Tag Archive: suffering


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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Why oh why?!

Why oh why, does my depression fool me into thinking it’s improving and then, bam, the next day it’s back with a vengeance!

Sunday, was doing well.

Monday, was falling apart.

But that was due to it being the 32nd anniversary of my Dad’s death. Though my downward spiral mental health wise made it an even harder day I feel.

I was on the edge of tears all day yesterday. If not in tears.

My sleep has been pretty crap for a while and I think this is a contributing factor too and I feel stress is contributing to that. It’s not the getting to sleep that is so much of an issue, as Lavender Oil helps with that, it’s the staying asleep. I wake several times a night and take ages, sometimes an hour to get back to sleep and it’s not even like my mind is ticking over, it’s just being awake and not being able to just get back to sleep. And the end result, waking up tired every day and feeling like I need more sleep and suffering through out the day with the subsequent fatigue.

I have invested in some ‘Clinicians REM sleep’ tablets though. Though they weren’t cheap! I am hoping they help.

I feel, this long cycle of depression could’ve been avoided if I had managed to get an appointment with Community Mental Health sooner. I don’t have that appointment til the 29th of November.

I feel like I have been screaming out for help for over 6 months at various health professionals and just not been heard. And I always go when I am at my worst(though I should probably go before that) and still, seems like banging my head against a brick wall. I feel pretty frustrated at the length of time this appointment has taken to get. I do not like suffering for long periods like this. It’s very draining and hard to snap out of.

I feel this lack of support and help has been some of the reason behind why I have been having such an extended period of depression. As usually, it’s 2-3 weeks. Though like I think I said in an earlier thread, I have had a long period of depression of this length one other time this year.

So over it aye.

I was so stressed by my lovely toddler today, due to her continually running off at the supermarket this afternoon. I wanted to go back to the car and literally pull my hair out. I just wanted to bloody scream!

I had started off so well this morning I had thought.

I spent the whole time at home, before I had to go pick up my older daughter from school, just hanging out with her, trying to find ways to get her to comply, with no stress and it WAS working.

So I thought, cool, I’ve got it sorted.

I even let her have the freedom to go into a few shops without putting her in the pram and that went ok.

But after school, it all changed.

She wouldn’t go in the pram, so I had to hold her down to strap her in. She screamed the whole walk from the car to the classroom and continued while I waited for my older daughter and kept it up all the way back to the car. Get back to the car and she won’t get in her car seat. So I was like, well, stuff it, I give up and sat in the back seat til she was ready to comply. Which worked via bribe. As I had something she wanted.

So yeah, pretty drained today.

I’m hoping better sleep will help things a little or significantly.

And off in a completely different tangent, here’s just a few words on honesty.

I think my honesty does make people unsure what to think of me. But hey. I am me and that’s just how I roll.

Being so honest, it does of course upset me when people don’t take my word for things and don’t think I’m being truthful. As honesty is a big strength of mine.

…well, I dunno if everyone likes that strength, but hey.

Could be worse, I could be a compulsive liar.

Quite glad I’m honest. But never honest in a negative way.

Ok, getting tired now and hoping I did a good job of proofreading. As sometimes I think I have and come back, re-read my blog and see more mistakes.