Tag Archive: sensitive

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

My reasons for blogging

Well, it pretty much started with blogging about my experience of PND(postnatal depression)

Then onto my experience with Depression.

Then, I found it a good outlet for what goes on in my life and how depression manifests for me, effects me and felt this was all worth sharing.

As, I figured, sometimes we feel alone, unsupported, lost, judged, misunderstood and many other things. And sometimes we feel like we are the only one experiencing all this.

Yet we are not.

If not just to reassure others, that they are not alone. Also to encourage others to share their feelings, seek support and reach out.

To hopefully inspire.

To show, that, even though there are downs, there are ups too and that things can and will improve.

Also, it’s a good place at times for me to vent.

It’s nice to have an outlet.

It is SO good to know we are not alone in our struggles.

I am honest. I am emotional. I am sensitive. I am confident. I am self assured. I am supportive. I am unique. I am flawed. I am imperfect.

Also, I can find it very insightful and helpful to look back and reflect and try and pinpoint any triggers or strategies. In hopes to avoid downward spirals or at least, if I can not avoid them, get myself out of them sooner.

Now, on another important subject. Support.

I felt at times it was lacking, when I tried to access it. But I have kept trying to find others who are willing to be a support to me and hopefully I can return the favor and through persistence and perseverance, I have managed to find some more such people.

Thank you to those of you who are such great supports to me. You are invaluable and I appreciate you immensely.

Honestly. I have been going through a bit of a period of not coping.

Usually these periods pass, but this one has not as yet. 

It generally takes a certain period of time for me to realize it’s one of those periods that is not a passing one. As I usually give myself the grace of a week and generally this feeling does pass.

It is saddening the feeling of being overwhelmed by life and not coping.

Feeling like you are starting to lose the plot and like there is no demise.

Often, I do just want to runaway. But I know I have responsibilities and that is not a reality I can embrace.

Feeling so angry, so sensitive, so easily upset.

I don’t ask for help much. But I did ask for help today and I’m glad my darling fiancee came through for me and could come home and at least just be here with me.

So yes, I may have trouble asking for help when I need it the most. But please, don’t follow this example and do ask for help. Like from me, I am more then happy to help and be there for you. I am better at that, then practicing what I preach on myself.

I don’t think I have been very good at looking after myself, as I usually do. I just feel burnt out emotionally. I have been way too anti-social. 

I am not wanting advice on how to improve my situation. I am doing my best. I have been

practicing ways to look after myself mostly. But sometimes, life is a bit much and we are allowed to have these down times and not be persecuted for them, like it’s our doing, our attitude or some area we are lacking in, that is the reason for this. Some of us are just more emotional beings then others and that is why this can be our experience, not because we lack in any way. Attitude, outlook or otherwise.
I did in fact post all of that above on my facebook profile.  As I wanted to share where I have been at honestly.  
Sometimes I can be a bit of a closed book about my struggles, down times and emotional state. While other times I am an open book.  
I try to be an open book as much as possible.  Though at the same time, making sure I protect myself from anyone taking advantage of my kindness or fragile state.
I like to encourage people to be honest about similar things.  As I know how much it can help to let all this out.  And I must admit, I do like being that person others can turn to.  It’s makes me feel privileged and significant.
I have found the lack of social interaction did catch up with me and bite me in the ass.  
I thought I was ok with my own company.  And to an extent I was.  But then, I spent too long in my own company and as a result got a bit isolated and my emotional state ended up suffering.
It’s been hard not having an Anxiety Group meet up that suited, to go to for quite some time.  I think it’s been a few months.
But I have appreciated having my new friendship with Sarah and being able to chat with her and hang out with her and I love how we both really get what each other is going through.  And seem to be at similar places in our lives.  
She is the only person I reached out to, with all my honesty about my feelings lately and how I really honestly have felt.  And I really appreciate that I have her in my life and she is someone I can share these things with, in the knowledge I am totally accepted and understood.
People like her are real gems.  And in this life, they are few.  So I feel blessed to know her.
So, I went to the doctor today.  And me being me.  I only go when I have pretty much lost feelings of hope and am feeling rather in despair and feeling unable to suck it up and cope.
The doctor was really good.  He listened intently.  He acknowledged every concern I had.  He was just very good and compassionate.  Which are qualities that way too often lack in many doctors.
He gave me some Vitamin D, which should help.  Gave me some great advice.  Validated my concerns.  And asked if I minded taking a test, to determine the severity of my depression.  And I answered it happily and honestly.  I was actually expecting a result of maybe moderate depression. As I guess I play it down, how badly I think I am suffering.  But I actually got a result of severe depression.  Which I guess makes sense.  Considering how low I have been feeling and the feelings of despair.  And the passing desire to self-harm yesterday, I always know that’s not a good symptom.
He had another doctor or something sitting in on his consultation with me.  Which I had okayed anyway.  As I think maybe he is a new doctor.  As in, this is his first job after qualifying possibly. She just pretty much listened to his response and recommendations for me and what I had to say and at the end, suggested anything he should maybe re-think or suggest.  Which was quite good. She also has a lot of knowledge on the subject of Vitamin D and was more then happy for me to be given a supplement for that.
I came away from the doctor actually feeling quite satisfied for once.  And heard and validated.  As often I go away from consultations thinking, why did I even bother?!  
I think the sign of a good and professional doctor is empathy, compassion and a doctor who has the ability  to alleviate your concerns and work with you to come up with solutions.
The doctor suggested coming back in a few weeks, after I’ve had the tubal ligation and see where things are at with me.
It’s been hard for me not seeing my Psychologist for nearly a month.  Unfortunately due to the days and times I can get my youngest daughter looked after, I have not been able to find a time slot available at Psychologist lately.  So I don’t have another appointment til next week. 
I am feeling quite a bit happier after taking the Vitamin D tablet.  So clearly that was an area I was lacking in.
Hopefully my energy levels increase soon and I start feeling happier.
I think I may be a little more sensitive emotionally at the moment due to the PMS recently while I had my monthly visitor(period) and because I am getting the tubal ligation next week.  I mean shit, it is a very final, permanent procedure.  It’s normal to feel a bit apprehensive about it.
Right, I think that is all for now.  Off to bed now.