Venlafaxine/Effexor XR…. Withdrawal is HELL!!!

So on a few occasions in the past I’ve made the mistake of missing a few doses of my antidepressant, which is Venlafaxine. I don’t miss doses intentionally, as I have had the GP say many times, try not to let this happen again.

It seems any time I have missed a few doses, the side effects get worse each time. The nightmares I must say are most definitely the worse part. They are so disturbing and distressing. Then I end up not wanting to go to sleep because I get anxious at the prospect of having more nightmares.

The side effects I have found the worst are the constant nausea, vommitting, headaches, upset stomach and of course those nightmares. I end up not being able to keep my food down a fair amount of the time and end up in the toilet soon after eating. The nightmares tend to get worse and worse the longer I am with out my antidepressants. I often will wake my partner up with my muffled screaming. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake for a bit just to ensure I don’t fall asleep and go back into the nightmare. There was one night I kept falling back to sleep into the same nightmare for a period of about 3 hours.

A couple of nights ago I had the worst nightmare ever. It was so bad I was trapped in it, it was the scarest experience I have ever had in my life. I have never been so scared in my life. I kept tryng to force myself to wake up and eventually succeeded. But it was so traumatic the nightmare, I was fighting my body trying to stay awake and I was convinced that the thinking I was awake was a trap and that I was still in impending danger. I have never experienced sleep parylsis, but what I felt seems possibly like that. I was afraid to move, afraid to talk and even afraid to try wake my partner up. It all felt like a trap. Like I was being tricked into thinking I was awake but they were still out to get me, the people in my nightmare. I legit thought I was going to die in this nightmare and I was convinced it was real and I was going to die. When I was awake, it seemed like I was still partly in REM sleep, as my eyes were doing this weird speedy blinking thing, like that which they do when you are in REM sleep. I had to force myself not to close my eyes. As it felt like my mind was trying to get me back into the nightmare. I know I already said this, but I have never been so scared!

I did get my medication a couple of days ago, but I am still suffering some of the side effects. I still feel ill, still being vommitting, have a slight headache, can’t eat much that will stay down. I’ve also been so tired all of the time.

The problem with withdrawal and how fast all those symptoms return that lead you to needing antidepressants return, is that you no longer know if you are still unwell or not. Also, the fear of relapse and the horrible withdrawal makes you shit scared of even trying to get off them.

Venlafaxine definitely does the job of helping me cope and does take the edge off everything. I wouldn’t say it is a cure all. I do appreciate that you are still able to feel your emotions and still feel like ‘YOU’. But it doesn’t by any stretch of imagination stop me getting depressed, getting suicidal, feeling anxious or getting overwhelmed. It does take the edge off all of that.

I knew nightmares was a common theme on Venlafaxine and came to discover they are common if you miss doses. I wasn’t aware though, how common knowledge all the other shitty symptoms are. Especially when it comes to talking to pharmasists and GP’s.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine who had a partner who used to be on Venlafaxine and he was telling me what hell she went through trying to come off this. And she did it by the book and the way your GP will tell you to come off it and cut it down slowly. She experienced horrific nightmares, intense emotions, suidical desires.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place with Venlafaxine. Like do I ever dare risk trying to come off it? Will I cope? Can I cope? As I NEVER want to repeat last weeks experience with that nightmare I mentioned earlier.

I actually can not handle going through that again. And the toll it takes on you is horrible. Sleep is not restful at all at those times. It seems like no matter how much you sleep, you never get caught up. I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling ill as, constantly tired and feeling so crap.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! Between being tearful, ultra sensitive and just irritable and agro.

While I was waiting to see the GP on Monday I was getting so over waiting. The GP was running 1/2 an hour late and I was getting pissy that I was not told they were that behind. I was going between wanting to cry for no reason, feeling panicked and distressed just because someones young son was crying. I would want to just walk out at times as I found it hard to just sit there with all my feelings. I was getting so fucked off having to wait. I was so relieved when I finally got to see the GP. As I was getting very aggitated by her running late.

I have done a small amount of research of venlafaxine withdrawal and I never knew how common it is to feel all this withdrawal hell. In fact I saw an image on Pinterest that way titled “Venlafaxine Withdrawal Hell”. That’s a very accurate description for sure.

I do sometimes feel pressure from some people in my life who are anti medication to get off meds. But also I push the fact maybe they just need to accept that I might always need to be on antidepressants and that should be ok.

The GP said to me regarding my concern over whether I might be ok mentally without medication and that the withdrawals, at least wait until I am feeling more stable before exploring that, which makes sense.

I have not blogged for ages it seems. I just don’t allow myself the time to sit down and blog. I always have that anxiety there is something else I should be doing. Or I just don’t have the motivation to even try.

Anyway, still feeling pretty nauseous, so might go eat some food.

Thanks for reading 🙂

2019

It’s been quite some time since I blogged last. I honestly can’t remember how long.

Like usual, I’ve been wanting to blog a lot more and had the desire to, but not the motivation. I’m not very good at just taking time out to do these things. I don’t know why, but I always feel like I need to be doing something and have a lot of trouble just taking time for myself.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned this before, but I discovered last year some time that I have sleep apnea. Which definitely does not help my energy levels or motivation. I do need to probably have a talk to a GP about it and see what helps with it.

I have decided in the last few days to switch to the Paleo way of eating. I have been wanting to try this way of eating before, but I didn’t really know enough about it. I watched the second season of The Paleo Way (I think that’s what it’s called) on Netflix recently. So now I have a lot more of an education on the subject. I also made a point of searching up Paleo meals online and bookmarking some good, affordable meal options. I also got a couple of books out from the library. One is called ‘The Paleo Diet – Food Your Body was Designed to Eat’ and ‘Modern Caveman – The Complete Paleo Lifestyle Handbook’. The first book is more on what you can and can’t eat and the second book is a more comprehensive book, that covers the subject a lot more thoroughly. This kind of eating definitely makes a lot of sense. I do feel it is important to really understand why it is beneficial. As I would imagine some people may be curious about it, so knowledge on the subject is definitely a plus.

My mental health has been through ups and downs since I blogged last. I have had really low points where I have honestly wanted to take my own life and have wanted to self harm. Thankfully I have not done either. I just get really overwhelmed with stress to a point I just can not function and I can not see a way out. Yeah, things do get better. It’s just hard remembering that when you are in distress. I think I have been feeling a lot more depressed and overwhelmed a lot of the time since I blogged last. At the moment I’m feeling ok though. Yesterday I found myself actually feeling hopeful, positive and motivated. Which for me is extremely rare.

I have caused some of the stress myself, by making bad decisions with money and get us into stress on and off with money and overdue debts. I am hoping I am over that self sabotaging behaviour.

FML!

FML (Fuck My Life) is the perfect way to describe how I feel lately.

Just stressed in a few areas. And I feel so crap all the time.

I have felt like self harming a few times, but thankfully haven’t and have had a few fleeting desires suicide wise.

My energy levels are like non-existent. I have no energy! I feel tired all the time! And I have no idea why.

I do need to go to the GP, but I owe over $50 and I don’t think they let you make an appointment when your debt is over $45 and it’s been in debt for over a month. Also I’m pessimistic of whether I will be taken seriously, based on previous experience. I feel I get fobbed off, when really I need to be taken seriously and I need the GP to look into what the issue is causing this low energy and constant low mood.

I’m SO moody, grumpy, sensitive, irritable, emotional and just a bloody mess! I can hardly bear myself and I have no idea how anyone else can deal with me. It feels like how I react isn’t even a conscious thing. I’ll react and then think to myself, why am I reacting like that?

I feel like it’s hormonal, physical and mental. I definitely feel effected in all those areas.

I was talking to my partner about how I wish I could just get drunk, just so as to feel something other then utter crap. And I cried just talking about it. My emotions are so on edge. I feel for him, having to deal with me at the moment. It can’t be easy.

I have definitely found the school holidays that are about to finish, very difficult. I just feel like I have not had the energy for the kids and found my tolerance quite low at times. It was quite hard when my oldest daughter was here, seeing her level of anxiety. It can’t be easy for her. And from what I’ve read from her carers, things are really difficult for her with them and at high school. I would like to try get her back in my care. But I feel like I’d need to secure a bigger place and be closer to family location wise.

I feel like some of my physical health problems are effecting my energy and aggravating other physical health problems. Like I feel like coming up to ‘that time of month’ I get a little constipated and going number 2’s aggravates my cervix, causing my cervical prolapse to become worth, which then causes bleeding before ‘that time of month’ and my cervix prolapsing aggravates the nerves in my back, causing back pain. And I already get the back pain during ‘that time of month’ any way. Then I am drained with ‘that time of month’ and PMSing during that time too. It feels like PMS all day, every day! I will be SO angry if I go to the GP eventually and I get no answers. This is NOT living! This is existing and that sux!

Bills. Oh they suck! You get on top of some and then before you can relax, another and it’s somehow overdue already! If it wasn’t for my repairs and buying mobiles, tablets/iPads or iPods for cheap and selling for a profit, things would be so much worse.

There is a really well priced office for rent in Stoke, but the issue is, where do we come up with the extra $50 a week to pay for that and also, power for it. I really like it and the location, but how to make it happen? As I feel like I don’t have enough work to afford it. But it’s like a double edged sword, like I shouldn’t forever put opportunities on hold, but also, I don’t have enough work yet. I wish I could have a home office. I like the idea of a small business loan, but is it affordable? And where would be affordable and can I earn enough to pay it back and is it a realistic option? I don’t feel like it would need to be a very big loan, just enough to get stock and advertising material, but only necessary, as in like flag/banner or sign. Something that you only have to pay for once.

So far advertising wise, I have 2 car magnets, a bumper sticker on my car and got 250 business cards printed for my business. I must say, loving Vistaprint prices!

Argh! I get so stressed when I’ve got things for sale and I get people enquiring, but no-one buying. Or asking to buy, then mucking me around and not buying.

I don’t look forward to going to bed at night or sleep. As it’s like, yay, lets have a sleep, only to wake up and still feel tired ALL THE TIME!

Ok, I think I’ve done enough venting now. I think I might drink a coffee…at nearly 10:30pm, just because.

Thanks for reading and following to those of you who follow my blog. I’m sorry there’s not a lot of positive much of the time, but yeah, I’m being real. I wish things were better 😦

I Don’t Want Anyone to Know How I Really Feel

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

Where my head is at

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Learning new things

It’s great when you learn something new.  Yeah it’s slightly embarrassing when it’s something that in reality makes sense, but you hadn’t clicked to the particular fact yet.

Off the subject. Man, it’s so much easier to write my post on my android mobile. I was rather excited when I got an email from WordPress telling my it’s now available for Android. Of course I totally had to download it.

Anyway, back to my post. So I was under the impression that if I stuck to between 1400-1600 calories per day, I’d lose weight, no matter what I ate. I thought, well if it’s all up under 1600, then I can eat whatever.  I felt quite silly and embarrassed when I found out this wasn’t the case. But may I add, the few people who informed me about how wrong I was, didn’t need to be friggen rude about telling me I was wrong.  Nor should they have given me shit for what I had been eating.  I mean, come on, clearly I felt silly when I realized this simple fact, but they didn’t need to be bitches about it!

I can almost certainly guarantee, I’m not the only person who thought the same (about the eating whatever under 1600 calories I mean)  Gosh there are some insensitive people online!

So yeah, now I know the correct facts, I know I should do my best to avoid the junk.

I’ve been pretty good with the healthy eating since I learnt this truth. And yay, the scales rewarded me!  I’m now sitting on 60 kgs, which makes me feel more positive.  And yeah, I know my happiness shouldn’t be so tied in with my weight, body or dress size.  That’s something I have to work on.  I think where it comes from is, firstly, spending a huge chunk of my life as a very slim female, who never had to worry about her weight or her diet.  Having to be mindful of what I eat has always been hard for me, since my metabolism became my enemy back in 1999.

Firstly when this happened and I had a prick for a boyfriend, who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t for 2 years, I developed Bulimia.  Which I guess, isn’t surprising, when your dick of a boyfriend tells you you’re fat for 2 years!  If you are told something enough and you have low self esteem, you’ll eventually start to believe it.  Fact is, I wasn’t overweight, but, yes, I guess I did gain some weight in those 2 years.  About 12 kgs.  But how was I to know my metabolism was slowing down and I could no longer eat what I liked.  The weight went on rather fast.  So I eventually discovered I didn’t have super awesome metabolism anymore. 

I did eventually leave that prick of a boyfriend and after about a year, totally stopped binging and purging.  But I found adding weight and expanding in my first pregnancy, very hard to handle.  I did want to purge on several occasions, but thankfully never did.

I lost the baby weight from that pregnancy quite fast, so for a good few years, my weight wasn’t an issue. 

Unfortunately, that always seems to be the case when I’m single.  I’m quite good at remaining slim.  So when I get into a long term relationship, I always seem to gain weight.  Well … that’s what I always thought.  I’ve now worked out it’s because I wasn’t on contraception when I was single.  Just used condoms.  So whenever I get into a long term relationship, I go back on contraception and gain weight.  Though, it never helps your efforts to stay healthy when your partner buys and eats the unhealthy stuff.

So yeah, I’m kind of not used to requiring this much discipline and needing to watch what I eat.  So sometimes I just go fuck it and give up on being sensible for short bursts and that sabotages my weight loss.  I’m trying my best to break this bad habit.  There’s always this part of me, packing a tantrum and saying to myself “it’s not fair!  I should be able to eat whatever I like and stay slim!”  And yeah, I have major envy of people I know who have that luxury. 

I’m so used to putting things in the ‘too hard basket’ and giving up.  So actually sticking at this whole weight loss thing for so long, is very different for me.  So I do encounter some resistance from myself during  this journey.

The other reason I’m such a hardout about getting to my goal weight and fitting my clothes is about health.  When I weigh more, I’m generally less fit, less active and don’t feel at my best.  So what I see in the mirror when I’ve gained a few sizes, is evidence of my bad choices and what I see, is not a healthy body.  I just see the fat, as unhealthy.  So yeah, I’m not happy if I don’t look and feel healthy.

Also, when I’m feeling so down about my body, it’s just a symptom of something deeper going on.  It’s just the presenting symptom of the underlying issues.  That’s why I lose the plot and get quite depressed. 

For me it’s generally because I’ve come to breaking point, due to several other issues.  Which can vary in the combination.  Generally it’s stuff like, low energy, difficult children, not enough ‘me’ time, not enough socializing, bad eating, little or no exercise, consistently bad weather, too much time indoors and well, PMS is never my friend either.  Some of those things I can control and some I can’t.  It seems, if I’ve spent too much time in this downward spiral of depression, it’s much harder to find my way out of it. 

I know being on contraception never helps.  But I’d prefer my partner to be in agreement, if I were to get my tubes tied.  As, all other non-hormonal contraceptives are unfortunately not an option for me. 

I just want to say, if I appear to be excessively moody, snappy or bitchy, I’ve usually got PMS or my period.  So please don’t take offense if I’m harsh or snappy.  As I have trouble controlling my emotions during those times.  Seems they tend to have more control over me then I do at those times. 

That’s all.  I’m now very tired.  Must sleep.