Category: Anxiety


FML (Fuck My Life) is the perfect way to describe how I feel lately.

Just stressed in a few areas. And I feel so crap all the time.

I have felt like self harming a few times, but thankfully haven’t and have had a few fleeting desires suicide wise.

My energy levels are like non-existent. I have no energy! I feel tired all the time! And I have no idea why.

I do need to go to the GP, but I owe over $50 and I don’t think they let you make an appointment when your debt is over $45 and it’s been in debt for over a month. Also I’m pessimistic of whether I will be taken seriously, based on previous experience. I feel I get fobbed off, when really I need to be taken seriously and I need the GP to look into what the issue is causing this low energy and constant low mood.

I’m SO moody, grumpy, sensitive, irritable, emotional and just a bloody mess! I can hardly bear myself and I have no idea how anyone else can deal with me. It feels like how I react isn’t even a conscious thing. I’ll react and then think to myself, why am I reacting like that?

I feel like it’s hormonal, physical and mental. I definitely feel effected in all those areas.

I was talking to my partner about how I wish I could just get drunk, just so as to feel something other then utter crap. And I cried just talking about it. My emotions are so on edge. I feel for him, having to deal with me at the moment. It can’t be easy.

I have definitely found the school holidays that are about to finish, very difficult. I just feel like I have not had the energy for the kids and found my tolerance quite low at times. It was quite hard when my oldest daughter was here, seeing her level of anxiety. It can’t be easy for her. And from what I’ve read from her carers, things are really difficult for her with them and at high school. I would like to try get her back in my care. But I feel like I’d need to secure a bigger place and be closer to family location wise.

I feel like some of my physical health problems are effecting my energy and aggravating other physical health problems. Like I feel like coming up to ‘that time of month’ I get a little constipated and going number 2’s aggravates my cervix, causing my cervical prolapse to become worth, which then causes bleeding before ‘that time of month’ and my cervix prolapsing aggravates the nerves in my back, causing back pain. And I already get the back pain during ‘that time of month’ any way. Then I am drained with ‘that time of month’ and PMSing during that time too. It feels like PMS all day, every day! I will be SO angry if I go to the GP eventually and I get no answers. This is NOT living! This is existing and that sux!

Bills. Oh they suck! You get on top of some and then before you can relax, another and it’s somehow overdue already! If it wasn’t for my repairs and buying mobiles, tablets/iPads or iPods for cheap and selling for a profit, things would be so much worse.

There is a really well priced office for rent in Stoke, but the issue is, where do we come up with the extra $50 a week to pay for that and also, power for it. I really like it and the location, but how to make it happen? As I feel like I don’t have enough work to afford it. But it’s like a double edged sword, like I shouldn’t forever put opportunities on hold, but also, I don’t have enough work yet. I wish I could have a home office. I like the idea of a small business loan, but is it affordable? And where would be affordable and can I earn enough to pay it back and is it a realistic option? I don’t feel like it would need to be a very big loan, just enough to get stock and advertising material, but only necessary, as in like flag/banner or sign. Something that you only have to pay for once.

So far advertising wise, I have 2 car magnets, a bumper sticker on my car and got 250 business cards printed for my business. I must say, loving Vistaprint prices!

Argh! I get so stressed when I’ve got things for sale and I get people enquiring, but no-one buying. Or asking to buy, then mucking me around and not buying.

I don’t look forward to going to bed at night or sleep. As it’s like, yay, lets have a sleep, only to wake up and still feel tired ALL THE TIME!

Ok, I think I’ve done enough venting now. I think I might drink a coffee…at nearly 10:30pm, just because.

Thanks for reading and following to those of you who follow my blog. I’m sorry there’s not a lot of positive much of the time, but yeah, I’m being real. I wish things were better 😦

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Honestly I have no idea what is up with me the last few months.

My emotions have been a bloody rollercoaster! I feel like I’m constantly in a bad mood, or sensitive mood. I feel jumpy and anxious. I get upset so easily. I get irritated so easily.

I feel nearly constant fatigue which sucks. As it gives me very little motivation.

Totally hating my body. Of course it is my fault it is like this. I do end up being slack and ignoring my diet to some degree. I’m sure my diet probably isn’t helping with the above matters.

I just feel like something is up with me. I don’t feel these moods are normal or healthy.

It’s not been an easy last few months. We have had 3 of our pet rats pass away. Well 1 of them we had put to sleep. It’s been hard in different ways losing them each. The first one was quite traumatic to be honest. She had a tumour, which we had paid $300 for the vet to remove, but it came back within a few weeks and far worse. She started biting on it and causing it to bleed a lot and within 2 days of her doing this, she started fading pretty fast. On her last day, my partner handed her to me, as his Dad took him out for coffee and within a minute of being given her, I knew something was up and she was very rapidly fading away and went floppy. I tried to give her mouth to mouth, with no success and before I knew it she was gone. I was distraught. I still held on to her for several hours afterwards, giving her snuggles.

Then a week or so after that, we had to have our oldest rat put down, who was our first rat. As he also had a tumour and had been biting on it and it just kept spreading and he ending up being in a lot of pain. So we took him to the vet and had him put to rest. That too was traumatic in it’s own way. Mostly the handing him over to the vet and him trying to reach back to us. You kind of feel like you are betraying their trust.

The last rat we lost, she was our 2nd rat, the oldest female rat. She seemed to have a small lump, but I think it was doing it’s damage internally to be honest. I think over the period of about a week, she just seemed to be getting slower and weaker. Though she was still defying odds and leaping around and attempting to be lively til the very end. Even going for a burst down the driveway only 1/2 an hour before she passed away. I’d say her passing was easier to deal with, as we knew she was going that way, so we had time to come to grips with the fact she would be leaving us.

I think to some degree I am still somewhat numb to all the loss. I’m just in general very low and sensitive.

I guess I should go to the GP at some point and see if there is actually any reason behind these moods and low energy.

I think I will leave this post at that. I don’t feel like I have much else to say at the moment.

Thanks for reading

Typical that when I decide I’m going to make a post, my iPad decides it’s on 10%.  So, I will try get a decent post in before the battery runs out.

It’s been a few months since I posted a decent blog post.  Not that there has been a lack of things to blog about.

I kind of feel like I don’t really know how the fully relax most of the time.  I feel like I need to always be doing something or working on something and I also feel,like there’s a lot I need to do that I’m not.  It’s like operating on some level of anxiety all the time.  I guess because financially there are a lot of up and downs.  

I always have at the back of my mind that debt I have mostly created and how I have been really irresponsible with regards to that debt and what’s worse is that it is under my partners name.  And he had never had any kind of debt and was apprehensive about getting things on credit. In case basically this situation happened.  And I reassured him that we would make regular payments and I’d keep on top of it.  And I for the most part haven’t.  And I feel like shit about that.  Examples being, when I have asked to use the credit card to purchase something to fix and resell for a profit, which would then go back on the card to cover the debt plus extra. Then I wouldn’t follow through and only some of the profit of resale would go back on.  Sometimes I would reinvest the profit to make more profit, but the majority of the time not all of the profit would go back on the card.

I am a true Borderline Personality with regards to financial matters and spending money I in theory don’t have, with out regard for the consequences.  And often I would try and ignore my feelings or guilt and failure by drinking.  Yeah not helpful I know.

I got really upset and stressed and depressed on Thursday night due to our overdue power bill, huge debt, feeling I have let my partner down big time, feeling like a failure, a fuck up, a burden, car on empty, no spare money, not selling anything as yet that I put time and money into getting operating and feeling like there’s no way out of this mess.  So I did my usual unhelpful behavior and took more then my normal dose of Quetiapine, so as to ignore reality for at least the next day and not deal with shit.  Not very helpful behavior either when someone ends up wanting my help with their laptop and compatibility testing the next day and I end up looking like I don’t not what the hell I’m doing due to be off my face and doped up on Quetiapine.  I would say I worried a few people on Friday, due to a very early FB post simply saying “Fuck Everything!” and then turning my phone off.  I just didn’t want to deal with anything at all.

I fair the potential of starting my business more extensively.  In case I just go fuck up the businesses finances in a big way, due to living outside my means and making a mess of the whole thing.  Also some of that fear most likely stems from lack of success in the past and never having found my ‘thing’, the one little something that I’m really good at.  I’m just used to just existing and barely living.  I’m not familiar with the concept of success.

Also, I do fear the unknown, like many and that is always a daunting thing.

I was thinking of creating a WordPress for my business.  As I feel it’s much more customizable then then Wix and I like being able to tag keywords.  I’d say that would definitely be a benefit to WordPress.  Plus, come on, WordPress is just AWESOME.

I have nearly finished the 22 week Small Business Course, which is a huge achievement.  As I’ve barely ever finished any course in the past.  It is definitely a worthwhile course and I am glad I decided to attend it.  I have learnt a lot about what considerations need to be taken when starting a new business.

2 of our girl rats had babies.  Eevee had 7 and Rosie had 9 🐭🐁🐀

I really don’t feel like I can stop stressing until we’ve found money to pay the power bill and sold more things so we can put money on the credit card debt.  I hate how terrible I am with money.  It makes me feel so crap about myself.

Another thing that really got me down on Thursday night was the reality check via the mirror and the very real reality check via the scales.  I have been in denial about the reality of my weight gain.  Choosing to find ways to try and hide the extra weight, instead of acknowledging it and attempting to do something about it.  I am currently so overweight, that I am literally 6 kgs away from my heaviest ever, which by the way was when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest.  This is the heaviest I have been outside of pregnancy ever!  All the weight I lost after I had my son, I have gained back plus more.  I’m nearly 30 kgs away from my goal weight.  Honestly, I am disgusted with myself.  I am solely to blame for all this extra weight.

I think I should actually try get some sleep now.  As its 3:11am

Thanks for reading.  

So recently I have had my oldest daughter staying for part of the school holidays. She stayed for 8 days.

It was really awesome having her here and she had a really good opportunity to really bond and get to know my partner and vice versa.

What I always find interesting and also a tad concerning, is how she does not feel free to express herself, her opinions and just be honest, with her carers. As she always has in the back of her mind when expressing certain things, what they would say or how they would react. She feels quite judged and under pressure with them and she does not feel completely supported by them. I understand they are trying to act in her best interests, but I feel their own upbringing shapes how they perceive things and how they feel she should be. A lot of what they term ‘rude’ and ‘naughty’, is simply my daughter asserting herself and expressing her opinion. I find and she finds, they quite often compare her to how their sons are or were at that age. But to be fair they are males and they are their biological children. Things are very different with the opposite sex and children you are caring for. As a child in you care is most likely not going to have been bought up with the same morals and ideals/values.

My daughter really does find it quite different going from being in a supportive, nuturing and honest enviroment, to quite a structured enviroment with very strict rules and expectations.

I am glad she find her interactions and time with my partner encouraging and supportive.

I would like her with us, but I know that battle would be very hard and stressful and quite likely I feel it may not go in my favour.

With regards to my younger 2 children. I am finding my younger daughter is having issues with my son, her younger brother and she seems to find him quite a nuisance and can tend to pick on him a lot. Which is unfortunate, as he really loves her and just wants to do whatever she is doing. Typical sibling rivalry dynamcs though. I certainly understand it from my own experience with having a younger sister. But it is much harder when it is actually your own children

My younger daughter certainly is quite effected by my oldest daughter, her sister, not being here. And my oldest daughter really misses her too. She was quite tearful and upset when her little sister had to go home from my place after staying the night. She really does miss her.

Oh my goodness, one of our younger rats is running around like a nutter right now. Every now and then she runs across my keyboard and randomly types hehe.

We have had a fair bit of stress lately. Our benefit application took forever to process and we ended up getting nearly a month behind in rent. It was freaking me the hell out and getting me quite anxious and stressed out. Thankfully it all got sorted late last week.

I find I am getting a lot of interest in my business, but my lack of stock does hold me back a lot. I wish I could just get an investment or loan, so I can start operating it. I know it’s a worth while project/investment and it has great potential for success. It is just a matter of the start up costs.

Oh gosh, was starting to feel quite tired…then I looked at the time. Not surprising, it is 1:11am. I guess I should get some sleep.

Thankx for reading and following.

So, I have made a good amount of progress with regards to my business. I have completed a business plan, made a sign for my home to advertise my business and created and printed my business cards. Basically I want to save money in as many areas as I can by doing what I can myself.

I’m thinking maybe I should create a WordPress for my business.

If any of you want to have a look at my FB page, just search “flat4iPhone/iPad Repairs” on FB. It’s simple, but that’s ok. I can’t really afford to pay to advertise it any further as yet.

I have sent in an inquiry with a bank for a small business loan. So hopefully I have success there. As I am really held back by the lack of stock.

We have been having people stay through AirBnb, which has helped with money and we get to meet people from all over the world.

My now ex friend came and stayed for a bit too long recently. Initially the issue was her sleeping too much and spreading her mess everywhere. Then there was her self-centred nature and thinking everything was about her and that everyone is on this earth to serve her. She treated us like her personal taxi and source of entertainment and when things did not go her way she would have a hissy fit. It was so stressful and draining having her here. And she just did not seem to have any concept of what person space is. Like when she was doing a lot of sleeping, she would just go make herself comfortable on our bed without asking. She even had the arrogance to ask me to ask my partner to do whatever he was doing in our room, in the lounge and then she went and napped on our bed some more. She made a boom site of the spare room. She talked disrespectfully about any male AirBnb guests, saying she would not stay in the spare bed, as “all males are the same”. To which I told her, they are not and not every straight male wants to sleep with her and she should not put males into a box. While she was here, she met 1 of our younger friends, who is 19 and she is 36 and she decided she wanted him. She was pretty much hanging off him telling him how great she is and talking herself up, as she thinks every guy thinks she’s attractive and wants to sleep with her. And when our friend rejected her, she had a huge sulk and whinged about it for the next day and a half. She paid us a small amount for food the first week and the next week she decided drugs were more important. She had been to rehab recently, but clearly that didn’t do much, as she went back to drugs not long after. And she is not a very nice person when she’s high and hangs around some very dodgy people. I heard recently she blames me for her going elsewhere and getting into strife. She is one of those people who accepts no responsibility and everything is everyone’s fault and but hers. I am in no way to blame for saying no to driving her around and pandering to her every want. My partner and I would intentionally stay away from OUR home for as long as possible to avoid being around her, as she is very toxic and we need our time alone as a couple. We would have friends who had only met her 2 times say about her, “you need to get that person out of your house and life asap”. Her ex also said the same and warned she will bring trouble right to our door. When she came to get some of her stuff, she was like “I’m not moving out, I’m just getting a few things” and we were sitting there thinking, but you never moved in! And when she finally got the hint she was not welcome to stay, she came over with some dodgy drug addicts to get her suitcase and the women let herself in and demanded to use the toilet, which I told her was in use and then she was asking where a sink was and starting walking around demanding I tell her where the toilet was. I refused to tell her and they finally left and she told me my house smells disgusting and I said “don’t come into my house and talk to me like that” and she replied “do I look like the kind of person who cares what you think?” and then she dumped some rubbish on the doorstep and they left. It took me a few days to get over the fear and anxiety, worrying someone would come and try get revenge on me for not allowing this ex friend to stay on further. So glad she is out of our life. We both blocked and deleted her on FB. She refers to me as her best friend, which I am not and see certainly never treats me like a good friend.

My partner and I are so glad to have such a person out of our lives.

I went to the movies last night with my partner and we saw ‘A Street Cat named Bob’. We loved it! Best movie ever I reckon.

Better get on with my day, as I have to pick my daughter up from school in a few hours.

Thankx for reading 🙂

Depression and anxiety at night

Lack of Stability/Uncertainty 

The lack of stability and uncertainty is due to only having 8 days left before we have to move. And we have not been offered a place to rent yet.

So now we have had to really consider our options, of which there are not many.

We have looked into short term accommodation at all the places we know of, but they have nothing. We considered hiring a caravan, but the weekly rate for that, as well as a powered site is too high. We have looked into flatting for a short period, but noone I have contacted is keen.

So basically if we are not offered a place to rent in the next week, we will have to live in a tent in a camping ground and put most of our stuff into storage. 

Admittedly I have been suffering panic attacks more often at night before I fall asleep. Just freaked out by the uncertainty. 

I don’t know how much I’ll be able to have my kid’s next week, as there’s a lot to get sorted next week. Though I feel bad about potentially saying no to having them much next week. But also I worry if I am feeling stressed I may not be able to give them the attention they deserve.

Hopefully I will be able to update on thing’s next week some time. 

Until then, thank you for reading and following. 

So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking 😥  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

I never thought I could find a love like this. Most of my teenage and adult life I thought I did not deserve it.

I do not know why.  Why I thought I was not worthy of real, true, honest love.  So I always settled for less.  I always feared letting someone like this in.

I would self sabotage and push anyone capable of this love away.

I can not tell you where these feelings of inadequacy came from.

For I have seen true love.  That is what I believe my mother and step father have.

Having this kind of love is beautiful, a blessing and I do deserve it.  But how scary it is.  After pushing it away for so much of my life and denying myself the opportunity to feel it and give it.

It is clear why it is scary, as it is a huge risk, putting your heart out there and trusting another not to break it.  But I am not the only one taking the risk, I am not the only one who is scared.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I never dreamed I could or would find somebody like this.  And just like they always say, that person comes along right when you are not looking.

I was not looking for love.  I was not even looking for a partner.

How sweet that we found one another.

I have been on Tumblr for the last hour looking at posts about love.  And how some people describe it is perfect.

I find it especially true how many say, that person, they light up the room, they are the light in the darkness, they ignite a spark within you, hearing their voice makes you smile, recieving a text from them brings you joy and they are the one you always look for in a crowded room.  And they feel those exact same thing’s for you.

It is amazing having someone who ignites a spark in me and who wants to nurture and grow that spark. Who wants to stand alongside me as I grow and whom I want to do the same for.

I am not used to this.  I am not used to having a partner who feels so deeply for me and who thinks the world of me.  Who wants to lift me up, instead of tear me down. 

And who truly gets me!

I love that he can read me.  How he pays close attention and knows if I am feeling down and depressed.  He knows without me even having to say a word.  And he cares, really cares.  Knowing I can always be unfiltered with him and just be me, however that feels at any time, is priceless.

If I tell him I am anxious, panicked, depressed and self doubting.  He gets it.  He understands 100%.

Actually being able to feel however I feel and just be me and that be okay, is amazing!

I am not used to a relationship like this.  And of course there are no complaints from me about having such a relationship. 

Wow!  Just wow!

He has captured my heart and I have captured his.  And he knows who he is  ☺

And yes, he does read my blog.  And not to check up on me like the ex. He reads it because he cares about me and he is interested. 

He is such a sweetheart  💖

And well, I also think he is sexy as fuck and hot as hell!

I am SO lucky  😃