Tag Archive: PMS


I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

So I realized I haven’t done much posting since I moved to Nelson. And it’s not because I have been busy, I think it is because I have been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed lately.

The constant criticism from my fiance seemed to increase even more since my last post. To being several times a day, despite me saying to him that he really needs to stop it.

A few days ago I vented on facebook on my profile about the way he was being, as well as admitting I have not being doing so great with my mental health lately. And the majority of my friends are supportive and caring. But this one person who I know and who was in my friends on there, decided she would take the opportunity in response to my post, to straight out insult and attack me, on my profile! She really should have showed some respect and compassion and done it via private message, not on my profile. And it did not stop at that 1 nasty post either. My real friends who support me, posted in response suggesting that if she were of that low opinion she should have shared that with me privately and that clearly she does not know me and is not a real friend or she would realize how untrue everything she had written was. So I thought, ok, I do not need this crap, but I will give my real friends an opportunity to put her in her place before I deleted her. And I was out most of the next day and logged in later in the evening to find she had written 3 more lengthy, insulting posts. My Mum responded by telling her how disgusting she was being with her posts and she then insulted my mother! I was wanting to respond to her posts, but was trying to consider how to word my response without stooping to her level and while remaining respectful and mature in my response. And eventually I responded politely. Then she informs me at least 3 of my friends actually messaged her congratulating her for her post. I responded by putting a post on my profile saying whomever that was needs to remove themselves as my friend, as clearly they are not a real friend. I deleted and blocked this nasty person and removed all her nasty posts and that felt a lot better. But I so did not need to be attacked like that. This person basically said in her post, that it is my fault I am depressed and that she is sick of reading my vents/posts about my depression, that I am negative and have a poor me attitude and that I have always been like that.

Clearly she does not know me. As, yes, I did used to be like that from my late teens and through much of my 20’s. But since my 30’s I have been quite the opposite and I have actually been optimistic and hopeful. Yes I have bouts of depression varying in intensity. But I am not to blame for my depression and my bouts.

I have been feeling pretty crap lately. I feel as if PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) is possibly part of the reason. My dreams have been horribly vivid and the content of them has been really getting to me. I keep staying up really late to avoid sleep and the potential dreams. I hate it when this becomes an increasingly frequent problem. I hate dreading sleep. I am feeling a bit spacey to be honest. And I do not have my 1st appointment with mental health here until the 31st of this month. And I remember from the last time there was a significant length of time without being under a mental health team, back when I moved to Wainuiomata, that this is not great for my mental health. I end up feeling quite vulnerable and uneasy. Another thing that leads me to believe PTSD is a problem is when I was discussing what happened with my son’s birth with my friend. The feelings that came up when typing what happened were not pleasant. I definitely agree there is still a need for me to get some therapy to help resolve these things. I am sick of being fearful of sleeping and dreaming. The dreaming or lead up to falling asleep feels quite scary and I feel quite anxious and panicked about it.

On something different. I keep thinking about when my older daughter is living back with me, well here’s hoping that happens, and I feel nervous. As CYFS(child, youth & family) with all they have said about me and the lack of confidence they express in me, as well as my daughter’s father’s family, has really shaken my confidence. And from what I know of others in this situation, it is not abnormal that these dealing with CYFS often result in greatly effecting your confidence in your parenting. This process with CYFS has drawn out for so long and it is really taxing.

Man I feel low and depressed. I feel like my fiance doesn’t even pay attention to how I am feeling/doing. And I have been putting up this facade around a lot of people that I am doing well, when I really am not. Like I have probably said before, I end up feeling like my friends and family might just be sick of this already and that makes it harder for me to admit when I am struggling. Plus there is also the part of me that worries if I admit to it CYFS will find out.

The good thing about me being open and honest with some people about my depression, is that a friend I have reconnected with who lives in Nelson also told me she suffers from a lot of what I do. And another friend of mine from Nelson suffers from some of what I do and she came and visited the other day, which was really great, as I needed some social contact.

It’s a pity there are no mental health groups here like they have in Wellington on the Meet Up website.

I think I may have PMS at the moment. As the last 2 days I have been extremely moody and on edge emotionally. Gah, I hate being a female sometimes!

Man, currently I feel numb. I do not know why. Maybe it is the 1 beer I had, who knows. Or maybe it is just my reaction to how I am feeling currently.

Fun times is a sarcastic term I use, when there’s often some stupid crap thrown in there, some stress and less then desirable things happening.

So, this cyber bully/ex-friend continued her spreading of malicious lies some more today. Quite frankly I think everyone, including myself observing this, are just simply over this immaturity and attention seeking behaviour. So I have just stuck to pointing out the actual truth and having a laugh at the ridiculousness of her lies.

As I had hoped would not happen, the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) has been booked for the week leading up to our move to Nelson. Which I stressed 9 weeks ago to the social worker to try and avoid. She only organized it today! And I also emphasized the need for it to be prior to next week, being next week is the week leading up to the big move, therefore a week of more stress. So what does she do, she books it in for 5 days before the move! Less then impressed, yet not that surprised. As it is clear to me, my timing does not even factor. It is about what suits them. And sadly, some less then wonderful CYFS social workers are known for intentionally timing these reviews at times of great stress. I believe it is a ploy to get you at your most vulnerable in hopes things will easily swing in their favour and in hopes some cracks will form in your ability to cope. Well, she will enjoy the timing of it….it is right when I am at my peak with PMS! LOL! Best not to mess with me when I have PMS. But, it is in my favour, as I tend to actually be more honest, can’t be pushed around and speak my mind, but in a polite and respectful way. I am just much more assertive and confident while PMSing strangely.

Annoyingly I am having sleep issues again. So my 1 tablet(25mgs) of Quetiapine is no longer working, neither is 2(50mgs), so I have had to start taking 3(75mgs) and that is not my prescribed amount. So I will be seeing my Psychiatrist in 2 days to discuss this. As some nights it was that my mind wouldn’t shut up, but last night that wasn’t the case and still I could not get to sleep with taking 2 tablets, so I had to take a 3rd to get to sleep. Frustrating!

I am noticing myself feeling quite anxious today. I think this being attacked online by that ex-friend is making me feel quite highly strung.

I do quite like Wainuiomata these days. So I was quite disappointed this 1 stirrer(the ex-friend) had to make the end of my time here less then positive. But clearly she has her own demons to wrestle. But it has become apparent, after many conversations with people living around here, that the whole family are actually known for this behaviour. Even the local police are sick of them. They use social media and mobile to harass and threaten, yet face to face do not say a thing.

I am proud to say, no matter what lies and abuse is thrown at me, I NEVER stoop to that level and retaliate. As that is immature and just fueling the fire and playing a stupid little game. And I will never be that type of person.

LOL! My silly cat keeps nudging my keyboard!

fotofriend_3438637

Right, I best get on to my pre-moving checklist, so I don’t lay awake tonight thinking about it.

Life at present

I keep wanting to write on here about various stuff, but keep lacking the motivation to put time aside to do so. As a result, by the time I have the motivation I have forgotten what I wanted to post about.

I know this much. I hate PMS! It has such a crap effect on my moods and emotions. Doesn’t help my mental health much either. So every month, I get to look forward to (sarcasm by the way) a good 10-12 days of being overly sensitive, emotional and moody. So hate this part of being a female.

I have been doing as much organizing as possible regarding the move to Nelson. I am awaiting 1 more quote regarding the cost of moving the furniture over. We are getting rid of anything we really don’t need, to keep the cost down. We plan to try have the moving date as the 1st of July.

My oldest daughter is down in Nelson at the moment staying with my oldest sister and cousins for 8 days and then with her other cousins and my younger sister for 2 days. She’s really enjoying her holiday down there.

I often lay in bed most nights, when I am supposed to be sleeping, thinking about so many aspects of my life, especially anything related to moving. Tonight I am contemplating trying to get to sleep without my medication. Though just thinking about that is already making me a tad anxious. Plus it’s only 8:31pm. So maybe I should give it a try.

I am sure I had more to write about. But my tired brain is failing to remind me. So I think I shall just attempt to sleep.

Good Night ūüôā

For me, PMS and mental illness are not a good combination. And I don’t know if there is any way around this, being I am a female and haven’t experienced menopause.

I do know this. Every month, in the 7-10 days before getting my period, my hormones go nuts. And this is not a good thing. Especially being that my mental health is still not good. It goes and makes an already not so stable and not so mentally well me, even worse.

It makes me more easily angered, more intense with whatever mood it is I am experiencing at any given time, more easily stressed and overwhelmed, more depressed and more mentally unwell. And it makes my fuse(patience) very short.

I really hate it! And there’s really not a thing I can do about it.

As I’ve already accepted I can never be on any hormonal contraception, because of how hormones effect my mental health. And let’s just say, it’s not good! Thus, being why I will being getting my tubes tied asap. Also, I don’t want any more children. And unfortunately, due to my weird body, any other contraception option that is reliable, my body doesn’t agree with. Oh except condoms, which I am making sure we ALWAYS use!

Regarding PMS and it’s effect on me. It also messes with my diet and weight loss. So I have to try and remember this every month, before I start experiencing PMS or I end up undoing all my good work diet wise and usually end up putting on weight I’ve lost, due to an overwhelming desire to eat crap(junk food) during this time. And the bloating doesn’t help either.

I am kind enough to myself though, to allow myself a little treat during this time. And I make sure it’s dark chocolate, with a high percentage of cocoa(70%). As that type, is not only healthier for you and high in antioxidants, but due to it being of a higher percentage of cocoa, it sorts those cravings out, is more healthy and you don’t need to eat as much to satisfy the craving. It’s just pretty much your body craving a sugar hit, because of the blood loss you get during your period I believe. And the thing with ordinary chocolate is, you have to eat more of it to satisfy this craving and it’s unhealthier. And also it spikes your blood sugars levels fast, but they drop more rapidly soon after. Thus being why you feel the need to eat more. And that fast release and rapid blood sugar drop is not healthy.

Hmm…kind of went off on a huge tangent about chocolate… But hey, it was relevant and related to the subject at hand.

You might have worked out by now, possibly, that I currently have my period. This being why this is relevant and fresh in my mind. Sorry if it’s kind of over-sharing. But I thought it was worth mentioning and posting about, in case other women go through the same thing. Which I am sure other women likely do.

Today I have behaved with my diet and kept within my calorie goal. So I am happy with myself about that. As I’ve only just started using the food diary again on MFP(myfitnesspal.com). And usually this time of month, I stuff up diet wise. So good on me for not misbehaving today. But I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, as it’s not. And giving in to the junk can happen so fast and then the excuses come in, like “I’ll start eating healthy after my period” or “I’ll just have a few naughty things and behave tomorrow and/or the rest of the week” or “I’ve been good mostly, so it’s ok to eat what a want briefly”. The problem with these excuses are, they are just avoiding change and putting off the chance to work towards your goal and tomorrow never comes and there’s never a ‘right’ time. So, instead I choose every time I open the cupboard or fridge, to grab the healthy food and if there’s nothing in there that interests me, I’m probably just in there out of boredom, so I go find something to distract myself.

I have to go to the GP in the morning. So hopefully I remember all the things I am seeing him or her about. As I usually forgot some of the important things on my list.

That’s all for today. Should probably get to bed.

What’s been happening lately. Hmm, well I got the Jadelle out last week, so am now contraception free and hopefully that will improve several areas of my life. Such as, weight, moods, monthly cycle and my skin. That nearly didn’t happen though. Which would’ve kind of pushed me over the edge a tad. What annoyed me was, I decided to make an appointment at my doctor, so I didn’t have to wait 2-3 weeks for an appointment at FPA. So I was willing to accept the higher price by going to my doctor. As I was desperate to get it out. So when they rang me the day of my appointment and cancelled my appointment, I was about to just lose it. As I was just so over letdowns and I just could not handle another. I just pretty much said to the nurse, I’m so over being let down and disappointed and explained how I’d just recently been dealing with the muck up over the operation that wasn’t in fact happening and that if I wanted to wait another 2-3 weeks, I’d have gone to FPA and saved $30, but I was desperate to get the Jadelle out and explained all the side effects and eventually she had some compassion and found an emergency appointment for me. But while I was on hold, I will admit I was having a little cry. As at that point, my appointment was still cancelled with no hope of a sooner one.

I was just kind of very over so much in general. As my tooth had been causing me agony more regularly last week and then another tooth broke. Plus my iron was too low, due to having my monthly twice in 2 weeks, not to mention 2 bouts of PMS. So I was really, really over shit. Admittedly I did quite desperately want to self-harm at least twice, but thankfully I didn’t. Which I am proud of. As feeling so low and desperate is a place I do not like to be in.

Went to an Anxiety and other Mental Illnesses meet up last weekend. That was really good. I made a point of organizing it myself, as I’d not found one to go to for months and I was desperate to be around more like-minded people. So it was nice chatting away with everyone there and connecting.

Of late, I have really been making a point of speaking my mind about things. But in a totally positive way.

It’s school holidays at the moment. And if anyone follows my blog, they will know I don’t really enjoy this period. As I can usually cope the first week, but by the 2nd week, I’m kind of losing the plot. Though I do my best to make sure I get out and socialize or at least have people over to visit. As if I don’t, I’d kind of lose it I think. It’s harder these days to keep cool, as my toddler is very, very testing now, more so then usual. And that’s not a fun stage. And my older girl tends to get bored and ask for food continually. When will she work out the damn difference between boredom and hunger?! Grr! At least I have something to do some of the the mornings this week. Though not fun things really. Yesterday I had to go to dentist and get a quote. So that’ll be $755 I have to go ask Winz for. Today I have an appointment with my Psychologist, the last of my 6 free sessions. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Winz to apply for help with dentist bill. Here’s hoping my toddler behaves and that the appointment is as fast as possible. As it’s never a fun process going to Winz with her. As she just won’t stay put. And on Thursday there in the Annual October Buggy Walk, which should be fun. Hopefully someone will go with me. As it’s kind of lame by yourself. On Saturday I have a 1 year old birthday to go to. So it’s just a matter of filling in the afternoons.

I actually like not having too much structure in my weeks. As it leaves me free to have a life. As I find some people have expectations that, because I have a toddler, I should be going to all these things… but these things, they all cost money. Plus, I like to avoid anywhere that has potential cliques. As I hate them with a vengeance and as a Mum, you see a lot of cliques. Don’t have time for that crap. I find it highly immature and what’s so laughable about it, is the age of these cliquey Mums. Let’s just say, they are old enough to know better. Usually in the 20’s or mid-30’s or even 40’s. It’s like, shit, we’re back in high school! That’s why it’s laughable. As I’m 33 and I will never be in a clique or be in the slightest bit cliquey. I am proud to say I’m a quality person like that and I am proud that I would never stoop to that. But I guess, I never have, even in high school. I was the type to be hassled by the cliquey types. Why can’t we all just get along?! In an ideal world we world. Status, income, popularity and all that other crap wouldn’t matter. But oh well, there are clearly some screwed up people out there, who weren’t taught to treat others as they wish to be treated. Who build themselves up by tearing others down. Who see differences as a negative, instead of something to embrace. Oh I feel so sorry for those sad individuals. How fun it must be to be them…not! I am very proud, that despite what shit I may have been through in my life, I still have remained relatively the same, morals wise and ideals wise.

On a totally different subject. Damn my cats kittens are cute!

Do you ever just feel really bored with your life? Like it’s the same shit different day? I must admit I do a lot. Especially on the weekends and in the evening. Find myself at a loss as to what to do. Everything just gets so boring. I’ll just be sitting there going, what to do, what to do. Part of the problem might be my fianc√©. He seems to not get that maybe I am a bit over looking after the kids all week and that eventually that wears you down and you need to get out of the house. He’s too busy thinking poor me about being left home with the kids and how he works so hard and deserves a break. Yeah sure, he works hard and deserves a break. But so do I! It’s like, what I do, doesn’t seem significant to him and it’s like my duty as the Mum is SO easy. I often stay around home just to keep him from having a sulk. And yeah, sometimes when I leave the house, I don’t come back for hours. Which often isn’t my intention, to be out for that long, but sometimes time flys. And it sux to be out somewhere, not being able to relax properly, cause you know he’s sulking. It’s not my fault he has no social life! It’s not my responsibility! If you want to have a social life, you need to put yourself in positions to meet new people. That’s what I did. I had to. If I didn’t I’d have lost the plot long ago and be much worse off mental health wise. I had to make new friends and put in the effort to maintain my friendships for my sanity. And recently, it became evident how little he thinks I do. He was having a whinge at me for cleaning up a little in the morning, instead of helping out with Annabelle(our toddler) and was going on about how I never help in the morning and I was like, what?! I helped the day before. And then he’s going on about, well how do I know you do anything for her during the day? I was like, are you serious?! Clearly I do, she is feed, nappy changed, happy. And he’s like, well how do I know if you don’t tell me? I’m like, well you don’t come home to a starving child with a nappy that’s never been changed now do you?! I was like seriously, you really don’t get how much I do! And the day before, he was telling me I was being a bad Mum to my older daughter because I couldn’t go make her dinner. Which was because I had major stomach pain and was tired as hell and he was like, stop lying to get out of things. I friggen wasn’t! I think it was him just being a jerk because I was upset he’d not made her some dinner before or after her school production, as I didn’t have time. So he turned it on me instead. Those couple of things is why I went a bit downhill mood wise last week. And over the weekend he was driving me to near insanity with his moaning and whinging and bitching while doing his online gaming. So wanted to go turn the power off! He just doesn’t get how annoying it is to listen to that crap for hours!

I rang the Mental Health Crisis Line last week, due to how desperate and in despair I had been feeling and had a good chat and they told me to ask my doctor to call them and arrange with a Psychiatrist there to have a phone consult and find some options for me anti-depressant wise. But I have heard nothing from my doctor, so don’t know if that has been actioned yet. I kind of get over asking for something to happen, time after time and still not getting any results. I have mentioned this 2 other times since to other doctors to try hurry it up. But it seems to just keep getting forgotten. Shit! Shouldn’t my mental health be important! I thought it should be high on the to do list.

Have lost a little bit of weight since getting the Jadelle out. About 1.4 kgs I think. Have been behaving on with my diet. And when I say diet, I’m not on a diet. It just means the way in which I am eating. As in, healthy diet and not eating crap.

I guess I’d better go, as I have my appointment in 35 minutes.

It’s great when you learn something new.¬† Yeah it’s slightly embarrassing when it’s something that in reality makes sense, but you hadn’t clicked to the particular fact yet.

Off the subject. Man, it’s so much easier to write my post on my android mobile. I was rather excited when I got an email from WordPress telling my it’s now available for Android. Of course I totally had to download it.

Anyway, back to my post. So I was under the impression that if I stuck to between 1400-1600 calories per day, I’d lose weight, no matter what I ate. I thought, well if it’s all up under 1600, then I can eat whatever.¬† I felt quite silly and embarrassed when I found out this wasn’t the case. But may I add, the few people who informed me about how wrong I was, didn’t need to be friggen rude about telling me I was wrong.¬† Nor should they have given me shit for what I had been eating.¬† I mean, come on, clearly I felt silly when I realized this simple fact, but they didn’t need to be bitches about it!

I can almost certainly guarantee, I’m not the only person who thought the same (about the eating whatever under 1600 calories I mean)¬† Gosh there are some insensitive people online!

So yeah, now I know the correct facts, I know I should do my best to avoid the junk.

I’ve been pretty good with the healthy eating since I learnt this truth. And yay, the scales rewarded me!¬† I’m now sitting on 60 kgs, which makes me feel more positive.¬† And yeah, I know my happiness shouldn’t be so tied in with my weight, body or dress size.¬† That’s something I have to work on.¬† I think where it comes from is, firstly, spending a huge chunk of my life as a very slim female, who never had to worry about her weight or her diet.¬† Having to be mindful of what I eat has always been hard for me, since my metabolism became my enemy back in 1999.

Firstly when this happened and I had a prick for a boyfriend, who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t for 2 years, I developed Bulimia.¬† Which I guess, isn’t surprising, when your dick of a boyfriend tells you you’re fat for 2 years!¬† If you are told something enough and you have low self esteem, you’ll eventually start to believe it.¬† Fact is, I wasn’t overweight, but, yes, I guess I did gain some weight in those 2 years.¬† About 12 kgs.¬† But how was I to know my metabolism was slowing down and I could no longer eat what I liked.¬† The weight went on rather fast.¬† So I eventually discovered I didn’t have super awesome metabolism anymore.¬†

I did eventually leave that prick of a boyfriend and after about a year, totally stopped binging and purging.  But I found adding weight and expanding in my first pregnancy, very hard to handle.  I did want to purge on several occasions, but thankfully never did.

I lost the baby weight from that pregnancy quite fast, so for a good few years, my weight wasn’t an issue.¬†

Unfortunately, that always seems to be the case when I’m single.¬† I’m quite good at remaining slim.¬† So when I get into a long term relationship, I always seem to gain weight.¬† Well … that’s what I always thought.¬† I’ve now worked out it’s because I wasn’t on contraception when I was single.¬† Just used condoms.¬† So whenever I get into a long term relationship, I go back on contraception and gain weight.¬† Though, it never helps your efforts to stay healthy when your partner buys and eats the unhealthy stuff.

So yeah, I’m kind of not used to requiring this much discipline and needing to watch what I eat.¬† So sometimes I just go fuck it and give up on being sensible for short bursts and that sabotages my weight loss.¬† I’m trying my best to break this bad habit.¬† There’s always this part of me, packing a tantrum and saying to myself “it’s not fair!¬† I should be able to eat whatever I like and stay slim!”¬† And yeah, I have major envy of people I know who have that luxury.¬†

I’m so used to putting things in the ‘too hard basket’ and giving up.¬† So actually sticking at this whole weight loss thing for so long, is very different for me.¬† So I do encounter some resistance from myself during¬† this journey.

The other reason I’m such a hardout about getting to my goal weight and fitting my clothes is about health.¬† When I weigh more, I’m generally less fit, less active and don’t feel at my best.¬† So what I see in the mirror when I’ve gained a few sizes, is evidence of my bad choices and what I see, is not a healthy body.¬† I just see the fat, as unhealthy.¬† So yeah, I’m not happy if I don’t look and feel healthy.

Also, when I’m feeling so down about my body, it’s just a symptom of something deeper going on.¬† It’s just the presenting symptom of the underlying issues.¬† That’s why I lose the plot and get quite depressed.¬†

For me it’s generally because I’ve come to breaking point, due to several other issues.¬† Which can vary in the combination.¬† Generally it’s stuff like, low energy, difficult children, not enough ‘me’ time, not enough socializing, bad eating, little or no exercise, consistently bad weather, too much time indoors and well, PMS is never my friend either.¬† Some of those things I can control and some I can’t.¬† It seems, if I’ve spent too much time in this downward spiral of depression, it’s much harder to find my way out of it.¬†

I know being on contraception never helps.¬† But I’d prefer my partner to be in agreement, if I were to get my tubes tied.¬† As, all other non-hormonal contraceptives are unfortunately not an option for me.¬†

I just want to say, if I appear to be excessively moody, snappy or bitchy, I’ve usually got PMS or my period.¬† So please don’t take offense if I’m harsh or snappy.¬† As I have trouble controlling my emotions during those times.¬† Seems they tend to have more control over me then I do at those times.¬†

That’s all.¬† I’m now very tired.¬† Must sleep.

Well I’ve not written in here for almost a month. Which isn’t a bad thing.

Where things are at with me. I’ve been of anti-depressants for a few months now and feeling fine. Only time my moods go haywire is when I have PMS. Which is when I find myself, asking myself, “what the hell is wrong with me?!” Then, as usual a few days later AF(my period) appears and finally it is all explained again…til the next month.

So, I am pretty happy. Still get stressed over money, well lack of it. But who doesn’t?

I started the 30 Day Shred yesterday. And gee, I was feeling the pain this morning! But, being I want to see the results, and soon, I upped it from Level 1, to Level 2 today. Wow! How much harder it is! But it will be worth it at the end of 30 days. The results I’ve seen from other people who have done it, are amazing!

So, I keep doing the fluctuating weight thing, which is always frustrating. I am consistent, for the most part with the diet and exercise. But I seem to go up and down between certain weights. The lowest I have been so far is 58.5kgs. At the moment I’m 59.3kgs. But gee, it’s amazing how those few hundred grams can effect how clothes fit. I go between size 8 and size 9, when I go between those 2 weights.

Getting the last few kgs off is the hardest! I had read that and I now know how true that is!

It’s like, the closer you are to your goal, the more your body stalls at dropping weight.

It was DP & my 4 yr anniversary of being together a few weeks ago. Nothing happened, nothing at all. Not even sex! (I had AF)

My gosh it is annoying not having any extra commitment after all this time. I hate it! Friggen men! Well at least this one.

Here’s a pic of me last week. Finally fit a dress I’ve not fit for like 4 yrs!

So clothes on, I feel pretty good about my figure. But clothes off, different story. I still have a bit of toning to do before I’m happy.