So I was looking back on my recent blog posts and like I had thought, no, I had not posted anything about the latest CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review. The one regarding my oldest girl.

Well, I guess part of the reason I didn’t really jump at sharing anything about the review, was because I found it pretty damn horrible.

How it felt for me was. Pretty much like I was sitting in a room, being ripped apart, insulted and attacked for about a good hour or so. It was so horrible! At one point I just could not take it anymore and had to leave the room for a period. At other times, like when my daughters granddad on her Dad’s side was attacking me basically as a parent, I wanted to throw something very hard at him. Oh and do not even get me started on her Aunty on her Dad’s side. OMG! All I have to say is, who the hell does she think she is, thinking she has such a say with regards to MY child!!! She has never made any attempt to hide the fact that she hates me. And combine that with her being in a position to potentially ruin my life by just stating what would suit that agenda. That does not help. She had the cheek to suggest my daughters visits with me in holidays, as I now live in Nelson, start with 3-4 days and slowly be built up. Um…what the fuck?! I am of NO risk to my daughter and there is absolutely no reason why my time with her should be limited. As with the arrangements previously while I was still in Wellington, I was allowed to see her as much as I liked outside of school days.

I mean, not only is there the factor of having such an involvement of CYFS in my life and how that has totally screwed our financial situation. But then there is pretty much sitting there being attacked for a good hour. It was the most intense and emotionally exhausting experience I have ever had. It was so damn horrible. I would go as far as saying it was traumatic. Just writing about it is hard enough.

My daughters granddad is fully suggesting that my daughter is not developmentally delayed by 2-2 1/2 years, like assessed and diagnosed by a Occupational Therapist and a Paediatrician. He is suggesting he believes it is my parenting and he goes as far as saying I have neglected her most of her life. He pretty much paints this out to be because I have Mental Illness. No-one on his side of the fence is even considering some of how she is, is actually personality traits. As much of what they describe, is very much describing how I was around the same age. Also, he has gone as far as saying that I have used my older daughter to babysit my younger daughter, which is not true at all. Man, how many more lies will he spin in his attempt to keep her there in Wellington?! And it does not help that CYFS pay so much attention to his suggestions. Oh, if they only knew of his parenting of some of his adopted children!

I mean, far out, CYFS are suggesting that my parenting and maybe partly my fiance’s parenting is going to make all of our children developmentally delayed. And if they have had assessments of my younger 2 suggest there are not delays, then the social worker simply asks for a another assessment from another service. It is as if they keep getting assessments until one is in line with what outcome they want. And what I hate is how CYFS will not acknowledge their part in the changes of behaviour my younger daughter is displaying. As she was actually doing very well until they became so involved in our lives and would not let her older sister return home to live with us. They just refuse to acknowledge their part in this.

They want my baby to be in daycare still, now we are in Nelson. And I straight out said no, I will not go along with that and you are being ridiculous. And I am even willing to stand by that staunchly. As I know for a fact, if they try and enforce that by using the family court, they would lose that case.

I have straight out said to them also, why are you continuing to keep suggesting I will relapse, despite absolutely no evidence to support this theory. They come back with “the majority of mental health suffers do”. To which I reply “stop putting me in that box. As you have NO evidence to support this theory and if I were to relapse, I would have by now. Due to all of this stress I have been put through”. Of course they end up stumped and have no reply.

Oh and I feel so disrespected by how CYFS, my daughters granddad’s side and even my daughters carers, talk about my older sister, who lives in the house below us, be the ‘safety net’ or ‘circuit breaker’ in case I can not handle having my daughter here for 8 days. I feel that things regarding my daughter on their side, is very much treated like a business transaction and she is talked about more like an item then a person.

Like, damn! My older sister in being used as an observer for CYFS and she is used to report back regarding our parenting. Fuck this shit!

Sorry about all the swearing, but all of this is just overkill! I am not an abusive parent or negligent. I am a caring, affectionate, loving, nurturing and ok… maybe a tad over protective parent. How can those things possibly be faults? I am so protective of my children because they are my life, my reason for fighting on and my reason for living and because I love them all with every inch of my heart. So of course I want to protect them from any harm. Though, yes, I do understand I need to let them live and learn.

I was quite close to falling apart emotionally today. As the finance company tried to take a payment out a week too early and we went from having $109 to -$65. And we still need to get some more groceries and now we have no money. And because of how many times we had to get help from WINZ(work and income) when we moved to the last place, we have no entitlement for food grants.

As I have mentioned before, when things like this happen, my mind always goes into blame and guilt mode. Thinking this is all my fault for getting unwell last year.

Oh, so anyway. The outcome of the FGC review, was go to Nelson, get settled and attempt to prove ourselves as competent parents to my oldest and then have that reviewed at the end of October. So, pretty much, 3 days in August and 8 days in the school holidays after that, are supposed to be our opportunity to prove ourselves. Which to me, seems pretty damn unrealistic. As how can you show, in those 2 visits, everything that CYFS need to see? It seems like being setup to fail. Either way, it is frustrating that I thought the FGC just been, was about determining if I could have my daughter back with me at the end of the school year. But instead, that goal gets changed, because the evil aunty who hates me, does not want that to be the goal. Argh!!!

Fuck, honestly, it is not surprising some days I just want out of this life! Though I would not do that. As that is not fair to anyone and that does not fix anything, that just makes things much, much worse. I am just sick of the stress and this ongoing involvement with CYFS and the opportunities for people to have me sit there in these reviews and just attack me. It does take it’s toll.

Just so sick of stress and struggling and having my hopes crushed.

I have found the last week or so very hard. Especially the moving day and the day after. As my fiance’s response to all this moving stuff, seems to be, him being critical of me and I am left feeling attacked and more stressed and I do not need that.

So hate the money worries. It is so overwhelming and you end up feeling suffocated by the sheer panic and fear and worry.

On the plus side though. I actually feel really at ease and comfortable being in Nelson. I think knowing I have supportive family here helps a lot. And also knowing it is a fresh start and I do not have to encounter that bully of an ex friend anymore is quite nice.