Tag Archive: hyper vigilance


I recently came across this link on the PND(postnatal depression) facebook group I am on. And upon reading it, was amazed it how it so perfectly describes a lot of the feeling I experience. And I was also surprised to read, it is more common then PND, yet less recognized. And it effects you on a whole different level I feel, from PND.

Here is the link: http://www.parents.com/parenting/moms/healthy-mom/the-other-postpartum-problem-anxiety/

It has such a huge effect on so many parts of your life. I was shocked that I only just heard about this now and that the condition hasn’t had much press at all. As it clearly needs to be out there and women and others need to be made aware of it I feel. Then those of us who suffer from it can get the appropriate help and support we need.

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I’m not sure which year has been the worst for me so far. As last year definitely had some horrible times. But this year, life has thrown some pretty unpleasant stuff my way.

Especially in the money area. I worry about how we will afford groceries and/or petrol each week. I’m sensible when I do buy groceries and save money in whatever ways I can. But there’s unfortunately no way around the cost of babies formula, as it is one of the more expensive things. On special it’s just under $17 and usual price is between $21-$23 depending where you go.

Still, I am being left with too much expectations and not enough support. As things that either require my fiance’s input or things he should really be doing, are being left to me. And whenever I mention this, he doesn’t respond or help more. Like things such a looking into how many hours childcare we need for our baby, once my fiance goes back to work. How my fiance will get to work and back. And what position that leaves us in financially. As well as, how many hours my fiance needs to go back for.

With my moods being how they are, this makes things even harder for me. As my moods get very bipolar(I’m not bipolar, but that’s the best way to describe them). Like, Monday, I felt ok for half the day and the other half, I felt quite the opposite. It all gets too much. And I feel like I want to scream. And I feel like I want to call some kind of mental health support to talk things out and vent, but I have lost faith in CMH(community mental health), my case manager and the mental health crisis line. They do not get concerned about concerning thoughts I have and they don’t seem to do anything for me.

If I told my fiance how I feel about him sometimes, he would not like what I have to say. Which is, that a lot of the time I just want to leave him and the baby and just live with my daughters.

It’s no surprise that I am SO over his gaming. He places too much time and energy into it.

It’s no surprise I’m not happy with his family, especially his parents. I mentioned to his sister that I wasn’t very happy about the fact her parents hadn’t taken either of the kids for about 3 weeks and she said “oh, but Mum’s been really tired”. To which I replied “that might be the case, but she could have at least text us and let us know if they couldn’t take the kids”. And reminded her, that the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review is in just over a month.

I feel like yelling at them and saying “how are you going to explain your lack of support at the FGC?! As CYFS don’t excuse petty excuses. And if it was said that you would support us by helping with the kids, that means exactly that. And CYFS will want to know why, after us moving here for better support, why it’s dropped off so quickly” and also “do you forget how much I am struggling with my mental health and how vital this support is? Or are you simply too selfish to care?!”

Seriously, my family are an awesome example of unconditional love and support and selflessness. I am proud to have them as my family and that is why I am really looking forward to moving back to Nelson. As I miss them SO much.

I don’t know why my fiance is being the way he is lately. And whenever I talk to him about it, he just tries to distract from the subject.

I felt something really unpleasant the other day. When I was filling out a form, I had to write about my daughters(the nearly 4 year old) siblings and I felt weird writing that she has a brother. Like, an unpleasant feeling, acknowledging him. This I know is not a normal way to feel. But I recognized the feeling at least, even if it wasn’t pleasant. This highlights to me, even more, the need for therapy. As clearly if I am feeling things like that, there are some major issues that need addressing.

I’m trying not to think too much about the FGC review next month. As I have enough stressing me and I probably shouldn’t be using my time to worry and stress about that. As I don’t want to get worked up and distressed like I did when the original FGC was coming up.

I’ve been feeling quite jumpy again lately. Paranoid about sounds, thinking it’s an earthquake. Becoming very easily startled. And I keep feeling like the ground is moving under me. Not liking this. And my crazy cat, decided to suddenly bolt at full speed through the house last night and the sound of her doing that, made me jump, my heart go nuts and made me think the sound was a big earthquake coming. Damn hyper vigilance and catastrophizing!

Right, better go find something to do. Thanks for reading.

Argh!!!

I know I really should be trying to sleep. But I’m having an issue with very lucid dreams. Which makes me partly not want to sleep. But I know sleep is vital, so I shouldn’t avoid it.

I’m finding it really horrible and scary, how my dreams feel real and like they are actually reality, when in fact they are not. Apparently this can be an side effect with sleep medication. But unfortunately now is not the time to try wean off it. As with all the stress of moving house in just under 3 days, I need my sleep.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed when I came upstairs to go to bed about an hour ago. I was a mess emotionally. Panicked, anxious as hell, distressed, nauseous and my heart was going mental. I was also experiencing vertigo, hyper vigilance and hyper arousal/alertness and it felt like the bed was moving and the sounds of the house, due to the wind making it creek, made me on edge and convinced there was going to be a big earthquake. That would be what they term ‘catastraphizing’. Where you feel a sense of imminent danger and/or impending doom. I hate my minds ability to go to that place.

Pretty much, I’ve been holding a lot in emotionally and trying to keep it together and remain strong and just get through this period of the upcoming move. But I am finding the closer the move of house date gets, the more anxious, overwhelmed, stressed and panicked I get.

It did not help that last night my fiancé was not coping well with the fact that our baby woke when he shouldn’t have. My fiancé was frustrated and swearing and expressing this frustration and annoyance and the baby clearly picked up on that and was crying very urgently and in a distressed manner. Which I couldn’t cope with, so I went and cuddled him until my fiancé had got him a bottle. It was really distressing seeing my fiancé like that and it’s effect on my baby.

Unfortunately, as seems to be the case with my mental health and interactions and bond with my baby, the more I am exposed to any upset of my baby, the more I seem to get distressed and go from having a bond and warm feeling, to feeling distressed and stressed and wanting to get as far away from him as possible.

With all this stress, I have been feeling so desperate and wanting to runaway and leave my fiancé and baby behind and my home and sometimes even wanting to run and leave my whole family. I am finding these feelings incredibly distressing.

Part of me keeping stuff in, is partly as a result of the Cyfs(child youth & family) family group conference last month. Knowing information was shared about me, which I considered confidential. Such as things said by me to my psychiatrist and community mental health team.

It has caused me to feel I can’t truly express and talk about things anymore. As I am paranoid now about it being used against me potentially in the future.

Because the Cyfs social worker expressed that I was guaranteed to relapse again with my mental health, I’ve tried to keep it together and hold everything in to try and prove her wrong. As my pride gets in the way and I don’t want there to be any possibility of her being right. But I am feeling myself go downhill.

Ok, so not surprising I guess, as a result of the stress of moving and all that has happened since August. But I just hate my mental health declining, especially because it had been improving.

I just need to try and take things slow.

I am just feeling a bit concerned because of how the closer the moving date gets, the worse I get mentally.

I at least did one good thing for myself though. I called the mental health crisis line and talked to them about how I have been feeling.

My dermatillomania(as referred to and explained in a previous post) got pretty bad earlier too, when I came upstairs. I was picking more rapidly and pulling out loose bits of hair and peeling dry skin on my nose and feeling agitated, anxious and stressed and was rocking back and forth while doing so.

Ok, better go to bed, it’s nearly 1am!