Tag Archive: drained


I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

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Support

The lady from mental health crisis line was asking me about it. As in, do I have much support.

Well, honestly, if it’s support I can access, honestly and fearing non-judgement. No I do not have any such support close by anyway.

I have a supportive few people at a distance, as in, other parts of NZ or at least an hour or so away.

But I don’t feel I have support that is there whenever I might need to call on it.

Only such thing is those helplines you can call.

Not an actual person I can go see.

I have friends who are supportive. But their lives have become quite busy more recently and they are not always available or in a position to be there for me.

There are people I can text or chat to online when they are available. I have 1 friend who lives a good hour away. And the other, well she lives in Christchurch and I can only call in the evenings.

I do not feel that supported at home. I feel I am expected to do too much. Though I do get some support. As in, my fiance helps gets the kids up and fed in the morning and cooks dinner at night. But on the weekend, when I’d love to just try relax, I am expected to do everything still.

He makes me feel, by his attitude that he thinks my role is easy. And because he works hard, I need to appreciate that, which I do by the way and I tell him that.

He thinks I have it easy. Though I tell him, no, it’s not just physically draining, but mentally draining too.

People say, tell him how you feel. Which I do. Doesn’t change anything.

I tell him, if just once, I could get some appreciation or acknowledgement for what I do, do, that would be great.

I don’t need to hear it often. But I do need to hear it. I do need to feel appreciated and I need it to be acknowledged. Instead of brushed off like it’s nothing. Like it’s so easy.

Clearly, it’s not SO easy.

If it were, I wouldn’t lose the plot several times a year.

It is draining going between, anger, depression, despair, discontent and frustration. Getting through it all and then going through it again and again.

I’m not like every bloody, body else!

I don’t cope, where others might. I can’t just snap my fingers and be all better and just snap out of these down times.

I do need support. Practical support, emotional support. I need to feel supported!

I don’t have family anywhere near me and that leaves a big gap/void.

I do all I can to try access support and put myself in positions to gain support, but it’s still lacking.

It has been very hard for me recently. As I had been sick and drained and in pain for near 2 weeks. And that has taken it’s toll on my mental health. Which is understandable. I mean, when you are less then 100% health wise for a significant period, it will take it’s toll.

I haven’t had social interaction in 2 weeks or more. And that has been bloody hard. But I was tired and unwell, so I wasn’t exactly up to going and visiting anyway. Though a visit would’ve been nice.

As you will know if you read my blog. Too little social interaction = Kelly getting depressed.

Today, I was so over everything.

I may be anti self harm and discourage that option. But in all honestly, that thought did cross my mind. Only reason I didn’t act on it, was lack of energy and thankfully that means lack of motivation. Which meant, I couldn’t be bothered getting anything sharp to inflict pain.

I was feeling frustrated and angry and so over everything and wanted to go around and kick walls and such. But my fiance was home and I didn’t want him hassling me/judging me for losing the plot.

I want to get away. I want time out. I want time away. But, I actually have no-where I could go to escape anyway.

As in, I usually like to go to a friends. But in the evenings, that’s not really a possibility. Because my friends have kids too and are generally having family time. Lucky them, they have happy family lives.

And I end up isolated, due to feeling like, if I do leave the house too often or for a bit, my fiance is going to have a sulk about it.

Now that’s not very supportive, is it?!

That’s all I have to say tonight. Need sleep.

Facade

Well, I’ll admit, though I knew the word facade, I didn’t actually know how to spell it. I spent a good few minutes trying to write it, how it sounded, but in the end, had to go to good old google and type it into an online dictionary to find out.

I found it an appropriate word to describe what many of us do. We put up a false facade. A facade that says, all is good, everything is fine, I am coping.

…when…reality is, we are not.

Earlier I rung the mental health 0800 number and I am actually really glad I called the mental health number and had a chat to them.

They pretty much, acknowledged what most men don’t. Which is that, our job as Mum’s(whether full-time or part-time) is very exhausting and draining, in many ways. Such as emotionally, physically and in general. And that we do A LOT for our children/child. And often get no acknowledgement for that.

That the way I have been feeling, is very common among mothers. From what they hear again and again, from mothers who will admit to not coping and don’t put up the facade that all is well.

That the anxiety and exhaustion and general feeling of being SO over it all, is not uncommon either.

That we DO need time out from our mothering duties.

I so wanted to cry while I was talking to her. As so much of what she was saying hit home and was so true and exactly how I was feeling, even though I didn’t know so at the time.

This is something I felt inspired to write after thinking about this all and having this chat earlier.

“Do not put a facade up, that all is well, when it’s truly not.

Tell someone if you are in pain emotionally.

Reach out.

You’ll be glad you did, no matter how hard that first step is”

Yeah, so I’d say, that describes me somewhat. I sometimes, though not realizing it. Put up a facade. Because, I get so over the not coping. I spent so much time in Annabelle’s first year or so, not coping and not feeling so shit hot. So naturally, I do not welcome those, not so positive feelings. I want to be rid of them. I don’t want them as part of my life.

I got desperate a few weeks ago and took 2 whole anti-depressants! Yeah that’s kind of a piss take. As 2 anti-depressants is actually a normal dose for most people. 2-3 I have heard. Yet I used to only be on 1. But that’s not my point. The point was, I was just not coping and snappy and anxious and generally over feeling so crap. So I felt desperate and took them. Thinking, well they might not be so bad, they’ll calm me down at least. And maybe, the side effects won’t be so bad.

…yeah, nah!!!

Those innocent 2 tablets. Though they did calm me down. They also made me extremely nauseous and I threw up everything I ate for 2 days and the exhaustion they caused, lasted a whole week! So yeah, not going down that road again!

It’s because I’d run out of my trusty 30 Plus tablets a few weeks ago and couldn’t afford anymore. So I was left to cope with myself, without any form of medication.

So yeah, also not keen to let myself run out of the 30 Plus tablets again. As, unfortunately, no matter how good my attitude or health or diet, I still seem to go back to not coping so well.

Gah, I hate it! I hate that I still manage to get back to that place I so hate. I so don’t like being in that place. Could be worse though. It’s not like I’m anything like I was when I suffered with severe PND. I am much better in so many ways in comparison.

It just totally sux, that I have a really good day, one day and then the next, I feel like that.

It’s not totally school holidays to blame. Though it partly is. For some reason, I come unhinged around the school holidays. I think it’s just maybe something that happens, slowly, over a period of months and that happens to coincide with school holidays. So it’s not the school holidays, but the extra demands on me during the school holidays just effect my ability to cope. As there’s more required of me then.

Apparently the constant fatigue I have may not in fact be any medical condition. …Unless you call being a full time Mum a medical condition LOL! Apparently it’s a normal state to dwell in if you are a Mum.

And an update on the weight loss/diet. That’s going…ok…I guess. I have been a bit unhealthy with my diet lately and totally slack on the exercise front.

I wonder if I might be doing that unconscious self-sabotaging again. As I got to within 2 kgs of my goal weight and seem to have gone a bit inconsistent on it all again and gained a little. But to be fair, not a lot. Only 1.9kgs over my lowest weight so far.

I dunno, maybe it’s just me feeling a little relaxed, due to feeling a bit more ok about my body. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

That’s all for now. I have no idea if anyone still has time to read my blog, but hey. At least it’s here if it wants to be read and at least I’m getting stuff off my chest. Which is good for me anyway.