Venlafaxine/Effexor XR…. Withdrawal is HELL!!!

So on a few occasions in the past I’ve made the mistake of missing a few doses of my antidepressant, which is Venlafaxine. I don’t miss doses intentionally, as I have had the GP say many times, try not to let this happen again.

It seems any time I have missed a few doses, the side effects get worse each time. The nightmares I must say are most definitely the worse part. They are so disturbing and distressing. Then I end up not wanting to go to sleep because I get anxious at the prospect of having more nightmares.

The side effects I have found the worst are the constant nausea, vommitting, headaches, upset stomach and of course those nightmares. I end up not being able to keep my food down a fair amount of the time and end up in the toilet soon after eating. The nightmares tend to get worse and worse the longer I am with out my antidepressants. I often will wake my partner up with my muffled screaming. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake for a bit just to ensure I don’t fall asleep and go back into the nightmare. There was one night I kept falling back to sleep into the same nightmare for a period of about 3 hours.

A couple of nights ago I had the worst nightmare ever. It was so bad I was trapped in it, it was the scarest experience I have ever had in my life. I have never been so scared in my life. I kept tryng to force myself to wake up and eventually succeeded. But it was so traumatic the nightmare, I was fighting my body trying to stay awake and I was convinced that the thinking I was awake was a trap and that I was still in impending danger. I have never experienced sleep parylsis, but what I felt seems possibly like that. I was afraid to move, afraid to talk and even afraid to try wake my partner up. It all felt like a trap. Like I was being tricked into thinking I was awake but they were still out to get me, the people in my nightmare. I legit thought I was going to die in this nightmare and I was convinced it was real and I was going to die. When I was awake, it seemed like I was still partly in REM sleep, as my eyes were doing this weird speedy blinking thing, like that which they do when you are in REM sleep. I had to force myself not to close my eyes. As it felt like my mind was trying to get me back into the nightmare. I know I already said this, but I have never been so scared!

I did get my medication a couple of days ago, but I am still suffering some of the side effects. I still feel ill, still being vommitting, have a slight headache, can’t eat much that will stay down. I’ve also been so tired all of the time.

The problem with withdrawal and how fast all those symptoms return that lead you to needing antidepressants return, is that you no longer know if you are still unwell or not. Also, the fear of relapse and the horrible withdrawal makes you shit scared of even trying to get off them.

Venlafaxine definitely does the job of helping me cope and does take the edge off everything. I wouldn’t say it is a cure all. I do appreciate that you are still able to feel your emotions and still feel like ‘YOU’. But it doesn’t by any stretch of imagination stop me getting depressed, getting suicidal, feeling anxious or getting overwhelmed. It does take the edge off all of that.

I knew nightmares was a common theme on Venlafaxine and came to discover they are common if you miss doses. I wasn’t aware though, how common knowledge all the other shitty symptoms are. Especially when it comes to talking to pharmasists and GP’s.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine who had a partner who used to be on Venlafaxine and he was telling me what hell she went through trying to come off this. And she did it by the book and the way your GP will tell you to come off it and cut it down slowly. She experienced horrific nightmares, intense emotions, suidical desires.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place with Venlafaxine. Like do I ever dare risk trying to come off it? Will I cope? Can I cope? As I NEVER want to repeat last weeks experience with that nightmare I mentioned earlier.

I actually can not handle going through that again. And the toll it takes on you is horrible. Sleep is not restful at all at those times. It seems like no matter how much you sleep, you never get caught up. I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling ill as, constantly tired and feeling so crap.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! Between being tearful, ultra sensitive and just irritable and agro.

While I was waiting to see the GP on Monday I was getting so over waiting. The GP was running 1/2 an hour late and I was getting pissy that I was not told they were that behind. I was going between wanting to cry for no reason, feeling panicked and distressed just because someones young son was crying. I would want to just walk out at times as I found it hard to just sit there with all my feelings. I was getting so fucked off having to wait. I was so relieved when I finally got to see the GP. As I was getting very aggitated by her running late.

I have done a small amount of research of venlafaxine withdrawal and I never knew how common it is to feel all this withdrawal hell. In fact I saw an image on Pinterest that way titled “Venlafaxine Withdrawal Hell”. That’s a very accurate description for sure.

I do sometimes feel pressure from some people in my life who are anti medication to get off meds. But also I push the fact maybe they just need to accept that I might always need to be on antidepressants and that should be ok.

The GP said to me regarding my concern over whether I might be ok mentally without medication and that the withdrawals, at least wait until I am feeling more stable before exploring that, which makes sense.

I have not blogged for ages it seems. I just don’t allow myself the time to sit down and blog. I always have that anxiety there is something else I should be doing. Or I just don’t have the motivation to even try.

Anyway, still feeling pretty nauseous, so might go eat some food.

Thanks for reading 🙂

My mental health presently

What I feel like I am experiencing, is hypervigilance, hyper arousal, panic disorder, PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), social phobia and depression.

I feel like I’m broken. And this antidepressant is just horrible, I struggle not to throw up and feel on the verge of being sick most of the day, I feel unmotivated and depressed and I still suffer from panic and panic attacks and I feel tired all the time, yet I’m not able to sleep properly.

Yesterday they got me to leave the Psych ward and I am now in a respite house. I kind of felt like I didn’t have a choice in whether to come here or stay in the ward. They pretty much worded it like someone else needs your room urgently, so this is what is happening.

I feel fearful and panicked most of the time. And all I want is to just feel normal again. I want my life back. I just feel so very broken.

I have developed all these intense levels of mental illness that I have never experienced before. This current state and that of the last week, is very severe.

I don’t know the why or how of how this all came to be. But I hate it. I don’t feel like ME anymore. I feel like who I was is gone and I feel like a shell of myself.

I miss my family and I feel like I’ve somewhat abandoned them, even though I see them once a day. Though I haven’t seen my oldest daughter since last Wednesday afternoon.

I’m scared and worried nearly all the time about the future or even the day ahead. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep or rest all the time. But that gets me nowhere.

I have a review tomorrow and that is worrying me.

I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly and I have hardly got an appetite.

Surprise!!!

Yes this certainly is a surprise!

To me, as well as others.

I’m pregnant.

Why is this a surprise. Well, because I was supposed to be getting my tubes tied last week. So this was not planned at all. But clearly this means I am now not getting my tubes tied.

I’ve not really had the energy to come blog since I found out. Which was a few weeks ago.

I’m currently 6wks + 4 days. And all is well with baby. As I had a scan last week and got to see what will resemble a baby more so in weeks to come. Looks more like a bean LOL! And it has a good heartbeat of 120bpm.

So I’m due next year, 8th August 2013.

This baby is making me rather ill though. I’ve had to get some pretty hard out anti-nausea medication to help. As I was being so sick, regularly and feeling pretty miserable. Ending up in tears several times a day. Simply due to being SO drained and feeling weak and really unwell.

With my 1st I only had nausea and no other crappy symptoms and with my 2nd I had nausea and vomiting, but not like this. It was bearable.

Yeah, as you can imagine I have had the good old swings of hormones and emotions. That’s always fun…

Today I have still been particularly unwell, even with taking the anti-nausea tablets.

Hopefully this won’t last all of the first 3 months. As I’d like to actually feel excited, instead of miserable.

The morning sickness and vomiting starting early, at 5 weeks.

I was in shock when I took the test and it was positive. As was my fiance. He tried to blame me, for him not using condoms. Hmm, ok…

He asked what I planned to do. To which I told him, that I’m not willing to screw up my life and mental health and risk losing the plot over something I will forever regret, so we’ll cope. The short story of that, is in reference to the fact that in my late 20’s, when I was single, I had an abortion and that messed up my mental health and has continued to plague me with guilt on and off for years and mental health problems. So yeah, I was not willing to go down that path ever again. The fact I ever went down the path is hard enough, as I was always anti-abortion and I am a Christian. Though, granted, not the best one.

I got suicidal back then. And when I was trying to conceive my youngest, I had to stop trying for a while, due to the guilt and shame and feeling like I didn’t deserve to have another baby, due to that choice back then. And I got pretty depressed back then too.

My reasons for having an abortion years ago were, my mental health, total lack of support, the fact I’d been drinking heavy and taking party pills and knowing my daughter(I only had 1 child back then), whom I was a solo Mum to, would lose out and not have a good time, due to me as her parent, losing the plot and not being able to cope with my situation.

Anyway, enough about that, it’s depressing.

My fiance is no longer in shock. Yay! And has accepted that we are having another baby. And seems to be happy about it.

Still feeling yuck today. So will try take it easy and do as little as possible.