Feeling Stuck, Overwhelmed, Lost

Actually putting in the time to write a post is hard. I just get overwhelmed and everything is an effort

Just even thinking about actioning any desire to post makes me anxious sometimes

Sometimes my level of anxiety about doing things just overwhelms me and stops me from taking any action

I’ve been feeling kind of in a funk at work lately. Just very over my job and how simple and unchallenging it is. I feel like it doesn’t require a whole lot of skill and most people could do it. Also been feeling unappreciated at work also. Seems a bit of a popularity contest at times. As it seems the well liked and more popular group of people seem to stick up for their buddies and let management know they are doing a good job. Doesn’t seem to matter if I am doing just as good a job or better. After nearly 4 months, not once has there been any feedback telling me I’m appreciated and doing a good job

I expressed this frustration to a work colleague and she has felt the same with regards to herself and her effort and not being appreciated or acknowledged. She did at least say she considers me to be a hard worker with a great work ethic, so it’s good to be told someone sees it

I also talked to my temp agency about this frustration and he says the place I’m working at does sing my praises and appreciate me. And I’m like, yeah great, but why do they never bother to let me know this? Why do they seem to only show appreciation for the popular bunch?…

With my job I feel very unchallenged also and I feel like they are just going to leave me in the mundane job I’m doing, despite that not being the job I was hired to do and despite me making it very clear I need a challenge and I would like to be in other roles. I guess I just don’t feel heard or appreciated. Also, despite having an interview over a month ago, I have heard nothing. So it leads me to believe they have chosen someone else over me, because I have other commitments and can’t do weekends

Like I understand they are a business and why they would prioritize others who can do more hours. But I do a better job then several of those others and I don’t slack off and get paid for doing minimal. I actually do my job very well and don’t slack off at all

I am putting in the effort to upskill myself, as it seems I’m just not getting the opportunities at work, so I have to effect change myself

I know myself well and when I am getting depressed at work and hating my job, it’s hard to focus and to want to stick at it. So as an adult who is responsible for steering my own ship, I’m doing something about it

I’ve had a lot going on lately. I’ve moved out of the flat I was in, have moved into a caravan, which is a huge change and such a huge adjustment, which at times feels like a lot and is hard to feel at ease with

I have felt judged by my oldest daughters grandparents, as they thought it was a step backwards and lets just be honest, they are kind of being closed minded snobs about the whole caravan thing and where I have relocated to. Yeah, I get it, they worry. But it’s not really fair for them to make assumptions and judgements without actually talking to me and seeing where things are at in my life. They basically freaked out and thought it was me going backwards. I had to explain to them that I am actually paying $10 more a week where I am now and it was the most affordable option for someone living alone. Rent is high these days and living alone in even just a 2 bedroom flat is way more expensive then it was when I moved in to the old flat. I paid $320 per week and now that same size and same location is $430-$480 per week and that was just not affordable on a single wage

Then there were other stresses with my own family and how my mother feels about my younger 2 kids and their shyness and reluctance to converse with her or others. And granted, I get it that it’s not ideal. But basically telling 2 young kids that they are rude, yelling at them and calling their father a loser who is fucking up their life, is the wrong way to approach these concerns. And using tough love as an excuse and saying you’re not going to pussy foot around the subject, is not being responsible for your words and actions. And all the kids hear, is you’re bad and your dad is a bad person. I urged my mother to be more mindful of her language and the consequences of what she said. She just got on the defensive. Yes I did say to her that her tough love screwed me up and she didn’t like hearing that, but I am allowed to speak my truth and assert myself. She felt like using tough love on me while I was growing up would make me tougher. I told her, no, I was a sensitive and emotional child and that was actually more damaging then anything else

I do make a point of acknowledging that I know all this comes from a place of love, so she knows it is seen and appreciated that she tries, even if the delivery is wrong

Parents have a hard time taking advice from their adult children. I feel like they feel disrespected sometimes when an adult child asserts themselves. Sadly their reactions are a result of their own upbringing. Some of us are just breaking the unhelpful cycles of possibly generations of harsh parenting

Tough love has it’s place yes. But a wise person knows when to employ it and when to hold your tongue. Words are damaging

Saying your granddaughter has an attitude for expressing an opinion that differs from yours is also not fair. Neither is pushing someone and trying to force your opinion on someone while they are asking for space and to be left alone. Especially if that person is having a very obvious panic attack and trying to find ways to calm themselves

It was a very hard night for me having 2 of my girls in tears, having panic attacks and trying to keep everything calm and protect them. That experience did wear on me a lot. That was also the same weekend my oldest daughters granddad expressed his concerns and judgement, so it was a lot to handle

So all of that passed and it was meant to be back to work, but then I had a little accident on my motorbike and broke a part on my motorbike and injured my foot. Apparently it’s a temporary dislocation of some bone in my right foot. So as a result I’ve not been able to work all week

So everything just built up and was a lot to handle. The moving and feeling vulnerable here by myself. The feeling isolated as I’m in a different part of NZ now. The stress of the other weekend. The lack of satisfaction and lack of appreciation at work. The injuring myself. The drain on myself physically while I’m healing and also the lack of uncertainty with not being able to work and now relying on a ridiculously small amount of money from WINZ to survive on and how I will get by while I’m doing a 2 week Wheels, Tracks and Rollers course. So yesterday I was a bit of a mess. Crying a lot of the day, feeling like utter shit, no motivation in doing anything

Got a bit needy and insecure and was begging my ex to come hang out with me. Which isn’t really fair or enjoyable for him. Then I cause him to worry about me and that’s not a burden I want to put on him

I guess I give him confusing and mixed messages at times by laying all my crap on him. Like I think he feels responsible for trying to come up with a solution or a way to fix the problems I express. All I am really wanting is to share how I’m feeling. But I think I have trouble with getting the right balance. Like I want to be fair to him and his needs and not burden him. Sometimes I think I am too busy trying to get out of my funk and I don’t realize how laying my crap on others might feel for them or drain them or ware on them

He said he feels sometimes like he’s just a dumping ground for my crap and yeah that’s not fair

He is the only person I feel is a true friend and who I can actually rely upon. He very much has my back and has always supported me and encouraged me and he’s the one person I trust the most. I trusted him with my heart, my vulnerability and the mess I used to be and he certainly stepped up and proved he was the only person deserving of that trust and vulnerability. I do honestly feel like people like him only come by once in a lifetime and that you should make sure they know how special they are to you and that they are appreciated and seen and supported

One of my rattos died earlier this week and that was really unexpected and hard to deal with. He was pretty special to me and he had a special relationship with me. As I was the only person he ever bonded with. He was quite a shy boy. His name was Shadow. So that’s been quite hard losing him and now I’m worried about his brother Dusty, as Dusty is looking like he might be on his way out too. Just looking at him now he looks a bit concerning. Like he might be on his last legs. But sometimes I get it wrong and they’ve still got a bit more life left in them. I just got extra worried, as yesterday he fell out of his basket

I feel like sometimes I’m all over the place with my thinking and writing and that maybe it’s hard to follow and wonder if it makes sense. I also think too much and overthink, so yeah, that doesn’t help

Anyway, I got this. Everything is alright, even when it all feels like too much and everything is always fine in the end. And I can always take back control when things feel out of control and tomorrow is a new day and the future is always full of new possibilities and I am responsible for my happiness

Anyway, I should probably get some sleep soon

Sunday 12th June 2016

I just finished watching a very interesting and thought provoking movie. It is about bipolar and mania.

Touched with Fire

There is another movie I am very interested in watching, so I need to see if it is at the video store. It is about a boy with bipolar and is based on a true story. No Letting Go

An interesting part about the first movie, the one I just watched tonight, is how the 2 main actors, who were portraying 2 bipolar inpatients, were acting at a very manic time and their fixations and obsessions about certain things. I gave me an honest insight into what I observed from a guy who I was in the Psychiatric Ward and respite with back in August 2013. I now understand what head space he was in and where he was at with things he would talk about in great detail when in Psychosis.

I have been feeling quite anxious today, as I have my first appointment in over more then a year at Kawai Clinic, that is the name on the Nelson Community Mental Health Clinic. I’m not too sure how long the appointment will be for, but hopefully it is productive and here’s hoping I am taken seriously and offered some help. Instead of my usual experience of being fobbed off. I am sure if I do feel fobbed off, I will be on here venting about it tomorrow. Let’s hope I am wrong. Though, naturally it is very hard not to be pessimistic based on previous experience with those lot.

Though an appointment with them is progress, I just get really anxious and slightly distressed at the thought of talking to someone about everything. It doesn’t come as naturally anymore, as it used to when I was in a darker place and at my worst. As experience has jaded me and I have got into a habit of hiding how I feel and not talking about it with professionals. As I have been left to my own devices for so long. And did not even get a look in with the CMH(community mental health) after my slight suicide attempt last August. I mean that, if anything should have provoked some kind of referral. But no. It is such a sad state of affairs this thing called the Mental Health Sector in NZ.

I have another appointment straight after this particular appointment as well. With my ex and the relationship counsellor. Gah! Why do they both have to be on the same day and straight after one another?! Fun times….not!

Anyway, enough about that.

Thing’s with my new partner are great and I feel very blessed to have him and am just SO happy with him. I can be ME with him. Faults and all. I could not ask for anyone better.

I will head to bed soon, as I have my appointments in the morning and I really don’t like appointments in the morning. So I best get some sleep. Plus, some time soon my Quetiapine will kick in and I might start heading into what I like to call ‘zombieland’ territory and may stop making sense. It is really quite amusing when I am in that state. I just start having sudden pauses in my thinking and speaking and keep spacing out.

Anyway, good night and thankx for reading.

The Mess That Is My Life

I couldn’t really think of a title more suitable to my life at present.

I am basically living a double life. And it is not as exciting as it sounds. It is quite stressful to be honest.

I have been living this double life for maybe 2 months. I am not entirely sure.

There is 1 part of me that is living life as I truly want to. And the other part of me is just faking it, putting on a facade, maintaining the status quo. That other part of me is not really living, it is more just going through the motions and on auto-pilot. So yeah, that is my life at present.

Basically the gist of it is, I am staying in a relationship/marriage I am no longer invested in, nor happy in, nor committed to. And that is most definitely living a lie.

Why? Because I do not know how to end it. Simply because I am a compassionate, caring and empathetic person and I am aware my husband does want this relationship/marriage and I worry how he will react. And if I am to be honest, I am also scared of how he will react.

I have tried nearly everything I could think of to try and push him to be the one to end it. But no matter what I do he still stays and keeps trying. And I do not want to try. I am over being in this relationship/marriage. Which is pretty shocking, as I have only been married for 4 months. But I can not keep living a lie and staying in a relationship/marriage I am not invested in, that I no longer want, that does not make me happy and just does not fit ME anymore.

All of this is probably not doing my mental health any great favours. I feel numb currently. I also feel torn. As it really is not fair on me to keep dragging this on, just because there are so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions. And I guess it is not really fair on my husband just dragging it on for his sake.

I have been doing a lot of unhealthy things since December some time. Things like inhaling Ritalin once and on a different occasion taking a tab of Acid. Smoking Marijuana a few times. Drinking a lot. Though all of that has ceased now.

During my Acid trip I thought it a good idea to go swimming in my underwear, which was not such a huge deal, but having my keys on me, which ended up wet and stuffing my alarm remote, was not wise. And neither was doing a whole lot of donuts and a few burnouts. That resulted in a few days later, my clutch blowing to bits. So for a while I did not have my car. But thankfully we have 2 cars, so I used the other one.

I have been befriending people on Facebook that my Mother does not approve of.

I have also learned a few new and interesting things about myself during these last few months.

I have through encouragement of a very cool, skilled and multi-talented person, decided to try learn some Hula Hoop skills.

My hair is currently bright pink and dark blue, which I am loving. I will add a picture for you all to see 🙂

I also got my tongue pierced. Which is something I had been wanting to do for a while.

I am rather addicted to Chuppa Chups.

My weight loss is going ok. I am finally under 70kgs. The last time I weighed myself I was 68.9kgs.

I am quite sure that my parents and younger sister thoroughly disapprove of me lately.

My oldest daughter is down at the moment, so that is quite nice.

I am unsure if there was anything else I wanted to add to this post. But I know I am definitely feeling very conflicted.

Thankx for reading and following 😀

So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

Where things are at currently…as at Saturday 27th June 2015

Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that.  Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount.  But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot.  I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him.  There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet.  I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much.  And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose.  I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there.  I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks.  At least I am happy with my hair at present.  Though I prefer it when it’s straightened.  At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook.  That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil.  He’s my friend that committed suicide.  Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well.  And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health.  So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it.  Which is very important to me.  Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her.  As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome.  So I got her one of these necklace’s: http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368.  I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it.  I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it.  Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance.  I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay.  He always replies with don’t be silly.  I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately.  He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time.  Sometimes I feel so angered by it!  Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt.  But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids.  It’s not cool though.  It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported.  I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot.  But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep.  Thanks for reading.  Night.

Recovery….Relapse

Recovery. Is it actually supposed to be possible when you have not had any talking/one to one therapy? Seems like the likes of Community Mental Health must think so. Not sure which planet they are on, but I would tend to think they are pretty damn naive to think so.

I mean, really…how the hell can I have a realistic chance of recovery without any talking/one to one therapy? The issues that led to my ‘major depressive episode’ in August 2013 have never been resolved or worked through. All that has ever happened the way I perceive it is, talking about the fact I had this episode, sought help, went for a stay in the psych ward, had some respite and check in’s every so many weeks with a Community Mental Health Psychiatrist every so often.

Telling my story doesn’t really help that much. I find myself just feeling detached and desensitized while telling my story to whomever. It is much the same feeling when I am talking to anyone about how grief and deaths of loved one’s is effecting me. I guess that could be a coping mechanism.

I know I need to get grief counselling. But I am damn scared about the idea of actually talking about and exploring the feelings and emotions associated with my grief and the events. It’s like I just push away the real raw feelings, as they hurt too damn much.

I am still really not coping well with stress. I am not coping well with the children. As I get stressed out and highly anxious really fast. So if the younger 2 are being whingy I can’t handle it. If my 5 year old and 11 year old push my buttons or ignore me and cause me stress, I can’t cope with that. And having to pick them both up from school by myself most of the time lately is hard for me. Yesterday my 5 year old wouldn’t come when I was trying leave school with her and she kept running away and being difficult. I could see some of the judgy, less compassionate Mum’s watching me, which didn’t help my anxiety or coping abilities. I think I did well to only let out a quiet “for fuck’s sake” as a response to my anxiety and stress.

My nearly 2 year old has been rather whingy in the mornings lately. As, in the 10 minutes while my fiance is taking our 5 year old into school and I am waiting in the car with him(my nearly 2 year old), he just whinges and I find it highly distressing and if I get grumpy and tell him to be quiet, he cries and then I feel like crap for making him upset.

In my mind lately, I am screaming in desperation. And internally I am often freaking the hell out. I am highly irritable and I am hating this. I get worried about how much I can handle and if I might just snap. Yesterday I found myself feeling somewhat numb and somewhat detached. And I hate how fast my mood can change. As I might go visit someone or have someone visit or do something pleasant and I will feel kind of level and then once that is over, I start feeling the effect of my depression, anxiety and grief. Suddenly I go from coping, to really not okay.

I can not handle the idea or thought of my fiance going back to work. And thankfully he has seen this and isn’t seeking work right now.

I find myself feeling really upset and angry when he just disappears downstairs and gets on his computer for hours or even half an hour and I just want to rage at him.

Rage, distress, despair, anxiety, fear, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, stress, are a list of the feelings I experience quite regularly.

My lack of weight loss is depressing me and frustrating me. I am actually being healthy about my diet and food intake. Diet wise, I am doing all the right things. And diet is quite a big factor with weight loss. So it is beyond me why I can not seem to lose any more then 2kgs. It just seems to come off slowly and then creep back on. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or hate my body, but I do hate my body. It grosses me out. I do not like how my body looks. And I am stumped as to why it is so hard to lose weight. And I have had blood tests and been to the GP and nothing is abnormal.

My Family Start worker got in touch with some other mental health providers and advocated strongly for my need for respite. So they called me and said when I am in the distress and not coping to contact them and then I can be assessed. But what is crazy to me is, you can’t access respite even through them, when you are heading downhill fast. It seems they are only willing to help if you are feelings suicidal and heavily distressed. It makes more sense if they could offer that before people get that bad. Craziness!

I got another 2 tattoos. A Pisces one and a panther. Pisces, because I am a Pisces and the panther, because it represents something strong and powerful. Here is a picture of the panther one.

I have been doing the online jigsaws again this week. Which is fine once it’s finished, but I get quite anxious and agitated if I am having quite a hard time finding the right piece’s. I even find that when I am doing the word find on my tablet and I’m having trouble finding some words. Bloody anxiety!

Gah! Even just writing about anxiety makes me anxious.

Supposed to be meeting the wedding photographer tomorrow. So once I have met him and booked him, that is another significant wedding thing organized. I think after that I just need to get the flower girl dresses adjusted, remember to leave money aside for suit hire, pay remaining money on things I have only paid deposits on and closer to September, get my wedding dress zip repaired and any adjustments done. I am pretty sure there are things on that list I am still forgetting.

It seems no matter how simple you try keep things wedding wise, there is still a fair bit of stress. I guess that is because of the finalizing decisions and organizing everything myself nearly and the fact I am paying for everything. I am sure it’ll be a lovely day and really special. Only freaking out a little. I think though, it isn’t surprising it is a bit of a struggle. As I am still dealing with and going through a huge amount of grief.

Right, that will be all my blogging tonight. I will blog again some time. Hopefully soon. Depends whether I have the motivation or anything to write about.

Thankx for reading 🙂

1 More Sleep!!!

It is now the evening of Sunday 29th June. Tomorrow is the big day. Moving day. And my goodness has this week flown.

I really enjoyed having more time with my oldest daughter, the one whom I have to leave behind, due to the CYFS(child, youth & family) bullshit.

I am trying to be strong and not think about how huge this is. As I do not know if I will be able to handle all those overwhelming emotions. And I do not want to start freaking out again and getting into a panic.

Deep down inside I know how much pain and grief I feel about leaving her.

I hate that circumstances lead to this.

I still feel guilt over this and blame myself and feel responsible for it.

My 4 year old had a really hard time saying goodbye to her tonight. That was so hard to watch.

You know what? I was thinking about the name Child, Youth and Family and I question why they even have the word Family in there. As it is more accurate to say, they in essence do take the family out of the equation, more often then not.

You know the main thing I look forward to about moving, is the fact I will be far, far away from the people who were bullying me.

I do not look forward to leaving my best friends behind, or this nice house.

In an ideal world I would be leaving everything bad behind. That being, the bits of my past that lead to me becoming so unwell with my mental health. CYFS and unsupportive family on my oldest daughters Dad’s side.

And in an ideal world I would be taking ALL of my children with me.

I am, honestly, so angry and hurt by how things turned out.

My mood has been pretty crappy this week. I have been feeling really on edge, hyper vigilant, anxious, extremely irritable and overly sensitive.

I kind of don’t want to go to sleep. As then tomorrow will be here. And yes, I am kind of dreading that reality.

But I guess it is a pretty natural response considering. I mean I have been living in Wellington for 10 1/2 years. And this a very big move and a huge change. And I am sure, in time I will feel at home again in Nelson.

On another subject. I am kind of pissed off that my fiancé did his usual discrete sneak off to the computer room. And where do I find him and his computer desk? While mine, may I add is all packed away. He has bloody centred his computer and desk in the middle of the room and is playing his friggen game all nice and comfy! I ask him why he isn’t dismantling the bed, like he was supposed to be doing, his response, “I’m just having my hot drink” and I was like “um, bullshit! You are playing your bloody game! Not just having your hot drink!”

It is just not a good time at present to be pissing me off.

As I am quite stressed. And I have been feeling like he has been either on my case about anything and everything. Or just criticising me. And that does not sit well with me.

I can not remember if I have posted about the latest CYFS FGC(family group conference) review and the outcome. But if I have not. I will do so in the next week.

Frustration

Things that I am currently frustrated about are, the fact my fiance’s default setting seems to be going on his computer, whether that be just being on his computer or gaming online. It frustrates me how much time he devotes to it and how high on his priorities it is.

Yes it might be he default coping mechanism. But it is certainly not a healthy coping mechanism. I know it’s a coping mechanism for the following reasons. He gets stressed, he goes on the computer, he gets anxious, he goes on the computer, he’s angry, he goes on the computer, he’s anti-social, he goes on the computer and he’s been this way for years.

I find it extremely hard to deal with this and also the fact he doesn’t express his emotions. It annoys me to no end, that he’ll put the baby to bed and his first priority is to get straight back on the computer.

I feel he isn’t as involved as a parent and father due to this. And I feel he takes his frustrations out on the kids. As if he’s tired, he’ll get grumpy at the baby and this tiredness is due to how late he stays up on his computer. I feel he gets intolerant of our toddler because of his computer addiction.

I often feel increasingly frustrated and unsupported due to this behaviour and definitely contemplate at times leaving him.

Another thing that is frustrating me at the moment is his parents and their excuses and immaturity. As I found out yesterday, from the Open Home Foundation lady who works with us, that they are pretty much sulking about us moving to Nelson at some point and that is why they have gone back on their offers of support at the FGC(family group conference) in mid-December. Their attitude and excuse is, why bother increasing our involvement with the grand kids and building a relationship there if they’re going to be leaving Wellington at some point.

That seems very petty and immature in my opinion. And not what being a parent is about.

I have simply decided recently, that I will no longer expect anything from them as his parents or from the rest of my fiance’s family. As if you have no expectations, then you can’t be letdown or disappointed or upset or effected by the lack of action or involvement.

That’s all I have to say about that.

2013 and 2014

I’m not sure which year has been the worst for me so far. As last year definitely had some horrible times. But this year, life has thrown some pretty unpleasant stuff my way.

Especially in the money area. I worry about how we will afford groceries and/or petrol each week. I’m sensible when I do buy groceries and save money in whatever ways I can. But there’s unfortunately no way around the cost of babies formula, as it is one of the more expensive things. On special it’s just under $17 and usual price is between $21-$23 depending where you go.

Still, I am being left with too much expectations and not enough support. As things that either require my fiance’s input or things he should really be doing, are being left to me. And whenever I mention this, he doesn’t respond or help more. Like things such a looking into how many hours childcare we need for our baby, once my fiance goes back to work. How my fiance will get to work and back. And what position that leaves us in financially. As well as, how many hours my fiance needs to go back for.

With my moods being how they are, this makes things even harder for me. As my moods get very bipolar(I’m not bipolar, but that’s the best way to describe them). Like, Monday, I felt ok for half the day and the other half, I felt quite the opposite. It all gets too much. And I feel like I want to scream. And I feel like I want to call some kind of mental health support to talk things out and vent, but I have lost faith in CMH(community mental health), my case manager and the mental health crisis line. They do not get concerned about concerning thoughts I have and they don’t seem to do anything for me.

If I told my fiance how I feel about him sometimes, he would not like what I have to say. Which is, that a lot of the time I just want to leave him and the baby and just live with my daughters.

It’s no surprise that I am SO over his gaming. He places too much time and energy into it.

It’s no surprise I’m not happy with his family, especially his parents. I mentioned to his sister that I wasn’t very happy about the fact her parents hadn’t taken either of the kids for about 3 weeks and she said “oh, but Mum’s been really tired”. To which I replied “that might be the case, but she could have at least text us and let us know if they couldn’t take the kids”. And reminded her, that the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review is in just over a month.

I feel like yelling at them and saying “how are you going to explain your lack of support at the FGC?! As CYFS don’t excuse petty excuses. And if it was said that you would support us by helping with the kids, that means exactly that. And CYFS will want to know why, after us moving here for better support, why it’s dropped off so quickly” and also “do you forget how much I am struggling with my mental health and how vital this support is? Or are you simply too selfish to care?!”

Seriously, my family are an awesome example of unconditional love and support and selflessness. I am proud to have them as my family and that is why I am really looking forward to moving back to Nelson. As I miss them SO much.

I don’t know why my fiance is being the way he is lately. And whenever I talk to him about it, he just tries to distract from the subject.

I felt something really unpleasant the other day. When I was filling out a form, I had to write about my daughters(the nearly 4 year old) siblings and I felt weird writing that she has a brother. Like, an unpleasant feeling, acknowledging him. This I know is not a normal way to feel. But I recognized the feeling at least, even if it wasn’t pleasant. This highlights to me, even more, the need for therapy. As clearly if I am feeling things like that, there are some major issues that need addressing.

I’m trying not to think too much about the FGC review next month. As I have enough stressing me and I probably shouldn’t be using my time to worry and stress about that. As I don’t want to get worked up and distressed like I did when the original FGC was coming up.

I’ve been feeling quite jumpy again lately. Paranoid about sounds, thinking it’s an earthquake. Becoming very easily startled. And I keep feeling like the ground is moving under me. Not liking this. And my crazy cat, decided to suddenly bolt at full speed through the house last night and the sound of her doing that, made me jump, my heart go nuts and made me think the sound was a big earthquake coming. Damn hyper vigilance and catastrophizing!

Right, better go find something to do. Thanks for reading.

It’s me again

I’ve been wanting to post since the last time I posted, but haven’t found the time. And I’ve had a lot on my mind to post about. But with my ill mental health, the short term memory has been going bye bye again. Which is so frustrating! As I know I had something important and significant I wanted to post about earlier this week, but it has since left my mind. And I know as much as it was really important and significant, but I can not remember what it was. Grr!

So the visit from the Cyfs (child, youth & family) social worker wasn’t too bad.

My CMH(community mental health) case manager however, was a real let down. He arrived late, as usual and because my mood was okish when he visited, he didn’t bother discussing anything about the past week, that he said he’d talk with me about when he visited. He didn’t appear to care about my phone calls to the mental health crisis line or my unstable, very concerning moods and unhealthy feelings and thoughts. He pretty much just talked about the transfer to the Hutt Valley CMH(community mental health) and left after only 15 minute’s.

I am really disappointed with my fiancés family. They have not given us any more support, even with them knowing how bad my mental health is. And they haven’t looked after the kids on the weekends last week or are planning to this week. So I am really angry and upset with them. As it seems to me like they only offered support as of the day of the family group conference, as a way to keep us in Wellington and to make themselves look good.

I feel really unsupported here in Wellington. I feel like, what the hell was the point of moving to Wainuiomata. As it was supposed to be for the extra support from my fiancés family and so we’d be closer to them to make it easier on us and for us to get the support we need.

It is so damn hard for me not having my family in the same city as me. As I need them and they genuinely care and are truly there for us. They are selfless, instead of selfish, like my fiancés family.

My mental health has been really bad since I posted last. I have wanted to self-harm every day and have been self-harming quite often. I have felt rage and anger way more often. I have wanted to runaway so desperately. My moods are so unstable. I feel trapped, lost and unsupported. I am really depressed and unhappy.

Yesterday has to have been one of the worst day’s yet. As I wanted to slap my toddler and had to tell my fiancé to take her to another room, so I didn’t act on that desire. I even had to lock myself outside to keep myself and her safe and get away from the stress and distress she was causing me.

Things have been really tense at home lately. My fiancé has been more stressed and I feel, he has been quite anti our daughter and rejecting her a lot. Getting angry and moody at her and treating her like an inconvenience. And being intolerant with our baby at times.

I have been really moody and anti my fiancé lately and snapping at him a lot.

It’s just been this vicious circle of moods, anger, tense and high emotions. It’s been horrible!

Last night, I can’t remember what exactly provoked this, but my fiancé said that I haven’t looked after our son at all in the past nearly 6 month’s. Which is so not true! As I looked after him the whole time my fiancé was at work and every day, except when I was in hospital and at respite and up until my mental health got really bad at the end of October.

That was extremely hurtful him saying that and I felt so hurt and disrespected.

I reacted by packing a bag for my daughter and I and sneaking out of the house when I knew my fiancé was on the computer with headphones on, so I knew he couldn’t hear me packing or leaving.

I didn’t care about the consequences. I felt rejected and disrespected and extremely hurt. As well as feeling my fiancé was rejecting and anti our daughter. So I did what is my default coping mechanism and tried to runaway from my problems.

I took all the money out of our account and also out of my fiancés account, which was what was left of his birthday and xmas money and paid for a ticket for the ferry, for our daughter, the car and myself and for petrol. As I intended to go to Nelson.

I turned my phone off so my fiancé couldn’t get hold of me and only turned it on to check an email regarding the ferry. And when I turned it on I had several missed calls from him and each time he tried to call, I’d disconnect the call.

So I was sitting in the car, our daughter asleep in the car, waiting for the ferry check in. Eventually after some text’s back and forth and my fiancé threatening to report the car as stolen. I agreed to come home. As he said he’d talk with me about everything. During all this time and the majority of the drive home, I was bawling my eye’s out.

So we did some talking once I got home. And I expressed that this just goes to show how bad my mental health is and how desperately in need of therapy I am.

My fiancé only realized this afternoon that I had taken not only our money, but his money as well and he got really angry.

I said “yeah well why did you think I was so resistant about coming home?” As I knew how bad what I’d done was.

I find it incredibly frustrating, how my fiancé goes from being on the same page as me regarding his family and being all anti me and suggesting I’m the one with the problem and I’m being paranoid.

I mean, make up your mind already and be consistent! You are either supporting me and on my side, or you’re not! Stopping bloody flipping between the 2!

Regarding where we are living. I keep feeling this feeling of unease and very up in the air.

I feel like my intuition is telling me something. As if it knows my fiancés family were going to do this and that this plan formulated at the family group conference, would not last that long and that it would very fast fall apart. And that a lot of my panic and anxiety about moving was also telling me of things to come.

I am really looking forward to moving to Nelson when the time comes. And am really looking forward to being closer to my family.

Well I’d better get some sleep. Might post some more tomorrow.