Tag Archive: criticism


I haven’t really done much real blogging for a while really.  I have been having a huge problem with motivation.  As in, I haven’t really had a lot.  I have really been hanging out to post, but just could not find the motivation to do it.

It is fair to say I have definitely been experiencing some quite intense bouts of depression, which is never fun.  I feel initially this was provoked when my older sister spoke to me about considering the possibility of if my oldest daughter was not returned to me this year as I am hoping.  That did in all honestly provoke quite a downhill spiral with regards to my depression.  But alas, I clawed my way back into some sense of normality and improved somewhat.  And then the next provoker of my next downhill spiral came a few weeks back.  I heard back from the family lawyer in Wellington, who had received my CYFS(child, youth and family) files and had read through them and she said she felt, based on those files, she would not be recommending taking any legal action, as it is a case she could not win.  Hearing this really hurt and it was very hard to take on board.  It made me feel helpless, hopeless and quite sense of despair.  I felt so discouraged.  As I felt that CYFS had given me false hope and that I was essentially being set up for failure.  As when I reflect on the last FGC(family group conference) review, I recall how the CYFS social worker was quite adamant that she would not write down the goal I requested, which was to have my oldest daughter back in my care at the end of the school year.  She said she was not comfortable having that as the goal.

I requested the CYFS files be sent to me by the family lawyer and I read them yesterday afternoon.  All 297 pages.  Not a lot of what was written in there was anything new to me.  There were most definitely misquotes in there and some false statements.  The CMH(community mental health) team I was under in Porirua looked like the unintelligent idiots that they are. What was written by my CMH case manager that I had late last year, made it evident that as I suspected, I really was not being taken seriously and the severity of my depression was not being acknowledged.  From what I was able to read, of what was not blanked out under the OIA(official information act), it seemed they were quite adamant I was not suffering from depression, but a personality disorder.  And they would not say I had a particular personality disorder, just that I was diagnosed as having traits of a personality disorder.  That being ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ traits.  They even went as far as saying a GP would not sign a medical form saying I was unable to work or study due to my depression.  Even though that is not the case.  I am unsure on reflection of this new information and all that I have read, where in all honesty I do stand with regards to a realistic chance of getting my oldest daughter back.  So, essentially I am none the wiser after reading all the files.

I really appreciate the friends I have here in Nelson.  Though I do really miss the 2 friends I have in Wellington.  I have recently reconnected with both some friends I had when I left Nelson and some decent people I knew in college.  And also a best friend of mine who was living in Wellington, is now living down here, which is great.  I really value the friendships that I do have here.  They are invaluable and irreplaceable and I am privileged to have such wonderful people in my life and to call friends.

Recently I was have some major issues in my relationship with my fiance.  To the point I was seriously considering leaving him.  It got to the point on at least 3 occasions in the last few weeks that I resorted to leaving the house for hours each time. The situation was this, instead of him being upfront with me and honest about how he had been feeling, he instead spent an excessive amount of time on his computer, he started being really critical of me and he was not being supportive at all and was being quite a sad excuse of a parent if I am to be brutally honest.  I was trying to be honest with him one afternoon and he went and fell asleep while I was talking!  He seemed to do that a lot, just falling asleep during the day and being of no help to me with the children, despite the fact I was ill and so tired I could barely function.  I was feeling extremely frustrated at how selfish he was being.  So it is unlikely that anyone would be surprised that I was contemplating leaving.  To me, all the sleeping looked a lot like depression.  I was pretty much at the had enough stage, when he surprisingly sent me a text message apologizing for his behaviour and explaining what was going on with him.  And I was SO grateful he did that.  The reasons being, he was feeling stressed about our financial situation and the fact we will have to give the car back to the finance company, he was worried about our many bills and he was also worried about the possibility of my oldest daughter not being returned to our care this year and how that would affect her 2 younger siblings, as well as her.  I thanked him for being so honest and reminded him that he needs to be a present parent to our 2 kids together.  I went out to see my friends on the weekend and he said “great, I’m stuck babysitting again!”.  So I reminded him politely, that it is not babysitting when they are your children.  I think that got the point across.

Well my 1 year old is waking up now, so I need to finish here.  Hopefully it won’t be as long between posts next time.

It is now the evening of Sunday 29th June. Tomorrow is the big day. Moving day. And my goodness has this week flown.

I really enjoyed having more time with my oldest daughter, the one whom I have to leave behind, due to the CYFS(child, youth & family) bullshit.

I am trying to be strong and not think about how huge this is. As I do not know if I will be able to handle all those overwhelming emotions. And I do not want to start freaking out again and getting into a panic.

Deep down inside I know how much pain and grief I feel about leaving her.

I hate that circumstances lead to this.

I still feel guilt over this and blame myself and feel responsible for it.

My 4 year old had a really hard time saying goodbye to her tonight. That was so hard to watch.

You know what? I was thinking about the name Child, Youth and Family and I question why they even have the word Family in there. As it is more accurate to say, they in essence do take the family out of the equation, more often then not.

You know the main thing I look forward to about moving, is the fact I will be far, far away from the people who were bullying me.

I do not look forward to leaving my best friends behind, or this nice house.

In an ideal world I would be leaving everything bad behind. That being, the bits of my past that lead to me becoming so unwell with my mental health. CYFS and unsupportive family on my oldest daughters Dad’s side.

And in an ideal world I would be taking ALL of my children with me.

I am, honestly, so angry and hurt by how things turned out.

My mood has been pretty crappy this week. I have been feeling really on edge, hyper vigilant, anxious, extremely irritable and overly sensitive.

I kind of don’t want to go to sleep. As then tomorrow will be here. And yes, I am kind of dreading that reality.

But I guess it is a pretty natural response considering. I mean I have been living in Wellington for 10 1/2 years. And this a very big move and a huge change. And I am sure, in time I will feel at home again in Nelson.

On another subject. I am kind of pissed off that my fiancé did his usual discrete sneak off to the computer room. And where do I find him and his computer desk? While mine, may I add is all packed away. He has bloody centred his computer and desk in the middle of the room and is playing his friggen game all nice and comfy! I ask him why he isn’t dismantling the bed, like he was supposed to be doing, his response, “I’m just having my hot drink” and I was like “um, bullshit! You are playing your bloody game! Not just having your hot drink!”

It is just not a good time at present to be pissing me off.

As I am quite stressed. And I have been feeling like he has been either on my case about anything and everything. Or just criticising me. And that does not sit well with me.

I can not remember if I have posted about the latest CYFS FGC(family group conference) review and the outcome. But if I have not. I will do so in the next week.