It’s great when you learn something new.  Yeah it’s slightly embarrassing when it’s something that in reality makes sense, but you hadn’t clicked to the particular fact yet.

Off the subject. Man, it’s so much easier to write my post on my android mobile. I was rather excited when I got an email from WordPress telling my it’s now available for Android. Of course I totally had to download it.

Anyway, back to my post. So I was under the impression that if I stuck to between 1400-1600 calories per day, I’d lose weight, no matter what I ate. I thought, well if it’s all up under 1600, then I can eat whatever.  I felt quite silly and embarrassed when I found out this wasn’t the case. But may I add, the few people who informed me about how wrong I was, didn’t need to be friggen rude about telling me I was wrong.  Nor should they have given me shit for what I had been eating.  I mean, come on, clearly I felt silly when I realized this simple fact, but they didn’t need to be bitches about it!

I can almost certainly guarantee, I’m not the only person who thought the same (about the eating whatever under 1600 calories I mean)  Gosh there are some insensitive people online!

So yeah, now I know the correct facts, I know I should do my best to avoid the junk.

I’ve been pretty good with the healthy eating since I learnt this truth. And yay, the scales rewarded me!  I’m now sitting on 60 kgs, which makes me feel more positive.  And yeah, I know my happiness shouldn’t be so tied in with my weight, body or dress size.  That’s something I have to work on.  I think where it comes from is, firstly, spending a huge chunk of my life as a very slim female, who never had to worry about her weight or her diet.  Having to be mindful of what I eat has always been hard for me, since my metabolism became my enemy back in 1999.

Firstly when this happened and I had a prick for a boyfriend, who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t for 2 years, I developed Bulimia.  Which I guess, isn’t surprising, when your dick of a boyfriend tells you you’re fat for 2 years!  If you are told something enough and you have low self esteem, you’ll eventually start to believe it.  Fact is, I wasn’t overweight, but, yes, I guess I did gain some weight in those 2 years.  About 12 kgs.  But how was I to know my metabolism was slowing down and I could no longer eat what I liked.  The weight went on rather fast.  So I eventually discovered I didn’t have super awesome metabolism anymore. 

I did eventually leave that prick of a boyfriend and after about a year, totally stopped binging and purging.  But I found adding weight and expanding in my first pregnancy, very hard to handle.  I did want to purge on several occasions, but thankfully never did.

I lost the baby weight from that pregnancy quite fast, so for a good few years, my weight wasn’t an issue. 

Unfortunately, that always seems to be the case when I’m single.  I’m quite good at remaining slim.  So when I get into a long term relationship, I always seem to gain weight.  Well … that’s what I always thought.  I’ve now worked out it’s because I wasn’t on contraception when I was single.  Just used condoms.  So whenever I get into a long term relationship, I go back on contraception and gain weight.  Though, it never helps your efforts to stay healthy when your partner buys and eats the unhealthy stuff.

So yeah, I’m kind of not used to requiring this much discipline and needing to watch what I eat.  So sometimes I just go fuck it and give up on being sensible for short bursts and that sabotages my weight loss.  I’m trying my best to break this bad habit.  There’s always this part of me, packing a tantrum and saying to myself “it’s not fair!  I should be able to eat whatever I like and stay slim!”  And yeah, I have major envy of people I know who have that luxury. 

I’m so used to putting things in the ‘too hard basket’ and giving up.  So actually sticking at this whole weight loss thing for so long, is very different for me.  So I do encounter some resistance from myself during  this journey.

The other reason I’m such a hardout about getting to my goal weight and fitting my clothes is about health.  When I weigh more, I’m generally less fit, less active and don’t feel at my best.  So what I see in the mirror when I’ve gained a few sizes, is evidence of my bad choices and what I see, is not a healthy body.  I just see the fat, as unhealthy.  So yeah, I’m not happy if I don’t look and feel healthy.

Also, when I’m feeling so down about my body, it’s just a symptom of something deeper going on.  It’s just the presenting symptom of the underlying issues.  That’s why I lose the plot and get quite depressed. 

For me it’s generally because I’ve come to breaking point, due to several other issues.  Which can vary in the combination.  Generally it’s stuff like, low energy, difficult children, not enough ‘me’ time, not enough socializing, bad eating, little or no exercise, consistently bad weather, too much time indoors and well, PMS is never my friend either.  Some of those things I can control and some I can’t.  It seems, if I’ve spent too much time in this downward spiral of depression, it’s much harder to find my way out of it. 

I know being on contraception never helps.  But I’d prefer my partner to be in agreement, if I were to get my tubes tied.  As, all other non-hormonal contraceptives are unfortunately not an option for me. 

I just want to say, if I appear to be excessively moody, snappy or bitchy, I’ve usually got PMS or my period.  So please don’t take offense if I’m harsh or snappy.  As I have trouble controlling my emotions during those times.  Seems they tend to have more control over me then I do at those times. 

That’s all.  I’m now very tired.  Must sleep.

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