Tag Archive: joy

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

today, has been a good day :-)

Finally, I can sit here and say, that today has been a good day!

I may have had the odd grumpy moment, but that hasn’t fazed me.

I get to see my parents tomorrow, who live in Australia.  They’re in Wellington for the day.  I do really miss them.  I am so glad to be seeing them tomorrow.  I just wish it could’ve been for longer.

Went to my counsellor for the 2nd time today.  That was really good.  Didn’t feel as anxious this time.  Felt a lot more at ease and comfortable.  Talked over a good few things that are bothering me.

Finally I think I see a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel I’ve been trapped in for nearly a year!  Hope is in sight.  The way I’ve been feeling for nearly a year, I was starting to think I’d never get over this period of depression.  That I was just permanently stuck with it and it would be my life from then on.  It’s a pleasant, yet weird sensation feeling some joy and happiness.  So not used to it.

I’m slightly clucky.  But no, I’m not going to go about doing anything about that.  I think it’s just due to some mums from my due date forum being pregnant and having a few friends and family who are expecting.  I’ll just borrow their babies once they arrive.  That should keep the cluckiness at bay.  And simply, the fear of doing it all again one day, is scary.  Just due to this really bad PND that I have suffered for so long.  I’m just so damn scared it would happen again and worse.  But now I know what to do differently.

I think if we ever got our financial situation sorted, that too would lift a HUGE weight of our shoulders and that would help alleviate a lot of stress.

I sent my older sister an email last week, in response to the email she sent, which I posted on here.  I thought I’d been quite honest, yet considerate with my response, but it seems I hurt her feelings.  So it appears I’m wrong about her being insensitive.  Apparently she is sensitive too.  I guess it’s just that it manifests differently in her, so I wouldn’t have recognized it.  And gee, shit, who’d have known that something I could say would actually get to her so much.  I wasn’t meaning to attack her, that was not my intention, yet she felt attacked.  I just thought she was quite confident and sure of herself and didn’t think she could/would be effected by anything I said.

I am coping better with Sophie these days, even if she does still have some misbehaviour and Annabelle is awesome, but cheeky!  She knowingly does stuff while she knows she’s not supposed to and gets rather amused by that fact.  She’s so cute!  Such a darling little girl!  So is Sophie.  Sophie’s a little darling.  And I’m really happy she has a new friend in our neighborhood.  It’s good to see her enjoying another child’s company and vice versa.

…..even if they do go about making her room look like a bomb site!

I have really been enjoying my new medicine.  Which is laughter.  It’s free and natural and awesome!  I’ve been watching a bit of comedy lately and it’s been doing me a world of good, just relaxing and laughing out loud.  I think I should keep comedy/humour in my life.  It’s so good for me.

Ok, it’s now 2 mins past midnight and I have to be up by 7:30am.  So I best get to bed.