Category: My Story


I never thought I could find a love like this. Most of my teenage and adult life I thought I did not deserve it.

I do not know why.  Why I thought I was not worthy of real, true, honest love.  So I always settled for less.  I always feared letting someone like this in.

I would self sabotage and push anyone capable of this love away.

I can not tell you where these feelings of inadequacy came from.

For I have seen true love.  That is what I believe my mother and step father have.

Having this kind of love is beautiful, a blessing and I do deserve it.  But how scary it is.  After pushing it away for so much of my life and denying myself the opportunity to feel it and give it.

It is clear why it is scary, as it is a huge risk, putting your heart out there and trusting another not to break it.  But I am not the only one taking the risk, I am not the only one who is scared.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I never dreamed I could or would find somebody like this.  And just like they always say, that person comes along right when you are not looking.

I was not looking for love.  I was not even looking for a partner.

How sweet that we found one another.

I have been on Tumblr for the last hour looking at posts about love.  And how some people describe it is perfect.

I find it especially true how many say, that person, they light up the room, they are the light in the darkness, they ignite a spark within you, hearing their voice makes you smile, recieving a text from them brings you joy and they are the one you always look for in a crowded room.  And they feel those exact same thing’s for you.

It is amazing having someone who ignites a spark in me and who wants to nurture and grow that spark. Who wants to stand alongside me as I grow and whom I want to do the same for.

I am not used to this.  I am not used to having a partner who feels so deeply for me and who thinks the world of me.  Who wants to lift me up, instead of tear me down. 

And who truly gets me!

I love that he can read me.  How he pays close attention and knows if I am feeling down and depressed.  He knows without me even having to say a word.  And he cares, really cares.  Knowing I can always be unfiltered with him and just be me, however that feels at any time, is priceless.

If I tell him I am anxious, panicked, depressed and self doubting.  He gets it.  He understands 100%.

Actually being able to feel however I feel and just be me and that be okay, is amazing!

I am not used to a relationship like this.  And of course there are no complaints from me about having such a relationship. 

Wow!  Just wow!

He has captured my heart and I have captured his.  And he knows who he is  ‚ėļ

And yes, he does read my blog.  And not to check up on me like the ex. He reads it because he cares about me and he is interested. 

He is such a sweetheart  ūüíĖ

And well, I also think he is sexy as fuck and hot as hell!

I am SO lucky  ūüėÉ

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I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

Firstly, to my ex who clearly does read my blog.  Do not read my post and then turn around and call me a hypocrite and suggest that I do not have empathy and compassion. What I write in here is MY TRUTH and MY PERSPECTIVE.

Secondly, I do have emotions, even though I may not bare them for all the world to see. ¬†I do get effected, I do feel like crying at times and I do cry. ¬†I am not consistently ‘up’ like some people perceive me to be. ¬†I do still have lows. ¬†Just because I am not drawing attention to the fact, does not mean that I am constantly in an up mood.

Yes, my blog is somewhere I can tell my truth and be completely honest.  And yes, it is an insight into my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.  But please remember, this is all from my perspective.  Misinterpretation is bound to happen, as we all have a unique perspective, a unique view of the world and people can attempt to understand and may relate, but no one is ME.

I feel quite undermined by how certain people and you know who you are, try to put everything down to BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Forgetting I have not actually been diagnosed with the disorder itself, but traits of this disorder.  What must be remembered is that there is actually quite a spectrum and sliding scale on this disorder and some people are on the lower side, some on the medium side and some on the high side. I urge you to keep this in mind.

I am Kelly.  I am not my disorder.  My Mental Illness is a part of me, but it does not define me, it is not my personality, it is just there in varying waves and intensities.

I urge you to also remember that I am a highly intelligent person, with a lot of insight and knowledge in many fields and yes, quite the expert on Mental Health from a learned and lived experience of it.  And call me arrogant, but I am most definitely the expert when it comes to MY Mental Health.  Remember, I have been living with it much of my life.

This blog post might be interpreted by certain people as a dig at them, but it is not.  It is simply me speaking MY truth.

Currently I am somewhat isolated and restricted to go wherever I like, whenever I like. Because I am not a complete cunt and I have allowed my ex to use my car battery for his car, which I did pay for and happily changed into his ownership before I left, as him being able to transport the kid’s around is more of a priority. ¬†But weirdly I am apparently not empathetic or compassionate… Interesting interpretation I must say. ¬†Thankfully I have someone in my life who helps me get out and about when they are free.

So apparently my ex thinks I need to know that thing’s have turned to shit at home because I left and I am not a very good parent presently. ¬†Um, yeah, why would you think that would benefit me to know?! ¬†Sound’s like a great boost for one’s self-esteem NOT! Granted, thing’s have changed there big time and it is a huge change and adjustment, but I do not need to be persecuted and attacked because of that.

Yes, walking away from a 9 year relationship is huge and I am not denying that.

But sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

You should not stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, unsatisfied with and uncommitted to.  Staying is way more damaging for everyone.  And yes, someone will get hurt and it will shatter them and it will take a long time to heal from that.  But ultimately it is for the best.  Though for the one hurting right now, that can not be fully appreciated. Though one day it will make sense.  Life will make sense again and the pain will fade and that hurt WILL heal.

I do love my children, though my family and ex are doubting that fact right now. ¬†My decision will benefit the children in the long run. ¬†Better to have 2 happy parents eventually, then 1 happy parent and 1 miserable parent staying just because society and many others think it is what is best. ¬†It is actually proven to be more damaging to the children to have the unhappy parent stay in the long run. ¬†Children are not naive, they know when thing’s are less then ideal at home.

Do you know one thing I appreciate the most about my friend’s? ¬†They let me be me. They allow me to speak openly, honestly and unfiltered. ¬†They get me. ¬†They never judge me. They never make me feel bad about myself. ¬†They encourage me. ¬†They really understand me. ¬†I know I can tell them anything and nothing will change. ¬†They will still be that beautiful, inspiring, loyal, trustworthy, unique and life changing person I will always cherish. ¬†I choose my friend’s wisely. ¬†So to those I call friend’s, you are fucking awesome, beautiful, inspiring, unique diamond’s to me. ¬†And I am glad you came into my life! ¬†And I have high standards you know, so not just anybody passes the friend test. ¬†Just saying…

I think I have been VERY distracted by the internet today.  As it is now 5:45am.  And I clearly have not been blogging all that time.

Yeah, so, I should go do some sleeping aye.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

 

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore. ¬†But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason. ¬†So I called him back. ¬†He said “I think we need to talk”. ¬†I asked “what about?” ¬†He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”. ¬†I asked him if he had been looking on my social media. ¬†He said “no, I have just read your blog”. ¬†I was thinking oh shit! ¬†So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing. ¬†What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending. ¬†He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok. ¬†Which I have great respect for. ¬†He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes. ¬†But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage. ¬†But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing? ¬†I didn’t have a conscience about it. ¬†I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something. ¬†I should have felt ashamed. ¬†But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on. ¬†Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them. ¬†I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work. ¬†Yeah I was angry and hurting. ¬†I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to. ¬†Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear. ¬†Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s. ¬†I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship. ¬†I just didn’t know how. ¬†So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend. ¬†I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness. ¬†Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos. ¬†Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement. ¬†I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?! ¬†Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about. ¬†My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy. ¬†Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around. ¬†He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard. ¬†I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies. ¬†That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything. ¬†And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him. ¬†I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know. ¬†Just assuming the worse. ¬†Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age. ¬†It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?! ¬†Like, never! ¬†I have always been immature and have never acted my age. ¬†And I have always had friends younger then me. ¬†It’s just me. ¬†That’s who I am and always have been. ¬†It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years. ¬†This is ME. ¬†This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out. ¬†As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2. ¬†So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting. ¬†As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them. ¬†So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people. ¬†Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer. ¬†They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now. ¬†Which is mostly ok. ¬†But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me. ¬†As I like to have my freedom. ¬†My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week. ¬†And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized. ¬†So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote. ¬†As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately. ¬†Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap! ¬†It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

I couldn’t really think of a title more suitable to my life at present.

I am basically living a double life. And it is not as exciting as it sounds. It is quite stressful to be honest.

I have been living this double life for maybe 2 months. I am not entirely sure.

There is 1 part of me that is living life as I truly want to. And the other part of me is just faking it, putting on a facade, maintaining the status quo. That other part of me is not really living, it is more just going through the motions and on auto-pilot. So yeah, that is my life at present.

Basically the gist of it is, I am staying in a relationship/marriage I am no longer invested in, nor happy in, nor committed to. And that is most definitely living a lie.

Why? Because I do not know how to end it. Simply because I am a compassionate, caring and empathetic person and I am aware my husband does want this relationship/marriage and I worry how he will react. And if I am to be honest, I am also scared of how he will react.

I have tried nearly everything I could think of to try and push him to be the one to end it. But no matter what I do he still stays and keeps trying. And I do not want to try. I am over being in this relationship/marriage. Which is pretty shocking, as I have only been married for 4 months. But I can not keep living a lie and staying in a relationship/marriage I am not invested in, that I no longer want, that does not make me happy and just does not fit ME anymore.

All of this is probably not doing my mental health any great favours. I feel numb currently. I also feel torn. As it really is not fair on me to keep dragging this on, just because there are so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions. And I guess it is not really fair on my husband just dragging it on for his sake.

I have been doing a lot of unhealthy things since December some time. Things like inhaling Ritalin once and on a different occasion taking a tab of Acid. Smoking Marijuana a few times. Drinking a lot. Though all of that has ceased now.

During my Acid trip I thought it a good idea to go swimming in my underwear, which was not such a huge deal, but having my keys on me, which ended up wet and stuffing my alarm remote, was not wise. And neither was doing a whole lot of donuts and a few burnouts. That resulted in a few days later, my clutch blowing to bits. So for a while I did not have my car. But thankfully we have 2 cars, so I used the other one.

I have been befriending people on Facebook that my Mother does not approve of.

I have also learned a few new and interesting things about myself during these last few months.

I have through encouragement of a very cool, skilled and multi-talented person, decided to try learn some Hula Hoop skills.

My hair is currently bright pink and dark blue, which I am loving. I will add a picture for you all to see ūüôā

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I also got my tongue pierced. Which is something I had been wanting to do for a while.

I am rather addicted to Chuppa Chups.

My weight loss is going ok. I am finally under 70kgs. The last time I weighed myself I was 68.9kgs.

I am quite sure that my parents and younger sister thoroughly disapprove of me lately.

My oldest daughter is down at the moment, so that is quite nice.

I am unsure if there was anything else I wanted to add to this post. But I know I am definitely feeling very conflicted.

Thankx for reading and following ūüėÄ

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband. ¬†I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries. ¬†I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”. ¬†Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it. ¬†I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues. ¬†Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that. ¬†I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore. ¬†I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now. ¬†As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again. ¬†He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her. ¬†I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me. ¬†I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that. ¬†I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more. ¬†He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone. ¬†I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that! ¬†As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them. ¬†As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit. ¬†So we went to stay at my parents for the night. ¬†And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it. ¬†He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon. ¬†And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again! ¬†I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong. ¬†He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t. ¬†And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that. ¬†Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

This song

This song describes quite well how I feel about the situation with my oldest daughter

Made a bad decision based on being overwhelmed.

You see, I was trying to get baby to sleep and my toddler kept demanding a bottle. So I got her one. Then later she was demanding food and I explained I would get her food once baby was asleep. So she kept on and on and had a tantrum and kept screaming. Anyway, I ended up having to put him down, she was screaming outside my door, which had woken him up, just after I’d got him down. I did lots of yelling all through out this time. Went out my door, kicked the shit out of several doors around me and the safety gate, luckily breaking nothing. Got her some food and went upstairs to re-settle baby. I was pretty upset by this point, so I took 2 lorazepam, and still I was distraught, so I took 2 more and 2 of my antidepressants.

See, I was just over feeling depressed and I wanted to feel happy and calm. That was my reason. Though I must admit earlier I felt like I wanted to sit in the corner and slash my wrists, but really I knew I wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, my GP called to check in on me and see how meds were going, as my antidepressant has been increased to 1 tablet, instead of 1/2 a tablet and asked how I was, so I told her about taking those tablets and why I had done that.

So, I’m sitting upstairs relaxing for once, yes, maybe feeling a bit drowsy and chilled and next thing I hear loud knocking on my front door(which is downstairs) and again, so I went downstairs and I see an ambulance officer at the door and one in the yard and an ambulance and one ambulance officer climbing towards my roof(I assume that’s in case I didn’t answer the door) I opened the door and they were like, you need to come with us, your GP called us and told us you’ve taken a few tablets. And I was like yes, but I wasn’t trying to overdose, I was just wanting to feel happy and calm.

So I had to get my fiance home to look after the kids.

They considered it a small overdose and took me to A & E and did obs on me and then sent me to short stay to wait for CATT team to come assess me.

So, oops! I wasn’t even trying to do anything stupid and ended up being sent to hospital and oh, how mean, they didn’t give my antidepressants back!

Note to self…don’t self medicate!

As a result of my misuse of meds, they have now limited it to me having to pick up my daily dose of Lorazepam and Phenagan from the pharmacy. And if I don’t get to the pharmacy at all, I don’t get that day’s meds, as in even if I come the next day, I only get the meds for that day, not any day I can’t get to pharmacy.

While I understand why they have done this, it causes me more stress. As some day I just want to stay home and also, it’s using up more petrol.

And I thought, ok, that sucks, but I understand the reasons.

And in other news, yesterday I was having a really bad day, where I was crying a lot and had tears streaming down my face a lot. As baby was being difficult and only had 1 sleep during the day and I was just feeling down in general, before having this issue.

Then things got worse. I was informed lady from Open Home Foundation has emailed CYFS(Child Youth & Family Service). As I had said I smacked my youngest daughter’s butt. And when I say smack, it was more like a tap on her butt, not an actual smack. But here’s where it gets bad, my case manager from CMH(Community Mental Health) has told a straight out lie and said to her(Open Home Foundation lady) that I said I wanted to shut my toddler in the cupboard. So that and the smack on the butt apparently is why CYFS have been contacted. I found this out because she called my fiance and told him last night and when he told me what she said, I was in shock and became quite distraught. As I don’t consider smacking my toddler 2 times in 3 1/2 years child abuse. Plus the smack, was more like a tap. I understand due to the changes in the law, even an innocent smack/tap has to be reported by people in these agencies, as the 1 other time I had smacked her, which was twice on the leg, I had told the Psychiatrist at CMH and they put in a referral to CYFS, but they told me they had done that and that is why Open Home Foundation became involved, to help us as a family get more support. But I am like WTF, about the lie my case manager told. And my fiance was shocked too, not about the innocent tap on the butt, as I admitted to that and had obviously mentioned it to Open Home Foundation lady. But about the cupboard, as he knows I would never do such a thing or even think of it. I don’t know why such a lie would be told. And yeah, based on what Open Home Foundation lady was told, even though it’s not true, I understand why she would be making a referral. Fact is, it is not true at all.

Why would someone tell such a lie? And such a damaging and concerning lie.

You see, if you ever admit to smacking your child, even if it’s not abuse and you tell a government funded agency, like CMH(Community Mental Health), MMH(Maternal Mental Health) or Open Home Foundation worker, say like a case manager, counsellor, support worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. They are obligated to report it to CYFS.

So yeah, things have been pretty challenging for me this week.

more history

I think something that didn’t help in my teenage years, that really effected me, was being made to feel like my feeling were not ok or acceptable and often being told ‘get over it’, ‘stop sulking’, ‘stop feeling sorry for yourself’. ¬†So I got very good at bottling up my emotions and blocking my feelings and became good at turning off the tears when people were around and putting on a mask. ¬†Though, as a result things would build up and build up and the smallest things would set it off and result in severe bouts of depression due to this. ¬†Plus feeling like I was a burden or my feelings were, didn’t help. ¬†So I would not tell people I was not ok and pretend all was fine, when it really wasn’t. ¬†I still have trouble telling people when I’m not coping, but I am getting better. ¬†Well I usually post a note on my facebook profile or update my status to reflect my feelings. ¬†That is my indirect/direct way of letting people know I am really not coping. ¬†But I must admit, when I was really depressed, if people responded in the wrong way, I would block and delete them. ¬†You always get the people who say ‘life is good, others have it worse, just get over it’. ¬†And I’m like ‘argh! ¬†Don’t you think if it was that easy, I would just do that?!!!’ ¬†I usually calm down and comment that it is a chemical imbalance and it’s not just a matter of snapping out of it.

Recently I had started feeling severely drained, tired and just utterly crap again. ¬†Had my thyroid levels checked again and yup, they are really low again. ¬†So have been told to take more tablets, so I hope to feel better in my body too soon. ¬†And hopefully when I have more energy, I can get back into exercising. ¬†As that benefits my mind and body and I’m really not into my pre-pregnancy body either!