I Don’t Want Anyone to Know How I Really Feel

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

The Whirlwind That is My Life

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

29th July 2014

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

The Outcome

So I was looking back on my recent blog posts and like I had thought, no, I had not posted anything about the latest CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review. The one regarding my oldest girl.

Well, I guess part of the reason I didn’t really jump at sharing anything about the review, was because I found it pretty damn horrible.

How it felt for me was. Pretty much like I was sitting in a room, being ripped apart, insulted and attacked for about a good hour or so. It was so horrible! At one point I just could not take it anymore and had to leave the room for a period. At other times, like when my daughters granddad on her Dad’s side was attacking me basically as a parent, I wanted to throw something very hard at him. Oh and do not even get me started on her Aunty on her Dad’s side. OMG! All I have to say is, who the hell does she think she is, thinking she has such a say with regards to MY child!!! She has never made any attempt to hide the fact that she hates me. And combine that with her being in a position to potentially ruin my life by just stating what would suit that agenda. That does not help. She had the cheek to suggest my daughters visits with me in holidays, as I now live in Nelson, start with 3-4 days and slowly be built up. Um…what the fuck?! I am of NO risk to my daughter and there is absolutely no reason why my time with her should be limited. As with the arrangements previously while I was still in Wellington, I was allowed to see her as much as I liked outside of school days.

I mean, not only is there the factor of having such an involvement of CYFS in my life and how that has totally screwed our financial situation. But then there is pretty much sitting there being attacked for a good hour. It was the most intense and emotionally exhausting experience I have ever had. It was so damn horrible. I would go as far as saying it was traumatic. Just writing about it is hard enough.

My daughters granddad is fully suggesting that my daughter is not developmentally delayed by 2-2 1/2 years, like assessed and diagnosed by a Occupational Therapist and a Paediatrician. He is suggesting he believes it is my parenting and he goes as far as saying I have neglected her most of her life. He pretty much paints this out to be because I have Mental Illness. No-one on his side of the fence is even considering some of how she is, is actually personality traits. As much of what they describe, is very much describing how I was around the same age. Also, he has gone as far as saying that I have used my older daughter to babysit my younger daughter, which is not true at all. Man, how many more lies will he spin in his attempt to keep her there in Wellington?! And it does not help that CYFS pay so much attention to his suggestions. Oh, if they only knew of his parenting of some of his adopted children!

I mean, far out, CYFS are suggesting that my parenting and maybe partly my fiance’s parenting is going to make all of our children developmentally delayed. And if they have had assessments of my younger 2 suggest there are not delays, then the social worker simply asks for a another assessment from another service. It is as if they keep getting assessments until one is in line with what outcome they want. And what I hate is how CYFS will not acknowledge their part in the changes of behaviour my younger daughter is displaying. As she was actually doing very well until they became so involved in our lives and would not let her older sister return home to live with us. They just refuse to acknowledge their part in this.

They want my baby to be in daycare still, now we are in Nelson. And I straight out said no, I will not go along with that and you are being ridiculous. And I am even willing to stand by that staunchly. As I know for a fact, if they try and enforce that by using the family court, they would lose that case.

I have straight out said to them also, why are you continuing to keep suggesting I will relapse, despite absolutely no evidence to support this theory. They come back with “the majority of mental health suffers do”. To which I reply “stop putting me in that box. As you have NO evidence to support this theory and if I were to relapse, I would have by now. Due to all of this stress I have been put through”. Of course they end up stumped and have no reply.

Oh and I feel so disrespected by how CYFS, my daughters granddad’s side and even my daughters carers, talk about my older sister, who lives in the house below us, be the ‘safety net’ or ‘circuit breaker’ in case I can not handle having my daughter here for 8 days. I feel that things regarding my daughter on their side, is very much treated like a business transaction and she is talked about more like an item then a person.

Like, damn! My older sister in being used as an observer for CYFS and she is used to report back regarding our parenting. Fuck this shit!

Sorry about all the swearing, but all of this is just overkill! I am not an abusive parent or negligent. I am a caring, affectionate, loving, nurturing and ok… maybe a tad over protective parent. How can those things possibly be faults? I am so protective of my children because they are my life, my reason for fighting on and my reason for living and because I love them all with every inch of my heart. So of course I want to protect them from any harm. Though, yes, I do understand I need to let them live and learn.

I was quite close to falling apart emotionally today. As the finance company tried to take a payment out a week too early and we went from having $109 to -$65. And we still need to get some more groceries and now we have no money. And because of how many times we had to get help from WINZ(work and income) when we moved to the last place, we have no entitlement for food grants.

As I have mentioned before, when things like this happen, my mind always goes into blame and guilt mode. Thinking this is all my fault for getting unwell last year.

Oh, so anyway. The outcome of the FGC review, was go to Nelson, get settled and attempt to prove ourselves as competent parents to my oldest and then have that reviewed at the end of October. So, pretty much, 3 days in August and 8 days in the school holidays after that, are supposed to be our opportunity to prove ourselves. Which to me, seems pretty damn unrealistic. As how can you show, in those 2 visits, everything that CYFS need to see? It seems like being setup to fail. Either way, it is frustrating that I thought the FGC just been, was about determining if I could have my daughter back with me at the end of the school year. But instead, that goal gets changed, because the evil aunty who hates me, does not want that to be the goal. Argh!!!

Fuck, honestly, it is not surprising some days I just want out of this life! Though I would not do that. As that is not fair to anyone and that does not fix anything, that just makes things much, much worse. I am just sick of the stress and this ongoing involvement with CYFS and the opportunities for people to have me sit there in these reviews and just attack me. It does take it’s toll.

Just so sick of stress and struggling and having my hopes crushed.

I have found the last week or so very hard. Especially the moving day and the day after. As my fiance’s response to all this moving stuff, seems to be, him being critical of me and I am left feeling attacked and more stressed and I do not need that.

So hate the money worries. It is so overwhelming and you end up feeling suffocated by the sheer panic and fear and worry.

On the plus side though. I actually feel really at ease and comfortable being in Nelson. I think knowing I have supportive family here helps a lot. And also knowing it is a fresh start and I do not have to encounter that bully of an ex friend anymore is quite nice.

We are Diamonds

My inspiration for this post comes from this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWA2pjMjpBs

Pretty much what I am saying, is that we who suffer from mental illness in whatever facet it is, are unique and we are valuable, like diamonds. We have something special and unique to offer to the world.

We have a specific purpose within the world, that our suffering will teach us. However long that journey takes.

Yes, by far, it is harder going through life with our emotions so much at the forefront and sometimes, ruling our lives. But our emotions are important and are always there to teach us something. Even though, yes, sometimes our emotions put us through hell. But, being more sensitive, though sometimes it feels like our undoing, is a good thing. As I feel we are much more perceptive as a result and we pick up on things others unlike us, do not.

And though, I and others alike, will have our up times and our down times and sometimes we will feel inspired and sometimes we will feel discouraged. This does not take away from this fact.

So…therefore, keep this fact in mind. Especially if you get so low and so discouraged, that you may even get to that point of feeling totally overwhelmed and hopeless and like a burden(I can relate to that feeling), that you think this world would be better off without you(yes I am referring to thoughts of suicide), just hold on to this fact. As, this fact alone makes it worth just holding on that much longer and I can not even try to give you a guarantee of when things will start to look up. But, YOU ARE WORTH IT! And it is worth holding on to this, just this simple, beautiful fact, especially if you have let go of all hope.

And I just want to say, a lot of this inspiration, passion and motivation, actually came through the loss of a life of a young man I did not even know. But his passing has touched me and inspired me to share on this very taboo subject.

So I would like to devote this post to him. I respect his family and friends enough not to name him.

But, yes, living in this small, sometimes isolated community, has most definitely touched me and I know now, despite the less then ideal circumstances that brought me here, it is worth it, if it saves just 1 life and hopefully many more.

So relate to much of this. Just had to share

It’s on BPD(borderline personality disorder) and talks about the ‘waves of despair’. I so can relate to so much of it.

Self-Harm

I was in somewhat of a blunted, weird mood last night and for some reason felt a strong desire to self-harm. It’s probably clear by the shape of the scar, I was screaming for help.

I don’t know fully why I did it. Though, part of it if feeling numbness and blunted. Part of it is despair over the big changes in my life and such a change in my family dynamics. Such as, the fact my older daughter doesn’t live with me. That really hurts me deep inside. Others might not see it and maybe I don’t let it show, as much as it is hurting me and tearing my heart up.

I’m struggling with my life as it is and want a do over. I want a fresh, clean slate, to do it again and do it properly. But that is impossible. I broke mentally and emotionally big time after having my last baby. And I love him, he’s such a darling, sweet, gorgeous boy. But some days I want to just run away and just be with my 2 girls. And without the complication of a relationship and young baby. I know how selfish that is though.

Man I so hope my mood improves once I move. As it seems to be getting worse, the closer it comes to moving date. Which is in 6 days time.

I used photoshop tool on the below pic, to show what I’d done with the self-harm, with the red felt tool.

A picture is worth a…well, you know the rest.

The waiting is over

So I ended up being induced 7 days early, due to my declining mental health.

So I had baby Dylan on 1st August, 1:28pm, weighing 7 lbs 12 1/2 oz, at Wellington Hospital.

Oh my, induced labour, it was not pleasant. I actually found it quite traumatic. I had waters artificially ruptured and those contractions were bearable. But once they started me on the drip, the contractions steadily picked up the pace and intensity. I asked for an epidural once I knew I could not cope any longer on the gas and at this point contractions were 6 in 10 minutes and I was not getting much of a break between them. As I was using the gas, but as the contraction would peck, I could no longer handle the gas and was getting very distraught. But my midwife said to keep trying with the gas, which I was not happy about, as I knew I wasn’t coping. She turned off the drip and still contractions were coming just as often and strong. I was physically shaking, crying, panicky and just overcome with pain. Eventually she agreed to an epidural. So while the anesthetist was doing his big talk about the side effects, I was having unbearable contractions, wishing he could just hurry up his speech, which, yes, I know is protocol, but it’s just more time in pain to the women. Eventually it came time to get everything in place for the epidural and I was feeling relieved, knowing soon the pain would be over. But damn, the contractions were so bad. And then, suddenly just as he was about to put the epidural in, I suddenly needed to push and this was not ideal, as I was sitting on the side of the bed. Midwife said can I wait a few minutes and I was like “no, I need to push now!” So at speed my fiance and the midwife had to get me in a better position. Apparently I grabbed my fiance and pulled him towards me. I remember screaming in pain as I pushed the baby out. All this time, I thought I’d been given the epidural and was awaiting the pain relief kicking in and was wondering why it wasn’t. I had a 2nd degree tear and a PPH(postpartum hemorrhage) and lost 1 litre of blood. All these doctors and so on where all around me and I was effectively using the gas at this point, to cope with the discomfort of all they were doing. Every bit of pain I endured after having baby, felt like torture. So due to all this I had to stay in hospital overnight. My body was so over everything and the blood lost, that the hospital midwife the next day hardly even got a teaspoon of blood, to test my iron. Apparently this is a normal reaction when you’ve had quite a bleed. The body refuses to give up anymore blood and here I was, telling her I was good for taking blood. Obviously I didn’t know how losing that much blood effects the body.

So yeah, that was the labour and birth. Which I had to try not to think about, as every time I did, I’d get panicked and cry uncontrollably.

My mental health has been really bad since I had the baby. Due to the sleep deprivation and all I went through, the joy and excitement I expected to feel wasn’t there. Just a sense of fear and despair. I have spent much of the last few days distraught at times in tears and being so upset I nearly vomit. How I feel at these times, is that I don’t want my life anymore and yes, at sometimes a bit suicidal. Often I just wish I could runaway from it all. But I would miss my family and it’s not fair on anyone. Often I feel like, I want things back the way the used to be, with just 2 kids. And then I feel like shit for thinking like this. I fear how I will cope once my fiance is back at work.

I am having such a issue with sleep. As being so sleep deprived the first few days, seems to have screwed with my body. So I will try with no success for upto 5 hours to get to sleep and just can’t. And I will try and sleep when baby is asleep and just can’t. So I get very little sleep once I get to sleep. Like 90 minutes the first time last night and then maybe 2 hours from when baby went to sleep a 2nd time. And it took me 2 or 3 hours to get him back to sleep. Which takes it’s toll and I end up distraught. So I have maybe had 6 hours sleep in 3 days I think.

I find the lady from Community Mental Health really annoying. She rung to see how things are and I was in tears and explaining everything and she has no compassion. Just keeps telling I shouldn’t hold on to the thoughts and pretty much I should not let myself go to those places in my mind. She just rubs me up the wrong way. I need support and tenderness and compassion. I do not need to be made to feel my feelings aren’t valid or like I’m to blame for my depression. Which honestly, I rate as severe. I have no felt this low ever.

A lot of the time I just want to hide from the world and isolate myself permanently. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere and I just want to be left alone. Even going to the supermarket made me feel panicked and I was walking around the supermarket, holding back the tears.

I’ve added a picture now of my latest addition.

So that’s my story regarding the last week.