Category: PMS


I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

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Fun times is a sarcastic term I use, when there’s often some stupid crap thrown in there, some stress and less then desirable things happening.

So, this cyber bully/ex-friend continued her spreading of malicious lies some more today. Quite frankly I think everyone, including myself observing this, are just simply over this immaturity and attention seeking behaviour. So I have just stuck to pointing out the actual truth and having a laugh at the ridiculousness of her lies.

As I had hoped would not happen, the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) has been booked for the week leading up to our move to Nelson. Which I stressed 9 weeks ago to the social worker to try and avoid. She only organized it today! And I also emphasized the need for it to be prior to next week, being next week is the week leading up to the big move, therefore a week of more stress. So what does she do, she books it in for 5 days before the move! Less then impressed, yet not that surprised. As it is clear to me, my timing does not even factor. It is about what suits them. And sadly, some less then wonderful CYFS social workers are known for intentionally timing these reviews at times of great stress. I believe it is a ploy to get you at your most vulnerable in hopes things will easily swing in their favour and in hopes some cracks will form in your ability to cope. Well, she will enjoy the timing of it….it is right when I am at my peak with PMS! LOL! Best not to mess with me when I have PMS. But, it is in my favour, as I tend to actually be more honest, can’t be pushed around and speak my mind, but in a polite and respectful way. I am just much more assertive and confident while PMSing strangely.

Annoyingly I am having sleep issues again. So my 1 tablet(25mgs) of Quetiapine is no longer working, neither is 2(50mgs), so I have had to start taking 3(75mgs) and that is not my prescribed amount. So I will be seeing my Psychiatrist in 2 days to discuss this. As some nights it was that my mind wouldn’t shut up, but last night that wasn’t the case and still I could not get to sleep with taking 2 tablets, so I had to take a 3rd to get to sleep. Frustrating!

I am noticing myself feeling quite anxious today. I think this being attacked online by that ex-friend is making me feel quite highly strung.

I do quite like Wainuiomata these days. So I was quite disappointed this 1 stirrer(the ex-friend) had to make the end of my time here less then positive. But clearly she has her own demons to wrestle. But it has become apparent, after many conversations with people living around here, that the whole family are actually known for this behaviour. Even the local police are sick of them. They use social media and mobile to harass and threaten, yet face to face do not say a thing.

I am proud to say, no matter what lies and abuse is thrown at me, I NEVER stoop to that level and retaliate. As that is immature and just fueling the fire and playing a stupid little game. And I will never be that type of person.

LOL! My silly cat keeps nudging my keyboard!

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Right, I best get on to my pre-moving checklist, so I don’t lay awake tonight thinking about it.

For me, PMS and mental illness are not a good combination. And I don’t know if there is any way around this, being I am a female and haven’t experienced menopause.

I do know this. Every month, in the 7-10 days before getting my period, my hormones go nuts. And this is not a good thing. Especially being that my mental health is still not good. It goes and makes an already not so stable and not so mentally well me, even worse.

It makes me more easily angered, more intense with whatever mood it is I am experiencing at any given time, more easily stressed and overwhelmed, more depressed and more mentally unwell. And it makes my fuse(patience) very short.

I really hate it! And there’s really not a thing I can do about it.

As I’ve already accepted I can never be on any hormonal contraception, because of how hormones effect my mental health. And let’s just say, it’s not good! Thus, being why I will being getting my tubes tied asap. Also, I don’t want any more children. And unfortunately, due to my weird body, any other contraception option that is reliable, my body doesn’t agree with. Oh except condoms, which I am making sure we ALWAYS use!

Regarding PMS and it’s effect on me. It also messes with my diet and weight loss. So I have to try and remember this every month, before I start experiencing PMS or I end up undoing all my good work diet wise and usually end up putting on weight I’ve lost, due to an overwhelming desire to eat crap(junk food) during this time. And the bloating doesn’t help either.

I am kind enough to myself though, to allow myself a little treat during this time. And I make sure it’s dark chocolate, with a high percentage of cocoa(70%). As that type, is not only healthier for you and high in antioxidants, but due to it being of a higher percentage of cocoa, it sorts those cravings out, is more healthy and you don’t need to eat as much to satisfy the craving. It’s just pretty much your body craving a sugar hit, because of the blood loss you get during your period I believe. And the thing with ordinary chocolate is, you have to eat more of it to satisfy this craving and it’s unhealthier. And also it spikes your blood sugars levels fast, but they drop more rapidly soon after. Thus being why you feel the need to eat more. And that fast release and rapid blood sugar drop is not healthy.

Hmm…kind of went off on a huge tangent about chocolate… But hey, it was relevant and related to the subject at hand.

You might have worked out by now, possibly, that I currently have my period. This being why this is relevant and fresh in my mind. Sorry if it’s kind of over-sharing. But I thought it was worth mentioning and posting about, in case other women go through the same thing. Which I am sure other women likely do.

Today I have behaved with my diet and kept within my calorie goal. So I am happy with myself about that. As I’ve only just started using the food diary again on MFP(myfitnesspal.com). And usually this time of month, I stuff up diet wise. So good on me for not misbehaving today. But I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, as it’s not. And giving in to the junk can happen so fast and then the excuses come in, like “I’ll start eating healthy after my period” or “I’ll just have a few naughty things and behave tomorrow and/or the rest of the week” or “I’ve been good mostly, so it’s ok to eat what a want briefly”. The problem with these excuses are, they are just avoiding change and putting off the chance to work towards your goal and tomorrow never comes and there’s never a ‘right’ time. So, instead I choose every time I open the cupboard or fridge, to grab the healthy food and if there’s nothing in there that interests me, I’m probably just in there out of boredom, so I go find something to distract myself.

I have to go to the GP in the morning. So hopefully I remember all the things I am seeing him or her about. As I usually forgot some of the important things on my list.

That’s all for today. Should probably get to bed.