Tag Archive: emotional


So on a few occasions in the past I’ve made the mistake of missing a few doses of my antidepressant, which is Venlafaxine. I don’t miss doses intentionally, as I have had the GP say many times, try not to let this happen again.

It seems any time I have missed a few doses, the side effects get worse each time. The nightmares I must say are most definitely the worse part. They are so disturbing and distressing. Then I end up not wanting to go to sleep because I get anxious at the prospect of having more nightmares.

The side effects I have found the worst are the constant nausea, vommitting, headaches, upset stomach and of course those nightmares. I end up not being able to keep my food down a fair amount of the time and end up in the toilet soon after eating. The nightmares tend to get worse and worse the longer I am with out my antidepressants. I often will wake my partner up with my muffled screaming. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake for a bit just to ensure I don’t fall asleep and go back into the nightmare. There was one night I kept falling back to sleep into the same nightmare for a period of about 3 hours.

A couple of nights ago I had the worst nightmare ever. It was so bad I was trapped in it, it was the scarest experience I have ever had in my life. I have never been so scared in my life. I kept tryng to force myself to wake up and eventually succeeded. But it was so traumatic the nightmare, I was fighting my body trying to stay awake and I was convinced that the thinking I was awake was a trap and that I was still in impending danger. I have never experienced sleep parylsis, but what I felt seems possibly like that. I was afraid to move, afraid to talk and even afraid to try wake my partner up. It all felt like a trap. Like I was being tricked into thinking I was awake but they were still out to get me, the people in my nightmare. I legit thought I was going to die in this nightmare and I was convinced it was real and I was going to die. When I was awake, it seemed like I was still partly in REM sleep, as my eyes were doing this weird speedy blinking thing, like that which they do when you are in REM sleep. I had to force myself not to close my eyes. As it felt like my mind was trying to get me back into the nightmare. I know I already said this, but I have never been so scared!

I did get my medication a couple of days ago, but I am still suffering some of the side effects. I still feel ill, still being vommitting, have a slight headache, can’t eat much that will stay down. I’ve also been so tired all of the time.

The problem with withdrawal and how fast all those symptoms return that lead you to needing antidepressants return, is that you no longer know if you are still unwell or not. Also, the fear of relapse and the horrible withdrawal makes you shit scared of even trying to get off them.

Venlafaxine definitely does the job of helping me cope and does take the edge off everything. I wouldn’t say it is a cure all. I do appreciate that you are still able to feel your emotions and still feel like ‘YOU’. But it doesn’t by any stretch of imagination stop me getting depressed, getting suicidal, feeling anxious or getting overwhelmed. It does take the edge off all of that.

I knew nightmares was a common theme on Venlafaxine and came to discover they are common if you miss doses. I wasn’t aware though, how common knowledge all the other shitty symptoms are. Especially when it comes to talking to pharmasists and GP’s.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine who had a partner who used to be on Venlafaxine and he was telling me what hell she went through trying to come off this. And she did it by the book and the way your GP will tell you to come off it and cut it down slowly. She experienced horrific nightmares, intense emotions, suidical desires.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place with Venlafaxine. Like do I ever dare risk trying to come off it? Will I cope? Can I cope? As I NEVER want to repeat last weeks experience with that nightmare I mentioned earlier.

I actually can not handle going through that again. And the toll it takes on you is horrible. Sleep is not restful at all at those times. It seems like no matter how much you sleep, you never get caught up. I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling ill as, constantly tired and feeling so crap.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! Between being tearful, ultra sensitive and just irritable and agro.

While I was waiting to see the GP on Monday I was getting so over waiting. The GP was running 1/2 an hour late and I was getting pissy that I was not told they were that behind. I was going between wanting to cry for no reason, feeling panicked and distressed just because someones young son was crying. I would want to just walk out at times as I found it hard to just sit there with all my feelings. I was getting so fucked off having to wait. I was so relieved when I finally got to see the GP. As I was getting very aggitated by her running late.

I have done a small amount of research of venlafaxine withdrawal and I never knew how common it is to feel all this withdrawal hell. In fact I saw an image on Pinterest that way titled “Venlafaxine Withdrawal Hell”. That’s a very accurate description for sure.

I do sometimes feel pressure from some people in my life who are anti medication to get off meds. But also I push the fact maybe they just need to accept that I might always need to be on antidepressants and that should be ok.

The GP said to me regarding my concern over whether I might be ok mentally without medication and that the withdrawals, at least wait until I am feeling more stable before exploring that, which makes sense.

I have not blogged for ages it seems. I just don’t allow myself the time to sit down and blog. I always have that anxiety there is something else I should be doing. Or I just don’t have the motivation to even try.

Anyway, still feeling pretty nauseous, so might go eat some food.

Thanks for reading 🙂

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FML (Fuck My Life) is the perfect way to describe how I feel lately.

Just stressed in a few areas. And I feel so crap all the time.

I have felt like self harming a few times, but thankfully haven’t and have had a few fleeting desires suicide wise.

My energy levels are like non-existent. I have no energy! I feel tired all the time! And I have no idea why.

I do need to go to the GP, but I owe over $50 and I don’t think they let you make an appointment when your debt is over $45 and it’s been in debt for over a month. Also I’m pessimistic of whether I will be taken seriously, based on previous experience. I feel I get fobbed off, when really I need to be taken seriously and I need the GP to look into what the issue is causing this low energy and constant low mood.

I’m SO moody, grumpy, sensitive, irritable, emotional and just a bloody mess! I can hardly bear myself and I have no idea how anyone else can deal with me. It feels like how I react isn’t even a conscious thing. I’ll react and then think to myself, why am I reacting like that?

I feel like it’s hormonal, physical and mental. I definitely feel effected in all those areas.

I was talking to my partner about how I wish I could just get drunk, just so as to feel something other then utter crap. And I cried just talking about it. My emotions are so on edge. I feel for him, having to deal with me at the moment. It can’t be easy.

I have definitely found the school holidays that are about to finish, very difficult. I just feel like I have not had the energy for the kids and found my tolerance quite low at times. It was quite hard when my oldest daughter was here, seeing her level of anxiety. It can’t be easy for her. And from what I’ve read from her carers, things are really difficult for her with them and at high school. I would like to try get her back in my care. But I feel like I’d need to secure a bigger place and be closer to family location wise.

I feel like some of my physical health problems are effecting my energy and aggravating other physical health problems. Like I feel like coming up to ‘that time of month’ I get a little constipated and going number 2’s aggravates my cervix, causing my cervical prolapse to become worth, which then causes bleeding before ‘that time of month’ and my cervix prolapsing aggravates the nerves in my back, causing back pain. And I already get the back pain during ‘that time of month’ any way. Then I am drained with ‘that time of month’ and PMSing during that time too. It feels like PMS all day, every day! I will be SO angry if I go to the GP eventually and I get no answers. This is NOT living! This is existing and that sux!

Bills. Oh they suck! You get on top of some and then before you can relax, another and it’s somehow overdue already! If it wasn’t for my repairs and buying mobiles, tablets/iPads or iPods for cheap and selling for a profit, things would be so much worse.

There is a really well priced office for rent in Stoke, but the issue is, where do we come up with the extra $50 a week to pay for that and also, power for it. I really like it and the location, but how to make it happen? As I feel like I don’t have enough work to afford it. But it’s like a double edged sword, like I shouldn’t forever put opportunities on hold, but also, I don’t have enough work yet. I wish I could have a home office. I like the idea of a small business loan, but is it affordable? And where would be affordable and can I earn enough to pay it back and is it a realistic option? I don’t feel like it would need to be a very big loan, just enough to get stock and advertising material, but only necessary, as in like flag/banner or sign. Something that you only have to pay for once.

So far advertising wise, I have 2 car magnets, a bumper sticker on my car and got 250 business cards printed for my business. I must say, loving Vistaprint prices!

Argh! I get so stressed when I’ve got things for sale and I get people enquiring, but no-one buying. Or asking to buy, then mucking me around and not buying.

I don’t look forward to going to bed at night or sleep. As it’s like, yay, lets have a sleep, only to wake up and still feel tired ALL THE TIME!

Ok, I think I’ve done enough venting now. I think I might drink a coffee…at nearly 10:30pm, just because.

Thanks for reading and following to those of you who follow my blog. I’m sorry there’s not a lot of positive much of the time, but yeah, I’m being real. I wish things were better 😦

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

Stress, parenting and so on

So, as you might have guessed, among other things, my post is about stress, parenting and so on.

Today I have been feeling really stressed. As have I a fair few times in these ultra long school holidays. I think these holidays are about 6 wks.

How other parents manage to cope, as in the one’s who do have their kids with them full time during the holidays and don’t get a break, I fail to understand.

As I don’t!

I do at points in the holidays. Like, at first I enjoy the lack of structure and routine and not having to worry about school drop off and pick up. But eventually, with the length of these holidays, I do start coming undone. I unfortunately always do. It’s a reoccurring theme with these particular holidays. Every year, without a doubt, I end up not coping.

There was at least 1 week so far, where I just was not coping the whole week. Though thankfully I managed better the next week.

This week, the coping has been on and off. Today being one of the off days.

My older daughter just nags and nags and questions me and my authority and that wears me down. And then my toddler, who is 3 next month, she has meltdowns when she doesn’t get her way or when she is getting over everything, due to needing a nap. That’s a sure sign of her needing a nap, the meltdowns and losing it over everything.

I also get stressed with regards to my oldest daughter playing outside on her bike and sometimes her scooter, due to the speed limit down my street, which is I guess cul-de-sac like and has speed bumps, being 5km and some of the arrogant people who live down here or visit, not sticking to that speed. As, kids play out there on their bikes and scooters and it’s a very family orientated street. Thus, the very low speed limit and speed bumps.

What makes it worse is, 2 of the people who live down here and go over that speed, they have kids! That angers and concerns me. It almost seems like, they don’t care about anyone else and think it’s ok to drive like that, cause their kids are safe in their car.

So, some days, while my 9 yr old is outside, I worry, worry, worry and sometimes won’t let her bike outside due to my fear and worry. And it doesn’t help when she ignores the rules and goes down the unsafer end of the street.

Some of my meltdown today started, because my toddler was clearly getting tired, was nagging me and I was trying to get ingredients mixed and sorted to bake a cake and in this stress, I did it the wrong way around, but thankfully realized this and saved it from disaster.

Anyway, after that was sorted. I proceeded to take her shoes off, for bed, she resisted and struggled, same with the hat. And then I had to carry her upstairs with her struggling all the way and wriggling out of my grip by the top of the stairs. She resisted the whole time. She was losing it and I was losing it. And I’ll admit I did smack her on the legs. All after screaming my lungs out about not coping and balling my eyes out as well.

She was crying, I was crying. It was a big mess.

Got her in to bed thankfully. But I think she complied because I’d scared and/or worried her with my behaviour.

I think all this meltdown and stress comes down to a few things.

I’m really lonely. No-one visits and no-one invites me to visit. And those who wouldn’t mind me visiting, live to far for me to be able to manage or afford to visit.

It’s pretty bad how distant some of my friends have become. As in, I have only seen 3 friends in about 2 1/2 months. And I do try and make contact and encourage some socializing, but it seems some of them just can’t be bothered. Which is not particularly healthy for them either.

I struggle with a lack of support. I understand on my older daughters grandparents side, they have work and a few grand kids to spread themselves around. Though they do try see her a few times a month. Still a total lack of support on my youngest daughters side of the family. And I really need some time out from them both. And that shouldn’t mean, having to leave them with my fiance. As he deserves to have time out too.

I am struggling with knowing we will have extra financial stress coming up soon. That, firstly in the way of rent increase, which is quite significant. $35 extra per week, which calculates to $70 more a fortnight and $140 more per month. And on one income, that is not great. But also, we can’t really afford to move. And of course at some point we will have to buy baby stuff.

Also been getting stressed due to having some odd bleeding, which thankfully is nothing to worry about and my cervix prolapsing. But before knowing all that was harmless, it caused me to worry and stress. As you worry about bleeding in pregnancy and fear the worst. But no, all is good with baby. Have had scans to confirm that.

I must admit, I am still hurting over the whole being kicked out of that Anxiety Group I was in. Still makes my head spin, all that was said and how very untrue it all was and inaccurate. I have never been so hurt by words in my life. As it’s one thing when people are saying nasty stuff at school, cause they have issues. As you can get over that as you mature, as you realize they have the issues, not you. But when adults are saying stuff about you and your character which they believe is true, but it just isn’t, that hurts a whole lot.

Yeah, I may be self-assured for the most part, but I am still vulnerable, emotional and I do care what some people think and I am able to get hurt.

I have found the community mental health team of no help. They keep asking how they can help me and what I expect from them and I don’t know what I can access and what they can help with. So I have trouble answering that, past, I would like to feel supported and access any practical help they can offer. They tell me, that’s not specific enough. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what services they offer or can offer. All I know is, I had an assessment and based on that day and not on my answers in the questionnaire, which honestly rated my depression as severe, they deemed me stable and said they could offer me 1 appointment to look at medication options.

Gah! How sick I am of people trying to just medicate mentally ill people and not treat the cause and not offer support! Stop taking the easy way out! That is NOT how you fix people or support them!

Anyway, that is all. Might go ice the cake.

My reasons for blogging

Well, it pretty much started with blogging about my experience of PND(postnatal depression)

Then onto my experience with Depression.

Then, I found it a good outlet for what goes on in my life and how depression manifests for me, effects me and felt this was all worth sharing.

As, I figured, sometimes we feel alone, unsupported, lost, judged, misunderstood and many other things. And sometimes we feel like we are the only one experiencing all this.

Yet we are not.

If not just to reassure others, that they are not alone. Also to encourage others to share their feelings, seek support and reach out.

To hopefully inspire.

To show, that, even though there are downs, there are ups too and that things can and will improve.

Also, it’s a good place at times for me to vent.

It’s nice to have an outlet.

It is SO good to know we are not alone in our struggles.

I am honest. I am emotional. I am sensitive. I am confident. I am self assured. I am supportive. I am unique. I am flawed. I am imperfect.

Also, I can find it very insightful and helpful to look back and reflect and try and pinpoint any triggers or strategies. In hopes to avoid downward spirals or at least, if I can not avoid them, get myself out of them sooner.

Now, on another important subject. Support.

I felt at times it was lacking, when I tried to access it. But I have kept trying to find others who are willing to be a support to me and hopefully I can return the favor and through persistence and perseverance, I have managed to find some more such people.

Thank you to those of you who are such great supports to me. You are invaluable and I appreciate you immensely.

31st July 2012

Yeah, that’s what happens when you run out of interesting titles for blog entries.  You just go with the date  🙂

 

So, yesterday was a bit of a crap day.  I was visiting a friend and my toddler hit her 10 month old with a toy while I was out of the room.  And yeah, I acknowledge that is not cool.  But also, it’s not cool for 2 people to start attacking me as a parent and to insult my parenting and my child.  Comparing her to other children.  Insinuating that she has issues and anger problems.  She is actually a nice little girl and by no stretch of imagination, does she have issues.  She just has zero experience with babies.  And yeah, that’s not an excuse, but it is fact.  If I had been in the room and saw it potentially heading that way, I’d have told her no and explained why we don’t hit babies.  But unfortunately I was not in the room.

 

I was very upset with being attacked and having my daughter insulted.  I’d have thought parents would have more tact, then to insult another parent and their child.  I wanted to just get up and leave, as I don’t like conflict.  But then I felt that gives a message I am wrong and they have won.  So I simply stayed, to prove the opposite.

 

Also felt quite emotional after all that.  And then I watched a programme called “One Born Every Minute” and that made me very emotional.  Seeing several women becoming Mums for the first time and those emotions and their pain.  But, I’m still fine with the fact that my baby making days will soon be over.  Though I feel like I’m being tested in that area a lot lately.

 

I’m getting hair extensions tomorrow.  Well I bloody better be!  I have been waiting for nearly 3 months!  So that is kind of exciting.

 

I’ve been feeling a bit emotional and frustrated about my weight not shifting much.  As, I had been eating very well, for a whole week and expected a loss of at least 1 kg minimum.  So when I stood on the scales at the end of the week and saw I’d only lost 200gms, I got very upset and packed a bit of a tanty and took it out on everyone that morning.  Did a bit of binge eating and emotional eating on the weekend and yesterday.  And I get very annoyed at myself for knowingly putting this bad food in my mouth and into my body.  I also get frustrated that I really don’t feel like exercising.

 

I met a lovely person through the Anxiety/Depression meet up group, last week.  We chatted via email for about a week before we met.  We have quite a few things in common.  I have really enjoyed hanging out with her and chatting to her.  She’s a very nice person.

 

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the last 2 days.  I’m not sure if I’d say depressed or not.  Just kind of sick of being on Mum duty all the time.  Wishing I could just have 2 days off, by myself, without these responsibilities.  But don’t see that happening.  It’s just very hard when the older child is giving attitude and looking at you being a little smart-ass and the younger one keeps screaming and screeching, instead of using words.  That noise does drive me pretty crazy.  Having your emotions go on a bit of a rollercoaster doesn’t help.  As I get a bit sensitive and easily upset.

 

I have been doing my very best to socialize as often as possible.  Just to take care of myself and my moods and mental health.  As, like I have most likely mentioned before, if I don’t socialize often enough I go downhill, get depressed and sometimes as a result isolate myself.  So I think I have done ok to have socialized once both days this week.  Though, yesterdays social interaction turned negative due to the incident with my daughter and that crap.  I got to hang out with my neighbour from down my street for a bit.  She’s really cool.  I like hanging out with her.  And this week, I have a few things on, which is nice, as that gives me things to look forward to and that is important.

 

Tomorrow, I am visiting my friend Anastasia in the morning and I get to see her new baby for the first time and Annabelle gets to hang out with her older son, Eddie.  Then I am hanging out with Donna, who used to work with my fiancée when he managed a video store.  I’ve not actually hung out with her before, apart from chatting to her when I bumped into her earlier this year and chatting via text.  She’s a cool chic.  Then tomorrow evening I get the hair extensions.  On Thursday I have my 2nd appointment with my Psychologist.  And on Friday I am visiting my friend Lily.  And next Wednesday, my Mum is in Wellington for 2 days.  She lives in Australia.  So I’m pretty excited about seeing her.  Next week is pretty mundane apart from that.  On Monday I have boring things to do, like take Annabelle for her 2 1/2 year Plunket check and then take Sophie to the Dentist later that day.

 

Wrote in my diary for the first time in like 15 days last night.  Thinking I might write in there again soon.  Also thinking I might go to bed soon.  As I’m attempting to look after myself, by getting enough sleep.

 

I’m sure I had more stuff to write about.  But I’ve forgotten what else.  That’s all for today.

Anxiety & other dilemmas

Last night, I was have some major issues with anxiety. Driving to Petone and back, in the dark, was making me highly anxious and very on edge.

By the time I went to pick Braiden up from work, I was in tears due to my anxiety and panic attacks. I just didn’t want to drive anymore.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately. I’m tired, so often and emotional and angry as. Also, I feel like I’m losing my mind. An example, Braiden asked me to put $80 in the Trade Me account. Instead of me using my brain, I did put it in a Trade Me account, as in on Trade Me. It didn’t even dawn upon me, that maybe he meant the savings account, that Trade Me money goes into. Because apparently, I was supposed to be putting it in the bank account for rego, which expires in a few days. Yeah, so now, we have $80 on Trade Me, for no reason. Big oops. I did some other brainless thing last night, but can’t remember what it was. Then this morning, I went to drop Braiden to work and instead of swiping his card to open the gate at his work, I pushed the buzzer. Gosh, the people in his office must wonder what I was thinking LOL!

So yeah, losing my mind and plagued with anxiety. And now stress, due to my muck up, as rent payment defaulted.

I do wonder, if maybe I should find some expert, who listens and respects my wants and needs, to find the right meds for me. As I’m feeling a bit screwed up and I want my head right.

But, on the plus side. I won 2 free tickets to a make up show tonight, where I’ll get a glass of bubbles and a $10 voucher. Yay! And, I have fixed my computer. Yes!!! I am, so clever! Hehe.

another post…

Right, so older daughter is home and she’s mostly well-behaved.  But my issue is the baby.  She’s being really difficult.  She nearly always hates her nappy being changed so struggles, turns over, moans, screams and this stresses me the hell out!  Twice now I have smacked her and that not cool!  First time I smacked her leg and intently felt like crap for doing it and yesterday I smacked her bum.  Then felt terrible again.  I mean she’s just a baby, even if she is being difficult and she doesn’t deserve to be smacked.

I’m just so over so much at the moment.  I’ve been drained, unmotivated and feeling like craps for ages.  My thyroid has become less active again and I’m not as yet seeing any result from uping my tablets for that.  I wake up every morning feeling tired and not wanting to get out of bed and I feel like I’ve never had enough sleep.  First I was unwell, then got conjunctivitus and then starting losing my voice and then got a nasty cough.  Argh!  Will it ever end.  I am so sick of feeling so tired and emotional!

My friends offically suck!!!  They don’t visit me, contact me and when one of them does and I tell her how shit I feel, she doesn’t reply or anything and I know she’s read my email.  Really, she is my best friend, why the hell can’t she act like it!!!  It seems as I get older, I realise more and more how selfish and self-centred many of my friends are.  I just wish they could be caring and compassionate and put a bloody effort in.  But oh well, I can always make new friends.  It’s just really hard actually gaining new friendships and scary making new friends.  I worry that I’ll get rejected as for some reason they won’t like me.

My baby has been making breastfeeding really hard lately.  Don’t know what she is doing, but my nipples keep ending up cracked, dry, split and bleeding.  Yesterday when she latched onto one side it was agonising and I just starting crying and feeling like crap and a failure.  I want to breastfeed for a bit longer yet, but it’s so painful!  I’ve been doing everything I can to help my nipple heal, even giving her formula sometimes, but they still end up damaged and we can’t afford to put her of formula full time.  Plus breastfeeding is free and convenient.

I’ve been very teary lately.  I was crying earlier, but can’t remember why now.  Oh, I remember why, it was because my baby is stressing me out with making nappy changes a big struggle and for some reason, this made me really upset.  So while I fed her I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face and thinking, I wish life was easier, I wish we had no money problems, I wish we could win lotto, I was I was happy and everything was just good.

I want to lose weight, but am having trouble with attempting to exercise as I’m always so tired.  I think I’d feel better if I was smaller.  Plus I have so many clothes I just don’t fit.

I really miss my family, as they all live elsewhere, like Australia, Nelson, Christchurch and Nelson.

It’s so hard when the only person I have to talk to about my issues, day, feelings is my partner.  I need someone else to vent to.  It not fair for him to be the only one I can talk to.  No-one from PND support has rung me for over a month!

Right that’s all for now.