Tag Archive: rage


My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

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Recovery. Is it actually supposed to be possible when you have not had any talking/one to one therapy? Seems like the likes of Community Mental Health must think so. Not sure which planet they are on, but I would tend to think they are pretty damn naive to think so.

I mean, really…how the hell can I have a realistic chance of recovery without any talking/one to one therapy? The issues that led to my ‘major depressive episode’ in August 2013 have never been resolved or worked through. All that has ever happened the way I perceive it is, talking about the fact I had this episode, sought help, went for a stay in the psych ward, had some respite and check in’s every so many weeks with a Community Mental Health Psychiatrist every so often.

Telling my story doesn’t really help that much. I find myself just feeling detached and desensitized while telling my story to whomever. It is much the same feeling when I am talking to anyone about how grief and deaths of loved one’s is effecting me. I guess that could be a coping mechanism.

I know I need to get grief counselling. But I am damn scared about the idea of actually talking about and exploring the feelings and emotions associated with my grief and the events. It’s like I just push away the real raw feelings, as they hurt too damn much.

I am still really not coping well with stress. I am not coping well with the children. As I get stressed out and highly anxious really fast. So if the younger 2 are being whingy I can’t handle it. If my 5 year old and 11 year old push my buttons or ignore me and cause me stress, I can’t cope with that. And having to pick them both up from school by myself most of the time lately is hard for me. Yesterday my 5 year old wouldn’t come when I was trying leave school with her and she kept running away and being difficult. I could see some of the judgy, less compassionate Mum’s watching me, which didn’t help my anxiety or coping abilities. I think I did well to only let out a quiet “for fuck’s sake” as a response to my anxiety and stress.

My nearly 2 year old has been rather whingy in the mornings lately. As, in the 10 minutes while my fiance is taking our 5 year old into school and I am waiting in the car with him(my nearly 2 year old), he just whinges and I find it highly distressing and if I get grumpy and tell him to be quiet, he cries and then I feel like crap for making him upset.

In my mind lately, I am screaming in desperation. And internally I am often freaking the hell out. I am highly irritable and I am hating this. I get worried about how much I can handle and if I might just snap. Yesterday I found myself feeling somewhat numb and somewhat detached. And I hate how fast my mood can change. As I might go visit someone or have someone visit or do something pleasant and I will feel kind of level and then once that is over, I start feeling the effect of my depression, anxiety and grief. Suddenly I go from coping, to really not okay.

I can not handle the idea or thought of my fiance going back to work. And thankfully he has seen this and isn’t seeking work right now.

I find myself feeling really upset and angry when he just disappears downstairs and gets on his computer for hours or even half an hour and I just want to rage at him.

Rage, distress, despair, anxiety, fear, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, stress, are a list of the feelings I experience quite regularly.

My lack of weight loss is depressing me and frustrating me. I am actually being healthy about my diet and food intake. Diet wise, I am doing all the right things. And diet is quite a big factor with weight loss. So it is beyond me why I can not seem to lose any more then 2kgs. It just seems to come off slowly and then creep back on. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or hate my body, but I do hate my body. It grosses me out. I do not like how my body looks. And I am stumped as to why it is so hard to lose weight. And I have had blood tests and been to the GP and nothing is abnormal.

My Family Start worker got in touch with some other mental health providers and advocated strongly for my need for respite. So they called me and said when I am in the distress and not coping to contact them and then I can be assessed. But what is crazy to me is, you can’t access respite even through them, when you are heading downhill fast. It seems they are only willing to help if you are feelings suicidal and heavily distressed. It makes more sense if they could offer that before people get that bad. Craziness!

I got another 2 tattoos. A Pisces one and a panther. Pisces, because I am a Pisces and the panther, because it represents something strong and powerful. Here is a picture of the panther one.

Facebook-20150605-085020

I have been doing the online jigsaws again this week. Which is fine once it’s finished, but I get quite anxious and agitated if I am having quite a hard time finding the right piece’s. I even find that when I am doing the word find on my tablet and I’m having trouble finding some words. Bloody anxiety!

Gah! Even just writing about anxiety makes me anxious.

Supposed to be meeting the wedding photographer tomorrow. So once I have met him and booked him, that is another significant wedding thing organized. I think after that I just need to get the flower girl dresses adjusted, remember to leave money aside for suit hire, pay remaining money on things I have only paid deposits on and closer to September, get my wedding dress zip repaired and any adjustments done. I am pretty sure there are things on that list I am still forgetting.

It seems no matter how simple you try keep things wedding wise, there is still a fair bit of stress. I guess that is because of the finalizing decisions and organizing everything myself nearly and the fact I am paying for everything. I am sure it’ll be a lovely day and really special. Only freaking out a little. I think though, it isn’t surprising it is a bit of a struggle. As I am still dealing with and going through a huge amount of grief.

Right, that will be all my blogging tonight. I will blog again some time. Hopefully soon. Depends whether I have the motivation or anything to write about.

Thankx for reading 🙂

Like my title says, I am not lacking things to write about. But I have been lacking motivation in general for weeks. Thus why, despite having so much on my mind and so many emotions, I have not written much for a while.

On Wednesday I had a sudden downward spiral with my mood and depression.

It started with something quite small. On the way home from picking the kid’s up from school my fiance mentioned that we needed to get groceries. That provoked a sudden feeling of panic and anxiety. All I wanted to do was get home and find any excuse not to leave the house again. When at home, I went to the bathroom and then suddenly I started bawling my eyes out and experiencing high anxiety and a feeling of panic. While I was in the bathroom I could hear my son having a little whinge and I found that highly distressing. Later I went on the laptop, but barely had motivation to do anything. I typed into Google “high anxiety and persistent feeling of hopelessness”. The result of the search suggested Major Depression.

I have been feeling fatigued for weeks and tired all the time. I thought maybe it might be my thyroid levels or something. So I went to the GP and she sent me for a blood test, but everything came back normal. So, no medical explanation for the fatigue. And I have been getting enough sleep and eating healthy. So, no answers there either.

It’s fair to say I have been struggling for weeks. And it has been quite persistent since my close friend committed suicide in late March.

My GP can see I am struggling, as can my relationship counselor. My GP referred me back to CMH(Community Mental Health) My GP can see I need a break. And it was really hard for me to reach out and be totally honest and ask for help.

So I finally got seen by the Psychiatrist at CMH last week. I told him of my desire to self-harm, my suicidal feelings, over using my medication 2 times in a week, my anxiety, my moods, my diminished ability to cope and my often out of character behavior. He responded by saying I need to get on with my life and deal with it and at no point will they offer me any respite. That made me feel really upset, anxious and angry.

Some examples of my unstable moods are, me snapping and swearing at my oldest daughter, which is something I just don’t do. Being left in the house, while my fiance was only outside for maybe 5 minutes and suddenly having a freak out and bawling my eyes out and feeling the sense of despair and distress I had felt back in August 2013 some time. And that was very scary for me re-experiencing those feelings. I keep getting distressed and irritable over so many little things. It is quite concerning to me. I went nuts at my fiance on Wednesday for assembling a box I wanted to assemble and had kept telling him to leave alone. I got really angry and threw 2 small items at him.

On Wednesday night I was just a complete mess. Wanting a break, needing a break and knowing CMH will not give me that. It makes me feel very scared. And when we went in the car to go to the supermarket that night I nearly started bawling again.

I certainly know I am in desperate need of grief counselling. I have such a swinging and somewhat unpredictable range of emotions. It tends to go between, anger, rage, irritability, distress, despair, feelings of hopelessness, nearly total lack of motivation and a general lack of enjoyment in most things. Any good mood will barely last a day. It might if I am lucky stretch out to 4-5 hours.

No-one has visited for weeks. I feel like my friend who died(committed suicide), was my only extremely close friend in Nelson. And he was someone who was a true friend and truly and genuinely cared about me as a friend. He would put in the effort to visit me or spend time with me as much as he could. I am so lost without him in my life.

I do have other close friend’s but they live in Wellington.

I have a few tattoos now. 6 in total. 5 of them have significant meaning to me. One however I have just because of the beauty of it. Which is this one.

Pegasus

My other one’s are the ‘Parker’ tattoo which will be in one of my past blog posts. The gem tattoo in honor of my friend who committed suicide, which has his birthstone color Aquamarine(March) in the gem and his name, which is on the upper outside of my left arm . I have a set of tattoos on my lower arm on the inside with each of my children’s name and a gem each with their birthstone color inside. I have the Pegasus, as pictured. I also have the 2 Pisces fish on the middle of my upper back, just under my neck. And on my inner, lower right arm I have a Panther. The good thing about the placement of my tattoos with my children’s names and birthstones, is it motivates me not to self-harm, as I don’t want to ruin the tattoos.

Yes, my title does have undertones of sarcasm in it, if you were wondering.

So it has been 9 days since my last significant post. Apart from the one earlier today about Postpartum Anxiety.

A few things have been happening since 9 days ago. The Gateway Assessment for my 2 younger kids was mostly ok. Though they 2 people doing the assessment did mention that they felt my 4 year old may be delayed. Not significantly, but still, she is not where she is expected to be in certain areas. They would like to do a baseline assessment on her. Which is around hearing and eye sight.

Last weekend, my fiance tried to make me feel stupid at the supermarket, due to something that was actually not my fault, it was the checkout operators mistake. And my 4 year old was being difficult, as while I’d been out that day, my fiance had let her play on the PS3(playstation 3) the whole time. And once we all got out of the house, she was all hypo and misbehaving. We were trying to leave the mall, but she wouldn’t get off the electronic rides there. My fiance decided to walk off and be of no help, leaving me there to deal with her. And due to the fact I have been experiencing a lot of stresses in my life lately and I was experiencing PMS, I could only handle so much stress, before I ended up just sitting on a seat having a quiet cry. This made me feel really unsupported, him leaving me there to deal with my 4 year old. And then my insensitive and overreacting fiance said “well you’re clearly not coping if you have a breakdown at the mall”. Hmm, I would hardly call having a little cry, because I felt stressed and unsupported, not coping. I would call that, being hormonal, having a lot of stresses in life and having emotions. I mean I had dealt pretty well with it all I felt. As, after my fiance embarrassed me at the supermarket and was being a bit of a dick to me, I did feel like kicking a few things out of frustration. But decided that wouldn’t be a good idea, as it would draw negative attention to me, would scare my child and might result in getting in trouble with the mall security. Not to mention, it’s kind of acting like a child and having a public tantrum.

Then as we were driving home, I said to my fiance, that I felt it was his fault that she was behaving that way and said to him, has he not learned from this whole situation of having involvement with CYFS(child, youth & family). As we are supposed to take on-board their observations and concerns and change our behaviour and parenting as a result. As that is something I have whole heartedly done. I have taken away exactly what I was supposed to from this experience and become a better and more involved parent as a result. And he responded by yelling at me and saying “I’m the only one here supporting you! And you repay me by insulting me!” and then punched the dashboard a few times. Which I, with having violent relationships in the past, felt very intimidated and scared by.

Eventually once he calmed down he talked to me. And he told me something interesting about his parents and why they appear to not like me so much. He said it’s because I am opinionated, confident and intelligent and they prefer people who are push overs, who they can control and who don’t challenge their ideas. As they think they know it all and are always right.

Regarding our intention to move to Nelson at some point. I do get annoyed with the fact that his parents always talk like they expect we will leave here long term. Which is not the reality. But my fiance doesn’t do much to tell them otherwise. And I find many people involved with us, think it’s all my idea, not a joint decision. When in fact it is a joint decision. But my fiance doesn’t tend to speak up much, which doesn’t help.

The latest stress I have had is receiving several letters from IRD(inland revenue department) saying I am expected to pay child support for my oldest daughter and they have already given me a bill for this month and are expecting me to pay $73 a month. Which I found a real slap in the face. As my oldest daughter not living with me is a temporary thing, not a permanent thing and I already feel punished enough in so many other ways, for becoming so unwell with my mental health last August. And, not to mention the fact I have brought her up for the past 10 years and we are struggling so much financially, that it is impossible to contribute anything. I feel they should be seeking child support from her father. As he doesn’t have my expenses and 2 young kids at home. And neither my fiance or myself are working. So I have sent a Notice of objection to the IRD regarding that.

I am also finding it hard, that she spends more of her weekends with her Dad’s parents or her Dad, then she does with me. As I am supposed to see her weekly and that is not often happening. And it has a bigger effect on my family, not seeing her very often. Especially with regards to her younger sister.

So, we managed to have sorted things a little to improve our financial situation. I have finally convinced my fiance to change internet and phone provider. Though it took our phone being disconnected for him to agree. And we now have a debt of nearly $500 to Telecom. We found out the company who my fiance has the loan with, has a clause for financial hardship, so we applied for that help and were approved mid this week. So that means no payments needed for a couple of months.

We went to WINZ(work and income) to apply for help with the Telecom bill, but they will only pay the phone portion of it and we applied for assistance for buying a car seat and they declined that too.

The frustrating thing is, it all gets left up to me organizing the majority of this stuff. And relationships involve 2 people, so I get annoyed at how much of this is put on me.

The FGC(family group conference) review is in a few days. On Monday 31st March. So the CYFS social worker came over yesterday afternoon to discuss the upcoming review with us. I think she got a bit of a shock from all that I had to say. And was stuck at times for an appropriate answer to my many questions. I made her explain all their concerns and expressed that I felt frustrated that so little of the focus is on how I can get back to having more of the day to day care of my children and how the younger 2 being in childcare makes it extremely difficult to prove my capabilities and the lack of visits to observe me with my child, by them, makes it hard for them to see how I have improved and how capable I am. Eventually she softened her approach and agreed that I can have more opportunities to be with my younger 2 unsupervised. I also brought up, that it doesn’t help, me not being able to actually do things with my baby by myself and that we as Mother and Son, miss out on a lot of opportunities due to these restrictions put on me by CYFS. I also talked to her about how I felt the original FGC did not go by the exact protocol that it is supposed to and that I am quite sure there were some breaches of how FGC’s are supposed to be run, on that occasion. She had some trouble explaining her way out of that one. My approach and attitude and confidence has changed a lot from the original FGC, which likely came as a shock to her. As when the original FGC happened, I was still struggling and felt quite defeated and wasn’t as prepared as I would like to have been. Plus, I do agree, it was the right decision at that time the plan that was formulated. I just felt quite disrespected in the fact that CYFS still seemed to view me as too mentally unwell, even after the fact and all my improvements. And it really sucks how hard it is to get your role back due to all of this process. I said to her, it is actually a trauma in itself, my role been taken so significantly and that it has not helped the bonding process with my baby, how much of my role was taken away. I felt, I could have had started developing my bond with him sooner, if part of the original FGC plan, had something in there to support this and some tasks for me that helped me regain my bond with him. Rather then the only task being “get therapy when offered”.

I had week 5, or the 6 weeks of DBT Resiliency ‘Distress Tolerance’ course, this Wednesday. Next week will be the last one. I shared some pretty personal stuff about what I go through when I am quite distressed, which wasn’t easy, but at least I was real about it and myself. I talked about a distressing situation and having feelings of rage and wanting to self-harm. As the subject for the homework was to give examples of pro’s and con’s to either not tolerating or tolerating distress in a situation. So my view was, not tolerating the distress, would have meant the consequences could have been, me self-harming and therefore having a scar to remind me, acting on the feelings of rage, would have meant, potentially getting in trouble with the law, drawing negative attention to myself, scaring my children and those are definite con’s. And there are of course no pro’s to not tolerating distress, nor are there any con’s to tolerating distress. The pro’s of tolerating distress were, not harming myself, therefore not having a scar to remind me, not scaring my children or getting in trouble with the law. The last week is on ‘Radical Acceptance’. Which I already practice. All these tools are drawn from DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy).

The quetiapine has been helping with sleep, so that’s good.

I’m pretty sure that all I wanted to post about today. Thanks for reading.

I’ve been wanting to post since the last time I posted, but haven’t found the time. And I’ve had a lot on my mind to post about. But with my ill mental health, the short term memory has been going bye bye again. Which is so frustrating! As I know I had something important and significant I wanted to post about earlier this week, but it has since left my mind. And I know as much as it was really important and significant, but I can not remember what it was. Grr!

So the visit from the Cyfs (child, youth & family) social worker wasn’t too bad.

My CMH(community mental health) case manager however, was a real let down. He arrived late, as usual and because my mood was okish when he visited, he didn’t bother discussing anything about the past week, that he said he’d talk with me about when he visited. He didn’t appear to care about my phone calls to the mental health crisis line or my unstable, very concerning moods and unhealthy feelings and thoughts. He pretty much just talked about the transfer to the Hutt Valley CMH(community mental health) and left after only 15 minute’s.

I am really disappointed with my fiancés family. They have not given us any more support, even with them knowing how bad my mental health is. And they haven’t looked after the kids on the weekends last week or are planning to this week. So I am really angry and upset with them. As it seems to me like they only offered support as of the day of the family group conference, as a way to keep us in Wellington and to make themselves look good.

I feel really unsupported here in Wellington. I feel like, what the hell was the point of moving to Wainuiomata. As it was supposed to be for the extra support from my fiancés family and so we’d be closer to them to make it easier on us and for us to get the support we need.

It is so damn hard for me not having my family in the same city as me. As I need them and they genuinely care and are truly there for us. They are selfless, instead of selfish, like my fiancés family.

My mental health has been really bad since I posted last. I have wanted to self-harm every day and have been self-harming quite often. I have felt rage and anger way more often. I have wanted to runaway so desperately. My moods are so unstable. I feel trapped, lost and unsupported. I am really depressed and unhappy.

Yesterday has to have been one of the worst day’s yet. As I wanted to slap my toddler and had to tell my fiancé to take her to another room, so I didn’t act on that desire. I even had to lock myself outside to keep myself and her safe and get away from the stress and distress she was causing me.

Things have been really tense at home lately. My fiancé has been more stressed and I feel, he has been quite anti our daughter and rejecting her a lot. Getting angry and moody at her and treating her like an inconvenience. And being intolerant with our baby at times.

I have been really moody and anti my fiancé lately and snapping at him a lot.

It’s just been this vicious circle of moods, anger, tense and high emotions. It’s been horrible!

Last night, I can’t remember what exactly provoked this, but my fiancé said that I haven’t looked after our son at all in the past nearly 6 month’s. Which is so not true! As I looked after him the whole time my fiancé was at work and every day, except when I was in hospital and at respite and up until my mental health got really bad at the end of October.

That was extremely hurtful him saying that and I felt so hurt and disrespected.

I reacted by packing a bag for my daughter and I and sneaking out of the house when I knew my fiancé was on the computer with headphones on, so I knew he couldn’t hear me packing or leaving.

I didn’t care about the consequences. I felt rejected and disrespected and extremely hurt. As well as feeling my fiancé was rejecting and anti our daughter. So I did what is my default coping mechanism and tried to runaway from my problems.

I took all the money out of our account and also out of my fiancés account, which was what was left of his birthday and xmas money and paid for a ticket for the ferry, for our daughter, the car and myself and for petrol. As I intended to go to Nelson.

I turned my phone off so my fiancé couldn’t get hold of me and only turned it on to check an email regarding the ferry. And when I turned it on I had several missed calls from him and each time he tried to call, I’d disconnect the call.

So I was sitting in the car, our daughter asleep in the car, waiting for the ferry check in. Eventually after some text’s back and forth and my fiancé threatening to report the car as stolen. I agreed to come home. As he said he’d talk with me about everything. During all this time and the majority of the drive home, I was bawling my eye’s out.

So we did some talking once I got home. And I expressed that this just goes to show how bad my mental health is and how desperately in need of therapy I am.

My fiancé only realized this afternoon that I had taken not only our money, but his money as well and he got really angry.

I said “yeah well why did you think I was so resistant about coming home?” As I knew how bad what I’d done was.

I find it incredibly frustrating, how my fiancé goes from being on the same page as me regarding his family and being all anti me and suggesting I’m the one with the problem and I’m being paranoid.

I mean, make up your mind already and be consistent! You are either supporting me and on my side, or you’re not! Stopping bloody flipping between the 2!

Regarding where we are living. I keep feeling this feeling of unease and very up in the air.

I feel like my intuition is telling me something. As if it knows my fiancés family were going to do this and that this plan formulated at the family group conference, would not last that long and that it would very fast fall apart. And that a lot of my panic and anxiety about moving was also telling me of things to come.

I am really looking forward to moving to Nelson when the time comes. And am really looking forward to being closer to my family.

Well I’d better get some sleep. Might post some more tomorrow.

I have now moved to the new house.

I’ve been still having a very hard time with my mental health. I honestly don’t know where to turn.

I talk to the mental health crisis team, they tell me to get a good nights sleep. Sleep is not the problem! I get enough sleep.

I tell my fiancé how I feel like none of his family genuinely care how I’m doing. He tells me to give them a chance by telling them how I’m feeling. I do this and get no response.

I told him how I have honestly been feeling and his response is “what the fuck Kelly?!” And then he changes the subject and it feels like he doesn’t really care either.

I feel like he is being very selfish and unsupportive still. Leaving the majority of unpacking for me. And one day last week he slept til just after lunch. Leaving me alone with both kids. And it just seems like he prioritizes his wants over my needs.

Honestly how I have been feeling is, rage, wanting to throw a fly spray can at his head just because he asked me to spray a fly and I was in a mood. The other day I felt like driving the car into a lamppost, with him and the 2 younger kids in the car. I’ve felt like harming myself more severely then before. Angry at my toddler over stupid little things. Distressed by my baby. Like running away and like leaving my fiancé and just being with my 2 girls. I’m really forgetful and distracted and have come very close to crashing into traffic islands, barriers or curbs.

We were at mall on the weekend and my fiancé left me with a grumpy, hungry baby, by myself for nearly 1/2 an hour. Then at Farmer’s my toddler ran off twice and I thought I’d lost her and he did nothing, though he knew I was looking for PJs for her and not able to watch her. And I was SO close to losing it and screaming and smashing up things. Thankfully I didn’t. Then he blames it on me for going into Farmers!

I’ve been feeling hyper vigilant and catastropizing. Feeling like, when my daughter is with his family and not wanting to leave me, like she’ll escape and get out on the road and run over.

Due to her resistance to going in my fiancés brother or sisters car or being left at her grandparents (on his side), I end up highly distressed. The other day I’d had enough of the struggle and just dropped her bag and said “I’ve had enough, I can’t deal with this any more” and went and sat in our car, leaving my fiancé to deal with it. Though honestly, I felt like actually just walking off completely, leaving him stranded.

And I’ve been feeling depressed again. As if I weren’t on any antidepressants.

I’ve told my mental health case manager all of this and his reaction is just, maybe this is the way you will always be and maybe try some distress tolerance and CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques. To which I respond “how am I supposed to use these techniques if I have not had any form of therapy for over a year? Therefore, I am not equipped with these tools and techniques.”

I feel like the only people concerned with my mental health are my mother and myself.

And now, my fiancé is suggesting that he may be heading towards a breakdown mentally. And telling me it’s my fault for any emotions he does feel and that I intentionally provoke his emotions. Which is not true at all.

I have explained to him that our parents model relationships to us and if we have not had a healthy model of a relationship modelled by our parents, that is half the problem in not knowing how to deal appropriately and communicate effectively in relationships ourselves. And that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. As it’s not his fault his parents did not show him what a healthy relationship and healthy communication looks like.

I know what both healthy and unhealthy relationships and communication look like. And I have done years of therapy and worked on my personal development, self esteem, confidence and many other issues in my 34 years. So I do know a fair bit about relationships and communication. And also I have had a few relationships and my fiancé has not. This is his first and only relationship.

So today he has opened up a lot to me, which is really good. But now I have the burden of his fears and such on my shoulders as well. Which I feel at this time I am ill equipped to deal with, due to my mental health still being pretty bad.

I have been feeling yet again, highly distressed by my baby when he is upset and easily annoyed at my toddler. Whom I love SO much, but still, this does not stop me from getting to these points of not coping.

Today I have spent a good hour or so in my room avoiding everything. I have felt unmotivated and depressed and not wanted to leave the house. I have self-harmed, but not badly. And I have felt like just walking off. It’s all so stressful at the moment.

My fiancé’s family have let us down at points. Such as his sister saying she would have the baby tonight and her not following through on this and his mother the other week backtracking on looking after our toddler as arranged.

The social worker from Cyfs(child youth and family) is coming over tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

I feel like I’m self-sabotaging any weight loss. As I seem to lose weight and then screw up things by intentionally eating junk food.

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for now. Thank you for reading 🙂

So it’s been a while since I wrote in here last.

Well a few weeks back I kind of lost the plot. I was sleep deprived and it came to 1pm, after being awake since just after 3am and I could no longer cope. It started with tears streaming down my face and turned into feeling really angry and enraged. Provoked by baby refusing to stay asleep, as he was really tired and my toddler just doing little things that made me angry. I started acting strange and was trying to pull my hair out, which thankfully I didn’t succeed at and then smacking myself on the forehead with my palm, over and over. I then text my fiancé and asked him to come home. And while waiting for him to get home I got a phone call from a paediatrician and she could tell I was upset so she asked me what was up, so I told her and she urged me to call the Mental Health Crisis line asap. Which I did. And as a result another cyfs referral was made, due to me clearly not coping and I had a visit from some people from Community Mental Health the next day and they called me later and asked me if some home help 9-5 during the week would help and I said yes. So the started on Friday a few weeks ago. Not sure if I mentioned before, but I also have home help from a different agency for 2 hrs, 3 days a week. Though that wasn’t enough for me, as I was really not coping at home with my baby and toddler. So I’ve have a support worker here last week and this week. Different person last week from this week. But really lovely women both of them.

Antidepressant still hasn’t taken effect and it’s been upped 3 times. At the last review where I saw Psychiatrist, I voiced that I felt this one isn’t working, so they just upped it and said they’d review in a few weeks. Which isn’t til next Wednesday. I’d rather them take me off this one and put me back on Venlafaxine(effexor), as that has worked in the past. And I am so over feeling like this.

Don’t much like my case manager, he’s all about strategies and not really listening to my wants and needs I feel. He wants to ease off with the home help and I expressed to him that I’m not ready for that and that makes me feel anxious about next week. But he’s not backing down.

Had a bit of a panic attack on the way to pick up my fiancé, as he wanted to go to the mall. Went to the mall, felt anxious, but I survived.

Had a meeting with cyfs last week and they agreed I need more support at home. Got a bit emotional after answering all their questions and was crying by the end of meeting.

Talking to support worker yesterday, she suggested maybe I could do a job like that one day. As who better to understand and support, then those who have been through it.