Tag Archive: gaming addiction

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Things that I am currently frustrated about are, the fact my fiance’s default setting seems to be going on his computer, whether that be just being on his computer or gaming online. It frustrates me how much time he devotes to it and how high on his priorities it is.

Yes it might be he default coping mechanism. But it is certainly not a healthy coping mechanism. I know it’s a coping mechanism for the following reasons. He gets stressed, he goes on the computer, he gets anxious, he goes on the computer, he’s angry, he goes on the computer, he’s anti-social, he goes on the computer and he’s been this way for years.

I find it extremely hard to deal with this and also the fact he doesn’t express his emotions. It annoys me to no end, that he’ll put the baby to bed and his first priority is to get straight back on the computer.

I feel he isn’t as involved as a parent and father due to this. And I feel he takes his frustrations out on the kids. As if he’s tired, he’ll get grumpy at the baby and this tiredness is due to how late he stays up on his computer. I feel he gets intolerant of our toddler because of his computer addiction.

I often feel increasingly frustrated and unsupported due to this behaviour and definitely contemplate at times leaving him.

Another thing that is frustrating me at the moment is his parents and their excuses and immaturity. As I found out yesterday, from the Open Home Foundation lady who works with us, that they are pretty much sulking about us moving to Nelson at some point and that is why they have gone back on their offers of support at the FGC(family group conference) in mid-December. Their attitude and excuse is, why bother increasing our involvement with the grand kids and building a relationship there if they’re going to be leaving Wellington at some point.

That seems very petty and immature in my opinion. And not what being a parent is about.

I have simply decided recently, that I will no longer expect anything from them as his parents or from the rest of my fiance’s family. As if you have no expectations, then you can’t be letdown or disappointed or upset or effected by the lack of action or involvement.

That’s all I have to say about that.