetiapine have kicked in. So I will need to finish this post tomorrow.

Right, had a good sleep. Back to finish my post.

Today went well. We had my daughters early birthday party and we had a few people over. The cake turned out really well. She liked her presents.

I had a friend in need of my support yesterday afternoon. He was having quite a severe panic attack, so needed a good friend with him. When I went and saw him, I saw how he was in quite a panicked state and remembered having that same feeling of panic and being that overwhelmed myself last year.

The friends I have either reconnected with or made here in Nelson are really great. Though I miss my 2 good friends in Wellington.

I have a really good social worker at Mental Health here, which is great. And the Nelson CYFS social worker I have been assigned is really lovely and her, as well as my Family Start worker both are happy with my parenting and have no concerns, which is great news.

I have requested my files from both Porirua and Lower Hutt Community Mental Health. So hopefully I receive then before the FGC review.

My medical certificate for WINZ(work and income) says I have Emotional Dysfunction and BPD(borderline personality disorder) So it will be interesting to see what all my files say.

I love how normal and pleasant it feels to have all my kids here. Even my dreams seem to normalise. So it is hard when my older daughter goes back to Wellington.

I recently got my lip pierced on the right of my mouth. I find the long barbel or whatever it’s called, rather annoying. But it apparently has to be longer to allow for swelling, which I haven’t had a lot of. I’m hoping to put a small ring in once I’m allowed to change it. I figure it will be more snug and avoid issues with eating and such. I also changed my hair colour. It is a Live XXL Ultra Brights Purple. It actually looks really good.

Being the Ed Hardy addict I am. When I saw an awesome pink Ed Hardy singlet in a preloved clothing store, I had to go in. And it was my size and only $10. So naturally I brought it.

I watch ‘Malificent’ last night. Loved it!

It’s my favourite day of the week for my favourite TV programme ‘The Block NZ’. As on Friday they do the room reveal.

I’m sure there was actually plenty I had to blog amount, but have since forgotten.

I have sorted things out with my older sister and apologised for some hurtful things I had written. I think it was a long overdue and needed conversation. As we have not always got on wonderfully. But it gave us the opportunity to have a really good chat. So I am hoping things will be better between us from now on. I feel some of my issue was mostly around the CYFS business. Also we haven’t been very close for a lot of our adult lives and hadn’t had many opportunities to grow our relationship.

I will try post a photo of the cake I made if I can from my mobile.

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