Category: Bullying


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

It is now the evening of Sunday 29th June. Tomorrow is the big day. Moving day. And my goodness has this week flown.

I really enjoyed having more time with my oldest daughter, the one whom I have to leave behind, due to the CYFS(child, youth & family) bullshit.

I am trying to be strong and not think about how huge this is. As I do not know if I will be able to handle all those overwhelming emotions. And I do not want to start freaking out again and getting into a panic.

Deep down inside I know how much pain and grief I feel about leaving her.

I hate that circumstances lead to this.

I still feel guilt over this and blame myself and feel responsible for it.

My 4 year old had a really hard time saying goodbye to her tonight. That was so hard to watch.

You know what? I was thinking about the name Child, Youth and Family and I question why they even have the word Family in there. As it is more accurate to say, they in essence do take the family out of the equation, more often then not.

You know the main thing I look forward to about moving, is the fact I will be far, far away from the people who were bullying me.

I do not look forward to leaving my best friends behind, or this nice house.

In an ideal world I would be leaving everything bad behind. That being, the bits of my past that lead to me becoming so unwell with my mental health. CYFS and unsupportive family on my oldest daughters Dad’s side.

And in an ideal world I would be taking ALL of my children with me.

I am, honestly, so angry and hurt by how things turned out.

My mood has been pretty crappy this week. I have been feeling really on edge, hyper vigilant, anxious, extremely irritable and overly sensitive.

I kind of don’t want to go to sleep. As then tomorrow will be here. And yes, I am kind of dreading that reality.

But I guess it is a pretty natural response considering. I mean I have been living in Wellington for 10 1/2 years. And this a very big move and a huge change. And I am sure, in time I will feel at home again in Nelson.

On another subject. I am kind of pissed off that my fiancé did his usual discrete sneak off to the computer room. And where do I find him and his computer desk? While mine, may I add is all packed away. He has bloody centred his computer and desk in the middle of the room and is playing his friggen game all nice and comfy! I ask him why he isn’t dismantling the bed, like he was supposed to be doing, his response, “I’m just having my hot drink” and I was like “um, bullshit! You are playing your bloody game! Not just having your hot drink!”

It is just not a good time at present to be pissing me off.

As I am quite stressed. And I have been feeling like he has been either on my case about anything and everything. Or just criticising me. And that does not sit well with me.

I can not remember if I have posted about the latest CYFS FGC(family group conference) review and the outcome. But if I have not. I will do so in the next week.

There are only 2 days until we move! Argh! It’s going so fast!

Ever so slightly freaking out about how soon that is!

I am most definitely feeling more anxious and stressed.

On the being bullied recently. It did ease off and the ex friend’s sister, who had also been part of the bullying, actually apologized for her part in it. So the ex friend seemed to go quiet after that. And eventually was being more pleasant. Until today.

Simply because I promoted the bands being sold to support the family of the young man who committed suicide somewhat recently and encouraged others in my community to support them by buying these bands if they could spare the money. I get this nasty text from the ex friend, saying pretty much, “who do you think you are promoting those bands. You don’t even know him or his family.” And then her sister starts calling my mobile constantly, to the point I turned off my phone much of today.

This behavior is simply ridiculous. And all because I tried to do something kind. As I know how suicide really rocks the family and friends of any person who chooses to take their life by means of suicide.

I can not understand why this person thought it appropriate to start harassing me over a kind and thoughtful gesture.

So, there is a part of me actually feeling somewhat relieved I am moving soon.

On to another subject. My sleep issues have somewhat improved. As my psychiatrist prescribed me 100mgs Quetiapine. Which has helped. Though Wednesday was a really stressful day and I ended up having major issues getting to sleep and ended up having to take 300mgs to get to sleep. Though that meant I was really tired yesterday as a side effect. Though the 100mgs worked fine last night.

Well it’s getting late, so I should get some sleep. But I will post more tomorrow maybe.

Fun times is a sarcastic term I use, when there’s often some stupid crap thrown in there, some stress and less then desirable things happening.

So, this cyber bully/ex-friend continued her spreading of malicious lies some more today. Quite frankly I think everyone, including myself observing this, are just simply over this immaturity and attention seeking behaviour. So I have just stuck to pointing out the actual truth and having a laugh at the ridiculousness of her lies.

As I had hoped would not happen, the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) has been booked for the week leading up to our move to Nelson. Which I stressed 9 weeks ago to the social worker to try and avoid. She only organized it today! And I also emphasized the need for it to be prior to next week, being next week is the week leading up to the big move, therefore a week of more stress. So what does she do, she books it in for 5 days before the move! Less then impressed, yet not that surprised. As it is clear to me, my timing does not even factor. It is about what suits them. And sadly, some less then wonderful CYFS social workers are known for intentionally timing these reviews at times of great stress. I believe it is a ploy to get you at your most vulnerable in hopes things will easily swing in their favour and in hopes some cracks will form in your ability to cope. Well, she will enjoy the timing of it….it is right when I am at my peak with PMS! LOL! Best not to mess with me when I have PMS. But, it is in my favour, as I tend to actually be more honest, can’t be pushed around and speak my mind, but in a polite and respectful way. I am just much more assertive and confident while PMSing strangely.

Annoyingly I am having sleep issues again. So my 1 tablet(25mgs) of Quetiapine is no longer working, neither is 2(50mgs), so I have had to start taking 3(75mgs) and that is not my prescribed amount. So I will be seeing my Psychiatrist in 2 days to discuss this. As some nights it was that my mind wouldn’t shut up, but last night that wasn’t the case and still I could not get to sleep with taking 2 tablets, so I had to take a 3rd to get to sleep. Frustrating!

I am noticing myself feeling quite anxious today. I think this being attacked online by that ex-friend is making me feel quite highly strung.

I do quite like Wainuiomata these days. So I was quite disappointed this 1 stirrer(the ex-friend) had to make the end of my time here less then positive. But clearly she has her own demons to wrestle. But it has become apparent, after many conversations with people living around here, that the whole family are actually known for this behaviour. Even the local police are sick of them. They use social media and mobile to harass and threaten, yet face to face do not say a thing.

I am proud to say, no matter what lies and abuse is thrown at me, I NEVER stoop to that level and retaliate. As that is immature and just fueling the fire and playing a stupid little game. And I will never be that type of person.

LOL! My silly cat keeps nudging my keyboard!

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Right, I best get on to my pre-moving checklist, so I don’t lay awake tonight thinking about it.

So I have been experiencing some of that lately. At first I thought, maybe I was being paranoid about some posts that seemed aimed at me, but without the person naming me. But then once I came to release this now ex-friend was actually judging me and insulting me and was clearly no longer a friend, I decided to delete and block her.

And then, I can only assume, after she realized she was blocked and deleted, that nasty text messages started. And I did not bite back or lower myself to her level. But simply replied politely and explained I deleted her as it was clear to me she was no longer interested in being my friend.

So in comes rolling, nasty, judgmental, slandering and even threatening texts. And that was upsetting and intimidating enough.

But then, a friend of mine informs me that this female has been saying even more extreme stuff, in the form of lies and vicious rumours on a Facebook group I am not in. This female even named me and what street I live in!

So after reading what had been written about me, it became evident that I was not being paranoid at all and the posts I thought were directed at me all were.

She even mentioned my dealings with CYFS(child, youth & family) in this group and that my oldest daughter is not in my care!

This is not a very nice feeling! I just want to get out of this suburb asap or be invisible for the next 2 weeks.

Clearly this stuff is getting to me, as, in my dream a few nights ago I dreamt I somehow managed to move my moving date forward by 2 weeks.

Because of this nastiness and the threat in her text, I no longer want to go anywhere in this suburb and I do not want to take my kids to childcare, as her son’s go there and I want to avoid her and her family. As I hate conflict, intimidation and confrontations. And I worry some person might assault me or something.

I have never been so viciously lied about and gossiped about and judged by a person and their family. It hurts.

My fiance said he could tell from the moment he met her, that she was like this. The type of person to become your friend, find out private things about you and then turn around and use it against you.

Man, I wish I wasn’t so trusting and always giving people a chance.

Man, I am experiencing so many different emotions lately, especially today.

Such as, grief, trauma, despair, anger, irritability, paranoia, stress, depression and anxiety.

I kind of feel like I want to numb my emotions right now. I was lying in bed before thinking, I wonder how many of my antidepressants it would take to get my mood into a good place. Maybe 4 or 5. Yeah, not healthy thinking. I just hate feeling so low and distraught.

I don’t know if my paranoia and sensitivity is coming from stress, grief or recent events.

I do know my stress is coming from recent events. Where I feel a few people are taking their stress out on me. And plus there is financial stress in there too.

I feel quite on edge and anxious. And I find myself getting easily irritated and angry. Again, I am unsure specifically where this comes from. Maybe stress and recent events of being judged and feeling picked on and bullied.

The grief and trauma is coming from the upcoming move and having to leave my oldest daughter behind until CYFS(child, youth & family) hopefully let her return to my care at the end of the school year. There is a HUGE amount of grief and trauma surrounding that. And especially surrounding her and how she was not allowed to return to my care after I came out of hospital last August. It effects me hugely this reality. And the trauma also comes from how my life got turned upside down after the onset of my extremely severe depression last August and CYFS becoming involved and how I nearly had my younger 2 taken off me and was not allowed to have my oldest living at home. CYFS well and truly came along and tore my family apart and for what?! Because I had an extremely low point last August. How does that make me an unfit mother? Mental Illness does not equal inadequate or incapable parent. The birth of my son was a trauma and then all this upheaval from CYFS created yet another trauma.

Yes, it was extremely traumatic for me having them come into my life and absolutely pulling it apart. Not just with regards to my family, but also it totally screwed us over financially. And then they have the cheek to question our ability to provide our children with enough food. Even though, there involvement has caused us to be in the worst financial hardship ever! They even went as far as to suggest I see my older daughter less, due to lacking in petrol, due to our low income. Yet, not once have they tried to help us remedy this mess that they have created. And I know for a fact they have funds and access to such help. And just to clarify, no matter how poor we have been, our children have never gone without. I am the one who chooses to go without to ensure they are all well fed.

And there are so many red lights signaling to me the huge effect all this has had on my 4 year old. She seems to be displaying a high level of anxiety, needs reassurance, is quite clingy and her behaviour has been effected greatly, as has her confidence and reluctance to interact socially. She used to sleep in her sister’s bed before we got bunks. Now, she either wants to sleep with the light on or wants to sleep in our bed. She has started showing what I would observe as anxiety and insecurity, by chewing on her clothes or sucking them and chewing on her necklace. She sometimes lashes out at kids at Kindy, due to being quite sensitive and/or angry. She tends to keep to herself a lot at Kindy. When her sister is here, she totally opens up and she is happy, chatty and is exactly how she used to be. It upsets me greatly how all of this has effected it.

Regarding my paranoia. I am feeling like some people are bullying or picking on me, with either private messages on Facebook or posts. And I don’t know if some of these posts are about me or directed at me or whether I am just being over-sensitive and paranoid. Though I suspect considering who is doing the posting and being they are all in the same family, it is quite possible I am not actually being paranoid.

Gosh, I was reading a post on PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and just reading the signs made me feel a sense of dis-ease.

I was reading a post on a Facebook group I am in last night and what the person posting described I could so totally relate to. And I wasn’t the only one. Like, we all appreciate that we are not alone in those feelings, while still wishing the others didn’t have to go through it too. It really touched me that post.

Sometimes when I am just lying on my bed, just having a quiet moment, my emotions just hit me like a train. Just, boom and they are all consuming. Such as tonight, I was lying in bed with my 4 year old, while I waited for her to fall asleep and I am hit with feelings of grief, trauma, despair and sadness over the upcoming move and leaving my oldest daughter and also, over how my 4 year old has been effected. And I was just in tears and absolutely consumed with sadness.

I know I am definitely depressed at the moment, as I don’t want to go anywhere, I have no motivation, I want to avoid people, I feel depressed and I’m feeling alone and isolated.

I was thinking tonight, I don’t know how much of my perception of my fiance and our relationship is down to the effect of my mental health and how much is based on fact. As sometimes I truly appreciate him and feel good about us and other times I feel anger and resentment. And I don’t know what to think or feel about all this. It is all very confusing.

I feel really tired, but then again, I did an hour ago when I went up to bed, yet boom, I lie down for a bit and I’m wide awake! So I really don’t trust my bodies ability to fall asleep without my sleep medication(Quetiapine) with this fact considered.

Bullying

I recently watch a movie called ‘Bully’. Created to do with this movement: http://www.thebullyproject.com I found it very touching, upsetting and I am glad that such a movie was made and subsequent movement on this subject. The movie did literally move me to tears.

A few social media links, if you are interested in showing your support on Facebook are: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Challenge-Day-and-Be-The-Change-Movement/19192952301 which I so wish they had here in New Zealand. As it’s an awesome thing! And this one: https://www.facebook.com/SFTSorg?fref=ts

A bit more about the Challenge Day and Be The Change Movement. I became aware of it when I started watching CH6(U) on Freeview(a NZ free-to-air channel) a series called ‘If You Really Knew Me’. Which generally moves me to tears nearly every episode. It’s so inspiring and also very sad. How many teens go through bullying and put on a facade and feel like they can’t show the real ‘You’, due to the fear of judgement and possible bullying. I so wish they had this thing in New Zealand schools. As far as I’m aware they don’t. As I have a 9 year old and eventually she will go to High School and boy do I worry for her. As yeah, she is a bit different and that means kids may be cruel to her. Her school is very good and they have a strong anti-bullying stance. But still, I do hear of the occasional bullying incident from her and always encourage her to tell a teacher and tell the child that their behaviour is not acceptable. I remember one time she told me this older boy said to her that she’s brain damaged and she asked him, what does that mean and he replied “that means you”. As a protective mother and someone who was bullied in school myself, that made me really upset and angry. I wanted to confront that boy and tell him how disgusting his behaviour was. Instead we told the teacher and the teacher made sure she talked to this boy and as far as I know, this has never happened again.

Children, especially sensitive and emotional one’s like my daughter, are quite likely to believe these mean statements from others and believe them to be true, even if I am here, telling her they are wrong and she is an awesome person and people should be happy to know her.

I got hassled plenty in school. Being called name’s like: lapper, slow and likely many other things in primary school which I have blocked out. Had children belittle me and just in general give me crap for being quiet, shy and different. Didn’t help I had a lisp and I spoke so quietly people struggled to hear anything I said. In high school it was stuff like: slow, frigid, surf board(due to my small chest), tight and likely other things I have since forgotten and more belittling. I always found it so confusing, why children were so mean to me. I just didn’t get it. As the way I saw it was, I was a really nice person and what reason would anyone have to not like me. And eventually this crap wears you down and you become depressed and feel a strong self-hatred and your self esteem and confidence are near zero. I did eventually stand up to the bullies and that did help. But yeah, the damage was already done to my confidence and so on.

I did go on to self-harm from about the age of 17. And struggled with depression from my teenage years and still do as an adult. Though the few things that have changed are, I used to have low self esteem, no confidence, was pessimistic and always thinking of the worse case scenario. Whereas, now I am confident, have a healthy dose of self esteem, am optimistic and hopeful. Though that switch only really flipped about 4 years ago.

Over the years I have either self-harmed or struggled with the desire to. Have been suicidal. Though thankfully never attempted to take my life. I credit being blessed with children as my saving grace there.

I really do worry about high school and having 2 children and another on the way, I am aware of the reality that they must go to school at some point and all that that in tales. But unlike in my day, there are other avenues that are used to bully. Such as, at school, via mobile, via social media. I just wish kids and teenagers wouldn’t play with others lives and emotions like they do. If only the world could be the place we’d love it to be, where we wouldn’t fear our children experiencing the realities of this often cruel world.

Mental health issues that can arise from bullying are: anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm and the worst consequence, suicide.

Children and teens find themselves with feelings of despair, hopelessness, anger, hurt and it is a very hard thing to deal with growing up. As you are still trying to find yourself and these mixed messages from others about who ‘you’ are, can really rock your self esteem and confidence and make growing up and finding out who ‘you’ are, very confusing and challenging.