Tag Archive: antidepressants


I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

It has been ages since I last posted. The whole not having internet at home has played a huge role in this.  And we also had to move.  So when we would go to the library to use the internet it was usually to look for rental properties.

So we have now moved house.  We are still in Nelson.  We moved from Stoke to Washington Valley which is in town.  It’s a really nice house.  4 bedrooms, not attached to any other houses and it is right next to a big reserve.  We really like it.

Something really bad happened recently.  My best friend who lives in Nelson committed suicide a week ago.  It is really hard to deal with to be honest and it hurts like hell.  It has effected me a lot and it is definitely impacting on my own mental health. But that is to be expected.  I have never had this kind of thing happen to me before.  And for it to be someone I was so close to and who I cared about deeply makes it SO hard to deal with.  I will often to think of him and telling him something or involving him in our life in some way and then I’ll remember he’s gone and hell that hurts!  And being in town now, I will often go places or walk past places I’d been with him and again it will hit me.  I have his funeral to go to tomorrow afternoon and I know that will not be easy.

Regarding my Grandma passing away in January, that still hurts also.  I do see that I do at times intentionally push back the reality that she is gone and I do not like acknowledging that she isn’t around anymore.  It just hurts so bad.

I now have the money for the tattoo I wanted to get in honour of my family member on my father’s side whom I have lost.  I just haven’t plucked up the courage to book anything in.  I also want to get something in honour of my best friend I have just lost also.

Man how I hate how much loss I have had in my life and especially more recently.

The hardest thing about my best friend dying is the fact that I could be completely real and transparent with him.  I could tell him my innermost thoughts.  And I knew that he understood, as he often experienced all the things I was describing.  And it is not that often you find someone who you can be that real with.  I always had the reassurance that he would never judge me and that he would always get me.

I am planning on getting married, maybe this year.  I was thinking July when my Mum would be over here.  But that seems too soon and that would probably cause me too much stress and I do not cope well with stress.  And also the Wedding Show isn’t until October.  So I thought it would be more sensible to attend that show and get a realistic idea of what needs to be organised for a wedding.  I do have the dress, shoes, jewellery, the garter and a cute little suit for my son who will be 2 in August. So at least I have a few important things sorted.

My oldest daughter has been being quite a madam lately.  She has been being quite disrespectful and rude.  This seems to be a theme with her every time she is getting close to going up to Wellington for a holiday.

My older sister currently hates me and wants nothing to do with me.  Which really sux, but there’s not much I can do.

Man, I am experiencing so many different emotions lately, especially today.

Such as, grief, trauma, despair, anger, irritability, paranoia, stress, depression and anxiety.

I kind of feel like I want to numb my emotions right now. I was lying in bed before thinking, I wonder how many of my antidepressants it would take to get my mood into a good place. Maybe 4 or 5. Yeah, not healthy thinking. I just hate feeling so low and distraught.

I don’t know if my paranoia and sensitivity is coming from stress, grief or recent events.

I do know my stress is coming from recent events. Where I feel a few people are taking their stress out on me. And plus there is financial stress in there too.

I feel quite on edge and anxious. And I find myself getting easily irritated and angry. Again, I am unsure specifically where this comes from. Maybe stress and recent events of being judged and feeling picked on and bullied.

The grief and trauma is coming from the upcoming move and having to leave my oldest daughter behind until CYFS(child, youth & family) hopefully let her return to my care at the end of the school year. There is a HUGE amount of grief and trauma surrounding that. And especially surrounding her and how she was not allowed to return to my care after I came out of hospital last August. It effects me hugely this reality. And the trauma also comes from how my life got turned upside down after the onset of my extremely severe depression last August and CYFS becoming involved and how I nearly had my younger 2 taken off me and was not allowed to have my oldest living at home. CYFS well and truly came along and tore my family apart and for what?! Because I had an extremely low point last August. How does that make me an unfit mother? Mental Illness does not equal inadequate or incapable parent. The birth of my son was a trauma and then all this upheaval from CYFS created yet another trauma.

Yes, it was extremely traumatic for me having them come into my life and absolutely pulling it apart. Not just with regards to my family, but also it totally screwed us over financially. And then they have the cheek to question our ability to provide our children with enough food. Even though, there involvement has caused us to be in the worst financial hardship ever! They even went as far as to suggest I see my older daughter less, due to lacking in petrol, due to our low income. Yet, not once have they tried to help us remedy this mess that they have created. And I know for a fact they have funds and access to such help. And just to clarify, no matter how poor we have been, our children have never gone without. I am the one who chooses to go without to ensure they are all well fed.

And there are so many red lights signaling to me the huge effect all this has had on my 4 year old. She seems to be displaying a high level of anxiety, needs reassurance, is quite clingy and her behaviour has been effected greatly, as has her confidence and reluctance to interact socially. She used to sleep in her sister’s bed before we got bunks. Now, she either wants to sleep with the light on or wants to sleep in our bed. She has started showing what I would observe as anxiety and insecurity, by chewing on her clothes or sucking them and chewing on her necklace. She sometimes lashes out at kids at Kindy, due to being quite sensitive and/or angry. She tends to keep to herself a lot at Kindy. When her sister is here, she totally opens up and she is happy, chatty and is exactly how she used to be. It upsets me greatly how all of this has effected it.

Regarding my paranoia. I am feeling like some people are bullying or picking on me, with either private messages on Facebook or posts. And I don’t know if some of these posts are about me or directed at me or whether I am just being over-sensitive and paranoid. Though I suspect considering who is doing the posting and being they are all in the same family, it is quite possible I am not actually being paranoid.

Gosh, I was reading a post on PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and just reading the signs made me feel a sense of dis-ease.

I was reading a post on a Facebook group I am in last night and what the person posting described I could so totally relate to. And I wasn’t the only one. Like, we all appreciate that we are not alone in those feelings, while still wishing the others didn’t have to go through it too. It really touched me that post.

Sometimes when I am just lying on my bed, just having a quiet moment, my emotions just hit me like a train. Just, boom and they are all consuming. Such as tonight, I was lying in bed with my 4 year old, while I waited for her to fall asleep and I am hit with feelings of grief, trauma, despair and sadness over the upcoming move and leaving my oldest daughter and also, over how my 4 year old has been effected. And I was just in tears and absolutely consumed with sadness.

I know I am definitely depressed at the moment, as I don’t want to go anywhere, I have no motivation, I want to avoid people, I feel depressed and I’m feeling alone and isolated.

I was thinking tonight, I don’t know how much of my perception of my fiance and our relationship is down to the effect of my mental health and how much is based on fact. As sometimes I truly appreciate him and feel good about us and other times I feel anger and resentment. And I don’t know what to think or feel about all this. It is all very confusing.

I feel really tired, but then again, I did an hour ago when I went up to bed, yet boom, I lie down for a bit and I’m wide awake! So I really don’t trust my bodies ability to fall asleep without my sleep medication(Quetiapine) with this fact considered.

So I don’t know if what I’m going to write is something I have written about before. The downside to having a crap short term memory. But anyway, I will write about it either way. As it is on my mind a lot.

I personally do not want my suffering to be for nothing. So, no matter how unpleasant, how uncomfortable, how scary, how unfair and how horrible this journey has been or is, regarding my mental health. I will always try to turn it into something positive, useful and purposeful. So that way my suffering has a purpose.

I will always be honest and open about my suffering and not be ashamed of it. I will always share my experience and blog about it. As I want others to know the real me, I want others who are suffering to know they are not alone in their suffering and I want to encourage others to share and be open about their suffering, if they feel they can be. And I want to help give others the strength to reach out, ask for help, hopefully inspire others and help reduce the stigma of mental illness, as well as any shame felt.

So, even though at times I may feel broken, no matter what, this journey will not break me.

Now I want to touch on a really good DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) technique called ‘Radical Acceptance’. It is a technique I learnt about last year some time, but have only really put it into practice since mid-December. And more so lately.

Radical Acceptance, as I would describe it is, accepting your reality, feelings and emotions, no matter how unpleasant those feelings and experiences are. It’s about saying to yourself “hey, this feeling, situation or emotion might suck and may be unfair, but I will accept that this is where I am at and how I feel and that’s ok. And I don’t have to like what this feels like and that is ok too.”

Using this technique has been a life saver, literally and has helped me get through everything I have been through since August last year.

And another part of DBT is accepting your emotions and letting them come and sit with you and eventually pass. As emotions ARE healthy and are definitely necessary. I believe this technique is referred to in DBT as ‘Emotional Regulation’.

I found this website, which covers the DBT techniques and explains them more: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html

‘Distress Tolerance’ is another DBT technique that I know a small amount about and will being learning more about in the next 5 weeks. As I am attending a DBT based Resiliency course through Lower Hutt Community Mental Health, that goes for 6 weeks and covers the technique of ‘Distress Tolerance’. Last week was the 1st week of this course.

I definitely acknowledge my need for one to one therapy though. As it is really difficult having been through what I have been through and am going through without having any therapy at all. And I really do need something that is just for me and about me, where I can go and be totally honest and start to work through things. This reality was making me feel quite upset last night and I was crying for some time about it. As I desperately need some therapy. And I definitely do feel frustrated that only half the fix has been addressed. That being the chemical imbalance component, which is managed with antidepressants.

Pretty sure that’s all I had on my mind to share today. If not, I’ll come back and write another post.

I came across this today on the NZ MentalHealth.org website.

http://www.hdc.org.nz/media/199556/mums%20and%20dads.%20parents%20with%20experience%20of%20mental%20illness%20share%20their%20stories.pdf

It talks about parenting with mental health issues and shares stories of Mums and Dads experiences with mental illness and parenting.  It’s a really good read and I can relate to a lot of it.  So thought I just MUST share this.

Big changes

So, I have a FGC(family group conference) coming up through CYFS(child, youth & family) this Thursday. I am pretty anxious about it. As when I talked to the social worker from there last week, she said they want to take our youngest 2 off us and send them to live with my sister. Which they are not allowed to say, as the FGC is to get together and make a plan regarding all the children. So it’s against the whole meaning of the meeting to suggest that. A few people have suggested they might just be trying to scare us.

As you could probably imagine, being told this has me feeling really upset and is tearing me to pieces. My children are my reason for living and they reason I have sought help, instead of ending my life when I felt suicidal. Calling for help was about caring for and protecting my children. And CYFS are ultimately about care and protection of the children.

They are using my mental health against me and any past mistakes against me. They don’t seem to be acknowledging all the positive things. They are suggesting that I have been neglecting my oldest daughter since she was 2. Which is just so far from the truth. They are suggesting her developmental delay, which was due to glue ear, is only partly that and that I am half the reason. They are saying things that are just not true! Like that she was exposed to too much technology growing up. Which is untrue. She never used a computer until she was 6 and she on occasion watched dvds. It’s hard enough they don’t want her living with me full time and I can’t imagine she feels too happy about that either. Her Dad wants to have her full time, but CYFS will not consider that until he has over time proven himself to be a capable parent. They are using his mental health against him too.

The shitty thing is, why are they focusing on us, who are loving and caring parents and nit picking about trivial things, when there are kids out there actually being abused or neglected?! As our kids are neither. It’s like, due to their failings in the past and kids being neglected, abused and killed and CYFS not taking action in those circumstances, they have tightened the reins way too much and are overreacting. As if you based declines in mental health, dark thoughts and imperfect parenting as a reason for taking people’s children away, so many of us would not have our children. As no parent is perfect and we learn as we go and yes, we do makes mistakes. We are human and humans are imperfect.

They want us to move to Nelson, to be closer to my family, which means more support with our parenting. And that is a huge thing to do. But for the sake of our children we will do that. But the hard part is, that I would have to leave my oldest here in Wellington. Though she has her Dad and his family and great support here. Which is great. But she is my first child and was my only child for 6 years. It is tearing me up the thought of leaving her and how she will feel about it. As she just wants to live with a parent, either her Dad or I. But CYFS say no and want her remaining with the carer she is living with currently. It will leave a huge hole in my heart leaving her behind. Though I will see her in the holidays. My youngest daughter finds it very upsetting that her big sister isn’t here and is really sad when she visits and then has to go again. She misses her big sister.

Moving to Nelson means leaving all my friends behind and it’s not cheap either. Not only is there the cost of moving the furniture, but there’s the cost of actually getting us there and then there is the how of finding somewhere to live.

I’ll be honest, I have self-harmed once since talking to the social worker last week and I having been struggling with the desire to do it again, but thankfully I have not. As I feel to blame for all this, like it’s all my fault and the self-harm was about punishing myself and an outlet for my intense emotions. As I feel like, if I hadn’t got so sick mentally, this wouldn’t all be happening. I have been having panic attacks nearly every night and am having trouble getting to sleep, due to all the thoughts going around in my head. I feel very anxious about this big change. It scares the crap out of me. I haven’t moved islands since 2004. Except for a brief 3 weeks back in 2006. All this is very distressing. The social worker seems convinced I will have a relapse in my mental health, though there is no evidence to support that. I have been getting better, not getting worse. She is using my unwellness and my lack of being able to be as emotionally connected as would be ideal and my inability to do practical things for my toddler, back when I was really unwell against me. I mean come on, I was not functioning back then and it’s not abnormal for these issues when someone is distressed that severely. But I think I have done pretty well considering I have had no therapy at all. And that is vital to my recovery. I have done pretty well in the ways I have improved with antidepressants. And we know that alone is not a fix. I am doing really well with regards to my baby. I actually have a bond with him now and interact with him. Which is a huge improvement from last month.

So yeah, that’s where things are at currently. I am just trying to keep myself as calm as possible. As I had been quite distraught and crying a lot after what the social worker said last week.

1st December 2013

Wow, it’s December already! I just clicked on my calender to see today’s date and discovered that. I often am not fully aware of exactly what date it is. I seem to have a pretty shocking short term memory due to my mental health. It gets especially worse when I get stressed. I have trouble making decisions too. It’s really bad. I’ll go to the supermarket wanting to buy some chocolate and due to my decision making be so ridiculously shocking, I’ll spend nearly 1/2 an hour there. Because I just can’t decide. And the more choices there are, the harder it is to make a decision. I have the same issue selecting a dvd. The only time getting a dvd is easy, is if I’ve watched the trailer and have decided that is the dvd I want.

My review at CMH(community mental health) on Wednesday highlighted to me yet again how bad my short term memory is. The psychiatrist asked how the weeks had been since my last review and before I had that distress last Friday and I honestly didn’t know and couldn’t answer the question. She has decided to up my dose of Venlafaxine(effexor). So I’ll be on 3 tablets, which is 225mgs per day.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned that I created a meet up/support group last year. Well anyway, I did, it’s called Like Minds Support and it’s to support others with mental health issues and meet up at times. I managed to finally organize my first meet up event and 2 people came. It was really nice to meet them and great to be able to share our experiences. It’s nice being around people who understand. It feels good.

I watched a few dvds this week. One I watched was so ridiculously crap. The rest were good. I watched ‘Disconnect’, which is such a good movie and then ‘This is the End’, which is a comedy and SO damn funny! And last night I watched ‘Fast & Furious 6’. I personally love those Fast & Furious movies. I’m a bit of a car enthusiast. I particularly like american muscle cars and some japanese cars, like the one’s in those movies. I also rather like what would be considered teen movies. I guess it’s because I’m young at heart, even if I am 34.

Well anyway, I’ve run out of things to write about for now, so I’ll go find a jigsaw to do online. Til next time.

Big Hearts

Update

So, it’s been a few weeks since my last entry.

I can’t remember if I mentioned in my last post about me telling my case manager at Community Mental Health that I was really unimpressed by their lack of action/ help as I was declining, previous to that Friday when I could no longer cope. And how shocked I was that they suggested going straight back home, considering my dark thoughts and desires.

At my review this week, which included my case manager and the psychiatrist, they said they have taken on board my complaints. I expressed that I don’t have much faith in them anymore.

I had mentioned to my case manager before I left respite, that based on what my Mum had told her psychiatrist about what has been going on with me, that he thought I may have some kind of personality disorder and that some support workers at the respite had suggested I may be suffering some post traumatic stress disorder. At my review, my psychiatrist agreed I do have many of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. And yes, possibly post traumatic stress disorder. But that would be explored later (the PTSD)

From what I have read, it seems to explain what has been going on with me.

My Venlafaxine(effexor) has been increased from 2 x 37.5mg tablets to 2 x 75mg tablets.

I’ll admit I have been struggling a lot with the desire to self harm and have given in once since I’ve been home. But that’s more because with my fiancé being at home, I don’t get the opportunity. And have also felt like running away, a lot.

I’m feeling this weird detachment from my baby, like he’s not mine and I didn’t give birth to him. Clearly I need to get some therapy and work through this. Though honestly, right now, I’d rather be in the psych ward or in a respite house. I don’t want to be living, this that is my life. I am forcing myself daily to stay put and not run. Though it’s very hard. I have almost no interest in my baby and don’t want to deal with him, so I’m not. My fiancé is doing everything for him.

I was watching a video on YouTube earlier explaining reasons why people self harm and so much of it rang true.

At times I feel fearful of going out in public, paranoid about what people from my daughters school and kindy might be thinking about me or what they might know about my situation.

I also feel fearful and anxious about going home and take my time getting home. I’m constantly trying to distract myself with reading or TV, to avoid my thoughts and panic. Though it’s always there much of the day.

I felt pretty freaked out and overwhelmed about the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

That’s all I have to post about for now.

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancé and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancé had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancé’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancé to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancé said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

Made a bad decision based on being overwhelmed.

You see, I was trying to get baby to sleep and my toddler kept demanding a bottle. So I got her one. Then later she was demanding food and I explained I would get her food once baby was asleep. So she kept on and on and had a tantrum and kept screaming. Anyway, I ended up having to put him down, she was screaming outside my door, which had woken him up, just after I’d got him down. I did lots of yelling all through out this time. Went out my door, kicked the shit out of several doors around me and the safety gate, luckily breaking nothing. Got her some food and went upstairs to re-settle baby. I was pretty upset by this point, so I took 2 lorazepam, and still I was distraught, so I took 2 more and 2 of my antidepressants.

See, I was just over feeling depressed and I wanted to feel happy and calm. That was my reason. Though I must admit earlier I felt like I wanted to sit in the corner and slash my wrists, but really I knew I wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, my GP called to check in on me and see how meds were going, as my antidepressant has been increased to 1 tablet, instead of 1/2 a tablet and asked how I was, so I told her about taking those tablets and why I had done that.

So, I’m sitting upstairs relaxing for once, yes, maybe feeling a bit drowsy and chilled and next thing I hear loud knocking on my front door(which is downstairs) and again, so I went downstairs and I see an ambulance officer at the door and one in the yard and an ambulance and one ambulance officer climbing towards my roof(I assume that’s in case I didn’t answer the door) I opened the door and they were like, you need to come with us, your GP called us and told us you’ve taken a few tablets. And I was like yes, but I wasn’t trying to overdose, I was just wanting to feel happy and calm.

So I had to get my fiance home to look after the kids.

They considered it a small overdose and took me to A & E and did obs on me and then sent me to short stay to wait for CATT team to come assess me.

So, oops! I wasn’t even trying to do anything stupid and ended up being sent to hospital and oh, how mean, they didn’t give my antidepressants back!

Note to self…don’t self medicate!

As a result of my misuse of meds, they have now limited it to me having to pick up my daily dose of Lorazepam and Phenagan from the pharmacy. And if I don’t get to the pharmacy at all, I don’t get that day’s meds, as in even if I come the next day, I only get the meds for that day, not any day I can’t get to pharmacy.

While I understand why they have done this, it causes me more stress. As some day I just want to stay home and also, it’s using up more petrol.

And I thought, ok, that sucks, but I understand the reasons.

And in other news, yesterday I was having a really bad day, where I was crying a lot and had tears streaming down my face a lot. As baby was being difficult and only had 1 sleep during the day and I was just feeling down in general, before having this issue.

Then things got worse. I was informed lady from Open Home Foundation has emailed CYFS(Child Youth & Family Service). As I had said I smacked my youngest daughter’s butt. And when I say smack, it was more like a tap on her butt, not an actual smack. But here’s where it gets bad, my case manager from CMH(Community Mental Health) has told a straight out lie and said to her(Open Home Foundation lady) that I said I wanted to shut my toddler in the cupboard. So that and the smack on the butt apparently is why CYFS have been contacted. I found this out because she called my fiance and told him last night and when he told me what she said, I was in shock and became quite distraught. As I don’t consider smacking my toddler 2 times in 3 1/2 years child abuse. Plus the smack, was more like a tap. I understand due to the changes in the law, even an innocent smack/tap has to be reported by people in these agencies, as the 1 other time I had smacked her, which was twice on the leg, I had told the Psychiatrist at CMH and they put in a referral to CYFS, but they told me they had done that and that is why Open Home Foundation became involved, to help us as a family get more support. But I am like WTF, about the lie my case manager told. And my fiance was shocked too, not about the innocent tap on the butt, as I admitted to that and had obviously mentioned it to Open Home Foundation lady. But about the cupboard, as he knows I would never do such a thing or even think of it. I don’t know why such a lie would be told. And yeah, based on what Open Home Foundation lady was told, even though it’s not true, I understand why she would be making a referral. Fact is, it is not true at all.

Why would someone tell such a lie? And such a damaging and concerning lie.

You see, if you ever admit to smacking your child, even if it’s not abuse and you tell a government funded agency, like CMH(Community Mental Health), MMH(Maternal Mental Health) or Open Home Foundation worker, say like a case manager, counsellor, support worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. They are obligated to report it to CYFS.

So yeah, things have been pretty challenging for me this week.