Tag Archive: lack of social contact


I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Well I have definitely been struggling. I am not sure if the fact that I am not really under the mental health team here yet has any bearing on that. Possibly.

I know it’s always going to be hard moving somewhere new, well newish, as I haven’t lived in Nelson for nearly 11 years. And I have only managed to properly reconnect with 1 old friend. And being how vital social contact is to my well being, it is understandable that with the lack of social contact, I feel somewhat lonely and isolated.

Due to the changes in my ability to cope since last August, things do effect me more easily and I am therefore more susceptible to more regular bouts of depression and more easily distressed.

I do acknowledge though, I have learned some useful tools from the DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Distress Tolerance workshop I did earlier this year. And I do believe I have definitely developed some resiliency.

I guess maybe I expect too much from myself at times and I need to be more kind to myself and not see bouts of depression as me lacking in any way. I need to remember I have had no formal therapy, so that has some bearing on things too.

I have lost someone close to me recently and I tend to flip between denial that this person is no longer and wishing it was all a big mistake and that they aren’t really gone. And then I grieve for this person’s family.

I have been going between feeling numb lately and feeling like I want to just not be in reality right now. Like I would rather just sleep all day and every day until my mood improves. Of course that is not in any way helpful. Plus my fiance does not allow me to sleep the whole day either. And yes, I do see that is a big signal I am definitely experiencing a bout of depression at present. There is that symptom and also not wanting to leave the house and delaying it as long as possible. And yes, I know this is not helpful or healthy.

I have a really hard time when friend’s of mine ask questions on my facebook photo’s, as to why my oldest daughter is not in them and where she is. And naturally I do not really want to make it extremely public knowledge among my every facebook friend, about the involvement of CYFS(child, youth & family) and why my daughter does not live with me.

I find also, the reminder by such questions about her not being here tends to make me feel down and upset.

I do not like to be more regularly reminded then I already am, that she is not here. As I already struggle with it and find it upsetting, without more reminders.

I must admit, I have been quite irresponsible with money. Sometimes I tend to do this unintentionally as a response to financial stress. I don’t know why really, as it makes things worse. I guess it is just that part of my personality that tends to want to live in a fantasy and live in a bit of a dream world and not be in the unpleasantness of my reality. It is really very irresponsible.

I guess sometimes I just want to escape my reality and that is why I do such things.

The reality is, we have accumulated a fair bit of debt since last August. Especially since my fiance resigned back in November last year. Our debt has got so bad that the budget advisor here has suggested we get an SIO(summary installment order). But that may very well mean we have to give the car back to the finance company.

So when my fiance found out we had very little money left from the bond refund, he got quite angry and I of course felt really guilty. So I went to the room and cried for a good while. And of course I start blaming myself for all the financial stress. Then I get to thinking, why does he not just find someone else. As I am sick of feeling like a burden, being a burden and I feel to blame for all this and so much guilt and I just do not want anyone else being dragged down by this. But clearly he loves me. Even if I struggle to understand why and how anyone still could after all this.

Hmm, my older sister. She still does seem to have quite unreasonable mood swings. As one minute she is asking a favour and then I check in with her and ask how things are, I try to express concern and empathy and she bites my head off. And that is upsetting and that is hard to deal with. As I am only trying to let her know I care and I want to support her if I can. I just wish she would stop throwing this back in my face or any of our families face who tries to do the same. I will not be so blunt as to tell her I feel she needs to get therapy and start to resolve some issues, so she can start to experience some joy again in her life. As I know her well enough to know that would not be taken as it is meant and that there would be a huge backlash to expressing such things. I wish she could be more reasonable.

You know honestly, sometimes I take more of my sleep medication then I should, not because I can’t get to sleep, but because I want to sleep for longer and not deal with reality or the day ahead. But I fear if I admitted that to any of the mental health team here, once I am under them, that they will limit my medication and switch back to more regular pick ups again. I know I shouldn’t do this.

Sometimes I think about trying to get to sleep without my medication and then I worry that if I try that, I may not get to sleep or I will undo any ability my body does have to get me to sleep naturally, by being too anxious about it. I guess I just need to again, stop being so hard on myself and just take time to recover and not try to hurry the process. As I know the last thing I need is to become deprived of sleep and I do not want to risk that.

Ok, I can’t think of anything else I wanted to write about, so I’ll just leave it there.