Tag Archive: self doubt


I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Just thought I would share

I have been thinking about creating a meetup group on the meetup website for a while now. But was hesitant. As there is another group on there which is similar and I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to take away from what they are doing.

But I decided, well there are only good motives for me creating this group and there is nothing wrong with having more support out there for those who suffer from mental illness. So I have done it, I have created a group.

It’s for people in Wellington, New Zealand.

Here is the link: http://www.meetup.com/Like-Minds-Support/

I must admit, I kept second guessing myself and thinking, should I bother, should I take this big step and create this group, can I handle the responsibility. So I decided ok, stop second guessing and just do it. And felt quite happy about my decision. Then lay in bed last night thinking, hmm, was it a good idea, can I handle it. Simply because I think way too far ahead and was thinking, well what happens when I’m more pregnant and more exhausted. How will I cope with it all. But I figure, I will give it a try and if I find the group just doesn’t take off after a good 6 months, I can just scrap it.

Oh, another thing, I have finally got to over 100 posts now. Yay me! I think this is post 101 if I am correct.

Inner Critic

We all have one and some are nastier then others and some are quieter and some are louder.

What promoted me to blog on this subject was an article in Good Health Magazine(NZ)

Others may know the inner critic as our ‘Internal Dialogue’

It’s pretty much something we developed through our youth and was molded by how we were treated by important influences in life, such as family, friends and/or teachers.

So, if we were treated pretty respectably and in an encouraging manner, our inner critic will be quieter and less harsh.

And if we were treated more unkindly, more discouraged, more insulted and less supported, our inner critic will be quite loud and more harsh and affect our thinking and actions more so.

I know my inner critic was molded in the less positive way and therefore, I have had many struggles in my life, with such things as self doubt, self respect, self love, self esteem and confidence.

I think I am definitely improving in this area. But it made me think.

Think about what my inner critic might be telling me at times and how this effects my choices and how I can challenge it’s attacks.

I think this might be able to be categorized under the areas of Mindfulness and Self Awareness. As work in these 2 areas can benefit us and help us to become more aware of our internal dialogue and work to improve things for ourselves.

Not sure what more to say on this subject. Just felt it was a worthwhile subject to write about and provoke thinking about.

For those of you who go on PND thread on OB, you’d have read this. But for those who haven’t, I just copied and pasted what I wrote on there.

I find depression comes in waves. And it can be, calm, calm, calm and then the storm. That rocks you and then eventually it’s becomes calm again. But it’s hard to ride through the storms.

I think a big problem with PND, is we get lost in life, the day to day and trying to manage everything. And we really, really need time, either just alone or with a good friend, but only a good friend who really get’s it.

I just find sometimes, when it’s all feeling a bit much, I just want to be alone and maybe as I’m calming down, but still fragile, I need to be around a good friend. As DP’s/DF’s/DH’s are great and all, but they don’t have the same connection as good friends. And that’s ok. It’s ok if they are you ‘best friend’ and lover in life and it’s ok that they can’t be everything to us all of the time. They do plenty as our partner in life, but I think, they can’t be it all. That is why we have friends and need friends. My friends are invaluable. I would be lost without them.

Also, though your relationship maybe awesome with the man in your life, that doesn’t necessarily mean everything else sound be perfect of fall into place, even if that area lacks nothing. As it really is hard, when you either become a 1st time parent or 2nd or 3rd and have to manage either, just you, your relationship and a new baby or you, your relationship, other children and yourself.

We get really stretched with all those things we have to manage. Then thrown in there can be, financial stress, un-settled baby, feeling out of our depth, lack of sleep/disrupted sleep, traumatic birth or simply one that didn’t going according to ‘the plan’, managing and maintaining the household and losing who ‘we’ are in all this.

I feel this big shift of things, can cause us to have a major identity crisis and get so lost amongst it all.

We asking things like:

Who am I in all this?
Where do I fit in all of this?
Who am I now, really, after being a mother and a lover?
Where is the meaning in life?
What about me?
Do I even matter? Do I even factor?
Am I invisible? …as it sure as hell can feel like that sometimes!
Why is no-one acknowledging me and all I do?
Am I just a failure?

And maybe you catch yourself thinking. Surely I must be some kind of failure, as all these others women I see are managing, coping, calm and it all seems so effortless with them. I must be a failure. I ‘should’ be happy.

‘Should’ is a very punishing word. It makes you feel like a failure if you think, speak in ‘should’s’ often. It’s like the lady who took the PND support group I went to said, “the word ‘should’, is like someone standing there cracking the whip at you”.

Simply, sometimes the day to day running of the household, simply is too much for us, in our periods of PND. Even the simple tasks are a chore and an effort. And if you try and force yourself to keep the household running perfectly and as you expect it should be run, you can just dig yourself into a hole and put too many expectations on yourself and when you’re not really at a place where you are coping, this makes things worse, as it causes more stress. I did, literally as advised, leave the dishes and the housework, as it’ll still be there later and there are at least ‘some’ supportive and helpful people in our lives who will help us out with those things. As, I am important, you are important. You do need to come first! But with PND and the big shift it many areas of your life, everyone else comes first and we come last and there lies the problem. Not surprising if you look at it like that, that we do get depressed.

Medication does help a lot of people, not all, but most people. Sometimes it’s just all you need to get the wheels in motion and once things are in motion and much more balanced, then you really must, work on getting to the core of the problem. Because, it’s never as simple and as straight forward as, having a baby and chemicals and hormones getting imbalanced. Medication alone, is never enough. I can testify to that. Counseling to me, in my life was vital and a huge factor in getting to where I am today. And I still have a fair way to go, but I’m on the way forward.

Diet for me, does help, as does exercise, as does knowing I am supported and have support. Having friends who really, really ‘get’ me helps, so, so very much!

Having a helpful, supportive man in your life is great. Though I’ll admit, sometimes I don’t really appreciate him like I should and I do bitch and moan at him a bit and go off at him in times of stress.

I know those of you who have unhelpful men, must have it a whole heap harder. And I’m so proud of you for being strong and sticking around and living through this crap, even if it is that you are barely holding on. Fact is, that you are holding on and you are still here, so you are strong. Same goes for those of you who do have great men in your life, but still have this struggle. You are all awesome and strong and I love knowing you all and I love sharing with you all and supporting you all.